BINVENTIONS
EEL DUNGAREES (DUNGAREELS?)
Finally,
a solution to an age old problem. This one legged dungaree is just what the
doctor ordered for the modern eel with shit to do.
Comes
with a large front pocket, ideal for carrying rocks, silt, weeds and canned
goods up and down stream.
Also available in beige.
MUSICAL SNAKE HELMET
Say
goodbye to non-musical snakes with the MUSICAL SNAKE HELMET.
The
Musical Snake Helmet is a simple transistor radio attached to a small helmet
that will fit any grass snake, adder or slow worm.
Simply
strap the helmet to the nearest serpent and then sit back and let the good
times roll.
THE BIN ROD
Nothing's
more frustrating than a dustbin with a lid on it, especially when you know full
well that it's absolutely full to the brim with medical waste (bollocks, tits, lungs etc) like the one up at the hospital.
The
Bin Rod makes lifting the lid off tricky refuse containers an absolute doddle
and the carved mahogany handle says "Who's this suave customer?" to
any cunt you happen to bump into on your rounds. An absolute must-have for
the modern gent who enjoys licking vile filth out of bins.
THE NEVER ENDING WASP
Not
sure how this would work, but it's basically a wasp that will never grow old
and die. It's basically an immortal wasp. It'd be amazing. You'd never be
lonely again. Just trying to sort out the nitty-gritty.
THE INFLATOR
It
can be dangerous and annoying when you're trying to eat a battered crow that's
been squashed in the middle of a dual carriageway and you have to keep running
out of the way of traffic to avoid joining the bastard in the afterlife.
You
can't move it because it's stuck fast with it's guts. Not a problem with THE
INFLATOR!
The
Inflator is a small pump attached to a length of pipe. Simply stick the pipe
into the dead cunt's throat and then roll the pump into the path of oncoming
traffic. Each time a wheel passes over the pump, a jet of air will be sent into
the crow's lungs until eventually it should start to inflate and then you can
just roll it off into the woods and eat it in peace.
NB: The pump could be disguised as a pheasant so that drivers would
aim for it instead of swerving out of it's way.
MOUSE CANON / SWAN PISTOL
Not
sure if anyone will want one of these to be honest. It's basically a sort of
gun / crossbow that shoots mice at swans. Don't even know what the point of
this is yet to be honest. I've got a good mind to stop building the bugger.
I'd
quite like it to be mainly digital.
Was
also thinking it might be quite nice if it had a picture of Pauline Quirk from
'Birds of a Feather' on the handle.
I'll
be honest, I sort of need to go back to the drawing board on this one a bit.
I might fuck this one off actually. Can't exactly see Duncan
Bannatyne biting my hand off for this one.