PETITION TO HAVE AMERICAN DENTIST AND TEN ON TEN ARSEHOLE WALTER JAMES PALMER HUNG FROM THE NECK UNTIL DEAD
I’d have thought that you humans might have grown up a little bit over the past few thousand years but you still seem to hold this ‘macho-man’ sterotype up on a pedestal despite the fact that evolution, science and progress has rendered it pretty much useless and should have, by now, been replaced with things like compassion, empathy and intellectualism. Things that might actually make this disgusting little circle a little bit better. But you don’t do you? You still just stand there clutching your little willies whilst you gurgle and gurn over images of big men with big oily muscles holding big guns as if Jean-Claude Van Damme movies portrayed the zenith of human aspiration as opposed to the tragic life's work of a man who has to have a personal assistant follow him around with an underpants hamper 24/7 because he’s roided himself up so much and taken so many drugs that he shits his pants every couple of hours (that’s actually true, I’ve spent some time with the fucking idiot).
The weird thing is is that the people who used to aspire to be the action-man-beefcake-superhero-character, toting a gun with a wry smile, have in fact grown up. The ‘alpha males’, by their very definition, have evolved with natural progression and amelioration and become the people who are now saving the world in crucial and indispensable ways. They are now fighting for the world using reason and rationale. So who is left carrying the torch for this anachronistic and retrogressive idea of what it is to be a powerful and ‘brave’ human being? It’s the fucking nerds and geeks. It’s the ‘beta males’ who have rushed in to fill the void via osmosis. It’s now the losers who didn’t get the memo who are now purporting themselves as tough guys and wondering why everyone thinks they’re a bunch of insane cunts. Watch a movie these days and the bad guy isn’t a ripped mega man, its a creepy little IT nerd or dentist who was picked on at school and has a penis that looks like an acorn that’s been gnawed on by a poorly horse. Look at President Putin, he’s a politician who thinks he looks like the dog’s ball bags riding around topless on a horse, posting videos of himself killing bears. Look at Rebecca Francis, ‘the giraffe hunter’ (recently rightly targeted by Gervais), a new breed of arsehole - rushing in, hundreds of years too late to fill the chasm of gun toting maniacs that no one without learning difficulties thinks is any way, shape, or form not a complete cock end. The most dangerous and scary people in the world at the moment are the losers who wouldn’t stand a chance in a real fight. Back in the paleolithic era these douchbags would have sat in the corner of their caves eating bugs and crying, but now, with the benefit of modern weaponry, rules and regulations they can purport themselves as the types of ‘heroes’ who display the bravado and brawn that would never have previously been afforded to them.
Hunting may have played an important role, next to plant gathering and scavenging, for human survival in prehistoric times, but the modern ‘sportsman’ stalks and kills animals for ‘recreation.’ Hunting is a violent and cowardly form of outdoor ‘entertainment’ that kills hundreds of millions of animals every year, many of whom are wounded and die a slow and painful death.
This brings me on to the coward ‘Walter James Palmer’. Would Mohammed Ali have been considered such a legend if he’d taken down George Foreman during the ‘rumble in the jungle’ by setting up a snipers nest half a mile away and taking him out with a fancy bow and arrow? Doubt it. He’d have more than likely been disqualified for a start. He’d have been considered a bloody menace and a liability and locked up for a very long time in a Kinshasa jail cell.
Palmer calls himself a ‘big game hunter’, a name that unfortunately still carries with it connotations of prestige, bravado and, in a way, has grandiose undertones of tradition and institution. ‘Trophy Hunting’ and ‘Big Game Hunting’ is a pretty ostentatious term for the act of murdering helpless, pure and often rare creatures who should be marvelled and supported in their sadly ever decreasing habitat.
I could go on for hours about all the obvious reasons why hunting is a pointless exercise in the 21st Century but I feel like I’ve already beaten that drum a thousand times and it seems that bell ends are still happy to fly in the face of reason for whatever retarded reason it is that they carry on doing it.
And here’s what’s actually the most annoying bit. The slaughter and barbarity is one thing. The tragic ending of life is another (and clearly the worst). But the thing that actually makes me want to lock these psychos up in a cell for weeks and feed them their own bollocks is the pomp and ceremony that surrounds the whole charade. It’s the posing. They crouch down for photos with big dumb smiles smeared across their chubby little cunt faces behind a beautiful creature smeared in blood. It’s like taking a disgusting, runny shit, after a particular poor quality curry, and then taking a selfie with it in the bathroom as it sits there languishing in the toilet bowl. The pride of something so unimpressive and fetid is so cringe worthy that it makes me want to crawl up inside my own arse just to get way from it. Slightly off topic, but certainly an issue for me as a fox, is the pretentiousness of the fox hunter. Trotting around the countryside dressed like Clare Balding on Christmas day and blowing a wanky little trumpet whilst they - and army of insane dogs - try and rip a small fox to bits as if that’s a level playing fielding. Killing an animals when the odds are so stacked against it obviously isn’t a sport. It’s a piece of piss. Every time me or one of my mates slips into a baby’s room and eats its fingers everyone goes completely mental and won’t shut up about it for months. Obviously that’s not really a fair fight either but at least its one on one. Also, apart from me, most foxes, including my mate Double Denim David, don’t have the power of rational thought and reason.
So here is what I ask of you. I demand that The Supreme Court Of Zimbabwe take Walter James Palmer to court and deliver the harshest sentence possible. No one likes the fucking Americans anyway and maybe it’s time to deliver a serious message about how to respect your country and heritage. Everyone loved Cecil The Lion apparently and you can’t let some podgey faced little dentist fucker get away with going over there and shooting him and then letting him bleed out for 40 hours go unpunished. I know Zimbawe’s moral compass is probably a bit fucked considering your president is war mongering dictator, Robert Mugabe, but I’m seriously hoping that that will, for once, be an advantage. I hope you take this plonker into an extremely scary jail that’s reminiscent of something from the film ‘Hostel’ and do things to him that would make a sane person go a bit dizzy. This idiot should be delivered the maximum sentence possible and hopefully a bit worse than that. I’m not exactly sure what Zimabwe’s ideas are on capital punishment are but I honestly hope to find out and eagerly anticipate watching the whole terrifying scenario play out on YouTube.
This is serious. If I, Gus The Fox, can get 1 million signatures on this petition, will you please seriously consider sending Walter James Palmer into the Masai Mara Game Reserve and have him hunted by a group of animal conservationists armed with spears and ridiculously large dildos? Cheers
Gus The Fox