"I'M TRAPPED INSIDE A BIN, WHIMPERING. EVERY TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO HELP ME I BITE THEIR HAND BECAUSE I'M A DICK".
A DESCRIPTION
OF SOME OF
MY DREADFUL
MATES
Well, he's an owl which means that from a distance he looks like any other owl to be honest.
To be even more precise he's a Tawny Owl which mean's he's stocky, medium-sized and he's a sort of filthy brown/grey colour.
Take a few steps closer and you'll notice that he's wearing cowboy boots and has a tattoo of Kurt Cobain on his left wing (He basically looks like a right cunt).
He's quite threadbare for an owl because his feathers haven't grown back properly after the time we got hammered on M-Cat and I dared him to pluck them all out and he almost died.
He also has a beak in the middle of his face.
He's heard people saying that owls are intelligent and he believes his own hype. At the moment he's trying to read The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins but he keeps dropping it out of his tree and his reading glasses keep falling into the canal because he doesn't have any fucking ears. It doesn't matter anyway because we all know he can't read for toffee.
He can be alright though. Sometimes he makes me laugh. A few weeks ago he dropped a grass snake onto Princess Anne's head from about 50 ft, just for a laugh.
Clive is a fox. He's quite fat. He's got the word 'Whore' written on his forehead from the time Martin Clunes carved it on there with a butterfly knife. Once when he was sitting in the park a mole crawled up through the soil and went straight up his arse. He was running about panicking and I laughed so much that I was sick all over Sexy Chris.
RUBBISH LES
Rubbish Les had Down's Syndrome. He was my best mate but he had his head kicked in by chavs and now he's dead.
I met Double Denim David about two years ago in a bottle bank behind Costcutter where he was selling drugs to a duck called Lance Hamper*.
Dave has been doing drugs for a long time so he sort of looks skinnier than most foxes. He's got sunken cheeks which make him look like a crackhead, mainly because he is one.
He's a bit of party boy and is probably my naughtiest friend. I once watched him murder a little boy.
Other than that he's quite cool. He sometimes wears a leather jacket which he thinks makes him look like The Fonz. It doesn't though because it's got a big Kellogg's Coco Pops logo on the back.
*Lance Hamper died later that afternoon.
KEITH RICE
I've only known Keith Rice for a few days but he seems alright. He's a badger so obviously he looks ridiculous. Keith is quite a grumpy character. He 's pretty much constantly fucked off about the fact that the government have decided to murder him and all his mates over the coming years.
Facially he looks pretty much exactly like Gary Lineker.
He also carries a gun in a holster.
COLIN HONG
Colin is a wood pigeon. He thinks he was born in China but he wasn't. He was born in an egg. In Clapton.
He once got bummed by Ant and Dec in a tunnel.
He's got gout in one of his legs.
He sometimes wears a hat.
He's not really one of my mates to be honest. He's a fucking cock.
--------HOROSCOPES--------
ARIES
A spot of romance puts a spring in your step. This week you'll fall in love with a swan called Paul Fist, but things may take a nasty turn when he gets run over by a Vauxhall Frontera on the dual carriageway.
TAURUS
YOU'RE GOING TO SHATTER YOUR FUCKING KNEECAPS MATE!
GEMINI
Tread carefully and be wary of what you eat this week. Martin Clunes has got it in for you and I wouldn't be surprised if he poisons your dinner or something. He's done it before. Apparently he did it to Robert Horn and his head went all weird and he coughed up his lungs.
CANCER
This week you need to think for yourself. Just because all the other owls are getting their ears pierced doesn't mean you should as well. You'll end up looking like a right fucking cock end.
LEO
You're going to have an absolute shocker this week. All the rats and squirrels are going to give you a hard time not to mention the fact that you're going have to put up with the ducks laughing at you as per usual. I'd probably just stay at home if I was you. Chill out.
VIRGO
You're strongly advised to stay up all night, growling at Carol Vorderman's mountain bike.
LIBRA
You're going to get bummed by a gang of bin men.
SCORPIO
Murder Colin Hong.
SAGITTARIUS
Have you got a nosebleed? I think you've got a nosebleed. You probably got it laughing at that donkey with the weird shaped head.
CAPRICORN
You're going to get confused and punch a prostitute in the throat. Try and focus. Don't let this minor hiccup distract you too much. You still need to get a job or Brenda's going to leave you.
AQUARIUS
This week's mainly going to be about hens wearing brogues. That's going to be mainly what you have to deal with this week I'm afraid.
PISCES
Your mate Sexy Chris is going to show you his penis. You didn't even ask to see it? What the fuck is Sexy Chris playing at now?
HOW TO MAKE A WALTHAM POCKET
(RECIPE #2)
1 - Cover your hands in batter and turn on the oven.
2 - Boil all the eggs. ALL THE EGGS!
3 - Punch a swan in the throat, relax, for God's sake! It's your party! Let your hair down and have some fun for once!
4 - Peel the carrots
5 - Throw the carrots in the bin. You won't need them. They'll spoil it.
6 - Make sure you've boiled all the eggs.
7 - Fish a dog out of the bins from behind the vets / Martin Clunes' flat.
8 - Warm the plates and lay the table. Did you boil all the fucking eggs?
9 - Shove the eggs up the dogs' arse, serve and eat
10 - For dessert how about some Vienetta or a Twix?
THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH A FROG
- Trap him in an old kettle.
- Whisper the word 'clitoris' into his ear on the hour, every hour.
- Punch him in the ribs.
- Flick raspberries at him from the top of the shed.
- Gently shove him down the drains.
- Ram him up Keith Bisto's big fat arse.
- Super-glue him to Carol Vorderman's mountain bike.
- Marry the cunt.
- Post him to Malta (Second class.)
- Watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with him and then tear his fucking head off and hurl it into the canal.
- Wear him as a sort of posh brooch.
A DESCRIPTION OF SOME OF THE LOCAL BANDS IN THE AREA
(BINS/CANAL/ETC)
THE COOL LADS
MEMBERS - 2 coots and a swan (on synths)
FROM - Just sort of up the canal really (near that graffiti of a the chimpanzee with an enormous penis)
INFLUENCES - Kraftwerk, Pet Shop Boys, Prince
REVIEW - These guys are fucking useless. They've got one shit keyboard between them and they can't even play it properly because they've all got stupid fucking wings. A complete waste of time. Cool Lads? Shit Lads more like!
2/10
LISTEN TO - Donkey On The Dance Floor, Lovely Heron, Love Duck
TAMPON RATS
MEMBERS - A loads of rats
FROM - Stoke Newington (Greggs)
INFLUENCES - Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Kiss
REVIEW - jumping on the 80's hair-metal explosion that seems to be happening in the animal kingdom at the moment, these guys certainly look the business with their long, poodle-permed haircuts and tiny little leather jackets. Problem is, their instruments are just twigs and bits of old rubbish, so they can't actually play any music, and, as such, aren't really a band, instead, they're just a bunch of rats in a bin.
0/10
LISTEN TO - N/A
DON HARRIS
MEMBERS - Just a chaffinch called Don Harris.
FROM - Milton Keynes / An egg
INFLUENCES - Slayer, Anthrax, Keane
REVIEW - He's probably the best chaffinch I've ever seen at playing an electric guitar solo. Having said that, I've never even seen another chaffinch even give it a bash and Don basically just perches on the neck and pecks the strings every now and again. He's also a bit of a cunt because he claims that he used to play drums for Megadeth and I know he didn't because he's a fucking chaffinch.Last time I saw him I kneed him in the chest and booted him into the canal.
5/10
LISTEN TO - Knuckle Supper, Fish Frenzy, Pecking Twigs
THE SKY EAGLES
MEMBERS - A wasp, 3 moths and a horse on drums
FROM - Catford
INFLUENCES - Beastie Boys, Shed Seven, Sigur Ros
REVIEW - These guys are very talented. By mixing early hip-hop with indie guitars and ethereal, ambient sound-scapes, these guys have created something truly special. Also the horse is an absolute powerhouse on the drums. Expect to be seeing a lot more of The Sky Eagles (shite name)
10/10
LISTEN TO - Bongo Fury, Dog Goblin, Slippery G
a recipe
or : how to make a dalston paella
Create a delicious meal for two with this step by step guide.
1 - Find a bin and empty the contents onto some poor fucker's driveway.
2 - Collect the necessary ingredients (burnt toast, ancient sausages, slugs, shattered eggs, Toilet Duck, faggots, etc)
3 - Carry the ingredients back to your filthy pit/flat and lay them out on the muck/sideboard
4 - Use your snout/hands to push the ingredients into a sort of pile and then wait for it to become covered in ants. (During this part of the process you may like to spend some time growling at the next door neighbour's motorbike/shrubbery)
5 - Invite your latest fancy woman/slut over for dinner. It'll be ready soon.
6 - At this point the sun should appear from behind the clouds and heat up the vile concoction. (Spend some time squinting at the sun)
7 - Tell your friend Sexy Chris that he's not invited. Encourage him to commit suicide. Why's Sexy Chris just sat there staring at you?
8 - Serve on a bin lid and tuck in.
9 - Growl at the wasps throughout the duration of the meal.
10 - Vomit the revolting slop into the canal, make your apologies and carry on about your business. Eat a coot or lick some petrol. Anything to get the horrible taste out of your mouth.
or : how to make a dalston paella
Create a delicious meal for two with this step by step guide.
1 - Find a bin and empty the contents onto some poor fucker's driveway.
2 - Collect the necessary ingredients (burnt toast, ancient sausages, slugs, shattered eggs, Toilet Duck, faggots, etc)
3 - Carry the ingredients back to your filthy pit/flat and lay them out on the muck/sideboard
4 - Use your snout/hands to push the ingredients into a sort of pile and then wait for it to become covered in ants. (During this part of the process you may like to spend some time growling at the next door neighbour's motorbike/shrubbery)
5 - Invite your latest fancy woman/slut over for dinner. It'll be ready soon.
6 - At this point the sun should appear from behind the clouds and heat up the vile concoction. (Spend some time squinting at the sun)
7 - Tell your friend Sexy Chris that he's not invited. Encourage him to commit suicide. Why's Sexy Chris just sat there staring at you?
8 - Serve on a bin lid and tuck in.
9 - Growl at the wasps throughout the duration of the meal.
10 - Vomit the revolting slop into the canal, make your apologies and carry on about your business. Eat a coot or lick some petrol. Anything to get the horrible taste out of your mouth.
a short conversation with martin clunes - - - - - - - - - - - -
IN CLUNES' KITCHEN / DINER
THIS AFTERNOON
CLUNES: My name's Martin Clunes!
GUS: Yes, I know.
CLUNES: You're a fox and you pop into my flat to use my computer every now and again. Your name's Gus.
GUS: That's right.
CLUNES: My bin's full up with bollocks and lungs and that if you're hungry. I rugby tackled a dog to the ground this afternoon and it died so....
GUS: Ok. Cheers. I might...I might have a little root about in the bins later.
CLUNES: I hate throwing food away but I couldn't possibly eat any more and I have to go away for a few days to film a television drama about a man who murders a kid.
GUS: OK. That sounds good.
CLUNES: I've got the lead role. I play a man called Geoff Bennett. I get to wear a little hat.
GUS: ...
CLUNES: Right. Well I'm just going to pop out on my paper round and then I probably ought to shoot off and meet the people from the TV company.
GUS: OK.
CLUNES: I love you.
GUS: What?
CLUNES: Oh nothing I just...I'll see you later.
GUS: See you later
CLUNES: I once stabbed a horse to death because it looked at me funny.
GUS: Yes I remember you telling me.
CLUNES: OK, bye.
GUS: Yep. Bye
THIS
YEAR'S
CHRISTMAS
wish LIST
1 - A bald rat
2 - Wasps
3 - A top hat / condoms
4 - A swan grinder
5 - A Terry's Chocolate Orange
6 - Some sort of ham (preferably rancid/old)
7 - A puffin (possibly wearing a little bomber jacket if possible)
8 - Bunty Hoven
9 - A brand new pair of testicles.
10 - 1000 hens
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