AN IDEA FOR A NEW PERFUME
Name : Don't know, something like 'Vixen' or 'Cistern' or something like that.
Tag line : Mmmmm. That smells nice.
Ingredients(?) : Fog, turmeric, tears, champagne and bees(98%)
What does it smell like? : Not great. I'm not going to lie to you it doesn't smell great at all.
Who's advertising it on the bloody poster? : Well it's a fragrance for a man or a woman so maybe someone like Angelina Jolie for the girls and someone like Nick Faldo for the boys.
The TV ad : Maybe something like...It's set in a big warehouse full tinned tuna. There's a man unbuttoning his shirt (maybe he works here in the warehouse? Maybe he's a fisherman - It's not clear). Anyway he's striding through this massive fuck off warehouse like he owns the place and he's fit as arseholes. (Everything's in black and white and we've got Sigur Ros pounding away in the background). The man walks up to a woman who's leaning against a digger and they start getting off with each other. After a couple of seconds the man explodes and turns into a swarm of bees. The woman screams and starts to have a panic attack. The camera zooms into the woman's eye and we see the bottle of this perfume. The voice over (Professor Brian Cox?) says "Mmmmm. That smells nice" and then it's basically just a case of sitting back and waiting for the bunce to come rolling in.
10:00am A MAN CALLED PIG EYES (FILM) - C4
A magical animated adventure about a man who lives in a bus shelter and wakes up on Christmas Day to discover that he has the eyes of a pig. Nominated for the 1989 'Academy Award for Traumatic Yuletide Children's Films'. Music by Rick Astley.
10:30am FORDHAM'S KITCHEN - ITV2
Join professional darts player Andy "The Viking" Fordham for this festive edition of his weekly cookery show. This week Andy is cooking a Christmas Dinner for one in his caravan on the Isle of Sheppey armed with only a tin of gammon, a parsnip, some supernoodles and a can of Branston Beans. (Contains very strong language and lots of crying)
11:15:am THE QUEEN'S LEECH - BBC1
In a bid to boost ratings, this year, Her Royal Highness will attempt to deliver her roundup of the year whilst undergoing various medieval medical practices including leeches, blood letting and trepanning. Press the red button, bet how far you think she'll get and you and your family could win a trip to Centre Parcs.
11:30am THE ANNUAL HOOF ROUNDUP - BBC1
Konnie Huq takes a look back over the most impressive hooves of 2014.
1:30pm WORLD'S DUMBEST SANTAS CAUGHT ON TAPE- CH5
A comedic look at the most half-witted Father Christmas impersonators caught on police dispatch cameras. This episode features a cumbersome Kriss Kringle who's forgotten where he's parked his van, a silly Santa who's had far too much to drink and a naughty St Nick who robs a petrol station at gunpoint before leading the police on a thrilling car chase that results in a fatal accident involving a family of five.
3:00pm THE ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - C4
This year the alternative Christmas message comes from wacky Palestinian Muslim Cleric, Abu Quatada, live from his prison cell in Jordan following his recent extradition from the UK. It'll be gags aplenty as he propagates the killing of women and children and unleashes a veritable medley of pro al-Qaeda dogma whilst pulling crackers and wearing a funny hat.
3:20pm SOIL-THE MUSICAL (FILM) - FILM4
Family film about a man who tries to make money by digging up his back garden and selling bags of soil to people in his neighbourhood .
Jack Kelloggs - Neil Morrissey
Kitty Peploe - Pauline Quirke
Digger - Sir Ian McKellen
The Compost Chap - Ross Kemp
Soil - Zoe Wanamaker
Cunt The Dog - Bingo Richardson
5:45pm WHAT IF I WAS BLIND? CHRISTMAS SPECIAL - CH5
A yuletide version of the talking head show where celebrities try and imagine what it might be like if they'd been born with little or no sight. In this episode Paul Ross describes how much he thinks he might struggle in a supermarket and Kate Silverton attempts to get into the mindset of a blind person who has to nurture a greenhouse full of herbs.
7:00pm THE NEWS - BBC1
In tonight's episode Peter Sissons talks about some of the things that have happened in the world over the past few hours.
(Includes very strong language and scenes of graphic nudity from Sissons and his weatherman)
7:45pm A BRIEF HISTORY OF SPROUTS - BBC4
BBC4 take us into the small hours with this mesmerising eight hour documentary film about Brussels Sprouts. From their inception in the 13th century right through to their comical love/hate appeal in the modern day, this captivating and eye opening televisual adventure about the tiny cabbages will have the entire family on the edge of their seats pissing blood out of shear fascination and wonderment. Did you know, for instance that a single stalk of the festive vegetable can hold as many as fifteen sprouts? Fuck me.
THE ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS MESSAGE - C4 - 3pm
SOME CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS
Buying a Christmas present for Mum is always a fucking ball ache we could do without. The old bag doesn't have any hobbies or interests so it's usually a quick trip to The Bodyshop to buy her a shitty scented candle and some mango-scented bum-scrub. Blow her socks off this year by getting her the new SOUP-ASAURAUS-REX, a six foot ceramic model of nature's most fearsome cretaceous carnivore that can hold up to two regular sized cans of soup.
No room in the kitchen cabinets? Not a problem with Soup-asaurus-Rex. Simply slot a couple of tins into the tiny porcelain forearms of the extinct reptile and it's job done. Mum won't know how she ever lived without this cumbersome kitchen thunder lizard.
order number - 7634584738957
£90.00 (Coming Soon: Beans-ceratops and Stegasaurus-Peas)
THE ABU GHRAIB SLUG TERRARIUM
How many times have you looked around your front room only to realise that it doesn't feature a small-scale replica of Baghdad's infamous torture prison populated by slugs? Well worry no more with THE ABU GHRAIB SLUG TERRARIUM, an insect tank designed to hold up to 200 garden molluscs and painstakingly modelled to look identical to Saddam Hussein's Iraqi punishment dungeon.
FORGET ABOUT FISH TANKS! FORGET ABOUT THE TV! This exciting addition to your home will have the entire family gathered around the Perspex penitentiary watching with fascination as nature's slowest creepy-crawlies recreate exactly what it might look like if the Middles East's most terrifying penal colony was ever exclusively occupied by shell-less terrestrial gastropods.
There's no denying that slugs hold a dear place in all of our hearts, so make Christmas extra special this year with a gift that the entire family will enjoy for years to come.
order number - 6767456
£998.90 (Comes with 2 free slugs)
THE BEST OF DOGS WITH THEIR EARS PIERCED CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2013 DVD (IN HD)
Christmas telly is getting worse every year (last year none of the channels showed Jurassic Park or Beethoven) and, subsequently, in this age of Smart TVs and internet accessibility, the family viewing experience seems to be dwindling before our very eyes.
It's time to reclaim the the wonderful gift of familial joviality with THE BEST OF DOGS WITH THEIR EARS PIERCED 2013 DVD HD. Gather round and enjoy this 14 hour box-set featuring hundreds of dogs sitting motionless and staring at the camera with their ears pierced whilst adorned in a veritable medley of ear jewellery that will set your heart on fire. Shcnausers in studs, Poodles in hoops and Border Collies in those sort of clip on ones you get, they're on on show and backed by a soundtrack of Festive classics that'll make Christmas Day fly by in a magical haze of canine, aural bliss.
order number - 676
£12 (Rated 18 - (Scenes that some viewers might find shockingly inappropriate)
THE MARTIN CLUNES NATIVITY COLLECTOR'S PLATE
Celebrate the birth of Christ the way he would have wanted with this magnificent collectible plate featuring a re-imagining of that magical night in Bethlehem as seen through the eyes of Martin Clunes.
This 100% china (polyester) plate will deliver hours of festive cheer as the entire family gathers around the mantle piece in awe to witness what the birth of our lord and saviour might have looked like if the entire cast of the nativity were played by the jug eared star of Men Behaving Badly.
Don't risk ruining your Christmas and order this yuletide memento TODAY!
order number - 45345
THE COLIN HONG IMMORTALITY CACTUS
Do you and your family want to live forever? Well now you can with the The Colin Hong Immortality Cactus. Cultivated in a remote part of Sri Lanka, this spiny houseplant will keep you and your family alive for the rest of time providing that you remain within a 100 metre radius of the 'infinity field' which it emits from its 'special needles' 24 hours a day.
No one likes dying so snap up this horticultural coffin dodging phenomenon NOW!
It's green fingers or blue fingers - YOU DEDICE!
*YULETIDE OFFER - If you're not completely immortal within 30 days then we'll give you ALMOST half your money back.
order number - 3423543456
*Offer ends December 12th. May not work on dogs, the terminally ill,the elderly, Miley Cyrus and Firefighters
ALL ABOARD THE GARLIC BUS!
THINGS! We've all got too many of them, cluttering up our bungalows like a bunch of three dimensional arseholes. This year why not give someone you love the experience of a lifetime by sending them around the British Isles on the country's 'second favourite' garlic-themed coach service?
They'll visit Didcot, Chichester and Macclesfield on this two week adventure whilst being surrounded by crates and boxes containing hundreds of bulbs of garlic, the onion's pungent cousin.
The trip also includes a daily quiz about Italy's premier bread embellishment as well as an ironic trip to the Northhampton Vampire Museum.
If you know someone who loves garlic as much as they enjoy long coach journeys on Britain's exciting motorway system then they'll be over the moon with this thrilling two week vacation.
order number - 0879
£2990 (all inclusive)
DAVIDSON'S RACIST SCISSORS
Cutting things with scissors can be very tedious. It's the same old sound we've heard time and time again. 'Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip'. Change the bloody record why don't you?
Not a problem with Davidson's Racist Scissors, the hand operated shearing implement that delivers various cries of racial hatred with every incision.
No ethnicity is safe from the mindless ignorance spouted out by these lightweight alloy bastards, available in a range of colours and varying degrees of right wing political small-mindedness from 'slightly ill-informed' to our brand new 'Waffen SS' range which will fill your room with terrifying howls of discrimination with very "snip".
order number - 08666