AN EXTRACT FROM chapter one of MY EROTIC NOVEL

: NOT REALLY GOT A TITLE YET. IT'LL PROBABLY BE SOMETHING QUITE ABSTRACT AND, SORT OF, POETIC.  IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU PICTURE A  MINGE IN YOUR MIND'S EYE (OR EVEN A GREAT BIG COCK AND BALLS).

I WANT THE FRONT COVER TO BE OF ME, SAT IN A SHED, STIFF AS A POST AND LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW AT A MAN IN DUNGAREES BUMMING A HERON UP AGAINST A TREE OR SOMETHING.
(I'D ALSO LIKE THE FRONT COVER TO BE DONE IN COLOURING PENCILS BY SOMEONE WHO, THOUGH NOT SHIT AT ART, WOULDN'T GET, SAY, MUCH MORE THAN A GRADE 'C'  IN THEIR A -LEVEL ART EXAM). 


CHAPTER 1 

'...She looked at me vacantly from behind the bins. Under the dull, flickering glare of the street lights she silently licked some leftover yoghurt out an old Crunch Corner that was covered in bees. She looked distant, as though a piece of her had been lost. Occasionally when the headlights of a passing car rolled past and illuminated her face, she would look over at me knowingly. She could tell I was staring at her but she didn't seem to mind. She craved the attention. This was the first time I'd ever met Brenda Stout, and, even though we were in a dank alley behind Greggs in Dalston, she was, without doubt, the most beautiful fox I'd ever seen. If I'd have known that three days later I'd be banging her from behind with my pork sword until her arsehole looked like a sandblasted tomato then I think I'd have fallen down with joy and wept right there and then. For now however, it was time to turn on the charm. I walked over to her all smooth 'n' that  and told her a funny story about my penis. She cackled so hard that she farted , startling a cat and making it fall off a Ford Mondeo...'



I can't help worrying about this bloody title. 
i keep thinking that there's got to be something in the fact that cunning and cunnilingus sound so similar ... something like 'cunnilingus as a fox' or something maybe. but then i'm thinking that 'fox' rhymes with 'cocks' as well and i'd quite like to, sort of, get that in there as well.

5 comments:

  1. This makes no sense "she silently licked some leftover yoghurt out an old Crunch Corner that was covered in bees". Wouldn't the bees sting her tongue in the process?? Surely she would be alarmed by the bees buzzing?

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  2. Don't be ridiculous, Cameron. A horny fox wouldn't give 2 shits about bees or their stings.

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