20 ANIMALS
YOU DIDN'T 
KNOW 
EXISTED:
WITH 
GUS THE FOX

Red-lipped Batfish

Apparently this fish is found near the Galapagos Islands and chooses to walk instead of swim.
If I showed you this picture and then you told me that you weren't imagining this little fella giving you a blowjob then I think I'd have to accuse you of being a liar. 
It's got quite a stern expression and I can't help wondering if it's pissed off because it's evolved to look absolutely fucking ridiculous. In many way a lot like Kanye West

Goblin Shark
This looks like a cartoon of Margaret Thatcher that's come to life to give everyone nightmares, much like Theresa May. The other qualities it shares with Theresa May is that nobody hardly ever fucking sees it and it probably also looks ridiculous in leather trousers.
The fact that a monster like this exists at all is proof alone that there is surely no god, I suppose it would be unfair to say the same about the shark.

Panda Ant
This is actually the female of a type of Chilean wasp that has no wings and resembles an ant. It's venom can kill a cow.
Don't know anything more about it but it sort of reminds me of my mate Keith Rice. Keith was a badger I used to hang around with and one night, a few years ago, we found an empty swimming pool in the back garden of a house in Hackney. There was no water in it but for some reason the filter pump was still on, I convinced Keith that it would be funny to go and sit on it whilst I filmed it for 'You've Been Framed'. The filter sucked all of his guts and bones out of his bum and he died in seconds leaving behind a skeletal corpse that looked exactly like this ant. I sent in the video to 'You've Been Framed' and they sent me £300 but said that they probably wouldn't show the clip as it might upset people at tea time.

Penis Snake
I know life is precious and all that shit but I think I'd rather be dead than be a penis snake to be honest.
They were only rediscovered in 2011 whilst a dam was being built in Brazil.
Anyone who says that this doesn't look EXACTLY like a penis obviously hasn't ever had their own one put in an 'exploding Chinese finger trap'  by a very drunk Cwis Packham at 3am in the morning of Terry Nutkins' 63rd birthday party. Waking up after a party with a hangover is annoying, but waking up to discover that your penis looks like its just gone 10 rounds with Wladimir Kitschko and one of your bollocks has fallen into the canal and been gobbled up by an eel is quite another thing altogether.

Umbonia Spinosa
I once met Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. He bundled me into a flight case outside Brixton Academy and then gaffer-taped me onto his own head like I was the world's maddest hat and then proceeded to perform 2 hours of very average dance-funk in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers. As he span and gyrated around the stage, fear got the better of me and I began to lose control of my bladder, sending arcs of bodily fluid and liquid tod into the front row of the Academy, covering twenty or thirty wheelchair bound Jamiroquai fans in a thick layer of my wretched effluence. Quite funny in hindsight but at the time I remember being fucking furious. I'm not sure the performance received a glowing review either.

Lowland Streaked Tenrec
I'd have probably called this a 'Waspmouse' or a maybe even a 'Beerat'. 
Found in Madagascar this is the only mammal that makes a noise by rubbing its legs together like an insect. 
I'm not quite sure how species come to exist but I'd say, given the evidence, that this is definitely some sort of little hedgehog that's had it off with a hornet or something. I just tried to make one by putting a bumble bee up a hamster's arse. They both died. You've got to have the patience of a fucking saint to be a scientist haven't you?

Glaucus Atlanticus / Blue Dragon
This is actually a type of sea slug that's found in warm climates and can float using sacks of gas.
If the last animal was a cross between a bee and a mouse then fuck knows what this is. If I had to guess how it came to exist I would probably say that some lightning struck an I-Phone and one of their Pokemon Go monsters came to life. I'd have to run that theory past the poindexters at the Natural History Museum to see if, like this weird cunt, it has legs, but that's what I would imagine happened.

Mantis Shrimp
Bit too wacky for me this one. Looks like something a dickhead might buy and dangle from the rear view mirror of their Citroen Berlingo.
It looks like what would happen if God had a sort of Blue Peter competition where kids could send in their ideas for a new type of animal and the winner would get their one put into 'creation' and introduced into the sub-tropical waters of the South Pacific.
Anyway, whoever this guy is he looks like a cunt. He's the only animal I've ever seen in my life who would definitely wear a Homer Simpson tie to a wedding.
I reckon if this was some kind of wacky hat even 90% of the fucking plonkers who go to V Festival would give it a miss. 

Venezuelan Poodle Moth
I'm going to chalk this one down as 'fuckable'

The Pacu Fish
Well it's got human teeth so it's nightmare fodder in that respect. Possibly a cursed boy that got turned into a fish or something, I don't know. Reminds me of the time me and my mate Glum Roy spent the afternoon 'No-More-Nailsing' loads of sets of false teeth into all the local trouts and then watching as the fisherman hoiked them out of the canal and shit themselves. I remember one fisherman pulled a perch out the water that we'd made look like Rylan Clark and it freaked him out so much that he just slit his own throat with his Opinel pocket knife, gently slipped into the reeds and then we just watched as his body disappeared over a weir. That was a funny old Christmas.

Aye-Aye
Sometimes I feel like these scientists and wildlife biologists are so desperate to make a name for themselves, and pick up a gong from the Zoological Society. that they'll stop at nothing. This is clearly a bat that's had the living fuck beaten out of it with a hoover and then been given a daft name. 
I think some of these conservationists should be in psychiatric units rather than lauded in the world of ethnobiology I really do. 

The Maned Wolf
You wouldn't know this if you're human but this wolf is fit as arseholes. Sort of like a supermodel fox. I once got bummed by Peter Crouch in a tunnel on Halloween and if that harrowing experience could have possibly culminated in the bearing of offspring then I reckon this would have been the result. 
There aren't many animals that would look good in a leather jacket but this fucker certainly would. 10 on 10.

Patagonian Mara
Another abomination innit? You leave the Jack Russel at home with the Guinea Pig whilst you pop out to Aldi and one thing leads to another, 15 weeks later you've got this thing on your hands.

Naked Mole Rat
Don't know what the point is in this guy. You fuckers are going round shooting tigers and giraffes but no one is killing these guys. This guy looks exactly like what Boris Johnson would look like after an acid attack on Bromley High Street.
The only good use I can think of for these things is if you were to collect about 80 or 90 of them and squeeze them really tightly into Olly Murrs' Range Rover.

Irrawaddy Dolphin
The sort of dolphin that gets driven to school in a special minivan with pictures of cartoon rabbits on it.

The Geranuk
Well it looks like he's had his head photoshopped and the name sounds like the title of a slightly shit horror film. I can imagine if this guy walked into a Londis in Peckham on his hind legs then that might be quite funny. I can imagine the shop keeper crying and shouting and luzzing cans of tinned tuna at the cunt.  Short of that I don't think he really needs to exist.
It looks like someone has chopped his head off and then poured 'Miracle Grow' down his neck to help his head grow back and it's actually started to fucking work.

Star Nosed Mole
You very quietly wait for a mole to surface and then you stick a firecracker in its mouth, tie it up with an elastic band and watch as his head blows up like 'Scanners'. We've all done it, doesn't mean it's new type of animal. These guys are having a laugh.

 Cantor's Giant Soft Shelled Turtle
 Not sure what's going on here. Look at his face though. He's having the worst time since sliced bread. It looks like what happens when you sand down a terrapin with a Bosch PSM 19LI Cordless Orbital Sander which, for legal reasons, I will say I have never done.
Good luck to him though, he's a flat, ugly, shiny little cunt that no one really needs to know even exists but then again so is Michael Gove and he's just become the fucking Environment Secretary. 
This turtle looks like an elephant's arsehole that's had a coconut shoved up it by a mischievous simpleton, but if Michael Gove could even look half as charming as that then he'd be heading in the right direction.

Pink Fairy Armadillo











Don't know what this is or where it comes from. It looks a bit like a rabbit that's been carefully turned inside out, and I should know because I did that to a rabbit once and then I posted to Olly Murrs warning him that I'd start sending one inverted rabbit to his house every single day until he stopped being on TV.
I like how its back looks a bit like a tongue. I'd quite like to put this little guy in a cow's mouth and see what that looked like. I can imagine winning some sort of prize if I did that.
BUTTER

There's no doubt that butter plagiarism is one of the hottest topics in the country at the moment and with every low-budget, margarine peddler desperate to produce their own version of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' whilst simultaneously trying to avoid a lengthy court case, there's never been a better time to produce your own knock-off spread while the going's good.
'You'd think it's Butter', 'What, not butter' and the enchantingly named 'Memories of Butter' have already been snapped up by canny businessmen, guaranteed to make their millions out of the thriving bargain-basement, yellow-spread, industry, but if you want in on the action and are worried that all the best variations have already been snapped up then fear not because I'm selling the below options for a one payment of just £50.
That's right, you can walk away with any of the following buttery titles for just £50. The counterfeit dairy industry is like the Klondike gold rush of the 1890s and you'd be fucking mental to miss out.
Pick from the following titles...

  • I Don't Think That's Butter
  • Yellow Spread: In Memorium
  • I Think I Need to be Sectioned Because I'm Fucking Convinced That That's Butter
  • Evocation of Spread
  • That's Butter Isn't It?...What It's Not?...Jesus Christ
  • The Halcyon Days of Butter
  • What? That's not butter? Get the Fuck Out of My Kitchen
  • I Bet It Is Butter. It's Definitely Similar to Butter
  • Dreams of a Yellow Spread
  • I Thought It Was Butter and Now I've Found Out That It Isn't My Life Has Completely Collapsed, I Don't Know What's Real, My Wife's Left Me, I'm Actually This Close To Blowing My Own Brains Out.
  • I Can Actually Slightly Believe That's Not Butter Because It Tastes Dreadful
  • I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
  • I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
  • Do You Remember Butter? This Is A Bit Like That...A Bit
  • If Someone Told You This Was Butter You'd Probably Believe Them. At Best You Wouldn't Give A Shit Either Way
  • The History of Butter: Ad Nauseam
  • I Refused To Believe It Wasn't Butter, So I Went To The Factory And I'm Still Not Sure Because I Don't Know The Difference Between Butter and Margarine
  • Surely That's Butter, Surely That's Fucking Butter
  • Oh Dear, It Seems You've Been Labouring Under The Misapprehension That This is Butter
  • I Wish I Had Bought Butter Because This Yellow Shit From Aldi Is Giving Me The Squits
  • Butter Melancholy 
  • I Found Out This Wasn't Butter and Went Insane and Murdered A Bunch of Kids



Simply pick your number and send a cheque for £50 to 
Shed43, 
Behind Kwik Fit, 
Lovelace Street, 
Haggerston, 
N1 3JS
A BRIEF 
HISTORY 
OF
FLYING
ANT
DAY
🐜
THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR
No one can deny that Flying Ant Day is the Nation's favourite holiday. The festivities, the pitter patter of tiny feet, the food, the gifts, the itching and the stories of myth and legend make it the cherished National Holiday that supersedes all others and brings people together in a way that Christmas, Eid, Hanukkah and Diwali don't even come close to.

HOW DID IT START?
'Flying Ant Day' is the informal term for the day on which queen ants emerge from the nest to begin their nuptial flight. The holiday is thought to have started around 92 million years ago, somewhere between the Cretaceous and Miocene periods. Back then people wouldn't celebrate with cakes and sparklers like they do now because mammals, as we know them, wouldn't exist for another 40 million years. However fossilised remains of flying ants trapped in amber are often exchanged between friends and family on Flying Ant Day as a reminder that getting trapped in amber would be really annoying.

HOW THE VICTORIANS DID IT?
We've all seen the greetings cards. Beautiful watercolour images of children riding ants through the snow, receiving gifts from Father Termite Face and families sitting around the fire in the front room absolutely fucking covered in ants. It is of course the Victorians who gave us many of the 'Ant Carols' that we still sing to this day, some of the most popular include... 
  • 'Father Termite Face is Coming to Town'
  • 'Flying in my Face'
  • 'Rudolph the Red Ant'
  • 'I Wish it Could be Flying Ant Day Every Day'
  •  'Thick Black Swarm of Bastards'
  • 'Wings on the Pavement'
  • 'I Believe in Anty Claws'
  • 'Itching Around the Flying Ant Day Tree'
  • 'Antennas Got Me Itchin'
  • 'O Come, O Come You Itchy Swines'
  • 'Thorax Holocaust'
FATHER TERMITE FACE
The Legend of Father Termite Face is thought to have started around 400 years ago in the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia. When the ants come out, children have to cover themselves in honey and run through the revolting swarms. If any ants stick to them then they won't be given any presents and are told that Father Termite Face - a cross between a decomposing horse and a flying ant - will come to their room at night and kill them with his flick-knife  Flying Ant Day is a brutal and terrifying time for children.

MODERN TRADITIONS
In modern times flying ant day is a time for friends and family to gather and think about flying ants. People will often congregate in the garden and have a BBQ, swearing and cursing as the tedious fucking wankers flutter and bundle their way into all the food and everybody's faces until everyone's so angry that they just luzz all the food into the bin and go inside and order a fucking Chinese.
People will often get a 'Flying Ant Tree' which they decorate with all the wings of the dead flying ants and the wings which I think they must just nibble off their own backs or something which is mental.

MEMORABLE FLYING ANT DAYS THROUGH TIME
  • In 1967 the Queen stopped doing a speech on flying Ant Day after a man called Kevin Purpose broke into Buckingham Palace dressed as an ant and gave her a Chinese burn
  • Flying Ant Day was slightly overshadowed by the Blitz in 1941 with many of the ants feasting on the bodies of those trapped in the rubble which gave a dark edge to an otherwise joyous occasion.
  • The great summer of 1921 saw Flying Ant Day last for an entire week thanks to an anomaly in the weather conditions which interfered with the ants breeding process. The government declared the entire week a national holiday with people partying in the street, enjoying music and flapping ants out of their faces and getting very frustrated with the six-legged arseholes. No one went to work and the economy crumbled like an old biscuit, causing many businesses to go under. Around 43'000 people are thought to have committed suicide as a result.
  • In 1981 Flying Ant Day went the way of Comic Relief with a 24 hour live television experience. People bought ant hats and wings from petrol stations with all the money going towards some of the many Flying Ant charities. The bizarre TV  extravaganza was hosted by Lenny Henry and Angela Rippon who presented the entire thing from inside a termite mound in the Masai Mara Game Reserve, cutting back to a studio in London every few minutes to watch celebrities including Bruce Forsyth, Toyah, Keith Chegwin, Rusty Lee, Bananarama and Shep from Blue Peter dressed as ants dangling from ropes and squirting each other with water pistols. The show was a flop and allegedly only attracted 14 viewers.

THE
2017
ELECTION
FACT SHEET


NAME : TIM FARRON
PARTY: LIBERAL DEMORCRAT
  • Tim Farron was born in Preston, Lancashire in 1970.
  • He was abandoned by his parents and left in a basket outside the Pork Farms sausage roll factory where he was discovered by the staff who decided to keep him as a pet. They nicknamed him 'Pantysniffin' Jim'
  • 'Sniffin' Jim' grew up in the factory, chained to a wall in a rudimentary kennel and spent his days assisting his family/captors roll up the scotch eggs and batter the pigs to death with a mallet.
  • At 18 he left the factory and headed to Leeds Polytechnic to study Product Design. He arrived halfway through the term covered in sausage meat and, having not applied to join the the university, was escorted off the campus and beaten up by a couple of renegade security officers behind the bins.
  • Tim spent the next few years living rough, up and down the country, a period of his life which he describes as "one of the best times I can remember, halcyon days". 
  • In 1983 Tim married his own hands but divorced them after just 3 months, sueing them for everything that they owned. (When you watch him on TV you'll notice that you never see him talking to his own hands).
  • Tim's first job was as a hospital courier, carrying blood and organs to hospitals on the back of his Lambretta GT 200. He was fired from his job after it became apparent that he was feasting on the organs and showering in the bags of blood. He was given a slap on the wrist and 50 hours community service.
  • Tim's relationship with his hands further deteriorated and during one heated argument he drove his left hand into the whirring blades of a lawnmower. He constructed his new left hand out of salt. The sodium chloride prosthetic needs replacing on a daily basis.
  • Tim and his wife have a dog called 'The Watercolour Lesbian' which can talk in Gaelic. 
  • Farron claims to be 'egg blind' which means he can't see eggs. Doctors remain sceptical but tests are ongoing.

NAME : PAUL NUTTALL
PARTY: UKIP
(all facts taken from Nuttall's personal website and uncorroborated) 
  • Nuttall was born inside the belly of a horse. Whilst still inside the beast his twin brother attacked him with a butterfly knife. He used Kung Fu to defeat his evil sibling and escape from his equine prison.
  • As a child Nuttall claims that he could chew cud like a cow and turn it into Sunny Delight in his extra stomach. He'd express the juice out of a small plastic tap in his belly button which he claims he was born with but fell out a few years ago.
  • Paul Nuttall is the greatest juggler in the world and once juggled 3 Renault Twingos using strength that he channeled from a nearby bear sanctuary.
  • If Paul Nuttall closes his eyes and squeezes really hard he can make stars and planets rotate in the opposite direction.
  • When Nuttall was 18 he bought his first flat in Liverpool off ex Manchester United defender, Gary Pallister. On his first night in the flat he prised up the floorboards and found the mummified remains of the Ancient Egyptian architect and polymath, Imhotep. Nuttall booted the priceless relic into the sea and told it to "fuck off back to Sandy-Sphinxy-Pyramid-Land"
  • Nuttall was the first person in the UK to have full, unprotected sex with a Sega Game Gear.
  • Paul Nuttall can completely re-tile a roof in 15 seconds flat. No matter how big the roof is, 15 fucking seconds.
  • Robots from the future regularly climb out of his wife's vagina hell bent on destroying the planet and Paul has to defeat them with his specially modified nail gun.
  • Paul once hit a cricket ball so hard it went into space and hit a satellite and it made MTV go off the air for 2 days.
NAME : THERESA MAY
PARTY: TORY
  • Theresa May was born in 1587 in Hungary. She is the first daughter of  Countess Elizabeth Bathory, the noblewoman recognised as the most prolific serial killer of all time
  • As a child May would spend her time wandering around the village eating stray dogs and scratching satanic runes and glyphs into her legs and forearms.
  • May's blood is completely translucent and carbonated like Coca Cola Tab Clear. If you cut her the watery liquid will actually evaporate from the wound like a boiling kettle and creates a dense fog-like mist which has been known to blind people trapped in the same room.
  • Theresa May is famous for wearing shoes, much like almost everyone else on the entire planet.
  • When Theresa May goes to sleep she grows a thick layer of moss all over her body which has to be scraped off every morning by a civil servant known as a 'Moss Mouse' employed at the tax payer's expense.
  • May's fingernails are only a figment of her imagination so if she ever stops thinking about them then they disappear .
  • In 1976 she took a year out and went to Africa where she attempted to kill every single animal on the continent. She killed thousands of animals but luckily only made the Gambian Pygmy Hippopotamus and the Somalian Saltwater Alligator extinct.
  • May is dyslexic. When she read the Bible she thought that the bits that encouraged the respect and well-being of animals actually stated that animals are all fucking vermin and should be ripped to apart.
  • Theresa May is actually a horrible cunt
  • Theresa May's husband has a tattoo of Paul Rudd's character in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' on his back.
  • May has a deep hatred for almost everyone. No one knows why
NAME : JEREMY CORBYN
PARTY: LABOUR
  • Jeremy Corbyn grew in a vegetable patch. For the first 5 years of his life his only friends were carrots, turnips, runner beans and a rhubarb plant called Ivan Pocket.
  • In his spare time Corbyn wanders the streets scooping spoonfuls of Dolmio onto dog's heads and running away. It makes him laugh like a drain. He's been arrested over 65 times
  • Corbyn and Diane Abbot's 1976 homemade porno, 'Bigger Ben' is the only X rated feature to outsell Paris Hilton's 'One Night in Paris' and the only grumble film to be stocked by Blockbuster Video.
  • Corbyn can remove his beard and throw it at criminals and it will engulf them like a sort of net until the police arrive and arrest everyone involved.
  • Jeremy Corbyn collects jumpers. He has 3. One is made Lego
NAME : CAROLINE LUCAS/JONATHON BARTLEY
PARTY: GREEN PARTY

  • Caroline Lucas can't see through glass. To her its basically like trying to look through an elk or a sofa or some such shit.
  • Jonathon Bartley quotes lines from Family Gut whenever he says anything to anyone and all his friends want to punch him in the tits.
NAME : NICOLA STURGEON
PARTY: SNP

  • Born with Japanese legs
  • No pet owls

THE 
MANIFESTO
2017
GENERAL ELECTION

Contents:
-FOREWORD
by Gus The Fox, FOXUK Leader
-INTRODUCTION
-OUR VISION
-THE ECONOMY
-SCOTLAND
-ISIS & TERRORISM
-SCHOOLS
-TWINS
-NHS
-POLICE
-A PIE CHART
-OTHER POLICIES

FOREWORD
Welcome to Britain, 2017. It’s a fucking shit hole and I know many of you agree. Times have never been so hard for humans and animals alike and in an era where every single party is preaching the same old horse shit, there’s never been a better time to waste your vote on a cartoon fox…with learning difficulties.
With all this talk about Europe and immigration it feels like no one is tackling the real issues.
The shrinking economy has resulted in less waste which, in turn, means that it’s almost pointless to waste time scavenging in bins. The other day my mate Geoff Lester was so hungry that he ate his own hands…which was actually quite funny.
Badgers are no longer safe to walk the streets without the risk of being murdered by the government and there are far too many migratory birds coming over here and stealing our worms. I dream of a Britain where it’s good British…worms…for…good British…birds.
The housing crisis is at an all time low and even though tramps can be quite funny - the other day I saw one pissing into his own face for a bet- they can also be a nuisance. I met a tramp the other day whose trainers smelled so bad that they made my eyes catch fire and I fell into the canal, much to the amusement of about seven ducks.
The comedian, Russell Brand, tells us not to vote, well I don’t agree. Why waste your vote when it would actually be a lot funnier to vote for me. The sad truth is, I probably wouldn’t do a much worse job than Darth May and her Sultans of Satan.
This June why not say “FOX THE UK!” and make your voice heard. It’s time for change. It’s time to vote ginger. It’s time for FOX UK. 
GUS THE FOX, PARTY LEADER 

INTRODUCTION
I should probably start by being completely honest with you. I don’t really know what a politics is. Until recently I thought that it was a type of eel. I once saw an eel wearing sunglasses so I punched him in stomach so hard that his head went all weird and looked like a massive shattered egg, but I suppose that’s irrelevant. To start with I decided to go into politics because I liked the idea of having several houses with moats and the idea of getting up to all sorts of bonkers shenanigans with prostitutes really appealed to me as well, but after I started looking into it, I realised that maybe I could actually make a difference. Not a very good difference I grant you because I’ve never written a manifesto before and most of it will only be beneficial to animals who eat out of bins. But, when you consider the fact that we’re declining into a terrifying situation whereby the far right - who previously only appealed to fat cunts without necks - are now gaining more and more power, perhaps being a feral animal is no longer a hindrance in the world of politics. After all, nobody seems concerned that Nigel Farage looks like - and possibly is - a trout, so I don’t see why being a fox should really be a fucking problem at this juncture.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually done some research into how to write a manifesto and I’ve realised that almost all of them are fucking boring. So boring that you’d have more fun spending an evening with this crow I know called Dale Tuppence, and he’s so boring that once he talked to my mate Double Denim David for so long about the type of cardboard that Kellogg’s use to make their cereal packets that Dave actually ate his own tail and then had a seizure and now he thinks he can smell colours and sometimes when he sneezes he lays a weird sort of transparent egg that’s full of mince.
Anyway, these manifestos seem to waffle on, repeating the same old thing over and over again whilst intermittently backbiting at their rivals like the tit for tat bullshit usually reserved for washing powder commercials.
You only have to look at the animal kingdom to realise that you lot have it all wrong. You can’t make rules and legislation that will apply to everyone. Why are we all trying to grow into one giant ‘global village’ or ‘big society’. No one gives a single shit about what’s going on on the other side of the fence. No one wants to help each other out and until we all learn to fend for ourselves the world will undoubtedly remain in a state of dissatisfaction and unrest.
We can’t help everyone all of the time, you need to realise that despite what you may think, you humans haven’t evolved so much that the laws of the jungle no longer apply. You are territorial, aggressive and selfish and the only way we are ever going to build a successful political system is to do so with that in mind. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t embrace multicultural ideals and world views. My mate Dennis Bannister is a fox and he married a frog called Brenda Plumb and they were blissfully happy until last year’s cold snap when he went a bit mental and ate her.
With that mind, the ideas mapped out in the FOXUK policy are simple. Simple policies by a simple fox. That’s what this is all about. Since I’ve embarked on the campaign trail I’ve met a lot of interesting people (mainly wasps and moths) and they have, without exception, been very confused about why, in 2017, they still don’t possess the right to vote, and I for one think it’s about time that that changed. Sure they might be borderline simpletons who are only interested in finding the nearest bright light, but the entire cast of 'Made in Chelsea’ is eligible to vote and I for one think that’s disgusting.
I’ve met a lot of swans on the campaign trail who are confused as to why issues close to them seem to be ignored by the major political parties. To be fair most of them only care about bobbing about in canals and sucking up algae but last week I saw Piers Morgan doing exactly the same thing and his voice doesn’t seem to go unheard. It’s a fucking disgrace.
A lot of politicians seem to be more concerned about keeping their skeletons in the closet when they should be concentrating on doing their jobs and for that reason I have decided to give you full disclosure on my indiscretions in the hope that it will go some way to reinforce your trust in me as both a leader and a fox.
With that in mind, here is a list of some of the bad things I’ve done
-I murdered my own gran in a fight over a packet of biscuits
-I once ‘filled a duck up’ with snails (and it died)
-When my mate Sexy Chris is asleep I sometimes gently whisper the word ‘Arsebasket’ into his ear for several hours on end. Sometime he wakes up in tears.
-I once threw rice at a dog even though it wasn’t getting married
-I bummed a chaffinch and it went inside out and you could still see it’s heart beating and everyone was sick/ committed suicide
-I’ve never payed any tax (mainly because I’m a fox and it’s not required of me)
-I was once raped by Ant and Dec in a tunnel (but that’s obviously not my fault)
-I don’t like coots
-Sometimes I dream of destroying the Earth with a gigantic nuclear device
-I have a fetish for moss. I sort of fancy moss.
-I don’t believe in otters
-Sometimes I fantasise about glueing loads of sausages onto a badger
-Last year I fingered a cat behind Gregg's The Baker. I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.
…So now you know. I hope these indiscretions don’t deter you and my honesty only goes to strengthen your trust in me and the FOXUK party as a whole.
(I am trying to deal with some of my issues regarding coots but, to be fair, they are a bunch of filthy fucking racists)
Anyway, it’s your choice
Trust the FOXUK Party and together we can see what happens.

OUR VISION
Some will tell you that voting for a fox is a luxury in times of economic hardship. Wrong! Think about what you’re saying. Voting for a fox is bonkers but if you’re ever going to get out of this mess and create a sustainable and fair economy then I’m afraid you’re going to have to do something really stupid that’s perhaps slightly less drastic than an apocalypse.
Our vision is of a fair society based on compassion to animals, which, in turn might make you re-evaluate how you deal with each other, working with nature rather than against it. I’m talking a step in the direction of vegetarianism rather than treating animals like biological machines. If you saw how many bollocks and eyelids were in the meals you eat every day you wouldn’t eat meat ever again, even for a bet. 
We’re not talking a full scale overhaul, we’re talking about baby steps in the right direction. More meat free options won’t just benefit the world morally but will also benefit the sustainability of the planet’s resources. The amount of fucking rainforest we chop down every day just to compensate for livestock is very rapidly turning our planet into a bovine fart hotbox and in about 100 years, when you’re all naked and living in caves and fighting each other with sticks over the last glass of water you’ll wish you hadn't kept munching away on burgers in McDonalds like a bunch of pasty-skinned ball bags.
I could go on to talk about the problems with raping the seas and hunting for sport but you’re probably not that bothered. Everyone is only interested in their own agenda. Well I’m happy to address that as well…


THE ECONOMY
Here’s what we’ll do about that.
As we have no important people in business funding us or twisting our arms on anything at all then we would ACTUALLY tie up all these loopholes that allow rich cunts to avoid paying tax. Very simple. If banks and Google and that paid what they should then we’d have so much money to pay our nurses that they’d all being absolutely minted and then they’d start to get complacent and then they’d start doing an even worse job than they already do and we’d have to re-evaluate the entire system. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Point is, there would actually be too much money and we’d actually have to spend it on stupid shit like getting a gigantic gold statue of Keith Chegwin in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria and stuff like that. We’d actually have too much money and it would be annoying. We’d be able to start a company that just went around putting fake eyelashes on ducks and it wouldn’t make any difference to the amount of money we have in the National Bank. It would actually be annoying having so much money.
Also, and I don’t suppose this is relevant, I’d like to see more famous animals printed on bank notes. The current £5 note has a picture of Elizabeth Fry on it and no one even knows who the fuck she is. What about Bungle from Rainbow? Or maybe LaLa from the Teletubbies. Were they animals? Were they a sort of bear? Who knows. Who the fuck even cares?
No benefits for anyone. This probably won’t be a very popular one for the floating voters but I can’t think of a single job that someone can’t do. If your legs are all knackered then sit behind a desk and lick envelopes, if you’ve got mental health problems then why not become an estate agent? Come on Britain, it’s time to knuckle the fuck down.

SCOTLAND
Oh no! How ever will we get by without being party to the thriving Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bar and haggis industry? Give a fuck.

ISIS & TERRORISM
Seems a bit weird that when we foxes get our heads chopped off you stick them in the local pub but when the shoe’s on the other foot everyone starts shitting their pants. Anyway, here’s what we do about things like ISIS…
Just chill out a bit. Try not to go there if possible but it’s a fucking shit hole and if any trouble comes our way then we should be very fortunate we live on an island. If the worst comes to the worst we’ll all just go to the coast with some knives and big bits of wood and ward off any imminent danger.
When it comes to homeland security we propose to make the laws regarding human rights slightly more lenient. Some of the ideas I’ve got might seem a bit barbaric but if you’re going to act like a twat then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. Everyone says torture is unacceptable but I think you’d be surprised what the human body can endure. There’s a man who lives near me on the canal who’s always dressed like a cowboy and he walks around all day drinking White Ace and I once saw him chop his own cock off with a small pair of scissors that came free with a Dora the Explorer Magazine and he was pissing himself throughout. I don’t think chopping a few fingers off is anything to get too worried about.

SCHOOLS
Schools have gone soft. When I was at school my brother Ian called the teacher a fat dickhead and he was killed right there in front of the class. I know foxes and humans can be a bit different but if some little wanker starts mouthing off and acting like they own then place then stick them in borstal for a bit. They’ll soon pipe down when they’re getting bummed every night by the bigger boys.
Free Martin Clunes shaped rubbers for all GCSE students. (1% of the country's taxes will be spent on this legislation.)
Abolish OFSTED. I’ve been speaking to teachers around the country and apparently ticking boxes and filling in forms instead of just teaching people is ruining the country. So we’ll just fuck it off. I’ll personally do spot checks on schools every so often to check they haven’t been turned into meth labs or child porn rings and we’ll save loads on lengthy, expensive and pointless OFSTED inspections.
Despite what my mate Sexy Chris says, owls will still not be allowed in British schools (unless they happen to live in the ceiling above the gym). Sexy Chris says that owls are wise and should be allowed to go to school so that they can “further their intelligence” but I reckon this is bollocks because I once saw Sexy Chris getting off with a hammer inside Gareth Southgate’s shed also when I asked him which is his favourite book by Charles Dickens he said “A Muppet Christmas Carol” so, No. Owls will not be allowed to join the children of Britain in school. 

TWINS
I suggest that we ban twins because I’m scared of them. It’s weird. Unless anyone has a problem with it then I suggest we have them all killed.

NHS
Keep it exactly the way it is apart from we’ll pay people more with the money we’ll collect from rich fuckers who don’t pay enough tax. Don’t let the fucking Tories ruin this. It’s too important.
We should also have a National Health service for foxes if you ask me. My testicles are are in a terrible state. One of them rolled into the canal last year and got gobbled up by an eel. I’m worried if we don’t do something about my bollocks soon then, as a nation, we might lose them forever.
I’ve been speaking to a lot of unemployed leeches recently who have been telling me that their families haven’t been able to find work in the healthcare industry for about 200 years. I say it’s time to give these guys their jobs back. I met a leech called Duncan Furnish who said that he didn’t know what cancer was but he was happy to have a fucking good go at it if only he was given the chance.

POLICE
The police shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with their police horses and police dogs. I don't know if this actually happens and if it’s an issue, but if it does - which a lot of people tell me it doesn’t - then I really want to clamp down on it.
Legalise most drugs apart from the really weird ones that make people go fucking bonkers and start eating people. You should only be able to get them from Boots.
You know those people in the Guinness Book of World Records who have really long finger nails and the thumb one sort of curls round into a big spiral? Well the police should still be encouraged not to have them because I assume it would get in the way of their day to day business.
More own clothes days. (Only for undercover police.)

A PIE CHART


TOURISM
Carry on as is. No one knows why anyone comes to this horrible, rainy little shit hole so let’s not rock the boat.

RELIGION
I reckon we should either start a new one based on wheelie bins or just fuck the whole thing off
No faith schools. Fairy tales have nothing to do with education
After the election religion will only be considered as a mental health issue and will fall under the remit of the NHS

OTHER POLICIES
A list of things we’ll also be doing as FOXUK
-Compulsory tattooing of bats
-A free carton of Um Bongo for everyone who paints a picture of me on the front of their house
-More Japanese people working in ‘Laser Quest’ if it still exists, which I’m fairly sure it doesn’t
-A full ban on fox hunting. Generally try and start killing animals less and less if at all possible.
-8 day week. 5 on, 3 off. We’ll sort the details out later
-Send all Canada Geese back to Canada. no one wants them here. Every time you try and have a chat with one it bites your fucking head off and starts honking like some sort of mental old car.
-Spitting in the street will be punishable by death
-More wasps
-Less wasps for those who dislike wasps

CONCLUSION
I just showed the manifesto to Martin Clunes and he said it's fucking rubbish.
In my defence though Martin Clunes did once shave my belly with a Gillette Mach 3 and then draw a picture of the Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street on there in crayons though so he’s hardy a fucking Mensa candidate is he?
I’ll sort it out. Put in your thoughts below. We can run the country like an actual democracy. Instead of saying things and then not following through with them, we’ll set up an online website where all legislation and laws get voted for each week and then, probably, gradually everything will be fine, unless it makes it worse, in which case we’ll all sit down and have a rethink in a few years. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that we are all incredibly unhappy and some of us might die…just like any other term in political leadership.