VALENTINES
DAY:
HOW TO GET
A LAST
MINUTE
DATE
Much like New Year's Eve, Valentines Day is an absolute clusterfuck of misery if you're single and haven't fingered anyone for weeks and weeks on end. Everyone will keep asking you what you have lined up and when you tell them that you're just staying in on your own and firing off some knuckle children in front of Desperate Housewives, they'll look at you with pity and disgust, as if you've got cholera smeared all around your mouth.
But before you give up entirely and splatter your brains out all over your bungalow walls, remember, there is someone for everyone. It sounds like a cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea, especially in the sea, where are literally plenty of fish.
You might have a face like a bag of dog tods dangling from a tree and a personality that glitters as brightly as a black hole, and it may very well feel like trying to find someone to love you is as pointless as flicking peas at a goose, but there's someone out there who's just as desperate as you, you just have to find each other.
Here are my top tips for finding yourself a last minute date.
1 - THE PRISON SYSTEM
It's easy to forget that people who are spending the rest of their lives in solitary confinement for raping, killing and eating stray dogs are often interested in pursuing relationships and a lot of prisons happily offer conjugal visits in an attempt to discourage inmates from resorting to palming one off and flinging it at the guards.
2 - ONLINE DATING
These days online dating has certainly lost its stigma and, as such, all the biggest dating sites are saturated and that's going to make it hard for someone like you, who looks like they live in a cave and drink their own bath water, to fool anyone decent into clicking the 'yes' button. The internet is certainly worth considering however. Sites like Gumtree and Craigslist are excellent because you don't need to set up a professional and reassuring profile, simply post up a picture of Zac Efron, copy and paste a biography off someone who isn't mental and you'll be having it away with your new partner / terrified victim in no time
3 - DOGGING
Nothing says Valentine's Day quite like having a man you've never met wank over your back in a van near the abandoned reservoir.
Nothing says Valentine's Day quite like having a man you've never met wank over your back in a van near the abandoned reservoir.
4 - THE EX
You don't get anywhere by giving up, just ask any determined gold medalist. If you can't find someone new to love you then perhaps it's time to spend Valentines with someone who once did. Here's how to play it...
- Turn up at their new house with flowers and force our way in
- Try and ignore their new husband/wife, keep smiling and avoiding eye contact with them whilst they shout at you to get the fuck out
- Put some music on. If the children are crying then turn it up
- Start cooking dinner and chat to your ex about times gone by (tell them you still remember what their nipples look like)
- Open a bottle of wine whilst grabbing onto the sideboard as the policeman tries to remove you from the building.
- Thank you ex for a lovely night as you're taken away in handcuffs
- Spend the rest of the night in your cell sacrificing sperm to the God of Lonely Nights.
- Plan your next date if/when you're released from the big house
5 - GO OUT WITH A HORSE
Spend a lovely and romantic night in a field with a horse. Sexy lingerie, wine, romantic music, the works. When it gets late though don't be tempted to go all the way with the horse because you will die.
6 - SEXBOT 5000
If you're lucky enough to own one of those creepy, life-sized sex dolls then perhaps it's time to take it out on a date. Dress it up nice, but it some chocolates and book a limo to take you out for a romantic meal for two. It would be wise to check with Pizza Express customer services that they're cool with this so as to avoid being removed/sectioned.
7 - CHAT ROULETTE
Turn down the lights, slap on a bit of Barry White and spend the evening looking at Ukrainian penises.
8 - ASK A STRANGER
Wander the streets asking people if they'll marry you. This probably won't work but you could just happen to come across a complete fucking lunatic who doesn't even know what day of the week it is and then Bob's your uncle.
9 - ASK YOUR UNCLE BOB
...He seemed to take a shine to you when you were 7
10 - IF ALL ELSE FAILS
If all else fails then I've designed a range of Valentines Day cards that are basically like rohypnol in paper form when printed out.
Good luck with the dating and remember, most importantly, don't grass up old Gus when you get arrested.
