According to a recent poll, a terrifying 39% of the British electorate believe that a house can be haunted and a chilling 35% of the UK - who are all legally allowed to vote in UK elections - believe in ghosts, whilst a frightening 9% of people - who are trusted to have their say in a referendum - even go as far as to claim that they’ve communicated with the dead.
We ask 5 celebrities about their paranormal encounters with the hope of finding out, once and for all, whether ghosts are real or not which they’re not because they’re obviously not.
1 - ANDY FORDHAM (Darts Player)
“I’m absolutely convinced that ghosts exist as I’ve personally been followed by some sort of malevolent poltergeist since I was about 30 (stone). Wherever I go in my house I hear the eerie sound of squeaking floorboards and often, after dinner, my wife will tell me that she can smell an acrid aroma reminiscent of sulphur, as though our house were built upon some kind of hell-mouth to the underworld. It gets weirder than that as well because wherever I live the bulbs inside my fridge burn out in no time at all leaving electricians baffled and giving me no other option than to assume that my kitchen is possessed by Zuul, The Gatekeeper of Gozer, who made his most famous appearance in the original Ghostbusters film. Me and the Mrs have tried moving house but the same thing happens wherever we go. Very spooky.”
2 - DANNY DYER (Actor and geezer)
“I’ve been getting proper mugged off by a pillar and post every since I found out that I’m related to that slag Edward III and now that that spooky fucking melt has figured out that me and the Mrs have got a bit of bunce he’s been doing my swede in every night, floating around the place and giving it the big, I am. Everyone says I’ve gone completely radio rental but I’ve seen the creepy little mug with my own mince pies. I wish I’d never gone on ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ because now I’m wasting my time bowling into the local church and trying to get the local rev to come over and stripe up the creepy little plum with holy water until he does one”
3 - PETER SISSONS (Newsreader)
“Well I believe in ghosts because when I was a little boy me and my friend Kevin cycled up the road to the old abandoned psychiatric hospital in our village so that we could break in and give ourselves the willies. Whilst we were in there we met the ghost of Brian Belo, star of Big Brother season 8. It was terrifying but the whole thing’s made even more spooky when you consider that Brian Belo wasn’t even born until 35 years later and didn’t even appear on British Television until 2007 so how did I even know who he was? The entire thing sends a shiver down my spine and now my wife makes me speak to a special doctor about all of this”
4 - RACHEL RILEY (Presenter)
“Everyone who works on Countdown knows that ghosts exist because the studio’s been haunted by the ghost of Richard Whitely for the last 10 years. Quite often during filming he’ll put up sinister messages using the magnetic letters or scrawl satanic runes onto the whiteboard during the numbers round which makes editing the show 10 times harder than it needs to be. It’s not all harmless fun though. Nobody likes to be the last one to leave the studio because there’s always things flying around and bursting into flames. On more than one occasion production staff and contestants have ended up getting killed. I never knew Richard when he was alive but I can’t say I’m a fan”
5 - DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (Naturalist and Presenter)
“I’ve always wondered whether albino animals are actually ghosts. I’m told by zoologists and biologists that they categorically aren’t and it’s simply something to do with skin pigmentation but I’m still not sure, they certainly look a bit like ghosts to me”
Anyone who’s watched the news recently will already know that it won’t be long now until the UK is nothing more than a baron dystopian wasteland controlled entirely by gangs on dirt bikes with human skulls for helmets. Many of us are now expected to die in a nude knife fight over the last bottle of water in our village as the cruel sun beats down on our weather-beaten bodies! But will it be all that bad? We ask 5 celebs how they’d survive …
LIVING IN A POST-APOCALYPSE BRITAIN
KIRSTY ALLSOPP (Television Presenter)
As soon as it all started going a bit ‘Mad Max’ I think I’d get in my Range Rover and drive up to Scotland and find a really remote cottage in the middle of nowhere so that I’d be as far away from danger as possible. Then I’d bust my way in and kill whoever lived there and bolt the doors shut behind me and wait for it all to blow over.
GEROGE MONBIOT (Writer and activist)
After spending my entire life campaigning and writing about environmentalism and climate change it would be a sad day indeed to wake up in a post-apocalyptic dust bowl having realised that it’s now too late. However, I’ve always said if you can’t beat them, join them. With that in mind, as soon as society begins to collapse and scavenging tribes of bandits take control over the wastelands of this once great country, I’ll be the first to tattoo my own face and join a motley crew of hooligans on quad bikes who’ll tour the arid landscape murdering and killing everyone and anything that stands in our way.
BORIS JOHNSON (Prime Minister)
As somebody who’s actively encouraging this country to descend into a terrifying no-mans-land, I’ll be fine because as PM I’ll have access to a secret bunker that’s hidden under a hillside in Kent. Once there I’ll be able to see out my days eating delicious tinned produce from Fortnum and Mason whilst I crack on with my hobby of painting buses on the side of milk crates. Sadly I won’t be able to bring my children with me as there’s only room down there for fifty people, so I’ll just take a couple of girlfriends who won’t be able to escape out of either of the 25-ton blast doors constructed from steel and reinforced concrete.
BEAR GRHYLLS (Survival Expert)
I reckon I’d probably quite enjoy it if everything went tits up because then I could finally employ some of my survival tactics, such as drinking my own piss, without feeling like I’m completely wasting my life. I might encourage my wife and children to embark on a life-threatening swim across the ocean to one of the more remote Channel Islands where I could keep them warm and dry by covering them in my own excrement. We could eat insects and sheep’s eyes and drink my piss and I reckon we’d have the time of our lives.
DEBORAH MEADEN (Sour-faced businesswoman and TV dragon)
As an entrepreneur I’d be on the look out for how to make a quick buck from the inevitable downfall of Great Britain. Whether it’s food, ammunition or gigantic rusty thunder-domes used for gladiatorial motorbike jousting tournaments, I’d stockpile as much as I could and savagely undercut anyone like Peter Jones who had the same idea. I’d spend my days atop a rusty throne inside a fortified cave patrolled by barbaric cyberpunks just like I do now and life wouldn’t seem that much different.