Broadcaster David Attenborough last night sensationally claimed that he’s directly responsible for teaching parrots how to talk and considers it his crowning achievement. Addressing the room during a conference at the Natural History Museum, the 98 year old national treasure claimed that he came up with the idea of teaching birds to use language during a period of downtime between filming in 1954.

“We were in the jungle and the cameraman was pissing about with his tripod and this little cockatoo came and sat next to me on a log” he said. “I started chatting to it and it looked interested and seemed to be replying with a series of twits and tweets. I began showing it how to form sounds using its tongue, much like you would with a young child” he continued. “After an hour or two we’d moved on to the alphabet and by the end of the day the bloody thing was chatting away like an after dinner speaker”.

The Blue Planet presenter went on to explain that before he’d had the brainwave there was absolutely no record of avian life replicating human speech. “No one had ever thought of teaching a parrot how to talk but I’d seen them replicating other sounds in the jungle such as monkeys and that...so I thought it might be worth a crack”.
“I guess that little cockatoo went off and taught one of his mates and so on and so forth until it spread around the world and now it’s just one of those things we all take for granted” he added.
“Every time I see a parrot talking in a pirate film or saying the word fuck on Youtube or something I just can’t believe it. I just think back to that afternoon in the Amazon and think...I did that...I made that happen. It’s not every day that you change the behavioural pattern of an entire species”
Attenborough, who already appears on the list of 100 Greatest Britons and has over 20 species named after him (none of which are parrots) went on to explain how he was going to keep it to himself but decided it was an achievement he wasn’t willing to take to the grave. “I wasn’t going to say anything because I thought that people wouldn’t believe me but when I look back over my life I really do consider teaching parrots how to talk up there as one of the most important things I’ve done in my career”.
When asked to verify Attenborough’s claim, Mrs Bithiny Horsebasket who is currently the Head of Life Sciences at the museum said “If Sir David says it’s true then it’s true...even though the earliest reference to a talking bird comes from the 5th century BC and video footage of birds talking exists from long before he was born...he’s the boss what he says goes”


Police are investigating ex-England goalkeeper, David Seaman after a confusing performance at a live Q&A session which took place in a small theatre near his home town of Rotherham. 

‘An Evening with David Seaman’ was due to be an informal and lighthearted event where fans of the football star would be able to meet their hero, listen to anecdotes about his 23 year long career and ask him questions, but after a series of unprompted denials that he’d ever killed anyone, alarm bells started to ring  and the South Yorkshire Police force were informed.
“Me and the wife got tickets because we’re both massive Arsenal fans” said audience member Rilkie Balbatross. “It was a great evening until right at the end when we started asking questions” he continued. “I asked David a question about his first game for England in 1988 and he answered by saying that he’d never murdered anyone with a hammer and buried them in the woods on the outskirts of Chesterfield” said Balbatross. “Everyone just went silent and looked confused until the compere laughed awkwardly and moved on to another question” he continued.

The microphone was handed to audience member Ian Pin who asked a question about the camaraderie of the camp during England’s Euro 96 campaign but the same thing happened again when the football legend professed that he was Innocent of any violent crimes and definitely didn't have blood on his gloves. “It was really weird” said Pin. “I’d asked him something about Euro 96 and he just started talking about how he’d never gone on a killing spree and disposed of the bodies in the Humber Estuary off the back of his mate Gavin’s boat. I never said he had” continued Pin.

An uncomfortable atmosphere filled the small Civic Theatre as people started to leave. The questions about Seaman’s career continued as he batted them away with specific denials relating to bloodshed and homicide that he claimed were in no way linked to him.
Audience member Yarnold Pentecost said “it was getting really awkward so I tried to lighten the mood by asking a question about whether David had any regrets about rocking his famous tash and ponytail combo for so much of his career and he answered by claiming that in 1998 he hadn’t sealed the doors to a house in Doncaster and set it on fire”.
“He just started looking at his feet and mumbling that if he had done any of that stuff then he’d be in prison now and he didn’t know why everyone kept bringing it up” continued Pentecost. 

After about 45 minutes two officers arrived and removed the second most capped goalkeeper after Peter Shilton and took him away in handcuffs.
“It was a weird end to the evening. He’s obviously guilty as sin” said Mr Pentecost. “And we didn’t even get a refund” he continued. “That’s the last time I get tickets for the theatre” he joked.
At present Seaman remains in custody and the investigation continues.

Popstar Emma Bunton shocked fans yesterday when she announced that she’s worried that she might be transforming into a ballistic, Typhoon class, Soviet submarine.
The singer, formerly known as Baby Spice (43) relvealed the news by posting an emotional live video on her Facebook page claiming that she first noticed the transformation begin whilst on her reunion tour with the Spice Girls earlier this year.

“I realised something wasn’t right when I was backstage at the Etihad Stadium in Manchester getting changed into a new frock halfway through a show with the girls” said Bunton through a veil of tears.

“My tights snagged on something near the back of my leg and when I asked Geri Halliwell to check it out she said it looked like I was growing some sort of rudder” continued Bunton. 
“I didn’t think that much of it at the time because the show had to go on…and also I was earning onwards and upwards of 3 million quid a night to perform our terrible songs to a bunch of sad middle-aged women who now all work in HR”

The petite blonde mother of two went on to explain that by the end of the tour she’d developed a large propeller, a naval bridge and several turbine chambers designed to cool down a nuclear reactor. “It was becoming harder and harder to sqeeze into my stage gear” sobbed Bunton on the video, which has now been viewed over 12 million times on the social networking platform. “I thought it might just be stress” continued Bunton, “but even after I got home it just seemed to keep getting worse”

Bunton went on to describe how just in the last month she’s grown a radio control room, sonar device and even a small periscope. “I didn’t even know submarines still had periscopes” continued the blubbing Spice Girl as she choked back tears.
It was only when she realised that her skin was turning into a steel-titanium alloy like the pressure hull of a military grade submersibal that Bunton decided that enough was enough and made the step to phone her friend Jamie Theakston who came over to take a look.
“When Jamie came over and pointed out that I was now 175 metres in length and armed with over one hundred BGM-109 Tomahawk cruise missiles I knew that I had to go to the doctors”

 The singer, who released her first solo single in 12 years at the start of 2019, went on to say “it’s the sort of thing you hear about but just never think will happen to you”
Unfortunately doctors have been left scratching their heads after trying Bunton on a course of steroids and antibiotics and have now told the Spice Girl that she might actually find that she’s happier in the open waters off the coast of the British Isles rather than being cooped up in her luxurious house in Chipping Barnet.
When asked what her biggest fear for the future is, Bunton said that it would be seeing Jeremy Corbyn winning an election and ending up in Number 10. “I’ve always liked him as a politician and think he’s a decent man but just now I’m terrified that he’ll become Prime Minister and then scrap 'Trident' which would mean I’ll be decommissioned and laid up in Her Majesty’s Naval Base in Devonport with a fleet of other dreadnoughts waiting to be safely melted down for scrap over the next 50 years”
Bunton concluded the video by saying “I guess I just didn’t see it ending like this for me, you just never know what’s around the corner” before providing a link to a crowd funding website where she hopes to be able to raise enough money to source a cure for the delibitating condition.


Carol Vorderman has revealed this week that she has no idea how she got any of the solutions right during her tenure as the arithmetic co-host on Channel 4’s Countdown and guessed them every single time, possibly making her the jammiest person in human history . 
The buxom brainiac has revealed that she’s always struggled with mathematics to the point of being diagnosed with dyscalculia at school. “I’ve never been able to do maths” said Vorderman, “numbers just don’t make sense to me at all and they when I look at them they just dance around the paper and make me feel dizzy”.

The broadcaster went on to explain that her friend had encouraged her to go and try out for the job on Countdown for a bit of a laugh. “When I got there I was just expecting to wear a tight dress and flip over a few numbers, but when a particularly complicated equation popped up and stumped the contestants the crew turned to me to solve it, I panicked and wrote down some gibberish and somehow got it right”. Vorderman was given the gig but knew it was only a matter of time before she was rumbled. “I knew my luck wouldn’t last but at the time I just really needed the money”.

She made her debut television appearance in November 1982 in what was to be the first ever programme broadcast on Channel 4. “I only had to guess one on the first episode and unbelievably managed to get it right again” said Vorderman. “I couldn’t believe I’d got away with it for a second time. I was a bag of nerves because I was sure that humiliation was just around the corner”. To start with she says it was just one sleepless night after another but as weeks turned into months and months turned into years her luck just didn’t run out. “I used to be standing there praying that the contestants would get it right, but every time they didn’t I just seemed to be able to pull it out of the bag” she joked.

“None of my friends believed me when I told them that I was guessing all the solutions and randomly writing down numbers and symbols but when they tested me down the pub they quickly discovered that I clearly didn’t have a fucking clue how to solve even the simplest maths problem”.
Busty Carol went on to claim that after a while she started to believe that she must be some sort of god. “After a year on the show I had to speak to a therapist because I was convinced that I must be the reincarnation of Horus The ancient Egyptian god of mathematics. I couldn’t see any other explanation as to how I kept managing to pluck these algebraic solutions out of thin air time after time”.

The Loose Women presenter also joked that her bizarre luck with numbers didn’t seem to extend to any other area of her life. “I started to think that if I could do it on Countdown then maybe I’d be just as lucky when it came to the National Lottery but to this day I’ve never managed to get a single number right”.

Chesty Carol worked on the show for 26 years correctly guessing the solution to over 15’000 number-based head scratchers which the Bureau of Statistics claim gave her a one in 180 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion chance of success making her the jammiest person who’s ever lived.

Professor Brian Cox went onto Twitter and claimed that “to put these odds into context you’d have to take a ‘1’ followed by as many zeros as there grains of sand on Planet Earth.”
He continued “Occam’s razor is a principle in philosophy that assumes that the most likely explanation to a problem will usually be the answer and in my opinion it’s more probable that Carol is actually really good at maths but just doesn’t realise it.” 

 According to a recent poll, a terrifying 39% of the British electorate believe that a house can be haunted and a chilling 35% of the UK - who are all legally allowed to vote in UK elections - believe in ghosts, whilst a frightening 9% of people - who are trusted to have their say in a referendum - even go as far as to claim that they’ve communicated with the dead. 
We ask 5 celebrities about their paranormal encounters with the hope of finding out, once and for all, whether ghosts are real or not which they’re not because they’re obviously not.

1 - ANDY FORDHAM (Darts Player)
“I’m absolutely convinced that ghosts exist as I’ve personally been followed by some sort of malevolent poltergeist since I was about 30 (stone). Wherever I go in my house I hear the eerie sound of squeaking floorboards and often, after dinner, my wife will tell me that she can smell an acrid aroma reminiscent of sulphur, as though our house were built upon some kind of hell-mouth to the underworld. It gets weirder than that as well because wherever I live the bulbs inside my fridge burn out in no time at all leaving electricians baffled and giving me no other option than to assume that my kitchen is possessed by Zuul, The Gatekeeper of Gozer, who made his most famous appearance in the original Ghostbusters film. Me and the Mrs have tried moving house but the same thing happens wherever we go. Very spooky.”

 2 - DANNY DYER (Actor and geezer)
“I’ve been getting proper mugged off by a pillar and post every since I found out that I’m related to that slag Edward III and now that that spooky fucking melt has figured out that me and the Mrs have got a bit of bunce he’s been doing my swede in every night, floating around the place and giving it the big, I am. Everyone says I’ve gone completely radio  rental but I’ve seen the creepy little mug with my own mince pies. I wish I’d never gone on ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ because now I’m wasting my time bowling into the local church and trying to get the local rev to come over and stripe up the creepy little plum with holy water until he does one”

 3 - PETER SISSONS (Newsreader)
“Well I believe in ghosts because when I was a little boy me and my friend Kevin cycled up the road to the old abandoned psychiatric hospital in our village so that we could break in and give ourselves the willies. Whilst we were in there we met the ghost of Brian Belo, star of Big Brother season 8. It was terrifying but the whole thing’s made even more spooky when you consider that Brian Belo wasn’t even born until 35 years later and didn’t even appear on British Television until 2007 so how did I even know who he was? The entire thing sends a shiver down my spine and now my wife makes me speak to a special doctor about all of this”

4 - RACHEL RILEY (Presenter)
“Everyone who works on Countdown knows that ghosts exist because the studio’s been haunted by the ghost of Richard Whitely for the last 10 years. Quite often during filming he’ll put up sinister messages using the magnetic letters or scrawl satanic runes onto the whiteboard during the numbers round which makes editing the show 10 times harder than it needs to be. It’s not all harmless fun though. Nobody likes to be the last one to leave the studio because there’s always things flying around and bursting into flames. On more than one occasion production staff and contestants have ended up getting killed. I never knew Richard when he was alive but I can’t say I’m a fan”

5 - DAVID ATTENBOROUGH (Naturalist and Presenter)
“I’ve always wondered whether albino animals are actually ghosts. I’m told by zoologists and biologists that they categorically aren’t and it’s simply something to do with skin pigmentation but I’m still not sure, they certainly look a bit like ghosts to me”

Anyone who’s watched the news recently will already know that it won’t be long now until the UK is nothing more than a baron dystopian wasteland controlled entirely by gangs on dirt bikes with human skulls for helmets. Many of us are now expected to die in a nude knife fight over the last bottle of water in our village as the cruel sun beats down on our weather-beaten bodies! But will it be all that bad? We ask 5 celebs how they’d survive …

KIRSTY ALLSOPP (Television Presenter)
As soon as it all started going a bit ‘Mad Max’ I think I’d get in my Range Rover and drive up to Scotland and find a really remote cottage in the middle of nowhere so that I’d be as far away from danger as possible. Then I’d bust my way in and kill whoever lived there and bolt the doors shut behind me and wait for it all to blow over.

GEROGE MONBIOT (Writer and activist)
After spending my entire life campaigning and writing about environmentalism and climate change it would be a sad day indeed to wake up in a post-apocalyptic dust bowl having realised that it’s now too late. However, I’ve always said if you can’t beat them, join them. With that in mind, as soon as society begins to collapse and scavenging tribes of bandits take control over the wastelands of this once great country, I’ll be the first to tattoo my own face and join a motley crew of hooligans on quad bikes who’ll tour the arid landscape murdering and killing everyone and anything that stands in our way.

BORIS JOHNSON (Prime Minister)
As somebody who’s actively encouraging this country to descend into a terrifying no-mans-land, I’ll be fine because as PM I’ll have access to a secret bunker that’s hidden under a hillside in Kent. Once there I’ll be able to see out my days eating delicious tinned produce from Fortnum and Mason whilst I crack on with my hobby of painting buses on the side of milk crates. Sadly I won’t be able to bring my children with me as there’s only room down there for fifty people, so I’ll just take a couple of girlfriends who won’t be able to escape out of either of the 25-ton blast doors constructed from steel and reinforced concrete.

BEAR GRHYLLS  (Survival Expert)
I reckon I’d probably quite enjoy it if everything went tits up because then I could finally employ some of my survival tactics, such as drinking my own piss, without feeling like I’m completely wasting my life. I might encourage my wife and children to embark on a life-threatening swim across the ocean to one of the more remote Channel Islands where I could keep them warm and dry by covering them in my own excrement. We could eat insects and sheep’s eyes and drink my piss and I reckon we’d have the time of our lives.

DEBORAH MEADEN (Sour-faced businesswoman and TV dragon)

As an entrepreneur I’d be on the look out for how to make a quick buck from the inevitable downfall of Great Britain. Whether it’s food, ammunition or gigantic rusty thunder-domes used for gladiatorial motorbike jousting tournaments, I’d stockpile as much as I could and savagely undercut anyone like Peter Jones who had the same idea. I’d spend my days atop a rusty throne inside a fortified cave patrolled by barbaric cyberpunks just like I do now and life wouldn’t seem that much different.  
Nobody (with the exception of scientists) has the first clue what’s in the centre of this planet we all live on. Travelling to the core has long been the subject of science fiction stories but just what would that be like if it was possible which it definitely isn’t? We’ve asked some of Britain’s favourite celebs... 
1 - MONTY DON (Gardener’s World Presenter) 64
“Well I spend a lot of time in my vegetable patch fannying about with my trowel and I’ve noticed that the main thing I seem to come across is worms. I’ve also noticed that the deeper I dig, the larger the worms seem to get which makes me wonder whether there’s one giant earthworm in the centre on the Earth’s core. My wife thinks I’m mad but I spend a lot of time fantasising about this terrestrial leviathan writhing around. I’ve even taken to worshiping the beast and performing sacrificial rituals in its honour. I don’t know though, maybe I’m being a bit daft” 
2 - THOMAS SCHAFERNAKER (TV weatherman) 40
“As someone who occupies their time thinking about what’s going on above us rather than below I’ve never really given it much thought at all, but it stands to reason that there’s probably a race anaemic, subterranean rat people who live in a network of underground caves and have no idea that we live out here on the surface. Given that the temperature inside the Earth is the same as that on the surface of the sun they won’t have to worry about things like rain and drizzle, but when it comes to high pressure they’ll have their work cut out for them as it’ll be somewhere in the region of 360 gigapascals which makes the current pressure sweeping in on the Gulf Stream pale into insignificance” 
3 - JUSTIN WELBY (Archbishop of Canterbury) 63
“Well it’s certainly a hot potato and that’s why my answer is a hot potato. I once left a baked potato in the oven for three days in my Rectory and it was tough as old boots...but still edible. I sometimes think about all that molten magma down there and wonder whether it might be like God’s oven. Maybe he’s cooking a massive baked potato and when it’s ready he’ll insight the rapture and then dig it out and enjoy a well deserved snack. I’m not sure about the idea of it it being a place where demons live and prick at the damned with their pitchforks for eternity, for me that just seems a little far-fetched” 
According to scientists the Earth’s core is constructed from iron and nickel and lighter elements such as lead and uranium. Apparently conditions from the centre of the Earth have been constructed in a laboratory and the results, when viewed under a microscope, strongly suggest that these elements may have formed into giant crystals which run north 
to south which have been pumping out vast amounts of heat and radiation since the Earth was first created during the big bang.
However, I’ve noticed that when you water the garden the water disappears and doesn’t ever seem to come back out which makes me wonder whether the Earth is just full of water and could burst at any point like a giant water balloon. This idea frightens the life out of me and makes me wish that I had some kind of faith in an afterlife. 
I also stay up all night worrying that it’s probably full of skellington bones” 
5 - NADIA HUSSEIN (TV chef and Bake Off winner) 34
“Well if I was making a planet then I’d probably pipe it full of something like tomato and passionfruit jam or chocolate stout jelly. I reckon it’s nice and cool in the core of the Earth because it doesn’t get any sunlight so even if you used something like clotted cream I think it would possibly stay fresh for absolutely ages. That’s what I’d do if I was in charge but if you’re asking what I actually think is in centre of the Earth then I reckon it's just full of rocks and mud and that” 
6 - DAPPY (Former N-Dubz rapper) 32
“I’ve always been quite interested in the Hollow Earth theory, most notably suggested by astronomer Edmond Halley in the late 17th century, even though this concept has been reduced to pseudoscience over the last 300 years I still reckon there might be something in it. As a fan of the book ‘Journey to the Centre of the Earth’ by Jules Verne, I do think it would be amazing if the Earth’s core was a vast, volcanic, landscape inhabited by prehistoric beasts and giant insects. Even if that’s just the stuff of fiction I still reckon it’s likely that Earth is hollow because that would sort of explain how it floats in space. If it was full up then I reckon it would just fall out of the sky and smash on the ground somewhere like a massive egg” 

FOX NEWS:                     EAMONN HOLES

TV Presenter Eamonn Holmes yesterday announced that he would be stepping down from all of his broadcasting commitments, effective immediately, so that he can concentrate on a personal project that he’s started working on in his back garden...Digging a hole to the centre of the Earth.

The 59 year old Sky News Anchor has revealed that he’s already started work on his back yard abyss and reckons it should be open to the public by the end of the year.
Eamonn went on to explain that he intends to capitalise on this venture by opening up a small cafe next to the gaping void which he plans to turn into a tourist attraction. “Ruth and myself have just returned back from a holiday in the USA and they’ve got all sorts of interesting roadside attractions”. He went on to say “whilst we were in Wisconsin, we saw the World’s biggest ball of twine and it was shite...but they were raking it in”.

The host of This Morning says that the yawning chasm will pretty much back directly onto the A339 near Basingstoke and provide a much needed tourism hotspot for anyone travelling between Guildford and Reading on the M3.
The current record for the deepest manmade hole belongs to the Kola Superdeep Borehole in Northwest Russia which reaches a depth of 40,230ft (7.619 miles) but the Irish Talkradio host says that his gorge will blow that out of the water.

“I can’t say I’m particularly impressed by any of these Russian research boreholes. The deepest one doesn’t even get halfway through the Earth’s crust and it’s only 9 inches in diameter”
“Mine’s already loads wider than that and it’s pretty deep as well. If you fell into it you could really do yourself a mischief and I’ve only been at it for a week”.

When asked what he’d do when he hits the seven mile mark and the mud starts boiling with hydrogen, Holmes said “I’ve got a TradePoint card at B&Q and that means I can afford some pretty serious gear. The gloves and boots that I picked up look more than up to the job of protecting me from things like geothermal silicon dioxide”.

“I’m not stupid, I know I’ve got my work cut out for me” Holmes continued “ The Earth’s mantle alone is 1800 miles thick and flows with the consistency of asphalt, so there’s every change that I’m going to have to put down the spade and make a trip to my local plant hire company and get to grips with how to operate a digger”
“I just think it’s crazy that we can put a man on the moon but we don’t even know what’s in the centre of our own planet when all we need to do is roll up our sleeves and put in a bit of effort”

Asked what he’ll do when it’s finished, Holmes joked “I’ll probably sit back and Ruth can run the cafe and sort out the admission fees for a bit. I dare say I’ll be ready for a cup of tea and bun...I’ll be spent”.
When Eamonn’s wife and co-presenter, Ruth Langsford was asked her thoughts she replied “We’re really worried about him at the moment and he’s talking to a special doctor about all of this”.
NAME: Boris Johnson
AGE: 54
ABOUT: Looks like several dogs standing on each other's shoulders and wearing a coat in an attempt to get into a cinema to watch a film about a bum that's come to life. 
Looks like what would happen if the moon lost its job and started sleeping rough around Milton Keynes and stealing suits from outside the British Heart Foundation charity shop.
Called black people "flag waving piccaninnies with watermelon smiles and said they were thick compared with "orientals"and accused the president of Turkey of fucking a goat. Basically says the sort of stuff your Grandad would say if you thwacked him around the head with a dildo until he got brain damage.

NAME: Michael Gove
AGE: 51
ABOUT: Looks like a man who's taken off his space helmet on Mars and has seconds left to live. 
A man so devoid of integrity that he doesn't even have any in or around his own chin. 
A man who looks like a haunted ventriloquist dummy that's been carved out of a turnip by a paedophile.
Michael Gove looks like he's had his face cut off by a serial killer and then used as a sort of mitt to extract honey from a bee hive before having it carelessly tossed back onto his skull by someone in a hurry.
Jogs around London like someone who's just killed, fucked and eaten (in that order) a woman in a local park.
After his time as Education Secretary, he's now less popular with teachers than chicken pox and headline.

NAME: Dominic Raab
AGE: 45
ABOUT: Looks like someone in the middle of a compound nervous breakdown who's stapled a bunch of wafer thin ham onto their own head before going on a rampage in a South London train station armed with a machete.
Says that the average food bank user is taking the piss, feminists are obnoxious bigots and that the NHS is a childish wish list.
The sort of shit he comes out with makes you wonder if his forehead is a prosthetic mass of putty placed there to cover up his fucking horns.
Even his name looks like it's probably some sort of anagram of an ancient, malevolent demon from Mesopotamia.

NAME: Jeremy Hunt
AGE: 52
ABOUT: A man who's done so much damage to the National Health Service he makes Dr Harold Shipman look like Florence Nightingale. 
A man who looks like he'd rohypnol his closest friends at a dinner party and sell their organs on the back market. 
His wry, smug, smile looks like it should be accompanied by the sound of a high court judge lambasting him for his lack of remorse at the end of harrowing and disturbing court case.
Hunt is a man who is referred to as Jeremy Cunt every single time his name is mentioned on the news due to the sheer power of word association and unconscious, Freudian, impulses. 

NAME: Sajid Javid 
AGE: 49
ABOUT: A man with a perfectly round head who's skull will presumably one day be displayed in Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum causing future anthropologists to even question its authenticity.  
A man who stands with such a wide power stance, in an attempt to evoke authority, that he looks like he's just had a fire extinguisher pushed up his arse by a bear.
He's constantly voted for tougher immigration and benefit cuts like some sort of cunt, despite recognising that those people threatened with deportation could have been his parents
He's kicked down more ladders than a fucking scaffolder. 

NAME: Jacob Rees-Mogg
AGE: 49
ABOUT: he looks like a drawing of Postman Pat that's been scratched into the side of a spinning Jenny by a Victorian chimney sweep. And not in a good way.
He looks like a 19th Century steam engine salesman who spends his evenings drowning children in the lake at the bottom of his garden and reciting incantations from Aleister Crowley's Satanic Bible. 
He looks like what might happen if Adolf Hitler was ever reincarnated in the form of the Windows 95 'helpful paperclip' and sent back 200 years through a wormhole to campaign against the abolition of the slave trade.
The kind of simpering, hat-wringing simpletons who support Jacob-Rees-Mogg are the types of people who camp outside Buckingham Palace for 3 days, crying and waving their Union Jack flags whilst awaiting the arrival of a royal baby, whilst back in their bedsit - littered with Sprite bottle containing their own piss - the eviction notices continue to rain through the letterbox. Unaware of the irony and devoid of hope. These are the worst humans in the world. Evolved, miraculously from the types of people who ran into gunfire during the Crimean War because a man with a handlebar moustache who went to Cambridge told them to.
Fucking hell.


Trainer: Seamus O'Shadowpuppet
Came third in the Gaviscon Cup last year. Been running well on soft ground and has spent the entire year eating bees. Put everything you own on it unless you're fucking stupid, I would.

Trainer: Finbar O'Toolbox
Been on good form lately. Runs sideways like a crab like something you might see in your worst nightmare, but don't let that put you off. Apparently, the jockey plans to ride this horse "on the inside", which involves climbing into the beast via the anus and wearing the hind legs like a pair of trousers. Never been done before but apparently well within the rules. Could be an interesting punt. 

Trainer: Harry O'Speedwagon
His mother ran so fast at the 2004 derby that she burst into flames and vanished and reappeared at the finishing line peppered with bullet holes before crumbling into dust. An unfortunate demise but you don't often see speeds like that outside of quantum physics

Trainer: Sir Findus Crispy Pancakes
Broke both his front legs and died at the start of the year but plans on running in ghost form. Will be able to run through the fences which will save him time but will be relying on everyone believing that he even exists. Might be an interesting contender.

Trainer: Padraig O'Battlequest
The trainer has alluded to the fact that Slug Pellet Medley might be wearing a little fake moustache and two pairs of jogging bottoms for a laugh. Might be a funny idea but it won't help him win on the day.

Trainer: Ardal O'Dardleradar
Sometimes stops halfway around the course to nibble at the grass so the team would do very well to make sure he's nice and full up on sausages, bovril, luncheon meat, Cajun spiced chicken strippers, blancmange and Cadburys Creme Eggs before the starting pistol. 
Fun fact: This horse once killed a child by kicking it in the head.

Trainer: Ronan O'Fingerblast
A really, really, really, fast horse. Faster than like a mouse or man on a bike. Stinks though.  A really smelly horse. The Jockey fucking stinks of piss as well. No one likes this horse. Or the fucking jockey. Honestly just the worst gang of cunts you can think of. I hope they both fall over and fucking die.

Trainer: Dermot O'Dermotodermatologist
Due to a corporate tie-in with a popular chocolate manufacturer this horse is actually a zebra which apparently falls within the rules of entry due to some kind of equine loophole. Slow as fuck. Doesn't stand a chance. Daft little legs. Bringing the entire sport into disrepute. Good name though. Also the jockey is fit as arseholes. 

Trainer: Bishop Brendan O'Breadbasket
This horse has got horse cancer so it probably won't win.

Trainer: Keenan O'O'Estrogen 
Ran nicely in the Fray Bentos Steeplechase in Harrogate last summer. Loves Jesus. He once had sex with his own Grandad which is a shame but he's a lovely horse and his trainer is a real character.
He's unlikely to do well at The National this year though since his testicles have ballooned in size and now it looks like he's dragging two Fiat Cincquecentos around in a tarpaulin. They really are just SO big it's hard to explain. It's actually cruel keeping him alive. There's a petition on the internet with almost 35'000 signatures in favour of  having him shot in the head with a bolt gun just to put him out of his fucking misery.