EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW
It's time to pick some hateful cunt to run the country again and trying to choose a favourite is about as easy as deciding which one of your arms to ram into the whirring cogs of a combine harvester.
The problem is is that no one in politics understands 'you', mainly because 'you' are a right plonker. Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband have never spent an entire weekend sitting around in their pants eating Space Invaders and wanking into a shoe like you did last weekend. Natalie Bennett has probably never gone out drinking gin until 6am and then vommed it all up into her own lap on the Northern Line in front of an audience of horrified onlookers because she isn't a fucking mess like you are. That doesn't mean these people are in any way better. They're weird. They want to 'run the country' and that takes a spectacularly large ego that pretty much instantly precludes anyone from possibly being a genuinely decent person. There hasn't been a prime minister in history that was actually any good (Churchill went down ok because he won the war but if he hadn't had that then people would have just remembered him as a fat, sarcastic shithouse).
Best thing to do this time round is to
A) Vote tactically to keep the tories out
B)Vote Green because they seem like they genuinely might care about you
C)Curl one out onto your ballot paper and lob it into the box like Martin Clunes told me did last election.
Obviously no one's going to vote for Admiral Ackbar and his Waffen SS party so it probably won't be more than a few months until Farage is relegated to the 'where-are-they-now-file' along with Nick Griffin and hopefully it goes without saying that voting for old spam face is a shamefully selfish act that will only benefit those who already have enough. The Tories plan on lifting the hunting ban as well which means, if they get back in, I'll be spending the next five years running away from little bell ends blowing toy trumpets on horse back and I can't be arsed with that thanks.
Anyway, if you're still sitting on the fence staring at your own testicles like my mate Sexy Chris (literally) then hopefully this little guide will help fill you in on all your options. All research conducted by me, Double Denim David, James the Haemophiliac Wood Pigeon and Jonty Bunions (a dog I met behind Wickes).
• David Cameron was born in 1947 out of a black egg that was dug up during a bomb disposal in Coventry City Centre
• When he was 6 years old he had much of his face reconstructed out of gammon after his brother (Marcel) threw a piping hot bowl of 'Ready brek' into it during a game of eye spy
• David Cameron does not believe in Paul Gascoigne and refuses to acknowledge the existence of the ex England attacking midfielder. He once claimed on Newsnight that Gazza was "simply a rumour started by Noel Edmonds on Noel's House Party for a bit of a laugh"
• David Cameron owns a pet chicken called Finkel
• He has been married 6 times, most famously to ex-Blue Peter presenter Diane-Louise Jordan
• In 1998 Cameron was accused of the murder of 212 Chinese cockle pickers after their bodies were found in his garage. After a lengthy court case he was acquitted on the ground of diminished responsibilty
• David Cameron can hold his breathe for almost 30 seconds
• One of his famous party tricks at Conservative party conferences is to lash a sea lion with a whip he bought from the set of Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. He says he likes to use sea lions because "the whip really tears chunks out of their flesh and gets the crowd going"
• David Cameron claims to be able to communicate with the dead using a set of dice that he bought off a shaman in Dubrovnik. Despite being told to stay out of police investigations Cameron has in fact given information that has lead to convictions in three murders cases and has been awarded a badge of honour by Scotland Yard
• David Cameron's children are called Ruxpin, Paul Bunting and Mentuhotep III. One of his favourite games to play with the children is to leave them alone in public toilets around the country and see if they survive.
• David Cameron's lifelong ambition is to learn how to evaporate and cling to windows and mirrors in the form of condensation.
• Ed Milliband began life as a soft toy of an Aardman Animation tortoise and spent much of his early life strapped to the front of a bin lorry until he was brought to life by a child's Christmas wish.
• Once free of the curse put on him by the sorcerer Nick Park he went to school and studied leisure and tourism.
• In 2001 he opened the ill-fated 'Ed Millipedes Insect Petting Zoo' in Amersham. After limited success it was finally shut down after a young girl was killed by a funnel-web spider.
• Ed Miliband can hover several centimetres off the ground if required
• In 2005 he entered the Turner Prize with a large sculpture which he called 'Pixel'. The piece was a large red cube that opened up on the hour, every hour to expose viewers to large quantities of weapons grade plutonium. After thousands of complaints and several fatalities the Tate gallery eventually removed the piece from the competition.
• Anyone who's been watching coverage of the election campaign will already know that Ed travels everywhere on his little tricycle. He refuses to travel anywhere by car, bus or plane. During his campaign he only managed to visit 58 people in 2 boroughs
• Ed Miliband has a tattoo of Screech from Saved By The Bell on his right forearm
• Ed only eats Pop Tarts and spends almost 18 hours a day on the toilet
• When he was younger Miliband used to be in a black metal band called Fuckpig. Their debut album 'Worship at the throne of the Necroswine' received KKKK in Kerrang Magazine.
• Nicholas Jennifer Fungal Clegg was born in 1967 to his parents 'Wolf' (from Gladiators) and also 'Scorpio', (also from Gladiators). As a child he caused concern to his parents by routinely running away from home and insisting on living in caves. He once went missing for 2 months and reportedly lived on a diet of sticklebacks which he fished out of local streams with what experts describe as "reptilian reflexes and hunting techniques"
• Nick Clegg is unique in as so much as his tummy is made of soil, and, if he plants a seed into his belly button, he can nurture plants and vegetables into fruition. In 2007 he grew a pumpkin in his own abdomen that won a prize at the Devonshire County Fair,
• Nick Clegg is a lying cunt
• Clegg currently holds the record for creating the largest Eccles Cake in the world. It took over 30 000 raisins and 400 pints of milk which he milked from his pet python 'Dangerous Steve'
• Clegg's wife Miriam González Durántez is immortal. She also has the ability to seperrate milk from water using her mind, which, so far, has been useless.
• Clegg wrote his university dissertation on clogs and entitled it 'Clogs by Clegg'. He received a 2:2 for his efforts.
• Clegg was once caught stabbing a horse to death with a butterfly knife. When asked by police why he did it he said he was under a lot of pressure from David Cameron and had underestimated the stresses that might have been brought on by being the deputy prime minister.
• Clegg's favourite film is Mallrats
• As a child, Natalie Bennett's hair was cut off, condensed down and used to create some of the fist examples of the liquid used in lava lamps. Until she was 14 years old Natalie Bennett was bald until she won her case against Mathmos to earn her freedom
• She invented leather jackets
• Natalie Bennett is married to a snail called 'Ultra Viper'
• She was once held hostage in a bank robbery and escaped by firing poison out of the gills that she has behind her ears.
• Bennett is a big fan of 'Daddies Sauce' and one of her leading policies within the Green manifesto is to bring back 'Daddies' and make it a major player in the breakfast condiment scene.
• Bennett's house is in the cotswolds and is surrounded by a fence built of Bombay Badboy pot noodle pots