THE BEST
FOOTBALL MASCOTS 
2019 

Name: Gnawvax
Team: Partick Thistle
Terror Score: 8
About: Partick Thistle got the idea for their new mascot after their goalie, Ted McCluster, described a vivid dream he had had after taking peyote and bingeing on a Simpson's boxset following the death of his dog. He described the terrifying scenes as the demon crawled out from his TV and dragged him through a portal where he was slowly devoured, atom by atom, by the yellow rascal. 
"After that night all I could see was darkness", said McCluster in 442 Magazine.
The result was Gnawvax, a mascot that can really strike fear into the hearts of Thistle's opponents.
Ted McCluster committed suicide with a banana after a brief spell in an Aberdeen Psychiatric Unit.


Name: Filthy Gary
Team: Scunthorpe United
Terror Score: 4
About: The only mascot in the premiere league to have started his life in the porn industry, Filthy Gary was found in the back of a shop that sold bongo mags and big rubber wangers under a flyover on the outskirts of Scunthorpe
Rumour has it that his whiskers were pulled out by legendary adult film star, Ron Jeremy whilst filming a particularly niche scene in the film 'Big Natural Wank Rabbits 4'. The online chat forums on the Scunthorpe United website constantly feature petitions to replace the mascot with something more sanitary. Though some fans use the chatroom to buy and sell videos from Filthy Gary's saucey back catalogue.



Name: Billy the EDL Goat
Team: Southampton F.C
Terror Score: 7
About: When it comes to gruff, it doesn't get much more so than this intimidating little customer. Jumping on the 'Brexit-Britain' bandwagon, Southampton have come up with the sort of mascot that says "first I'm going to free Tommy Robinson, and then we'll have a lovely game of football"
This militant Billy Goat comes with his own backstory according to Southampton's website. He's spent the last 10 years in the slammer for burning down his local Post Office and now he parades up the Southampton coastline, armed to teeth and protecting the shores of Britain from foreigners.
Some people have criticised Southampton for Billy The EDL Goat, particularly considering that they only have 3 English players in their entire squad. 
Manager, Mark Hughs, has refused to comment


Name: Dr Javier Fetlock, The Magical Satanic Horse
Team: Huddersfield
Terror Score: 8
About: When it comes to innovation, Huddersfield have really broken the mould this year they as they unveil 'Dr Javier Fetlock, The Magical Satanic Horse', not just a mascot, but also a game in his own right. 
Each fixture, the horse is instructed to hunt out a young child, gallop over to him or her and stand directly in front of them at an intimidating proximity that will undoubtedly get right into the child's dreams. 
£10'000 a week and 4 season tickets are up for grabs for any youngster who can successfully ignore the unhallowed equine for the full 90 minutes whilst it whispers diabolical verses about their parents inevitable death into their ears in a terrifying, slow, drawl.
Chairman, Dean Hoyle, has said " I don't expect we'll be giving much money away. Far more likely that the little fucker will lose his composure, wet his pants and then I expect it'll be an awkward drive home from the game for the entire family as Dad loses his rag. It's going  to be wonderful".


Name: Jim Scrote
Team: Burnley F.C
Terror Score: 3
About: Due to a communication mixup between the club, the mascot designer and someone shouting "You're Bollcoks!" out of a van window, Burnley F.C will be starting the season supported by unlikely mascot, Jim Scrote, a pair of knackers that have magically come to life and, as legend has it, live beneath the turf, raping all the ants. Ok Burnley, if you say so.  


Name: Haunted Paul
Team: Macclesfield Town
Terror Score: 7.5
About: Inspired by a story in the early 1800's about a man who got stung in the face by a wasp spider and lived in a barn in the Peak District just outside Macclesfield until being discovered by an unfortunate farmer and going on a 4 day murder bender with a sledgehammer until finally being caught waterboarding an old lady with his own blood near Congelton, the story of Haunted Paul is one regaled to children on Christmas Day every year around the Cheshire and Derbyshire border. This year Macclesfield Town are finally adopting him as their mascot. About time too.


Name: Hugo Tryst
Team: Yeovil Town
Terror Score: 9
About: Terrifying yet true, Yeovil Town's mascot may look like a costume but is, in fact, local retired butcher, Hugo Tryst who, in 2009, underwent a medical procedure that sadly went wrong causing his head to swell up like a pig's underpants. His lips and nose ballooned into a freaky, cartoonish monstrosity that left surgeons around the world stumped. People say that beneath his hat you'll find his old face screaming up into the black void, though this has been strongly denied by several medical professionals. 
Hugo now has to wear special diving boots issued by the local council which prevent him from running away and attacking people.
Every match day he is sedated and 'released' to meet the fans and cheer on the his beloved team from the sidelines, always with at least four M16 sniper rifles aimed at his head from the rafters.