INVISIBLE RICHARD'S TANKTOP EPIPHANY
Trainer: Seamus O'Shadowpuppet
Came third in the Gaviscon Cup last year. Been running well on soft ground and has spent the entire year eating bees. Put everything you own on it unless you're fucking stupid, I would.
THE KNACKERED RADIATOR
Trainer: Finbar O'Toolbox
Been on good form lately. Runs sideways like a crab like something you might see in your worst nightmare, but don't let that put you off. Apparently, the jockey plans to ride this horse "on the inside", which involves climbing into the beast via the anus and wearing the hind legs like a pair of trousers. Never been done before but apparently well within the rules. Could be an interesting punt.
Trainer: Harry O'Speedwagon
His mother ran so fast at the 2004 derby that she burst into flames and vanished and reappeared at the finishing line peppered with bullet holes before crumbling into dust. An unfortunate demise but you don't often see speeds like that outside of quantum physics.
LEATHER GROIN MASSAGE
Trainer: Sir Findus Crispy Pancakes
Broke both his front legs and died at the start of the year but plans on running in ghost form. Will be able to run through the fences which will save him time but will be relying on everyone believing that he even exists. Might be an interesting contender.
SLUG PELLET MEDLEY
Trainer: Padraig O'Battlequest
The trainer has alluded to the fact that Slug Pellet Medley might be wearing a little fake moustache and two pairs of jogging bottoms for a laugh. Might be a funny idea but it won't help him win on the day.
MICHAEL BARRYMORE'S CHLORINATED DEATH PUDDLE
Trainer: Ardal O'Dardleradar
Sometimes stops halfway around the course to nibble at the grass so the team would do very well to make sure he's nice and full up on sausages, bovril, luncheon meat, Cajun spiced chicken strippers, blancmange and Cadburys Creme Eggs before the starting pistol.
Fun fact: This horse once killed a child by kicking it in the head.
YOU ARE A OLD MAN NOW
Trainer: Ronan O'Fingerblast
A really, really, really, fast horse. Faster than like a mouse or man on a bike. Stinks though. A really smelly horse. The Jockey fucking stinks of piss as well. No one likes this horse. Or the fucking jockey. Honestly just the worst gang of cunts you can think of. I hope they both fall over and fucking die.
THE JAPANESE RETARD
Trainer: Dermot O'Dermotodermatologist
Due to a corporate tie-in with a popular chocolate manufacturer this horse is actually a zebra which apparently falls within the rules of entry due to some kind of equine loophole. Slow as fuck. Doesn't stand a chance. Daft little legs. Bringing the entire sport into disrepute. Good name though. Also the jockey is fit as arseholes.
BLIND IAN'S FASCIST PIGGY BANK
Trainer: Bishop Brendan O'Breadbasket
This horse has got horse cancer so it probably won't win.
Trainer: Keenan O'O'Estrogen
Ran nicely in the Fray Bentos Steeplechase in Harrogate last summer. Loves Jesus. He once had sex with his own Grandad which is a shame but he's a lovely horse and his trainer is a real character.
He's unlikely to do well at The National this year though since his testicles have ballooned in size and now it looks like he's dragging two Fiat Cincquecentos around in a tarpaulin. They really are just SO big it's hard to explain. It's actually cruel keeping him alive. There's a petition on the internet with almost 35'000 signatures in favour of having him shot in the head with a bolt gun just to put him out of his fucking misery.
THE BEST OF THE REST
- ROARING LUCY BANTERBUS
- 14000 PHOTOS OF MY VAGINA
- KINKY MUNGO
- CALL ME, CHELMET
- THE N WORD
- BONG EYED RICHARD
- A HORSE CALLED VACUUM BAG
- RICHARD OSMAN'S DORMANT TAMAGOTCHI
- CRAP ALAN
- A BILLION YEARS OF SUGARCRAFT
- BINGO THE DIRT MERCHANT
- GRAZING ON HAMMERITE
- 50 SHADES OF PIG SHIT
- LADDERGOESUPLADDERGOESDOWNYESIKNOWHOWA LADDERWORKSTHANKS
- JEFFREY DAHMER'S TERRIBLE POP UP RESTAURANT
- MALARIA BOY
- SHATTERED ANUS
- DISSAPOINTING ROY
- GULLABLE SUSAN
- BORN WITH A HEAD FULL OF WASPS