THE
2017
ELECTION
FACT SHEET


NAME : TIM FARRON
PARTY: LIBERAL DEMORCRAT
  • Tim Farron was born in Preston, Lancashire in 1970.
  • He was abandoned by his parents and left in a basket outside the Pork Farms sausage roll factory where he was discovered by the staff who decided to keep him as a pet. They nicknamed him 'Pantysniffin' Jim'
  • 'Sniffin' Jim' grew up in the factory, chained to a wall in a rudimentary kennel and spent his days assisting his family/captors roll up the scotch eggs and batter the pigs to death with a mallet.
  • At 18 he left the factory and headed to Leeds Polytechnic to study Product Design. He arrived halfway through the term covered in sausage meat and, having not applied to join the the university, was escorted off the campus and beaten up by a couple of renegade security officers behind the bins.
  • Tim spent the next few years living rough, up and down the country, a period of his life which he describes as "one of the best times I can remember, halcyon days". 
  • In 1983 Tim married his own hands but divorced them after just 3 months, sueing them for everything that they owned. (When you watch him on TV you'll notice that you never see him talking to his own hands).
  • Tim's first job was as a hospital courier, carrying blood and organs to hospitals on the back of his Lambretta GT 200. He was fired from his job after it became apparent that he was feasting on the organs and showering in the bags of blood. He was given a slap on the wrist and 50 hours community service.
  • Tim's relationship with his hands further deteriorated and during one heated argument he drove his left hand into the whirring blades of a lawnmower. He constructed his new left hand out of salt. The sodium chloride prosthetic needs replacing on a daily basis.
  • Tim and his wife have a dog called 'The Watercolour Lesbian' which can talk in Gaelic. 
  • Farron claims to be 'egg blind' which means he can't see eggs. Doctors remain sceptical but tests are ongoing.

NAME : PAUL NUTTALL
PARTY: UKIP
(all facts taken from Nuttall's personal website and uncorroborated) 
  • Nuttall was born inside the belly of a horse. Whilst still inside the beast his twin brother attacked him with a butterfly knife. He used Kung Fu to defeat his evil sibling and escape from his equine prison.
  • As a child Nuttall claims that he could chew cud like a cow and turn it into Sunny Delight in his extra stomach. He'd express the juice out of a small plastic tap in his belly button which he claims he was born with but fell out a few years ago.
  • Paul Nuttall is the greatest juggler in the world and once juggled 3 Renault Twingos using strength that he channeled from a nearby bear sanctuary.
  • If Paul Nuttall closes his eyes and squeezes really hard he can make stars and planets rotate in the opposite direction.
  • When Nuttall was 18 he bought his first flat in Liverpool off ex Manchester United defender, Gary Pallister. On his first night in the flat he prised up the floorboards and found the mummified remains of the Ancient Egyptian architect and polymath, Imhotep. Nuttall booted the priceless relic into the sea and told it to "fuck off back to Sandy-Sphinxy-Pyramid-Land"
  • Nuttall was the first person in the UK to have full, unprotected sex with a Sega Game Gear.
  • Paul Nuttall can completely re-tile a roof in 15 seconds flat. No matter how big the roof is, 15 fucking seconds.
  • Robots from the future regularly climb out of his wife's vagina hell bent on destroying the planet and Paul has to defeat them with his specially modified nail gun.
  • Paul once hit a cricket ball so hard it went into space and hit a satellite and it made MTV go off the air for 2 days.
NAME : THERESA MAY
PARTY: TORY
  • Theresa May was born in 1587 in Hungary. She is the first daughter of  Countess Elizabeth Bathory, the noblewoman recognised as the most prolific serial killer of all time
  • As a child May would spend her time wandering around the village eating stray dogs and scratching satanic runes and glyphs into her legs and forearms.
  • May's blood is completely translucent and carbonated like Coca Cola Tab Clear. If you cut her the watery liquid will actually evaporate from the wound like a boiling kettle and creates a dense fog-like mist which has been known to blind people trapped in the same room.
  • Theresa May is famous for wearing shoes, much like almost everyone else on the entire planet.
  • When Theresa May goes to sleep she grows a thick layer of moss all over her body which has to be scraped off every morning by a civil servant known as a 'Moss Mouse' employed at the tax payer's expense.
  • May's fingernails are only a figment of her imagination so if she ever stops thinking about them then they disappear .
  • In 1976 she took a year out and went to Africa where she attempted to kill every single animal on the continent. She killed thousands of animals but luckily only made the Gambian Pygmy Hippopotamus and the Somalian Saltwater Alligator extinct.
  • May is dyslexic. When she read the Bible she thought that the bits that encouraged the respect and well-being of animals actually stated that animals are all fucking vermin and should be ripped to apart.
  • Theresa May is actually a horrible cunt
  • Theresa May's husband has a tattoo of Paul Rudd's character in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' on his back.
  • May has a deep hatred for almost everyone. No one knows why
NAME : JEREMY CORBYN
PARTY: LABOUR
  • Jeremy Corbyn grew in a vegetable patch. For the first 5 years of his life his only friends were carrots, turnips, runner beans and a rhubarb plant called Ivan Pocket.
  • In his spare time Corbyn wanders the streets scooping spoonfuls of Dolmio onto dog's heads and running away. It makes him laugh like a drain. He's been arrested over 65 times
  • Corbyn and Diane Abbot's 1976 homemade porno, 'Bigger Ben' is the only X rated feature to outsell Paris Hilton's 'One Night in Paris' and the only grumble film to be stocked by Blockbuster Video.
  • Corbyn can remove his beard and throw it at criminals and it will engulf them like a sort of net until the police arrive and arrest everyone involved.
  • Jeremy Corbyn collects jumpers. He has 3. One is made Lego
NAME : CAROLINE LUCAS/JONATHON BARTLEY
PARTY: GREEN PARTY

  • Caroline Lucas can't see through glass. To her its basically like trying to look through an elk or a sofa or some such shit.
  • Jonathon Bartley quotes lines from Family Gut whenever he says anything to anyone and all his friends want to punch him in the tits.
NAME : NICOLA STURGEON
PARTY: SNP

  • Born with Japanese legs
  • No pet owls

THE 
MANIFESTO
2017
GENERAL ELECTION

Contents:
-FOREWORD
by Gus The Fox, FOXUK Leader
-INTRODUCTION
-OUR VISION
-THE ECONOMY
-SCOTLAND
-ISIS & TERRORISM
-SCHOOLS
-TWINS
-NHS
-POLICE
-A PIE CHART
-OTHER POLICIES

FOREWORD
Welcome to Britain, 2017. It’s a fucking shit hole and I know many of you agree. Times have never been so hard for humans and animals alike and in an era where every single party is preaching the same old horse shit, there’s never been a better time to waste your vote on a cartoon fox…with learning difficulties.
With all this talk about Europe and immigration it feels like no one is tackling the real issues.
The shrinking economy has resulted in less waste which, in turn, means that it’s almost pointless to waste time scavenging in bins. The other day my mate Geoff Lester was so hungry that he ate his own hands…which was actually quite funny.
Badgers are no longer safe to walk the streets without the risk of being murdered by the government and there are far too many migratory birds coming over here and stealing our worms. I dream of a Britain where it’s good British…worms…for…good British…birds.
The housing crisis is at an all time low and even though tramps can be quite funny - the other day I saw one pissing into his own face for a bet- they can also be a nuisance. I met a tramp the other day whose trainers smelled so bad that they made my eyes catch fire and I fell into the canal, much to the amusement of about seven ducks.
The comedian, Russell Brand, tells us not to vote, well I don’t agree. Why waste your vote when it would actually be a lot funnier to vote for me. The sad truth is, I probably wouldn’t do a much worse job than Darth May and her Sultans of Satan.
This June why not say “FOX THE UK!” and make your voice heard. It’s time for change. It’s time to vote ginger. It’s time for FOX UK. 
GUS THE FOX, PARTY LEADER 

INTRODUCTION
I should probably start by being completely honest with you. I don’t really know what a politics is. Until recently I thought that it was a type of eel. I once saw an eel wearing sunglasses so I punched him in stomach so hard that his head went all weird and looked like a massive shattered egg, but I suppose that’s irrelevant. To start with I decided to go into politics because I liked the idea of having several houses with moats and the idea of getting up to all sorts of bonkers shenanigans with prostitutes really appealed to me as well, but after I started looking into it, I realised that maybe I could actually make a difference. Not a very good difference I grant you because I’ve never written a manifesto before and most of it will only be beneficial to animals who eat out of bins. But, when you consider the fact that we’re declining into a terrifying situation whereby the far right - who previously only appealed to fat cunts without necks - are now gaining more and more power, perhaps being a feral animal is no longer a hindrance in the world of politics. After all, nobody seems concerned that Nigel Farage looks like - and possibly is - a trout, so I don’t see why being a fox should really be a fucking problem at this juncture.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually done some research into how to write a manifesto and I’ve realised that almost all of them are fucking boring. So boring that you’d have more fun spending an evening with this crow I know called Dale Tuppence, and he’s so boring that once he talked to my mate Double Denim David for so long about the type of cardboard that Kellogg’s use to make their cereal packets that Dave actually ate his own tail and then had a seizure and now he thinks he can smell colours and sometimes when he sneezes he lays a weird sort of transparent egg that’s full of mince.
Anyway, these manifestos seem to waffle on, repeating the same old thing over and over again whilst intermittently backbiting at their rivals like the tit for tat bullshit usually reserved for washing powder commercials.
You only have to look at the animal kingdom to realise that you lot have it all wrong. You can’t make rules and legislation that will apply to everyone. Why are we all trying to grow into one giant ‘global village’ or ‘big society’. No one gives a single shit about what’s going on on the other side of the fence. No one wants to help each other out and until we all learn to fend for ourselves the world will undoubtedly remain in a state of dissatisfaction and unrest.
We can’t help everyone all of the time, you need to realise that despite what you may think, you humans haven’t evolved so much that the laws of the jungle no longer apply. You are territorial, aggressive and selfish and the only way we are ever going to build a successful political system is to do so with that in mind. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t embrace multicultural ideals and world views. My mate Dennis Bannister is a fox and he married a frog called Brenda Plumb and they were blissfully happy until last year’s cold snap when he went a bit mental and ate her.
With that mind, the ideas mapped out in the FOXUK policy are simple. Simple policies by a simple fox. That’s what this is all about. Since I’ve embarked on the campaign trail I’ve met a lot of interesting people (mainly wasps and moths) and they have, without exception, been very confused about why, in 2017, they still don’t possess the right to vote, and I for one think it’s about time that that changed. Sure they might be borderline simpletons who are only interested in finding the nearest bright light, but the entire cast of 'Made in Chelsea’ is eligible to vote and I for one think that’s disgusting.
I’ve met a lot of swans on the campaign trail who are confused as to why issues close to them seem to be ignored by the major political parties. To be fair most of them only care about bobbing about in canals and sucking up algae but last week I saw Piers Morgan doing exactly the same thing and his voice doesn’t seem to go unheard. It’s a fucking disgrace.
A lot of politicians seem to be more concerned about keeping their skeletons in the closet when they should be concentrating on doing their jobs and for that reason I have decided to give you full disclosure on my indiscretions in the hope that it will go some way to reinforce your trust in me as both a leader and a fox.
With that in mind, here is a list of some of the bad things I’ve done
-I murdered my own gran in a fight over a packet of biscuits
-I once ‘filled a duck up’ with snails (and it died)
-When my mate Sexy Chris is asleep I sometimes gently whisper the word ‘Arsebasket’ into his ear for several hours on end. Sometime he wakes up in tears.
-I once threw rice at a dog even though it wasn’t getting married
-I bummed a chaffinch and it went inside out and you could still see it’s heart beating and everyone was sick/ committed suicide
-I’ve never payed any tax (mainly because I’m a fox and it’s not required of me)
-I was once raped by Ant and Dec in a tunnel (but that’s obviously not my fault)
-I don’t like coots
-Sometimes I dream of destroying the Earth with a gigantic nuclear device
-I have a fetish for moss. I sort of fancy moss.
-I don’t believe in otters
-Sometimes I fantasise about glueing loads of sausages onto a badger
-Last year I fingered a cat behind Gregg's The Baker. I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.
…So now you know. I hope these indiscretions don’t deter you and my honesty only goes to strengthen your trust in me and the FOXUK party as a whole.
(I am trying to deal with some of my issues regarding coots but, to be fair, they are a bunch of filthy fucking racists)
Anyway, it’s your choice
Trust the FOXUK Party and together we can see what happens.

OUR VISION
Some will tell you that voting for a fox is a luxury in times of economic hardship. Wrong! Think about what you’re saying. Voting for a fox is bonkers but if you’re ever going to get out of this mess and create a sustainable and fair economy then I’m afraid you’re going to have to do something really stupid that’s perhaps slightly less drastic than an apocalypse.
Our vision is of a fair society based on compassion to animals, which, in turn might make you re-evaluate how you deal with each other, working with nature rather than against it. I’m talking a step in the direction of vegetarianism rather than treating animals like biological machines. If you saw how many bollocks and eyelids were in the meals you eat every day you wouldn’t eat meat ever again, even for a bet. 
We’re not talking a full scale overhaul, we’re talking about baby steps in the right direction. More meat free options won’t just benefit the world morally but will also benefit the sustainability of the planet’s resources. The amount of fucking rainforest we chop down every day just to compensate for livestock is very rapidly turning our planet into a bovine fart hotbox and in about 100 years, when you’re all naked and living in caves and fighting each other with sticks over the last glass of water you’ll wish you hadn't kept munching away on burgers in McDonalds like a bunch of pasty-skinned ball bags.
I could go on to talk about the problems with raping the seas and hunting for sport but you’re probably not that bothered. Everyone is only interested in their own agenda. Well I’m happy to address that as well…


THE ECONOMY
Here’s what we’ll do about that.
As we have no important people in business funding us or twisting our arms on anything at all then we would ACTUALLY tie up all these loopholes that allow rich cunts to avoid paying tax. Very simple. If banks and Google and that paid what they should then we’d have so much money to pay our nurses that they’d all being absolutely minted and then they’d start to get complacent and then they’d start doing an even worse job than they already do and we’d have to re-evaluate the entire system. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Point is, there would actually be too much money and we’d actually have to spend it on stupid shit like getting a gigantic gold statue of Keith Chegwin in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria and stuff like that. We’d actually have too much money and it would be annoying. We’d be able to start a company that just went around putting fake eyelashes on ducks and it wouldn’t make any difference to the amount of money we have in the National Bank. It would actually be annoying having so much money.
Also, and I don’t suppose this is relevant, I’d like to see more famous animals printed on bank notes. The current £5 note has a picture of Elizabeth Fry on it and no one even knows who the fuck she is. What about Bungle from Rainbow? Or maybe LaLa from the Teletubbies. Were they animals? Were they a sort of bear? Who knows. Who the fuck even cares?
No benefits for anyone. This probably won’t be a very popular one for the floating voters but I can’t think of a single job that someone can’t do. If your legs are all knackered then sit behind a desk and lick envelopes, if you’ve got mental health problems then why not become an estate agent? Come on Britain, it’s time to knuckle the fuck down.

SCOTLAND
Oh no! How ever will we get by without being party to the thriving Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bar and haggis industry? Give a fuck.

ISIS & TERRORISM
Seems a bit weird that when we foxes get our heads chopped off you stick them in the local pub but when the shoe’s on the other foot everyone starts shitting their pants. Anyway, here’s what we do about things like ISIS…
Just chill out a bit. Try not to go there if possible but it’s a fucking shit hole and if any trouble comes our way then we should be very fortunate we live on an island. If the worst comes to the worst we’ll all just go to the coast with some knives and big bits of wood and ward off any imminent danger.
When it comes to homeland security we propose to make the laws regarding human rights slightly more lenient. Some of the ideas I’ve got might seem a bit barbaric but if you’re going to act like a twat then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. Everyone says torture is unacceptable but I think you’d be surprised what the human body can endure. There’s a man who lives near me on the canal who’s always dressed like a cowboy and he walks around all day drinking White Ace and I once saw him chop his own cock off with a small pair of scissors that came free with a Dora the Explorer Magazine and he was pissing himself throughout. I don’t think chopping a few fingers off is anything to get too worried about.

SCHOOLS
Schools have gone soft. When I was at school my brother Ian called the teacher a fat dickhead and he was killed right there in front of the class. I know foxes and humans can be a bit different but if some little wanker starts mouthing off and acting like they own then place then stick them in borstal for a bit. They’ll soon pipe down when they’re getting bummed every night by the bigger boys.
Free Martin Clunes shaped rubbers for all GCSE students. (1% of the country's taxes will be spent on this legislation.)
Abolish OFSTED. I’ve been speaking to teachers around the country and apparently ticking boxes and filling in forms instead of just teaching people is ruining the country. So we’ll just fuck it off. I’ll personally do spot checks on schools every so often to check they haven’t been turned into meth labs or child porn rings and we’ll save loads on lengthy, expensive and pointless OFSTED inspections.
Despite what my mate Sexy Chris says, owls will still not be allowed in British schools (unless they happen to live in the ceiling above the gym). Sexy Chris says that owls are wise and should be allowed to go to school so that they can “further their intelligence” but I reckon this is bollocks because I once saw Sexy Chris getting off with a hammer inside Gareth Southgate’s shed also when I asked him which is his favourite book by Charles Dickens he said “A Muppet Christmas Carol” so, No. Owls will not be allowed to join the children of Britain in school. 

TWINS
I suggest that we ban twins because I’m scared of them. It’s weird. Unless anyone has a problem with it then I suggest we have them all killed.

NHS
Keep it exactly the way it is apart from we’ll pay people more with the money we’ll collect from rich fuckers who don’t pay enough tax. Don’t let the fucking Tories ruin this. It’s too important.
We should also have a National Health service for foxes if you ask me. My testicles are are in a terrible state. One of them rolled into the canal last year and got gobbled up by an eel. I’m worried if we don’t do something about my bollocks soon then, as a nation, we might lose them forever.
I’ve been speaking to a lot of unemployed leeches recently who have been telling me that their families haven’t been able to find work in the healthcare industry for about 200 years. I say it’s time to give these guys their jobs back. I met a leech called Duncan Furnish who said that he didn’t know what cancer was but he was happy to have a fucking good go at it if only he was given the chance.

POLICE
The police shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with their police horses and police dogs. I don't know if this actually happens and if it’s an issue, but if it does - which a lot of people tell me it doesn’t - then I really want to clamp down on it.
Legalise most drugs apart from the really weird ones that make people go fucking bonkers and start eating people. You should only be able to get them from Boots.
You know those people in the Guinness Book of World Records who have really long finger nails and the thumb one sort of curls round into a big spiral? Well the police should still be encouraged not to have them because I assume it would get in the way of their day to day business.
More own clothes days. (Only for undercover police.)

A PIE CHART


TOURISM
Carry on as is. No one knows why anyone comes to this horrible, rainy little shit hole so let’s not rock the boat.

RELIGION
I reckon we should either start a new one based on wheelie bins or just fuck the whole thing off
No faith schools. Fairy tales have nothing to do with education
After the election religion will only be considered as a mental health issue and will fall under the remit of the NHS

OTHER POLICIES
A list of things we’ll also be doing as FOXUK
-Compulsory tattooing of bats
-A free carton of Um Bongo for everyone who paints a picture of me on the front of their house
-More Japanese people working in ‘Laser Quest’ if it still exists, which I’m fairly sure it doesn’t
-A full ban on fox hunting. Generally try and start killing animals less and less if at all possible.
-8 day week. 5 on, 3 off. We’ll sort the details out later
-Send all Canada Geese back to Canada. no one wants them here. Every time you try and have a chat with one it bites your fucking head off and starts honking like some sort of mental old car.
-Spitting in the street will be punishable by death
-More wasps
-Less wasps for those who dislike wasps

CONCLUSION
I just showed the manifesto to Martin Clunes and he said it's fucking rubbish.
In my defence though Martin Clunes did once shave my belly with a Gillette Mach 3 and then draw a picture of the Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street on there in crayons though so he’s hardy a fucking Mensa candidate is he?
I’ll sort it out. Put in your thoughts below. We can run the country like an actual democracy. Instead of saying things and then not following through with them, we’ll set up an online website where all legislation and laws get voted for each week and then, probably, gradually everything will be fine, unless it makes it worse, in which case we’ll all sit down and have a rethink in a few years. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that we are all incredibly unhappy and some of us might die…just like any other term in political leadership.


GRAND 
NATIONAL 
2017
FACT SHEET
DEFINITLY RED: 11/1
A horse well worth keeping an eye on. Born in a caravan and raised by a bunch of gypos this horse was trained by racing against motrobikes. Definitely Red won't be riding his motorbike today but he's still fairly speedy on foot. Worth a punt
PLEASANT COMPANY: 12/1
Not a particularly experienced runner but interesting nonetheless. Pleasant Company is rumoured to have been born with 2 hearts, one good and one evil. Ancient Myan scriptures predicted that on Saturday, 8 April 2017 the two hearts would collide in the beast's chest and cause a cataclysmic explosion that would destroy two thirds of the Milky Way. If that happens then it could be a photo finish to remember.
VIEUX LION ROUGE: 14/1
Despite being only 7 years old and going off at 66/1 in the 2016 National, Vieux Lion Rouge gave a very encouraging account of himself when he finished in 7th place. Since then, Vieux Lion Rouge has married long-time member of the Hollyoaks cast, Nick Pickard, and the couple are said to have recently given birth to their first child, an equine/homosapien manbeast that apparently died almost immediately. What that's done to his confidence will become clear on the day.
BLAKLION: 16/1
A runner that is definitely worth taking a second look at, Blaklion is the first clockwork horse to be entered into the National. Created by Swiss, Artisan, Watchmaker, Alois Jirásek, this horse will literally go like the clappers but is unlikely to be able to turn any corners due to not having a sentient brain. Experts predict the brass machine will career into the viewing stands killing many spectators.
MORE OF THAT: 16/1
A good runner and fast over hurdles but it's important to remember that this horse was instrumental in covering up Jimmy Saville's historic sexual abuses from the 1972 to 1993. Very much Saville's right hand horse, you'll have to let your moral compass guide you as to whether or not you want to back this piece of work
CAUSE OF CAUSES: 18/1
Was 8th in the 2015 National, skipped the 2016 renewal but is back for 2017. Every time this horse blinks 100 bees fly out of its mouth. Often a hindrance but occasionally an asset. If any of the other riders or horses are allergic to bee stings then today could be an absolute fucking bloodbath. 
ONE FOR ARTHUR: 18/1
Expect the odds on this fella to keep dropping if for no other reason than everybody even mildly related to somebody called Arthur will be backing him. This horse was used to mine coal in Ukraine for the first 7 years of its life and, according to experts, having lungs that look like an old pair of Dr Martens covered in Marmite isn't ideal for running one of the most gruelling races on the planet. We shall have to wait and see
THE LAST SAMURI: 20/1
In an interview with the 'Racing Post', rider Paddy O'Shaenessy has said that this year he has a trick up his sleeve, he'll be carrying a Czechoslovak 7.62 mm Universal Machine gun and gunning down any horse and jockey that gets in his way. Quite how that fits in with the rules we shall have to see with the adjudicators, but if he can avoid disqualification and jail then you've got to fancy his chances
THE YOUNG MASTER: 20/1
The only blind horse in the race. Never finished a race
UCELLO CONTI: 20/1
This horse can sometimes travel so fast that he goes back in time. If he can hold back a bit and avoid tearing a hole in the spacetime continuum then he might be in with a chance
VICENTE: 20/1
Trained by the band Aswad. If they'd spent the last 12 months training it to run instead of to sing and play bongo drums then it might have been in with a better chance.
ROGUE ANGEL: 22/1
The only ghost horse running. Rogue Angel used to belong to 18th Century highwayman, Roy Bundy. As long as everyone doesn't stop believing in ghost before the end of the race, this horse might just go the distance
SAPHIR DU RHEU: 22/1
this horse has spent the last 12 months in prison on drink driving chances and has been basically pumping iron in the gym. he looks like a sculpture of a cow built out of sausages. Will strength win out or will his un-aerodynamic body shape hold him back? We'll have to see
DOUBLE SHUFFLE: 33/1
This horse wears a little fez. Do with that information as you will

CLASSIFIEDS
21.02.17

FOR SALE

Gravestone:
Stone. Hardly any moss.
A good buy for someone called Fabian Leaford Hoddinott 
€300
375-508-321

Dentures
hardly used. 4 teeth missing (swallowed)
Smell of egg. Collection only
¢760
121-998-654

3 Seater Leather Chesterfield
5 years old. Tan retro design with beautifully carved frame and solid wood feet. Very good condition except for a few cat scratches but the cat has been killed in a reservoir.
£14000
222-777-393

Gibson SG Electric Guitar (Red)
Signed by either David Bowie, the recently departed singer songwriter regarded by critics and musicians as being one the most important and innovative pop stars of all time with a career spanning over 5 decades and over 140 million record sales internationally, or by a guy called David Brodie  who I think I went to school with and I may have sold me the guitar a few years ago if memory serves me correctly.
$60'000
665-666-642

King Size Hypnos Mattress
Very, Very heavy because it's absolutely soaked in piss after we tied Gary to my bed on his stag night and then forgot about him for 2 days.
Really very heavy. Also some blood. Ideal for someone who is looking for a mattress to take to a tip/ fly-tip in the woods
Collection only (You might need a crane, it's absolutely fucking sodden)
€23
 851-009-202

Grandads For Sale!!!
I found a cave full of grandads near Dartford in January. I thought I could look after them but I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
Some dead, most alive (between 79 and 96)
£12 each or 3 for £20
651-090-101

Low-Res JPEG of My Bathroom Taps
Taken when I had to email a photo of them to my plumber so that he could give me a quote on some work that I needed doing.
I don't need them anymore but I'm happy to either print them off or download them onto a memory stick
£25 printout / £45 dongle
320-000-622

Idea For An Invention
I've got a really good idea for a new invention. I can't tell you what it is on here obviously.
I would like to take it to the next level but I'm too busy scamming people on the internet.
Send the money and I'll send you all the paperwork.
$80'000 ono
111-111-121

Worms
Worms. Dead. 
Storred in condom.
Ideal for someone who enjoys dead worms in condoms
¢38
343-678-989

Jeffrey Dahmer Cuckoo Clock
Unwanted gift!!!
Cuckoo clock tribute to Milwaukee, necrophiliac canibal, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Adorned with dismembered figurines and photos from the case file recreated in die cast metal. Very upsetting every hour when a mutilated penis pops out and plays audio from Dahmer's Police Station confession.
A very misguided anniversary gift from my husband.
Any offer accepted
222-432-709

Watercolour Paintings
Of my dog's ball sack (red setter)
£90
222-033-984

A Song I Just Wrote
Title: The Peanut Song
Tune: Boopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdumBoopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdum Boopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdumBoopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdum
Words: None yet so you can really make this your own
Ideal for first time popstar or West End Musical composer.
£340'000
444-242-440



THE
OFFICIAL
PAUL 
NUTTALL
FACT SHEET
  • Paul survived the collapse of the World Trade Centre by building a small helicopter out of  desks and ceiling fans
  • Whenever Paul uses a watering can, blood comes out instead of water, even if it was filled up with water
  • If Paul eats mung beans he can levitate several inches off the ground for about 45 minutes
  • When he was a child, Paul dug a hole in his back garden that went to the centre of the earth, when he got there he found an 'inside-out-city' that was populated by ghosts
  • Paul survived the Chernobyl nuclear disaster by hiding in a knackered old fridge like Indiana Jones does in 'Kingdon of the Crystal Skull'
  • Paul used to be a peregrine falcon but he flew into an electric pylon and woke up as a man
  • At night, Paul grows roots out of his feet and collects moisture out of the bedsheets and carpet because his mum was a weeping willow
  • Paul once hit a golf ball so hard that it split the spacetime continuum and went back to the cretaceous period, hitting an Iguanadon in the face 
  • When Paul was trapped in the 2010 Copiapo mining accident in Chile he kept everyone's spirits up by juggling his own fingers. He had them reattached shortly after they were rescued
  • Paul wrote 'Too Shy' by Kajagoogoo
  • When he was in Tierra Del Fuego, Paul bought a pair of shoes off a gypsy that actually 'plant rainbows in the ground' when he walks over ice
  • When Paul was in the Crimean War, he made a sort of baseball mitt out of tree sap that enabled him to catch bullets out of the air
  • Paul Nuttall is Japanese for 'Emperor of Light'
  • Paul has 'hollow hand syndrome' which means he doesn't need a wallet and can keep his coins/keys/cakes in a pouch inside his palm
  • Paul was the lead actor in 'Jaws' but the camera angle made him look like Roy Scheider
  • If Paul touches his teeth in a certain order it opens up a vortex that acts as a gateway to a dimension where everything is the same except everyone is made of pasta
  • If Paul pushes really hard he can squeeze a tiny pair of wings out of his back
  • After Kurt Cobain died, Paul took over as lead singer/guitarist and they went on to release another two albums but no one remembers
  • After Paul built the Space Needle in Seattle, he had really bad blisters on his fingers. The blisters would talk to him at night and tell him the exact location of people who were in trouble in Bootle. Paul would then go out dressed as a wasp and rescue them

VALENTINES 
DAY:
HOW TO GET 
A LAST 
MINUTE
DATE
Much like New Year's Eve, Valentines Day is an absolute clusterfuck of misery if you're single and haven't fingered anyone for weeks and weeks on end. Everyone will keep asking you what you have lined up and when you tell them that you're just staying in on your own and firing off some knuckle children in front of Desperate Housewives, they'll look at you with pity and disgust, as if you've got cholera smeared all around your mouth.
But before you give up entirely and splatter your brains out all over your bungalow walls, remember, there is someone for everyone. It sounds like a cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea, especially in the sea, where are literally plenty of fish. 
You might have a face like a bag of dog tods dangling from a tree and a personality that glitters as brightly as a black hole, and it may very well feel like trying to find someone to love you is as pointless as flicking peas at a goose, but there's someone out there who's just as desperate as you, you just have to find each other.

Here are my top tips for finding yourself a last minute date.

1 - THE PRISON SYSTEM
It's easy to forget that people who are spending the rest of their lives in solitary confinement for raping, killing and eating stray dogs are often interested in pursuing relationships and a lot of prisons happily offer conjugal visits in an attempt to discourage inmates from resorting to palming one off and flinging it at the guards.

2 - ONLINE DATING
These days online dating has certainly lost its stigma and, as such, all the biggest dating sites are saturated and that's going to make it hard for someone like you, who looks like they live in a cave and drink their own bath water, to fool anyone decent into clicking the 'yes' button. The internet is certainly worth considering however. Sites like Gumtree and Craigslist are excellent because you don't need to set up a professional and reassuring profile, simply post up a picture of Zac Efron, copy and paste a biography off someone who isn't mental and you'll be having it away with your new partner / terrified victim in no time

3 - DOGGING
Nothing says Valentine's Day quite like having a man you've never met wank over your back in a van near the abandoned reservoir.

4 - THE EX
You don't get anywhere by giving up, just ask any determined gold medalist. If you can't find someone new to love you then perhaps it's time to spend Valentines with someone who once did. Here's how to play it...
  • Turn up at their new house with flowers and force our way in
  • Try and ignore their new husband/wife, keep smiling and avoiding eye contact with them whilst they shout at you to get the fuck out
  • Put some music on. If the children are crying then turn it up
  • Start cooking dinner and chat to your ex about times gone by (tell them you still remember what their nipples look like)
  • Open a bottle of wine whilst grabbing onto the sideboard as the policeman tries to remove you from the building.
  • Thank you ex for a lovely night as you're taken away in handcuffs
  • Spend the rest of the night in your cell sacrificing sperm to the God of Lonely Nights.
  • Plan your next date if/when you're released from the big house
5 - GO OUT WITH A HORSE
Spend a lovely and romantic night in a field with a horse. Sexy lingerie, wine, romantic music, the works. When it gets late though don't be tempted to go all the way with the horse because you will die.

6 - SEXBOT 5000
If you're lucky enough to own one of those creepy, life-sized sex dolls then perhaps it's time to take it out on a date. Dress it up nice, but it some chocolates and book a limo to take you out for a romantic meal for two. It would be wise to check with Pizza Express customer services that they're cool with this so as to avoid being removed/sectioned.

7 - CHAT ROULETTE
Turn down the lights, slap on a bit of Barry White and spend the evening looking at Ukrainian penises. 

8 - ASK A STRANGER
Wander the streets asking people if they'll marry you. This probably won't work but you could just happen to come across a complete fucking lunatic who doesn't even know what day of the week it is and then Bob's your uncle.

9 - ASK YOUR UNCLE BOB
...He seemed to take a shine to you when you were 7

10 - IF ALL ELSE FAILS
If all else fails then I've designed a range of Valentines Day cards that are basically like rohypnol in paper form when printed out.
Good luck with the dating and remember, most importantly, don't grass up old Gus when you get arrested.