VILE CLIVE'S
ESTATE AGENTS:
CITY PROPERTIES

















43A THE LARCHES
FRIERN BARNET
£1250pcm 
Fans of the A406 North circular ring road won't want to miss out on this extraordinary opportunity to live directly underneath one of the dual carriageway's very sort after slip roads, within walking distance of a tree.
This part furnished studio comes with a sort of ceiling, an HIV negative bed and a bit of wood that has the word 'Paul' written on it in soy sauce.
If you enjoy sleeping inches away from the thundering, repetitive, thrum of International heavy good vehicles then you won't want to miss out on this great little bargain.
Tenant's fees apply. No DSS.
For viewings please call Knackered Alf on 07890707466


FUCKER HENDERSON'S CARAVAN, LIMEHOUSE BASIN,
£1750pcm 
Good at scaling razor wire fences? Confident you can outrun/fight a German Shepherd? Then this is the place for you. Located right next to a part of the river that hardly ever has any murders that end up going to court, this stunning riverside property can be yours for as much as six nights of the week (The landlord will require the caravan for at least one night of the week for whatever it is he does with those dogs and that box of wigs) - a rota will be provided once an offer has been accepted).
This fantastic property comes with 2 beds, a small kitchenette, a bucket of sort of water, a bag of soiled children's clothes, some tupperware pots full some other stuff and a toilet that's certainly seen better days.
No smokers or pets.
Call Mr F Henderson - 890765


















43, THE RAILWAY LINES
BETWEEN COCKFOSTERS AND SOUTH MIMMS
£997.067pcm 
Have you ever seen a homeless man chop his own cock off with a pair of secateurs? Well you just might if you snap up this great little 2 bedroom property located moments away from one of those big sheds that trains go to sleep in. 
This quirky property, made from 100% pig iron, was originally designed as an incinerator.
It features two bedrooms/segments and a reception room/furnace, that currently houses 213 out of date barrels of rapeseed oil and loads of dead wasps and bees. 
Also, once there was an owl that sat on the chimney bit, an interesting conversation piece to have with friends over dinner/wasps.
Call Wilford Brimley  - -7890654344


FLAT 36, THE MIND OF A DYING SWAN, GRAND UNION CANAL,
HAMMERSMITH
£230 PER WEEK
As the cost of living in the city gets higher and higher by the day it's becoming increasingly important to be creative and think outside the box. With that in mind, there's never been a better time to move into the mind of a dying swan. You'll save £££s living in a flat which exists entirely in the prefrontal cortex of one of the Nation's most regal river dwelling birds as it slowly slips off this mortal coil on account of terrible injuries inflicted by the outboard motor of a small inflatable boat. Features large reception room and 2 generously sized bedrooms. No cats, DSS or refunds.
For viewings please call Mrs B.J Parsnip on 08454324564















No1 'THE LEGO HOUSE'
PUTNEY BRIDGE 
SW6
£1600PCM
A must see property.
Owned  by a five year old lad named Oliver. This must-see property is located in Oliver's mum's kitchen in the highly sought after borough of Wandsworth and boasts beautiful views of a Dualit 2-slot combi-toaster, a crayon drawing Oliver did of a horse and a pot of basil.
This cosy property is ideal for a professional couple who can be creative with a 20cm square space and don't mind occasionally receiving visits from Moshi monsters and a plastic figurine of Donkey from the Shrek films.
Excellent transport links to the jubilee line and only a 5 minute walk to the heath.
For viewings please call Jill (Oliver's mum) on 07890708675

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