This year's John Lewis advert is bleaker than I was expecting 


FLYING 
ANT
DAY 
CANCELLED


Covid-19 scuppers plans to celebrate the big day across the country.

For the first time on record, people across Britain will be spending Flying Ant Day at home instead of with friends and loved ones owing to the social distancing restrictions caused by the coronavirus.
The annual event which sees the tiny insects grow wings and take to the skies in vast swarms is enjoyed by millions in the UK but many have reluctantly decided to give it a miss this summer and put twice as much thought and effort into next year’s festivities instead.
“It’s such a terrible shame” said 69 year old Carol Boswolox from Cirencester, “My family were going to travel over from Australia to celebrate Flying Ant Day with me this year but they’ve been forced to cancel their tickets”. “I don’t know if I’ll even bother putting a tree up…and you can bet your bottom dollar they won’t put any good ant films on the telly”.
And it’s not only consumers who are missing out on the merriment, businesses are going to feel the pinch as their usual surge in revenue is cruelly snatched away by the fickle finger of fate.
Sussex Landlord, Donovan Pentecost, said he’s worried that he may have to permanently shut his doors if Flying Ant Day is as much of a washout as experts have predicted. “Our beer garden would usually be full of revellers frantically swatting at the air as billions of males and new queens leave the nest to mate and get in everyone’s drinks and hair and make their skin crawl, but this year we’ve barely had any bookings whatsoever”. “I’ve got 200 turkeys in the freezer that look like they’ll be going to waste” he continued. “We’re deeply concerned”.
The Reverend Richard Cole was slightly more philosophical and tried to remind everyone about the true meaning of Flying Ant Day. “Although it is lovely spending this special time with those closest to us, Flying Ant Day has become rather commercial over the years”.
“Perhaps this year will be a good opportunity to enjoy some quiet reflection and remember that Flying Ant Day should be about the ants”.


CELEBRITY FLYING 
ANT 
DAY
We asked six of our favourite celebs how they celebrate the big day

JAMIE OLIVER - CHEF
Me and Jules love waking up early to the pitter patter of tiny feet as they scuttle around on the bedroom window trying to get in. I like a more traditional Flying Ant Day so I’ll usually cook a goose on the BBQ and we’ll eat it in the garden, swearing and cursing as the stupid wankers flutter and bundle their way into all the food and everybody's faces until we get so angry that we just lob all the food in the bin and go inside and order a fucking Chinese. Perfection.

RICHARD OSMAN - PRODUCER AND PRESENTER
I find Flying Ant Day the most magical time of the year and would love to make more flying-ant-based TV shows. Next year we’re thinking of making it into a live television extravaganza like Comic Relief or Red Nose Day and we’re planning on getting Ant and Dec to present the entire thing from inside a termite mound in the Masa Mara Game reserve. I can’t wait.

LUCY WORSLEY - HISTORIAN
I’m fascinated by the history of Flying Ant Day which actually started about 92 million years ago between the Cretaceous and Miocene periods. Back then people wouldn’t celebrate with sparklers and cakes like they do now because humans didn’t exist. I’d love the opportunity to go back and experience a traditional Victorian Flying Ant Day. We’ve all seen the beautiful old watercolour greetings cards depicting children riding ants through the streets of London and to me that really encapsulates the entire spirit of this special time of year.

ROY WOOD - WIZARD
Well Flying Ant Day has totally transformed my life thanks to my smash hit song ‘I Wish It Could Be Flying Ant Day, Every Day’ in the 1970’s. Back then everyone would write a song about Flying Ants but these days it seems to have gone out of vogue thanks to the bloody X Factor. I don’t have a very rock and roll Flying Ant Day anymore and am more than happy picking up my royalty cheque from the doormat and spending the day in the garden with the family.

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS - ACTOR
It’s a frightfully busy time for me and I’ll usually be snowed under with ‘Antomime Season’. I’d love to be able to get out a bit more and enjoy the revolting swarms but I’ll more than likely be camping it up on stage in a matinee performance of one of the many ant-based fairytales. “They’re behind you!”

KIRSTIE ALLSOPP - CRAFTER
I love making decorations on Flying Ant Day’s Eve and have wonderful memories of curling up in front of the fireplace with my Grandmother and cutting out ant-shaped paper chains and lanterns. We’d go absolutely ant crazy and deck the house from top to bottom before leaving a biscuit out for Father Termite and going to bed terrified at the thought of him crawling down our chimney and converting to his new and horrifying winged form.

TOOLS 
ARE LEFT 
IN THE 
VAN 
OVERNIGHT!

Police have warned of a surge in cases of tradesmen leaving tools in their vans overnight despite plastering their vehicles with stickers which claim otherwise.
Information from burglars has played a vital role in outing dozens of van owners who have now been exposed as deceptive liars who willingly employ underhanded tactics in a callous attempt to protect their personal property.

Part time criminal, Jamie Knawvax, claimed that he robbed a van whilst pissed, fully expecting it to be empty, only to be confronted with thousands of pounds worth of tools and building equipment.

“I was on my way back from the pub with a mate and we came across a van with one of those stickers that says ‘No tools are left in this van overnight’ ” he said.
“My mate reckoned that the trades probably did leave them in there and I disagreed as I  like to believe that most people are a little bit more honest and trustworthy than that” he continued.

“To settle a bet we busted open the van’s back doors and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that it was full to the brim. I ended up going home with thousands of pounds worth of power-tools but couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed that I’d been lied to”

Detective Constable Robin Faunce said that this isn’t an isolated case and police have been receiving dozens of reports about small businesses and sole traders who have attempted to deceive the general public by using stickers which claim that they take their gear indoors every night when they don’t.

“It’s a pretty sad state of affairs” he said.

“People out on the rob get given a hard time for being dishonest but now it seems that the people who are actually getting robbed have resorted to using misleading techniques that are frankly no less sneaky and conniving” he continued.
“As a police officer, it’s very difficult to know whose side we should be on”

Ministers have been urged to introduce a new law which would prevent all plumbers, builders and electricians from being allowed to fabricate the truth on their vans in sticker form.
If passed the new legislation could come with statutory minimum terms, meaning that in most circumstances, anyone misusing a ‘No tools are kept in the van overnight’ sticker, would face a lengthy prison sentence.

SALES 
OF 
TOTEM 
POLES 
HITS
RECORD 
LOW
Shares in the large wooden carvings plummet leaving totem pole salesmen scratching their heads 

Totem pole shops around Britain are reporting a sharp decline in sales which has led some shopkeepers to consider making emergency redundancies and even contemplate closing their doors altogether.
The British Chamber of Totemic Industries revealed that totem pole sales figures for 2019 came to just 89,198, a 33% decrease for the year leaving experts wondering why consumers have suddenly stopped putting their hands in their pockets for the gigantic Native American pillars.
Rooney Foghat, whose factory in Chichester employs 165 people and exports totem poles all over the UK said: “Now I’ve got loads of them just sitting here that I can’t sell. I don’t know whether it’s just a blip or whether Britain’s once insatiable demand has finally dried up for good”

Melinda Carbuncle runs a small village totem pole shop in the Brecon Beacons and said: “We used to be very busy selling totem poles in here on a daily basis but it feels like everyone just woke up one day and decided they don’t want them anymore”
“I’ve got hundreds of giant redwood trunks out back that I’m waiting to carve the faces of owls and bears into but at the moment I don’t see the point until I’ve sold the ones that are already sitting on the shop floor”

Economist, Harriet Battersbox said: “For as long as most of us can remember totem pole sales have been the linchpin of the British economy but over the years, with less and less people worshipping hawks, the writing has very much been on the wall”
“With more and more people buying cheap totem poles online from countries like China I’m afraid this could be another hole that we see left in our dwindling high-street” she added.
DANA 
INTER
NATIONAL 
SPACE 
STATION

Eurovision Song Contest winner accidentally sent to the International Space Station due to administrational error 

NASA have confirmed this week that due to a series of unlikely mistakes and crossed wires, Dana International, who won the Eurovision Song Contest for Israel in 1998 with her song ‘Diva’, is currently trapped aboard the International Space Station and nobody is quite sure how she ended up there.
In a press conference yesterday NASA spokesman, Daryl Shuttlecock said “On Monday we received a message from one of our senior engineers saying that the pop singer was found confused and disoriented in one of the docking modules by one of the Russian cosmonauts stationed on the vessel”

He went on explain how the glamorous singer, who transitioned from male to female in 1993, was taken to the galley and given a sachet of freeze-dried Neapolitan ice cream where she was calmed down by the crew and asked how she ended up 250 miles away from Tel Aviv aboard the orbital research facility. 
“Ultimately we’ve no idea how she ended up there” said Mr Shuttlecock “but it appears to have been a series of mix-ups and misunderstandings that are so complicated you’d need to be some sort of rocket scientist to get your head around it” 

“Our priority now is to get her back to Earth as soon as possible” he added.

The news comes just weeks after it was revelaved that TV presenter June Sarpong was accidentally placed aboard the Parker Solar Probe, which was launched in 2018 and is currently hurtling towards the sun at 430’000mph on a one way mission to collect valuable data from our nearest star, due to the misinterpretation of a series of emails.


WORLD'S FASTEST
SNAIL DISCOVERED


Gardener Wesley Bunting blows minds after spotting speedy snail which could be sliding into this year’s Guinness Book of Records.

Mr Bunting, 72, has wowed malacologists after claiming to have found what must be, without doubt, the speediest snail in history whilst pottering about in his garden last week.
“I was filling my watering can up with the outside tap which is next to my back door” he told reporters. “As I did I noticed a snail on the wall of my house and remember admiring the lovely patterns on its shell”
“When the watering can was full I made my way to the top of the garden in order to give my prize winning begonias a well earned drink. When I got up there I couldn’t believe my eyes. The snail had obviously raced up the garden and was waiting for me on the edge of one of the plant pots. I almost fell over in shock”
Mr Bunting, from Macclesfield, went on to explain how he was so amazed that he needed a sit down so that he could do the maths.
“I worked out that my garden is about 50 metres long and I can walk it in about 30 seconds which means this snail must have slid down the wall and raced up the garden and overtaken me at an astonishing 1.6 metres per second or 3.7 miles per hour. Possibly even faster as I have no idea how long he’d been waiting for me”.
When asked if it could possibly have been two different snails Mr Bunting said “After about 45 minutes I wandered back down to the outside tap to check if the first snail was there, and it wasn’t which confirmed it without question for me”
Wesley went indoors and dialled 999 and asked to be put through to Norris McWhirter immediately.
“When I eventually got through to The Guinness Book of Records they also questioned whether there was any chance that there could have been more than one mollusc in my garden but after I explained just how similar they looked they took me at my word and that seemed to be good enough for them”.
Mr Buntings snail has blown the previous record holder out of the water and will be appearing in this year’s Record book published towards the end of the year.
“I’ve not seen him since” he added, before joking “he could be in France by now at that speed. If he is he’d better take care or he could end up as some seriously fast food” 
CHRIS KAMARA - "I CAN LEVITATE A COUPLE OF INCHES OFF THE GROUND

Ex footballer, Chris Kamara last night shocked fans by claiming that if he tries really hard he can actually hover a couple of inches off the ground for a few seconds.

The moustachioed pundit and football analyst made the spectacular claim via social media and explained how he’d always suspected that he may have the ability to float in midair but had never found  the time to practice.
“Since being in isolation due to the Covid19 quarantine I finally decided to give it a jolly good crack and was thrilled to discover that I could indeed defy gravity and suspend myself about 10 centimetres off the floor for about 3 or 4 seconds at a time” he said in a video to his 22 thousand followers.
He went on to explain that he performs the miraculous feat by scrunching his eyes closed, gripping his fists really tightly and muttering abominable incantations which temporarily make his body a conduit for ancient Sumerian gods who use his soul as a portal to pass into this dimension from their own in Neolithic Mesopotamia.
“It’s a great party piece and I’m really looking forward to wowing the lads with it down the pub…when they finally reopen” he said before bursting into flames.