AN IDEA FOR A POSSIBLE TELEVISION SCHEDULE


6:00 LINEKER'S CASTLE 
Edge-of-the-seat game show hosted by Gary Lineker in which contestants must battle their way through the ex-footballers' 'Egg Labyrinth', tackling various puzzles and conundrums in an attempt to win a dozen free range eggs. This week guest-star's Nicholas Lyndhurst as the evil 'Baron Trois Oeuf'. 
(Contains scenes that some younger viewers may find disturbing)

5:00 DUSTBUSTERS
Britain's number one vacuum-cleaning-based-quiz-show returns for it's 14th series. Hosted by Zoe Ball and Ozzy Osbourne.

5:30 FISH AND CHIPS
Detective Jason Fish and Sergeant Brenda Chips are on the case again, making sure law and order are restored in the delightful seaside town of Walberswick in this charming teatime sitcom. This week a boy appears to have been raped and murdered by a mysterious stranger.
Detective Jason Fish - Robson Green
Sergeant Brenda Chips - Mel Sykes
The Rapist - Vernon Kay

6:00 SPASTIC CATAPULT LIVE!
High-octane game show / quiz hybrid hosted by Richard Hammond and James May. Tonight 'the catapult' has been erected in Leeds city centre.

7:00 GOOSE PREDICTIONS: WITH MARTIN CLUNES
New series in which Martin Clunes attempts to predict what the geese and swans are going to do next from his hiding place in the bushes. Today's episode comes from Hemel Hemstead and Clunes is way off the mark when a dog makes an unexpected appearance.

8:00 THE MAN WITH THE FACE OF AN OTTER
Heartbreaking documentary which follows 47 year old Ian Pin as he struggles through life with the face of an otter. This week Ian finds himself mixed up in the gritty world of underground boxing.  
(Contains graphic sexual scenes)

9:00 MEMORIES OF HAM
A one hour documentary film about the history of sliced ham. Features interviews with Ronnie Barker, Gary Glitter and Ke$ha. 

10:00 SOUP: THE MUSICAL 
Stars Ant and Dec as two men on a mission to memorise every single flavour of soup. Adapted from the award winning play at the Wyndham Theatre.
Ant - Liam Soup 
Dec - Toby Bluster
Dean Gaffney as Crouton
Derek Jacobi - Mr Campbell
June Sarpong - The Gazpacho Kid

10:15 HORSE BASTARD -   FILM  
Film about a man who thinks he can build a horse out of hummus but realises pretty early on that he can't so he decides to take up the flute and it turns out that he isn't really very good at that either.  Al Pacino! 

12:00 - ART-FAUNCE
Late night art house shorts. Tonight's film 'Quasar' features a man dressed as a moth attempting to climb inside a washing machine. Thought provoking stuff.  7/10
FAUNCE!!!

12:05 - THE ONLY WAY IS HAVING SEX WITH DOGS
Repeat -  Reality series, week 12. Tomorrow is nomination night and Ivan the Bull mastiff makes another appearance. Have the remaining housemates got what it takes or has Tiffany finally had enough?

1:00 - DAN DRUFF
Repeat-  Late night sitcom about a man who can climb inside his own scalp and travel back in time to solve crimes. 
Dan Druff - Toady from Neighbours
Whore - Denise Van Outen 
Bingo Wings - Ted Frost
Lonely Paul - James Bond

NIGHT- ROLLING GROIN NEWS
...featuring news about  groins all night long. It's groins, groins, groins until 6am.


Gaffney delivers a gripping performance as the gritty character, Crouton, in Soup: The Musical


5 comments:

  1. Sublime. What's tomorrow's schedule?

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  2. Thank fuck the reality bollocks is on after midnight, I'll be headbutting sheep by then.

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  3. I had my first speaking role in Ham Bastard. I played the car mechanic in the dishwasher scene who says "Put it down, you cunt!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fuck off Stella you sexy robot shit.

    ReplyDelete