GEORGE'S TEACHERS WORRY THAT HE'S ALREADY AN EXPERT IN THE DARK ARTS
Prince George has started his school career at elite London prep school Thomas’s in Battersea, but within the first couple of months some of his teachers have noticed peculiar behaviour from the third in line to the throne, including black magic, witchcraft and necromancy.
Reports have been leaked about the pint-sized royal engaging in bizarre and paranormal antics whilst attending the exclusive establishment which boasts a ballet room, rooftop playground and pottery studio and costs onwards and upwards of £19’000 a year.
“For the first month or two I just thought they were silly rumours” said head of nursery, Miss Caroline Tixylix, “but just a few weeks ago I could swear that I saw George levitate for a couple of seconds in the playground whilst he was playing kiss chase with Anastasia Persephone Ogilvy III and Lady Seraphina Gwendolyn Armstrong-Jones of Kent” (both 5).
Music teacher, Ms Bijou Hatchwork made an even bolder claim when she reported that she’d seen the heir to the throne scramble across the ceiling after painting a pentagram on the wall in blood. “I watched him scrawl some sort of satanic rune into the wall of the modern languages department using the decapitated remains of the school hamster, Mr Bongo” said Ms Hatchwork “and then he just looked up at me and hissed before scurrying up the lockers and across the ceiling like some sort of vampiric rat” she continued. “I used to think he was kind of cute, but now I’m ashamed to say that I give him a wide birth, he gives me the willies”.
The deputy headmistresses of the school has also noticed malevolent behaviour from the Prince. Mrs Frangipane Bagshot has said that just days ago she saw the Queen’s great- grandson in the library chanting ancient Mesopatanian incantations and invoking the spirits of Sumerian Gods of the underworld. “I couldn’t believe what I was watching” said Mrs Bagshot “When you take on a job as a primary school teacher you don’t expect to have to deal with children using ritualistic magic to summon up the ghosts of Babylon deities. They usually wait until they go to Eton before they start doing that sort of thing”.
Last Thursday at the school, dinner lady Ena Todd was found hanging in the woods above a Wiccan alter constructed using sheets, curtains and artefacts from Prince George’s bedroom in Kensington Palace. The Metropolitan Police are treating the case as death by misadventure.
Carol Vorderman has revealed this week that she has no idea how she got any of the solutions right during her tenure as the arithmetic co-host on Channel 4’s Countdown and guessed them every single time, possibly making her the jammiest person in human history .
The buxom brainiac has revealed that she’s always struggled with mathematics to the point of being diagnosed with dyscalculia at school. “I’ve never been able to do maths” said Vorderman, “numbers just don’t make sense to me at all and they when I look at them they just dance around the paper and make me feel dizzy”.
The broadcaster went on to explain that her friend had encouraged her to go and try out for the job on Countdown for a bit of a laugh. “When I got there I was just expecting to wear a tight dress and flip over a few numbers, but when a particularly complicated equation popped up and stumped the contestants the crew turned to me to solve it, I panicked and wrote down some gibberish and somehow got it right”. Vorderman was given the gig but knew it was only a matter of time before she was rumbled. “I knew my luck wouldn’t last but at the time I just really needed the money”.
She made her debut television appearance in November 1982 in what was to be the first ever programme broadcast on Channel 4. “I only had to guess one on the first episode and unbelievably managed to get it right again” said Vorderman. “I couldn’t believe I’d got away with it for a second time. I was a bag of nerves because I was sure that humiliation was just around the corner”. To start with she says it was just one sleepless night after another but as weeks turned into months and months turned into years her luck just didn’t run out. “I used to be standing there praying that the contestants would get it right, but every time they didn’t I just seemed to be able to pull it out of the bag” she joked.
“None of my friends believed me when I told them that I was guessing all the solutions and randomly writing down numbers and symbols but when they tested me down the pub they quickly discovered that I clearly didn’t have a fucking clue how to solve even the simplest maths problem”.
Busty Carol went on to claim that after a while she started to believe that she must be some sort of god. “After a year on the show I had to speak to a therapist because I was convinced that I must be the reincarnation of Horus The ancient Egyptian god of mathematics. I couldn’t see any other explanation as to how I kept managing to pluck these algebraic solutions out of thin air time after time”.
The Loose Women presenter also joked that her bizarre luck with numbers didn’t seem to extend to any other area of her life. “I started to think that if I could do it on Countdown then maybe I’d be just as lucky when it came to the National Lottery but to this day I’ve never managed to get a single number right”.
Chesty Carol worked on the show for 26 years correctly guessing the solution to over 15’000 number-based head scratchers which the Bureau of Statistics claim gave her a one in 180 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion chance of success making her the jammiest person who’s ever lived.
Professor Brian Cox went onto Twitter and claimed that “to put these odds into context you’d have to take a ‘1’ followed by as many zeros as there grains of sand on Planet Earth.”
He continued “Occam’s razor is a principle in philosophy that assumes that the most likely explanation to a problem will usually be the answer and in my opinion it’s more probable that Carol is actually really good at maths but just doesn’t realise it.”
According to a recent poll, a terrifying 39% of the British electorate believe that a house can be haunted and a chilling 35% of the UK - who are all legally allowed to vote in UK elections - believe in ghosts, whilst a frightening 9% of people - who are trusted to have their say in a referendum - even go as far as to claim that they’ve communicated with the dead.
We ask 5 celebrities about their paranormal encounters with the hope of finding out, once and for all, whether ghosts are real or not which they’re not because they’re obviously not.
1 - ANDY FORDHAM (Darts Player)
“I’m absolutely convinced that ghosts exist as I’ve personally been followed by some sort of malevolent poltergeist since I was about 30 (stone). Wherever I go in my house I hear the eerie sound of squeaking floorboards and often, after dinner, my wife will tell me that she can smell an acrid aroma reminiscent of sulphur, as though our house were built upon some kind of hell-mouth to the underworld. It gets weirder than that as well because wherever I live the bulbs inside my fridge burn out in no time at all leaving electricians baffled and giving me no other option than to assume that my kitchen is possessed by Zuul, The Gatekeeper of Gozer, who made his most famous appearance in the original Ghostbusters film. Me and the Mrs have tried moving house but the same thing happens wherever we go. Very spooky.”
2 - DANNY DYER (Actor and geezer)
“I’ve been getting proper mugged off by a pillar and post every since I found out that I’m related to that slag Edward III and now that that spooky fucking melt has figured out that me and the Mrs have got a bit of bunce he’s been doing my swede in every night, floating around the place and giving it the big, I am. Everyone says I’ve gone completely radio rental but I’ve seen the creepy little mug with my own mince pies. I wish I’d never gone on ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ because now I’m wasting my time bowling into the local church and trying to get the local rev to come over and stripe up the creepy little plum with holy water until he does one”
3 - PETER SISSONS (Newsreader)
“Well I believe in ghosts because when I was a little boy me and my friend Kevin cycled up the road to the old abandoned psychiatric hospital in our village so that we could break in and give ourselves the willies. Whilst we were in there we met the ghost of Brian Belo, star of Big Brother season 8. It was terrifying but the whole thing’s made even more spooky when you consider that Brian Belo wasn’t even born until 35 years later and didn’t even appear on British Television until 2007 so how did I even know who he was? The entire thing sends a shiver down my spine and now my wife makes me speak to a special doctor about all of this”
4 - RACHEL RILEY (Presenter)
“Everyone who works on Countdown knows that ghosts exist because the studio’s been haunted by the ghost of Richard Whitely for the last 10 years. Quite often during filming he’ll put up sinister messages using the magnetic letters or scrawl satanic runes onto the whiteboard during the numbers round which makes editing the show 10 times harder than it needs to be. It’s not all harmless fun though. Nobody likes to be the last one to leave the studio because there’s always things flying around and bursting into flames. On more than one occasion production staff and contestants have ended up getting killed. I never knew Richard when he was alive but I can’t say I’m a fan”
5 - DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (Naturalist and Presenter)
“I’ve always wondered whether albino animals are actually ghosts. I’m told by zoologists and biologists that they categorically aren’t and it’s simply something to do with skin pigmentation but I’m still not sure, they certainly look a bit like ghosts to me”
Anyone who’s watched the news recently will already know that it won’t be long now until the UK is nothing more than a baron dystopian wasteland controlled entirely by gangs on dirt bikes with human skulls for helmets. Many of us are now expected to die in a nude knife fight over the last bottle of water in our village as the cruel sun beats down on our weather-beaten bodies! But will it be all that bad? We ask 5 celebs how they’d survive …
LIVING IN A POST-APOCALYPSE BRITAIN
KIRSTY ALLSOPP (Television Presenter)
As soon as it all started going a bit ‘Mad Max’ I think I’d get in my Range Rover and drive up to Scotland and find a really remote cottage in the middle of nowhere so that I’d be as far away from danger as possible. Then I’d bust my way in and kill whoever lived there and bolt the doors shut behind me and wait for it all to blow over.
GEROGE MONBIOT (Writer and activist)
After spending my entire life campaigning and writing about environmentalism and climate change it would be a sad day indeed to wake up in a post-apocalyptic dust bowl having realised that it’s now too late. However, I’ve always said if you can’t beat them, join them. With that in mind, as soon as society begins to collapse and scavenging tribes of bandits take control over the wastelands of this once great country, I’ll be the first to tattoo my own face and join a motley crew of hooligans on quad bikes who’ll tour the arid landscape murdering and killing everyone and anything that stands in our way.
BORIS JOHNSON (Prime Minister)
As somebody who’s actively encouraging this country to descend into a terrifying no-mans-land, I’ll be fine because as PM I’ll have access to a secret bunker that’s hidden under a hillside in Kent. Once there I’ll be able to see out my days eating delicious tinned produce from Fortnum and Mason whilst I crack on with my hobby of painting buses on the side of milk crates. Sadly I won’t be able to bring my children with me as there’s only room down there for fifty people, so I’ll just take a couple of girlfriends who won’t be able to escape out of either of the 25-ton blast doors constructed from steel and reinforced concrete.
BEAR GRHYLLS (Survival Expert)
I reckon I’d probably quite enjoy it if everything went tits up because then I could finally employ some of my survival tactics, such as drinking my own piss, without feeling like I’m completely wasting my life. I might encourage my wife and children to embark on a life-threatening swim across the ocean to one of the more remote Channel Islands where I could keep them warm and dry by covering them in my own excrement. We could eat insects and sheep’s eyes and drink my piss and I reckon we’d have the time of our lives.
DEBORAH MEADEN (Sour-faced businesswoman and TV dragon)
As an entrepreneur I’d be on the look out for how to make a quick buck from the inevitable downfall of Great Britain. Whether it’s food, ammunition or gigantic rusty thunder-domes used for gladiatorial motorbike jousting tournaments, I’d stockpile as much as I could and savagely undercut anyone like Peter Jones who had the same idea. I’d spend my days atop a rusty throne inside a fortified cave patrolled by barbaric cyberpunks just like I do now and life wouldn’t seem that much different.
Nobody (with the exception of scientists) has the first clue what’s in the centre of this planet we all live on. Travelling to the core has long been the subject of science fiction stories but just what would that be like if it was possible which it definitely isn’t? We’ve asked some of Britain’s favourite celebs...
WHAT'S IN THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH?
1 - MONTY DON (Gardener’s World Presenter) 64
“Well I spend a lot of time in my vegetable patch fannying about with my trowel and I’ve noticed that the main thing I seem to come across is worms. I’ve also noticed that the deeper I dig, the larger the worms seem to get which makes me wonder whether there’s one giant earthworm in the centre on the Earth’s core. My wife thinks I’m mad but I spend a lot of time fantasising about this terrestrial leviathan writhing around. I’ve even taken to worshiping the beast and performing sacrificial rituals in its honour. I don’t know though, maybe I’m being a bit daft”
2 - THOMAS SCHAFERNAKER (TV weatherman) 40
“As someone who occupies their time thinking about what’s going on above us rather than below I’ve never really given it much thought at all, but it stands to reason that there’s probably a race anaemic, subterranean rat people who live in a network of underground caves and have no idea that we live out here on the surface. Given that the temperature inside the Earth is the same as that on the surface of the sun they won’t have to worry about things like rain and drizzle, but when it comes to high pressure they’ll have their work cut out for them as it’ll be somewhere in the region of 360 gigapascals which makes the current pressure sweeping in on the Gulf Stream pale into insignificance”
3 - JUSTIN WELBY (Archbishop of Canterbury) 63
“Well it’s certainly a hot potato and that’s why my answer is a hot potato. I once left a baked potato in the oven for three days in my Rectory and it was tough as old boots...but still edible. I sometimes think about all that molten magma down there and wonder whether it might be like God’s oven. Maybe he’s cooking a massive baked potato and when it’s ready he’ll insight the rapture and then dig it out and enjoy a well deserved snack. I’m not sure about the idea of it it being a place where demons live and prick at the damned with their pitchforks for eternity, for me that just seems a little far-fetched”
4 - PROFESSOR RICHARD DAWKINS (Atheist Author) 78
According to scientists the Earth’s core is constructed from iron and nickel and lighter elements such as lead and uranium. Apparently conditions from the centre of the Earth have been constructed in a laboratory and the results, when viewed under a microscope, strongly suggest that these elements may have formed into giant crystals which run north
to south which have been pumping out vast amounts of heat and radiation since the Earth was first created during the big bang.
However, I’ve noticed that when you water the garden the water disappears and doesn’t ever seem to come back out which makes me wonder whether the Earth is just full of water and could burst at any point like a giant water balloon. This idea frightens the life out of me and makes me wish that I had some kind of faith in an afterlife. I also stay up all night worrying that it’s probably full of skellington bones”
5 - NADIA HUSSEIN (TV chef and Bake Off winner) 34
“Well if I was making a planet then I’d probably pipe it full of something like tomato and passionfruit jam or chocolate stout jelly. I reckon it’s nice and cool in the core of the Earth because it doesn’t get any sunlight so even if you used something like clotted cream I think it would possibly stay fresh for absolutely ages. That’s what I’d do if I was in charge but if you’re asking what I actually think is in centre of the Earth then I reckon it's just full of rocks and mud and that”
6 - DAPPY (Former N-Dubz rapper) 32
“I’ve always been quite interested in the Hollow Earth theory, most notably suggested by astronomer Edmond Halley in the late 17th century, even though this concept has been reduced to pseudoscience over the last 300 years I still reckon there might be something in it. As a fan of the book ‘Journey to the Centre of the Earth’ by Jules Verne, I do think it would be amazing if the Earth’s core was a vast, volcanic, landscape inhabited by prehistoric beasts and giant insects. Even if that’s just the stuff of fiction I still reckon it’s likely that Earth is hollow because that would sort of explain how it floats in space. If it was full up then I reckon it would just fall out of the sky and smash on the ground somewhere like a massive egg”
TV Presenter Eamonn Holmes yesterday announced that he would be stepping down from all of his broadcasting commitments, effective immediately, so that he can concentrate on a personal project that he’s started working on in his back garden...Digging a hole to the centre of the Earth.
The 59 year old Sky News Anchor has revealed that he’s already started work on his back yard abyss and reckons it should be open to the public by the end of the year.
Eamonn went on to explain that he intends to capitalise on this venture by opening up a small cafe next to the gaping void which he plans to turn into a tourist attraction. “Ruth and myself have just returned back from a holiday in the USA and they’ve got all sorts of interesting roadside attractions”. He went on to say “whilst we were in Wisconsin, we saw the World’s biggest ball of twine and it was shite...but they were raking it in”.
The host of This Morning says that the yawning chasm will pretty much back directly onto the A339 near Basingstoke and provide a much needed tourism hotspot for anyone travelling between Guildford and Reading on the M3.
The current record for the deepest manmade hole belongs to the Kola Superdeep Borehole in Northwest Russia which reaches a depth of 40,230ft (7.619 miles) but the Irish Talkradio host says that his gorge will blow that out of the water.
“I can’t say I’m particularly impressed by any of these Russian research boreholes. The deepest one doesn’t even get halfway through the Earth’s crust and it’s only 9 inches in diameter”
“Mine’s already loads wider than that and it’s pretty deep as well. If you fell into it you could really do yourself a mischief and I’ve only been at it for a week”.
When asked what he’d do when he hits the seven mile mark and the mud starts boiling with hydrogen, Holmes said “I’ve got a TradePoint card at B&Q and that means I can afford some pretty serious gear. The gloves and boots that I picked up look more than up to the job of protecting me from things like geothermal silicon dioxide”.
“I’m not stupid, I know I’ve got my work cut out for me” Holmes continued “ The Earth’s mantle alone is 1800 miles thick and flows with the consistency of asphalt, so there’s every change that I’m going to have to put down the spade and make a trip to my local plant hire company and get to grips with how to operate a digger”
“I just think it’s crazy that we can put a man on the moon but we don’t even know what’s in the centre of our own planet when all we need to do is roll up our sleeves and put in a bit of effort”
Asked what he’ll do when it’s finished, Holmes joked “I’ll probably sit back and Ruth can run the cafe and sort out the admission fees for a bit. I dare say I’ll be ready for a cup of tea and bun...I’ll be spent”.
When Eamonn’s wife and co-presenter, Ruth Langsford was asked her thoughts she replied “We’re really worried about him at the moment and he’s talking to a special doctor about all of this”.
1 - The great white shark can smell blood from over 3000 miles away which means that they can pretty much smell it full time unless they have a cold. Adult sharks will actually try to catch a cold by swimming down into deep water without wearing a jacket just so they can have a little break from smelling blood 24/7
2 - A lemon shark can smell one drop of blood in an Olympic size swimming pool which is a useless skill because the shark never get into an Olympic swimming pool because Olympic swimming pools are rarely built in the middle of the sea
3- A shark can detect the electrical impulse emitted by a standard AA battery one mile away, unless the battery is from Poundstretcher, in which case not even a small clock would be able to detect it, even when the battery has been connected
4 - Much like a tree, you can tell how old a shark is by counting the rings on its vertebrae. They are different from trees in other ways though. Sharks don’t have leaves and unlike trees it’s very difficult to set a shark on fire
5- Sharks think about sex every 5 seconds which is even more often than human men and must be very annoying because sharks can’t even have sex, unless you count blowing your beans into a bunch of eggs that have been buried in the sand, sex
6- Whale sharks, though completely harmless to humans, eat millions of tiny fish every year via a process called ‘passive feeding’. The only shark responsible for more deaths per year is the loan shark which prays on its victims by encouraging them to take out high interest loans using low budget, daytime television adverts. The loan shark will then start threatening to send the boys round until the victim inevitably takes their own life
7- The hammerhead shark is worshipped as a god by the staff of multinational DIY and home improvement retailer, B&Q. The employees gather in a back room every morning and pray to the underwater deity in a ritual that often involves chanting and blood sacrifice
8 - The largest shark that ever existed was the Megalodon which lived 3.6 million years ago and could have grown to be as big as 98ft in length. Its jaws would have been as big as Tower Bridge and just one of it’s teeth would have been the same size as the Etihad Stadium. If it had had legs then each one would have been as tall as the Eiffel Tower
9- During the filming of Jaws the actor Robert Shaw (who played Quint) was in fact eaten by a real life shark whilst the rubber model was being repaired on the beach. Spielberg kept the cameras rolling and encouraged Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider to carry on acting as Shaw was devoured and eaten in front of them
10 - A shark may lose and grow up to 1000 teeth a year. If humans could do the same then there would be no such thing as plastic toothbrushes which are, ironically, polluting the world’s oceans and killing up to 1000 sharks a year
11- The Greenland shark is the oldest known vertebrate on Earth, and some are thought to have been alive for more than 500 years, which means they would have been around in the time of William Shakespeare. Greenland sharks would have struggled to get a role in one of The Bard’s plays however, as they have usually been blinded by parasites and there’s absolutely no evidence to suggest that they can speak English
12 - The shortfin mako is on record as the fastest-swimming shark. It is capable of bursts of speed up to 18.8 metres per second and can accelerate even faster than television presenter Ant McPartlin after a boozy lunch
13- Tiger shark teeth are strong and sharp enough to tear their way through the vulcanised rubber consistency of an 8oz sirloin steak from Wetherspoons
14- A card shark is someone who uses skill and deception to win at cards, though this will usually result in them losing absolutely everything they own and wind up trying to tear their way through the vulcanised rubber consistency of an 8oz sirloin steak in Wetherspoons
15- Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a falling coconut than by a shark. Only one person has been recorded as being killed by both simultaneously. In 1952, Ian Pin, a coconut shy operator at Bertram’s Circus in Coney Island was knocked on the head by one of his coconuts and fell into a tank full of sharks that was due to be used in a magic trick by the great Harry Houdini
16- Like Victoria Beckham, a large great white shark can go a full three months between meals
17 - Shark fins are believed in Chinese culture to have properties of boosting sexual potency, but they don’t and anyone who thinks they do is wrong
18 - Professional Australian golfer, Greg Norman is nicknamed ‘The Great White Shark’ due to his pale hair and aggressive golf style. Also, on more than one occasion, he has been seen tossing seal lions around on the green with his snout before feasting on their thick blubbery flesh
19 - The world’s smallest shark, the pygmy shark, is just six inches long when fully grown which means it isn’t really a shark and is quite obviously just a fish. It’s basically the same as saying that tomatoes are actually a fruit when they’re quite obviously a vegetable
20 - The longest migration documented in sharks is a great white that traveled 12,400 miles from South Africa to Australia and back in less than nine months but still managed to return with a slight Australian accent which caused his friends to take the piss out of him and call him a bellend