10 NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTIONS
1 - Stop growling at motorbikes. It's a waste of time.
2 - Clean some of the corpses out of the corner of the old pit. The smell keeps making guests vomit all over the lovely crockery.
3 - Spend a little bit less time staring at testicles and weeping. I know they're in a right old state and look like a sand blasted tomato but there's not much that can be done about that now. Time to pick yourself up and move on. Get a new hobby / go for a little jog. Anything to take your mind off those wretched bollocks.
4 - See a bit less of Martin Clunes.
5 - Stop getting married to moths. (This shouldn't be that difficult. Concentrate. You can do this.)
6 - Start being a bit more honest with people. If Sexy Chris turns up wearing leather trousers again then don't just smile politely, tell him he looks like a fucking cunt. Urge him to take his own life.
7 - Break it off with Emma Watson. There's no sexual chemistry and you both know it.
8 - Murder more hens
9 - Eat more/some fruit
10 - Stop moonwalking every time you see Bunty Hoven. She's not impressed and last time you did it you fell off the shed roof and she thought you were a fucking bell end.
