--------HOROSCOPES--------
ARIES
A spot of romance puts a spring in your step. This week you'll fall in love with a swan called Paul Fist, but things may take a nasty turn when he gets run over by a Vauxhall Frontera on the dual carriageway.
TAURUS
YOU'RE GOING TO SHATTER YOUR FUCKING KNEECAPS MATE!
GEMINI
Tread carefully and be wary of what you eat this week. Martin Clunes has got it in for you and I wouldn't be surprised if he poisons your dinner or something. He's done it before. Apparently he did it to Robert Horn and his head went all weird and he coughed up his lungs.
CANCER
This week you need to think for yourself. Just because all the other owls are getting their ears pierced doesn't mean you should as well. You'll end up looking like a right fucking cock end.
LEO
You're going to have an absolute shocker this week. All the rats and squirrels are going to give you a hard time not to mention the fact that you're going have to put up with the ducks laughing at you as per usual. I'd probably just stay at home if I was you. Chill out.
VIRGO
You're strongly advised to stay up all night, growling at Carol Vorderman's mountain bike.
LIBRA
You're going to get bummed by a gang of bin men.
SCORPIO
Murder Colin Hong.
SAGITTARIUS
Have you got a nosebleed? I think you've got a nosebleed. You probably got it laughing at that donkey with the weird shaped head.
CAPRICORN
You're going to get confused and punch a prostitute in the throat. Try and focus. Don't let this minor hiccup distract you too much. You still need to get a job or Brenda's going to leave you.
AQUARIUS
This week's mainly going to be about hens wearing brogues. That's going to be mainly what you have to deal with this week I'm afraid.
PISCES
Your mate Sexy Chris is going to show you his penis. You didn't even ask to see it? What the fuck is Sexy Chris playing at now?