SEXY CHRIS:
SEXY CRISPS

You might have noticed that Walkers crisps are doing another one of their 'Do us a flavour' campaigns where they get proles to send in their ideas for crisp flavours which end up being, without exception, fucking horrible. 
Apparently, all you have to do is write to the UK’s favourite jug-eared potato peddler, Gary Lineker, and tell him that you once ate a parsnip that had been near some cheese and they’ll put it into production and give you the chance to win a million quid. 
Anyway, my mate Sexy Chris has decided that he can do a better job and has started his own crisp business (which he’s currently running out of the back of a knackered old Toyota Avensis that’s parked behind Texaco). He’s had a surprising amount of feedback and already put the following choices into production…

JAPANESE INSOMNIAC
“  Imagine a man from Osaka who’s been working night shifts in an oil refinery for so long that he can’t get to sleep with a smokey BBQ finish. Mmmm   “
Ingredients: Batter, gypsum, paprika, spring onions, salt and grey mince
Creator: Kenneth Babb, 43, Solihull 

FAILED MARRIAGE AND EGG
“  The cosy taste of Sunday morning fried egg mixed with the crushing realisation that your second marriage has gone tits up and Beth’s going to move in with that arsehole who works at Foxtons   “
Ingredients: Egg powder, rennet, mung beans, regret, tears from a crab and Ronseal weather proof decking stain
Creator: Mrs Dorothy Pocket, 68, Milton Keynes

HAUNTED PEAR CHUTNEY
“  Just like grandma used to make. Imagine a jar of delicious pear chutney that’s been used in an occult ritual and become haunted by the soul of a little boy    “
Ingredients: Pear flavour and little boy flavour
Creator: Karl Knawvax, 22, Truro

INVISIBLE RICHARD AND THE DANCING HAM SANDWICH
“  I wanted to re-create that classic, mouth-watering mix of my imaginary friend Richard (a deaf crow) and the dream he once had about a ham sandwich that which could do the Charleston     “
Ingredients: bread, rice, starch, whey protein, iodine, tungsten, vix vapour rub, crispy flavour, gullible trout, plain cheese and celery
Creator: Sexy Chris, 7, Hoxton

TERRIFIED PARROT
“  Piss soaked sawdust mixed with hints of desperation and avian confusion. Like the feeling you get when you walk through the doors at your local ‘Pets At Home’    “
Ingredients: Chicken, piss, wood extract, beer and soy sauce
Creator: Leanne Bismuth-Plunkett, 40, Gaviscon

THE CONCEPT OF SCHADENFREUDE
“  I really wanted to transform that feeling you get when you see an old lady trip over and break her jaw on the wing mirror of a van into a flavour of crisp that I could enjoy at lunchtime   “
Ingredients: Chicken, piss, wood extract, beer and soy sauce
Creator: Gaunt Wez, 38, Leyton Buzzard

ABU GHRAIB & CHIVE
“  Trying to capture the essence of Iraq’s infamous torture prison and mixing it with the fresh taste of chive is something that I’ve always wanted to be able to do in the kitchen when cooking dinner for my family   “
Ingredients: Oil, lice, peanuts, a photo of the actor who played Chunk in the Goonies, little bits of string, pepper, capsicum and just regular cat cum
Creator: Eileen Fingerpuppet, 20, Port Isaac 

OTHER IDEAS BEING CONSIDERED
  • INTERNATIONAL RAPIST 
  • WHORE CORDIAL
  • ROYAL KEBAB PIZZA O.B.E
  • FURIOUS TURNIP
  • GREASY BREAD
  • YAM & CAKES
  • SEEDS & CRUMBS
  • SPICY DENTIST
  • FUNERAL BUFFET
  • CANIBAL BANQUET
  • DAMP FLAN & CRESS
  • UNIMPRESSED GRANDDAD
  • UNFASHIONABLE BEEF STROGANOFF
  • KNUCKLE SUPPER
  • OLD MELON
  • YAWNING DONKEY




























(Share this post, Like me on Facebook and then invent your own flavour in the comment box below.
I'll pick the best one and you'll win a signed copy of the 'Gus The Fox: Crapbook' seeing as no one is actually buying any of the cunts)

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