39G DOWNERS ROAD, DALSTON
Breathtaking apartment with hardly any damp/smears.
Just minutes away from nearest pavement.
Comes with free radiators and light bulbs (neither in working condition).
23 ‘THE CABIN’, IN THE WOODS, BEHIND HOMEBASE
Sophisticated bachelor pad in the middle of the woods with stunning view of electricity pylon.
Fully furnished with various metal tables and trays of surgical equipment.
Ideal for first time killer/rapist.
‘THE NEST’, REGENTS CANAL, ISLINGTON
Grade 2 listed nest for sale. Great first time buy for a family of swans/humans.
This unique ‘thatched’ property has been built from sticks, weeds, packets of Wotsits, Johnny bags and various other shit. Steeped in history, this nest was once part of a murder investigation after police found a kettle containing six human penises in it in 2004. Always going to be an interesting talking point over the dinner table. (dinner table not included/recommended).
ROYAL HOUSE, HOUNDS COURT, LAMBETH
Flat share opportunity for open-minded tenant in this charming, detached and extremely characterful property.
You’ll never be lonely again sharing a room with 12 bin men and their dogs. No smokers.
'THE BUCKETS', HAMPSTEAD HEATH,
Beat the recession with this exciting and portable housing option. Pop the bucket on your head, lean against a tree and you'll be magically whisked away to spend the night in the house of your dreams (best used in conjunction with heroin). This charming property really is as good as your own imagination. AN ABSOLUTE BARGAIN!
(A good coat is recommended if you don't wish to be killed by the winter frosts).