CLASSIFIEDS
21.02.17

FOR SALE

Gravestone:
Stone. Hardly any moss.
A good buy for someone called Fabian Leaford Hoddinott 
€300
375-508-321

Dentures
hardly used. 4 teeth missing (swallowed)
Smell of egg. Collection only
¢760
121-998-654

3 Seater Leather Chesterfield
5 years old. Tan retro design with beautifully carved frame and solid wood feet. Very good condition except for a few cat scratches but the cat has been killed in a reservoir.
£14000
222-777-393

Gibson SG Electric Guitar (Red)
Signed by either David Bowie, the recently departed singer songwriter regarded by critics and musicians as being one the most important and innovative pop stars of all time with a career spanning over 5 decades and over 140 million record sales internationally, or by a guy called David Brodie  who I think I went to school with and I may have sold me the guitar a few years ago if memory serves me correctly.
$60'000
665-666-642

King Size Hypnos Mattress
Very, Very heavy because it's absolutely soaked in piss after we tied Gary to my bed on his stag night and then forgot about him for 2 days.
Really very heavy. Also some blood. Ideal for someone who is looking for a mattress to take to a tip/ fly-tip in the woods
Collection only (You might need a crane, it's absolutely fucking sodden)
€23
 851-009-202

Grandads For Sale!!!
I found a cave full of grandads near Dartford in January. I thought I could look after them but I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
Some dead, most alive (between 79 and 96)
£12 each or 3 for £20
651-090-101

Low-Res JPEG of My Bathroom Taps
Taken when I had to email a photo of them to my plumber so that he could give me a quote on some work that I needed doing.
I don't need them anymore but I'm happy to either print them off or download them onto a memory stick
£25 printout / £45 dongle
320-000-622

Idea For An Invention
I've got a really good idea for a new invention. I can't tell you what it is on here obviously.
I would like to take it to the next level but I'm too busy scamming people on the internet.
Send the money and I'll send you all the paperwork.
$80'000 ono
111-111-121

Worms
Worms. Dead. 
Storred in condom.
Ideal for someone who enjoys dead worms in condoms
¢38
343-678-989

Jeffrey Dahmer Cuckoo Clock
Unwanted gift!!!
Cuckoo clock tribute to Milwaukee, necrophiliac canibal, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Adorned with dismembered figurines and photos from the case file recreated in die cast metal. Very upsetting every hour when a mutilated penis pops out and plays audio from Dahmer's Police Station confession.
A very misguided anniversary gift from my husband.
Any offer accepted
222-432-709

Watercolour Paintings
Of my dog's ball sack (red setter)
£90
222-033-984

A Song I Just Wrote
Title: The Peanut Song
Tune: Boopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdumBoopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdum Boopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdumBoopadoop Doo Bam bambaddumdum doo Biddlybiddly bum badumdum
Words: None yet so you can really make this your own
Ideal for first time popstar or West End Musical composer.
£340'000
444-242-440



THE
OFFICIAL
PAUL 
NUTTALL
FACT SHEET
  • Paul survived the collapse of the World Trade Centre by building a small helicopter out of  desks and ceiling fans
  • Whenever Paul uses a watering can, blood comes out instead of water, even if it was filled up with water
  • If Paul eats mung beans he can levitate several inches off the ground for about 45 minutes
  • When he was a child, Paul dug a hole in his back garden that went to the centre of the earth, when he got there he found an 'inside-out-city' that was populated by ghosts
  • Paul survived the Chernobyl nuclear disaster by hiding in a knackered old fridge like Indiana Jones does in 'Kingdon of the Crystal Skull'
  • Paul used to be a peregrine falcon but he flew into an electric pylon and woke up as a man
  • At night, Paul grows roots out of his feet and collects moisture out of the bedsheets and carpet because his mum was a weeping willow
  • Paul once hit a golf ball so hard that it split the spacetime continuum and went back to the cretaceous period, hitting an Iguanadon in the face 
  • When Paul was trapped in the 2010 Copiapo mining accident in Chile he kept everyone's spirits up by juggling his own fingers. He had them reattached shortly after they were rescued
  • Paul wrote 'Too Shy' by Kajagoogoo
  • When he was in Tierra Del Fuego, Paul bought a pair of shoes off a gypsy that actually 'plant rainbows in the ground' when he walks over ice
  • When Paul was in the Crimean War, he made a sort of baseball mitt out of tree sap that enabled him to catch bullets out of the air
  • Paul Nuttall is Japanese for 'Emperor of Light'
  • Paul has 'hollow hand syndrome' which means he doesn't need a wallet and can keep his coins/keys/cakes in a pouch inside his palm
  • Paul was the lead actor in 'Jaws' but the camera angle made him look like Roy Scheider
  • If Paul touches his teeth in a certain order it opens up a vortex that acts as a gateway to a dimension where everything is the same except everyone is made of pasta
  • If Paul pushes really hard he can squeeze a tiny pair of wings out of his back
  • After Kurt Cobain died, Paul took over as lead singer/guitarist and they went on to release another two albums but no one remembers
  • After Paul built the Space Needle in Seattle, he had really bad blisters on his fingers. The blisters would talk to him at night and tell him the exact location of people who were in trouble in Bootle. Paul would then go out dressed as a wasp and rescue them

VALENTINES 
DAY:
HOW TO GET 
A LAST 
MINUTE
DATE
Much like New Year's Eve, Valentines Day is an absolute clusterfuck of misery if you're single and haven't fingered anyone for weeks and weeks on end. Everyone will keep asking you what you have lined up and when you tell them that you're just staying in on your own and firing off some knuckle children in front of Desperate Housewives, they'll look at you with pity and disgust, as if you've got cholera smeared all around your mouth.
But before you give up entirely and splatter your brains out all over your bungalow walls, remember, there is someone for everyone. It sounds like a cliche but there really are plenty more fish in the sea, especially in the sea, where are literally plenty of fish. 
You might have a face like a bag of dog tods dangling from a tree and a personality that glitters as brightly as a black hole, and it may very well feel like trying to find someone to love you is as pointless as flicking peas at a goose, but there's someone out there who's just as desperate as you, you just have to find each other.

Here are my top tips for finding yourself a last minute date.

1 - THE PRISON SYSTEM
It's easy to forget that people who are spending the rest of their lives in solitary confinement for raping, killing and eating stray dogs are often interested in pursuing relationships and a lot of prisons happily offer conjugal visits in an attempt to discourage inmates from resorting to palming one off and flinging it at the guards.

2 - ONLINE DATING
These days online dating has certainly lost its stigma and, as such, all the biggest dating sites are saturated and that's going to make it hard for someone like you, who looks like they live in a cave and drink their own bath water, to fool anyone decent into clicking the 'yes' button. The internet is certainly worth considering however. Sites like Gumtree and Craigslist are excellent because you don't need to set up a professional and reassuring profile, simply post up a picture of Zac Efron, copy and paste a biography off someone who isn't mental and you'll be having it away with your new partner / terrified victim in no time

3 - DOGGING
Nothing says Valentine's Day quite like having a man you've never met wank over your back in a van near the abandoned reservoir.

4 - THE EX
You don't get anywhere by giving up, just ask any determined gold medalist. If you can't find someone new to love you then perhaps it's time to spend Valentines with someone who once did. Here's how to play it...
  • Turn up at their new house with flowers and force our way in
  • Try and ignore their new husband/wife, keep smiling and avoiding eye contact with them whilst they shout at you to get the fuck out
  • Put some music on. If the children are crying then turn it up
  • Start cooking dinner and chat to your ex about times gone by (tell them you still remember what their nipples look like)
  • Open a bottle of wine whilst grabbing onto the sideboard as the policeman tries to remove you from the building.
  • Thank you ex for a lovely night as you're taken away in handcuffs
  • Spend the rest of the night in your cell sacrificing sperm to the God of Lonely Nights.
  • Plan your next date if/when you're released from the big house
5 - GO OUT WITH A HORSE
Spend a lovely and romantic night in a field with a horse. Sexy lingerie, wine, romantic music, the works. When it gets late though don't be tempted to go all the way with the horse because you will die.

6 - SEXBOT 5000
If you're lucky enough to own one of those creepy, life-sized sex dolls then perhaps it's time to take it out on a date. Dress it up nice, but it some chocolates and book a limo to take you out for a romantic meal for two. It would be wise to check with Pizza Express customer services that they're cool with this so as to avoid being removed/sectioned.

7 - CHAT ROULETTE
Turn down the lights, slap on a bit of Barry White and spend the evening looking at Ukrainian penises. 

8 - ASK A STRANGER
Wander the streets asking people if they'll marry you. This probably won't work but you could just happen to come across a complete fucking lunatic who doesn't even know what day of the week it is and then Bob's your uncle.

9 - ASK YOUR UNCLE BOB
...He seemed to take a shine to you when you were 7

10 - IF ALL ELSE FAILS
If all else fails then I've designed a range of Valentines Day cards that are basically like rohypnol in paper form when printed out.
Good luck with the dating and remember, most importantly, don't grass up old Gus when you get arrested.


TOP CUNTS:
GANGS OF 
THE EDL
In case you were in any doubt about the fact that the far right are both braindead and terrifying in equal measures, I've been wading through some of the more depressing chambers of Twitter in a quest to learn a bit more about the mentality of the people who are seemingly winning the current war of civilisation. 
Go and check it out. They're all there, talking bollocks and spelling racial slurs incorrectly. On the whole they each look like the bloated carcass of a walrus that's washed up on beach and had swastikas scratched into its flesh by a group of naughty schoolboys. They're all great and after spending a bit of time reading what they have to say you'll definitely grow to love them and definitely not want to reintroduce the smallpox virus into every corner of the planet in a bid to instigate the apocalypse as soon possible.
To make it a bit more fun I've turned it into a game of 'Top Trumps' but be warned, it's not really that fun and the content of this post is fucking offensive and the views expressed by these sad little plonkers contain some of the really bad words that I wouldn't even use to describe my mate Sexy Chris.

There's something about the EDL presence on Twitter that is quite interesting however. It's funny how supporters of the EDL all have similar biogs at the top of their profiles. They're all a basic variation on each other's. Almost as though they haven't got a single fucking braincell and just regurgitate whatever bonkers horseshit they've just read elsewhere.

It's also weird how they all seem to hate their wives. That doesn't seem like something you should brag about. If you're living in a house with someone who doesn't talk to you or have sex with you and you just have to sit in your cum-encrusted armchair moaning about immigration whilst your wife stares at you and your fat belly with disgust from the other side of your stinking prole hole, then you're pretty much one of the saddest cunts around and you've turned your life into an absolute bollocks. An absolute bollocks I tell you.

Anyway, enjoy the 'Top Trumps'. Cut them out, use them and enjoy them. Whilst we play, perhaps we can learn something about these Cataclysmic, Storm Force 12, Sultans of Shit.

1 - BIG BAD DAVE

This guy's got three kids...So that's good



2 - KEITH 'BRUTE' GIBBS


I guess when most people lose custody of the kids they don't stop to consider whether or not they're an absolute shitmachine.

Ps. Nice nickname...if you act in gay snuff films.



3 - EDL DAVE
This guy loves Carling more than the person he has to share a bed with. What a fucking cool dude. I want to be him. I want his life.
(Way to spell foreigners, genius)

4 - JAMES ROYSTEN
He's trying to chop his own arm off with a turkey baster in his profile picture so we can assume he's hardly Oxbridge material.
Extending your hatred to the disabled seems like a pretty extreme move as well. It would be amazing if he got quadraspazzed by a bus and then you got to watch him outside the hospital in his Doc Martens trying to stamp on his own head.
(It's unclear whether Stella is his wife or his beer. Given how it seems to be trendy to 'hate the wife' we'll assume he's talking about the latter)

5 - Mark 'Nutter' Smith
Seems like a good guy

6 - ALAN LEE 53

Good profile pic. let's get a closer look.



This is what we want British people to look like; A toddler with an ageing disease that's been brought up in a pitch black cave on a diet of of its own tods.

Don't be fooled by his suave and sophisticated appearance, a closer inspection of his account reveals that he's actually a horrid cunt.



7 - MAC



This is a UKIP supporter. Those are the facts.

8 - JOHNNY MURPHY
There's no one quite like Grandad

9 - DARREN BERRY
Holding guns in pictures and threatening to kill people is one of the best ways to start changing your life around in a way.

10 - WAYNE 'DIGGER' ADAMS
Top Tweet : "Not a racist or anything, just despise coloured folk.
Finally, a rational and considered argument to an age old issue.

11 - GERRYENEMYOFTHESTATE
This one appears to be a paedophile. What an absolute legend.

12 - TERRY JOHNSON
Hates 'forner', doesn't mention flora.

13 - LOTTY 'SLAG' DAVIES
OH good. Women can be horrible cunts who can't spell as well.


THE COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMALS
ULTIMATE LIST

  • A Herd of Antelopes
  • A Colony of Ants
  • An Old Fanny of Badgers
  • A Spaffrag of Bats
  • A Grindr of Bears
  • A Gynaecology of Beavers
  • A Clusterfuck of Bees
  • A Bucket of Bullfinches
  • A Behind-The-Shed-Rape-Atrocity of Cats
  • A Midnight-blowjob of Cows
  • A Gove of Chickens
  • A Lawnmower Full of Cormorants 
  • A Klan of Coots
  • A Genocide of Crows
  • A Japanese-Porn-Dwarf of Deer
  • A Martin Clunes Van of Dogs
  • A Horseshoe-To-The-Fucking-Temple of Doves
  • A Haemorrhoid of Ducks
  • A Nutribullet of Eagles
  • An Enema of Eels
  • A Grundle of Ferrets
  • A Mega-Legend of Foxes
  • A Bukake of Geese
  • A 47-ZX-Spectrums-In-a-Skip-Behind-The-Odeon of Goats
  • A Yeast Infection of Hedgehogs
  • A Rylan-From-The-X Factor of Herons
  • An Actually-Just-Fuck-OFF of hornets
  • A Mr Hands From Enumclaw of horses
  • A Rapey Eyeful of Jackdaws
  • An Arsefull of Jellyfish 
  • A Jacko of Magpies
  • An Stomach Upset of Mice
  • A How Do They Even Breathe Underground? of Moles
  • A Super Injunction of Moorhens
  • A Sexy Chris is a Fucking Cunt of Owls
  • A Pointless of Oysters
  • A Narcissism of Peacocks
  • A Gooch-Load of Pelicans
  • A Dogging-Hotspot-Near-Bracknell of Rabbits
  • A Drop-Them-Off-The-Motorway-Flyover-For-A-Laugh of Snails
  • A Decapitation GIF of Sparrows
  • A Knuckle Supper of Squirrels 
  • A Lovelace of Swallows
  • A Microwave of Swans
  • A Trout-Eyes of Trouts
  • A Bonfire of Turtles
  • A Fingerbanging of Weasels
  • A Zanussi-RF320X-Washing-Machine/Dryer-Full of Woodpeckers
DISK 2 
NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 95
A REVIEW 

I was going to review the entire, new 'Now That's What I Call Music' album but I couldn't handle it all in one go. The first disk has done God knows how much damage to my brain tank. Apparently I just spent all of last night staring out over a lake and crying blood which doesn't sound good, I can't even remember.  Apparently local people saw me by the lake and now there's a rumour going around the area about a ghostly creature called the 'terracotta mist' who can stare into your soul and steal your dreams. Folklore has it that I can only be killed with fire and whoever eats my still-beating heart will be granted the gift of eternal life, so I can see that causing a few fucking problems in the future that I could do without.
Anyway, on with disk 2...

22 - DRAKE, WIZKID, KYLA- One Dance
Don't really know what to say about this one. It's void of all hope. It's very bleak and makes me think of something like raindrops drizzling down the windows of a nightbus or maybe an empty packet of Chipsticks blowing around next to a bin in the park. It's got nothing. How you can even manage to make absolutely no tune when you're essentially using musical notes and the 12-tone chromatic scale is actually quite an accomplishment. To arrange a bunch of different notes in order and still end up with something that sounds like a fucking fridge buzzing in a newsagents is nothing short of alchemy. This song could suck the colours out of a rainbow and turn them into soil.

23 - DJ SNAKE, JUSTIN BIEBER- Let Me Love You
I like the name DJ Snake. Did he come up with it when he was five years old and just try and style it out for the rest of his life? What a sad fucking cunt. I used to know a guy called DJ Snake, Darren Joseph Snake to be exact. He was actually an earthworm who'd sort of tried to rebrand himself as a snake. He used to slither around in a Moschino onesie and ray bans on. I honestly don't know who is the saddest prick out of Darren and this useless fucker.
Anyway, it sounds like the sort of music that would be playing all warped and muffled out of a Vauxhall Nova that had just crashed into a tree at 3am killing 4 teenage bell ends.

24 -FIFTH HARMONY- That's My Girl
This one sounds like Destiny's Child or something if all the members were clown cars instead of sassy women. I can imagine the lights going down at one of their concerts and everyone screaming as 3 clown cars drive on stage wearing thigh high, leather boots and start performing this song as all their doors fall off and loads of fucking streamers start shooting out of the exhaust pipes and shit. It's terrible. Even though it's one of the worst ones so far, it doesn't sound like all the others so it's got that going for it in its favour. Having said that, just because none of the other songs sound like someone luzzing a bunch of trumpets down a stairwell does't mean that it deserves a fucking medal.

25 -SIGMA, BIRDY- Find Me
Sounds like it could have been a song in 'Frozen' if 'Frozen' was about a girl who goes on holiday with her mates to Ibiza and takes way too many pills, loses all of her money and her passport and then ends up getting convinced by two guys from Romford to make a porno with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier so that she can afford to get back home to Swindon...instead of a story about an ice princess or whatever the fuck it's about.

26 -MARTIN GARRIX, BEBE REXHA- In The Name OF Love
This is one of the laziest ones so far. There's barely any actual music. The main bit sounds a bit like a peacock that's been taken into a recording studio and had a hairbrush stuck up its arse. I assume that that's Martin's job in the band because it's Bebe who appears to be struggling to sing a tune over the top of Martin's experimental, avant-garde, avian, torture methods. I can imagine young Bebe was mortified when she turned up at the recording studio to find Martin clattering around topless and covered in his own excrement whilst recording himself throwing shoes at bicycles and interfering with birds. Still they made it onto the CD so fair play.

27 -NEVADA, MARK MORRISON- The Mack
A remix of one of the worst songs ever. It's basically exactly the same as the the old version but there's some bender warbling away in the background with a balloon full of helium. This is the sort of thing that makes me think that ISIS might have a fucking point.

28 -TIEKS, DAN HARKNA- Sunshine
I'd rather listen to a bag of Uncle Ben's Wild Rice sitting on a kitchen work surface than ever bother listening to this again. 

29 -ZARA LARSSON- Ain't My Fault
Oh fucks sake, back to Rhianna again. Even Rhianna would probably assume that this was one of hers if you played it to her. Cack.

30 -BOB MARLEY AND THE WAILERS, LVNDSCAPE- Is This Love
Fine I suppose. At first I wondered whether Bob would be revolving in his grave so fast that he drilled through the core of the earth and shot out of Siberia and into space like a fucking rocket but, to be fair, it's not that bad. It's completely pointless and nothing pointless can ever be truly beautiful so this is definitely a waste of everyone's time and that's one of the best reviews so far.

31 -DIGITAL FARM ANIMALS - Millionaire
Well I don't like it. It sounds like what might go through your head if you'd just been thwacked around the head with a dildo

32-SNAKEHIPS, ZAYN - Cruel
Starting to struggle to get through this again. I keep getting dizzy and drifting in and out of consciousness. I just woke up and Chris Packham's got me on an intravenous, saline drip. Everyone's telling me not to carry on. This is the sort of song that would be playing on a dusty old radio in the back of B&Q on a rainy Saturday afternoon when you have to go in an buy some new hinges for the airing cupboard door. This would be the soundtrack to something as exciting as that. I had to listen to it 3 times just to try and get the gist. 100% bilge.

33-MATOMA, BECKY HILL - False Alarm
Already fucking heard this one, I'm sure. All these fucking songs are using the same instrument and I don't know what it is. It's like a digital hurdy-gurdy or something. It sounds fucking shite, but whatever it is and wherever you get them, they're clearly flying off the shelves like fucking hot cakes. I've heard people talking about having an ear worm - which I think means having a catchy tune stuck in your head. Well this is more like a having an ear worm-farm where your brain just turns into a big tank full of soil and worms.

33-GALANTIS, HOOK N SLING - Love On Me
Steel drums again. You only used to ever really hear steel drums being played outside Morrisons at the weekend. Once again this is utterly crap.

34-CHARLI XCX, LIL YACHTY - After The Afterparty
Fuck this, I'm out. Can't do it.