Ex Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has sensationally claimed that he’s been visited by God and instructed to build an ark in preparation for the forthcoming apocalypse. 

Talking at a press conference yesterday, the presenter and columnist revealed that The Creator Of All Things visited him in the garden of his large family home in Chipping Norton and told him that he must build an enormous wooden vessel large enough to hold two of every single animal species on the planet.

The contentious petrolhead, 59, admitted that at first he’d assumed it was a wind up. “To be honest I thought that it was probably just Hammond or  May in a costume trying to prank me for our Amazon Prime show, The Grand Tour” he said. “But after the bearded figure performed a couple of miracles with a deck of cards and an enormously long handkerchief I realised that I truly was face to face with the Alpha and Omega” he continued.

The task of building an ark to survive a biblical flood was most famously completed by Moses in the Old Testament. For the past few thousand years nobody has had to tackle what is generally considered to be one of the most challenging DIY projects anyone can take on single handedly.

“God told me that I have to build it on my own” claimed Clarkson “ and to be honest I’ve got no idea how I’m going to fit it in amongst my other commitments of pissing about in sports-cars and writing ill-informed gibberish for tabloid newspapers” he griped.

Clarkson admitted that he’s made a start but still has a long way to go if he’s going to get his bulky barge - which will need to be around about the size of The Isle of Wight - completed by the deadline of November 2020.

“It’s a nightmare” he said. “I’ve already cleared out the timber section of almost every branch of B&Q in Oxfordshire but I’ve still got nowhere near enough wood to even make a start on the hull”. 
“I’ve done the maths and apparently there are about 18.7 million species on the planet and I need to find two of each. Also, I’m obviously going to have to keep them in separate cages if I don’t want them all fucking and eating each other before God initiates his apocalyptic wrath…I could really do without this” he continued.
When asked how he plans to feed all of the animals the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire simply put his head in his hands and confessed that he hadn’t even considered that yet.

He has however started collecting animals and told reporters that he’s cleared out his local branch of Pets at Home and made arrangements with a local farmer regarding a couple of sheep and a cow, but when it comes to more exotic species he knows he’s got his work cut out for him. 
“I’ve been online and I’ve got no idea where to find a Honduran White Bat or a Patagonian Mara. Frankly at this point I don’t care if they all drown” he snapped.

When asked how he’ll power his ark Clarkson joked that it will literally have more horsepower than anything he’s ever driven owing to the fact that his cargo will contain over 350 equine species. “On a serious note I’ll probably strap a V8 engine from a Ford Cosworth because it’s an absolute beast and should have more than enough power to shift something that weighs… around 900 million tonnes”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was asked his thoughts as to why Jeremy Clarkson might have been given the job of preserving life on Earth during one of God’s infamous smitings and said that he imagined it was some kind of punishment for Clarkson’s behaviour.
“I dare say it’s got something to do with with the terrible drivel that Jeremy has spewed out of his mouth throughout his career and may be connected to his recent climate change denials and snidy remarks about Greta Thunberg”. 

“God’s got a wicked sense of humour like that. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s told Clarkson that he needs to find a place on the ark for all the fish as well” he concluded.

With an impending watery armageddon expected any day now, we asked 4 celebs how they’d go about the task of building an ark and protecting all life on Earth from another one of God’s infamous temper tantrums.

I’d bloody love the opportunity to build an ark. I could do it on TV and call it George Clarke’s Ugly Ark To Lovely Ark and we could clad half of it in charred cedar wood and give it some really expensive and bold yellow aluminium feature windows that scream “this is my ark and I don’t care who knows it”. Inside I’d make sure that when you stand by the front door you can see all the way through the entire 300 cubit space.
If we were really clever with the budget I’d try and ensure that every single one of the 18.7 million animal enclosures contains a kitchen island as well.

As someone who has broken the record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe I’m always on the look out for a new challenge and I’d love to see if I could beat my time whilst simultaneously looking after several million species of dangerous exotic animals. I’d probably build a twin-hulled ark in the style of a catamaran and use a gigantic sail to harness the apocalyptic winds and zoom across the limitless oceanic landscape with no fear of crashing into land. To be honest I’d be in seventh heaven.

If God asked me to do it then we’d all be trouble because, like him, I don’t really exist. Being a fictional character I’d be terrible at building an ark and collecting animals owing to the fact that I’m not real so nothing I do has any impact on events in reality. It would be very stressful because no matter how hard I tried to complete the challenge nothing would happen as I have no physical presence in this realm and am basically just a concept created in an advertising agency to help sell fish sticks to children. I just pray that when it comes to crunch the big man doesn’t choose me.

It would be great if God put me in charge of the ark because I’m already halfway through building one. Whilst I’m backstage and the other girls in Little Mix are doing interviews and practicing the dance moves I’m usually busy building my ark which I have taken from venue to venue by 4 Chinook helicopters. At the moment I’m busy sanding down the colossal 400ft rudder. The girls think I’m funny because I’m always going on stage with sawdust in my hair but it’s how I like to relax so I don’t care.


Breeding wolves and bears in British shopping centres sparks debate about the rewilding of ancient species

For the first time in more than 1,000 years native bears and wolves are coming snout to muzzle with each other in the UK, but instead of finding themselves surrounded by the towering oaks of ancient woodlands, they are instead thriving in the abandoned shopping malls of the British high street.
European brown bears, thought to have become extinct in the British wilds in medieval times, and grey wolves – which roamed free until the 17th century are currently coexisting in several of the country’s most run down and unloved indoor shopping centres thanks to a radical new project devised by the government’s Department of Fish and Wildlife. 

Dustin Thunderthighs, the chief executive of the scheme, said: “We’d been looking for a suitable place to reintroduce some of these species for several years and realised that the baron and desolate landscape of the British high-street is in fact an ideal location. With more and more commercial units closing down due to the rise of online shopping we’ve found that certain species are flourishing.”
The project began in Fareham Shopping Centre,Portsmouth, where a pack of wolves were released in an abandoned branch of Mothercare and a family of bears unleashed into a deserted Snappy Snaps in January. Since then the pack has gone from strength to strength with only 24 human casualties reported so far.
“With hardly any shops still open in the arcade the wolves can pretty much keep themselves to themselves. Barely anyone actually leaves the house to go shopping anymore and anybody who does generally avoids being consumed by wolves so it seems to be a win win for everyone concerned” said Mr Thunderthighs. 
“We then introduced bears, wolves and a herd of elk into The Royal Victoria Place Shopping Centre in Tunbridge Wells and they did just as well with only a handful of people getting mauled to death or eaten” he continued.
Since then the scheme has been rolled out across the UK. The Callendar Square shopping centre in Falkirk, Stirlingshire, is now home to a thriving population of lynx and Eurasian bison and boasts  an impressively low 13 human fatalities whilst any visitors to The Broadmarsh Precinct in Nottingham will now be taking their life into their own hands whilst trying to avoid wild boar as well as cave lions, which haven’t been a part of the British countryside for almost 40’000 years.
Grantham Pelmet, 54, a shopper from Nottingham, said: “I think it’s a great idea. This would have all been woodland 500 years ago so I think it’s only right to hand it back to these dangerous bloodthirsty animals if people aren’t going to support the high-street and instead do all of their shopping on Amazon. If that means a few people get devoured by the gnashing teeth of these monsters then so be it.”
But not everyone was so supportive of the initiative. Yolanda Blunderbus, 73, from Preston was furious. 
“Well I think it’s a bloody daft idea” she said. “I used to enjoy pottering around the precinct with my friend Meryl until she was dragged into a boarded up branch of Tie Rack by an enormous bear and now I rarely bother”.
“I mean, it’s nice to see herds of bison grazing in the food court when you pop out for a wander around the shops but it just seems like the cons outweigh the pros.” She added.
With only 112 people losing their life to reintroduced carnivorous species so far this year it’s expected that a lot more indoor shopping centres will be reconnecting with their wild side over the coming years.

Six things you never knew about wolves
  • In its lifetime a wolf produces enough sperm to fill 4 olympic sized swimming pools
  • If wolves could fly they’d be one of the most dangerous predators on Earth
  • Although it looks soft a wolf’s fur is so course it feels like sandpaper. If you are attacked by a wolf the best thing you can do is vigorously rub it’s pelt until it bursts into flames.
  • Wolf from the TV show ‘Gladiators’ got his name due to his fondness of curling one out into fresh snow.
  • To give you an idea how big a wolf is, if you stacked 993 wolves on top of each other then it would be roughly the same height as the Burj Khalifa in Dubai.

  • A wolf’s blood is highly acidic and can burn through the deck of a spaceship.

My husband Andrew is always game for a laugh. The other day we were at a wedding and he got hold of my mother’s big pink hat and started bopping away in it on the dance floor. Needless to say we were all  cracking up.
Karen Chudd, Kings Lynn

Here’s my daft partner Tommy who tried to make me a cheesecake for my birthday a few weeks ago but lost the recipe half way through and ended up putting an entire block of cheddar in it. It tasted more like a Margherita pizza than a cake. Once I’d stopped crying we all had a right old chuckle about it. 
Pippa R Bandicoot, Isle of Harris

My hubby Fred was always acting the giddy goat and between 1967 and 1987 he killed and dismembered the bodies of at least 12 women and buried them in our back garden before eventually killing himself in HM Prison Birmingham.  
Rosemary W, Wakefield

My husband Rory is always game for a laugh. A few weeks ago we went for a walk in the woods and he jumped into a muddy puddle and fell over on his backside. Me and the kids couldn’t stop laughing. We haven’t stopped talking about it since.
Leslie Mandrill, Kidderminster


Former Spice Girl shocked to discover that she has robotic hands.

Pop-star Emma Bunton stunned fans last night after claiming that she
appears to have mechanised hands constructed from some kind of titanium alloy and has no idea how they got there.
The singer, formerly known as Baby Spice (43) revealed that she made the discovery when cutting her finger chopping a parsnip at her luxurious home in Chipping Barnett.
“I realised something wasn’t right when, instead of bleeding, the wound revealed a glimmering cross-section of shiny metal” said Bunton in an emotional Instagram video to her 1.1 million followers.
The blonde mother of two went on to reveal how she continued to remove the flesh from her right arm with a flick knife only to discover that the entire limb appears to be a cybernetic endoskeleton constructed from some kind of futuristic, triple-armoured, hyper-alloy.
And the bad news didn’t end there for the former Heart radio Dj as a tentative prick with a pin suggests that it might be that same story with her left arm.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” she said through a veil of tears. “I have absolutely no recollection of getting robitic arms fitted and it just doesn’t feel like the sort of thing that you’d forget having done.”
The Spice Girl admitted that she should have known something was awry when she first noticed that she could pick up a cement mixer without even breaking a sweat. 
“When we were on tour, the girls would always come to me when they needed a jar of pickled onions opening or an iron door prising off its hinges so I guess I should have known something was going on.” 
Bunton went on to say that a trip to her local GP to organise an X-ray was at the very top of her to-do-list and admitted that her biggest fear is that she may discover that she is in fact a T-800 Terminator sent back through time to alter the course of history and prevent Skynet from becoming sentient and destroying all of mankind.

“It’s the sort of thing you hear about but just pray will happen to you. We’re just keeping our fingers crossed that there’s a simple explanation and it can all get sorted with a course of steroids or antibiotics” she concluded.

I cut my finger the other day and realised I’ve 
got a robotic hand. Should I be worried?
Ken Pelmet, 35

Hi Ken
Although this is quite uncommon there’s no need to panic in the short term. If you don’t remember being given a robotic hand then it might be worth going to get it checked out. It could be the case that you are in fact a cybernetic organism sent back in time from the future for some reason and have simply forgotten. Ask yourself, ‘have I got infrared vision?’ and ‘can I pick up a large truck with one arm?’. If you’re not sure and still worried then it’s probably time to book in an appointment with your GP.

My local GP is a very attractive young woman but I’m scared to go and speak to her about my problem. I’ve got quite an angry looking fungal infection on my penis that’s beginning to stink. I’m worried that when I get my boy out she’ll get turned on and make a move. I’ve been married for 55 years and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that.
Lawrence Flask, 77

Hi Lawrence
Although it’s very unlikely that your doctor would ever act on her impulses it is always sensible to remain vigilant. In all surgeries you should be allowed to request a chaperone to be in the room during your appointment. But be sure to ask for a male member of staff just to gurentee that the entire thing doesn’t collapse into a steamy three way sex party.

I work in a pork pie factory and I’ve just lost my arm in the blender. The lads are trying to patch me up but I don’t want to look like a fanny. 
Should I get it checked out and will it grow back?
Guy Coggles, 48

Hi Guy
Ouch, that sounds nasty. With any flesh wound that can’t be covered by a standard plaster, it’s always best to get it checked out. I would say that it’s very important that you allow your colleagues to bandage you up other wise you’ll bleed to death in a matter of minutes.

I’m not sure whether it will grow back or not but I think you should brace yourself for the chance that it might not.

Eels just a rumour started on set of Men Behaving Badly claims star

The world of zoology was thrown into turmoil last night when Neil Morrissey, star of 90’s sitcom Men Behaving Badly, sensationally announced that there’s no such thing as eels and that they were simply a rumour he’d started for a laugh to fool co-star, Martin Clunes whilst larking about on set.
“We used to muck about when we were filming the show and try and trick each other into believing all sorts of nonsense” said Morrissey who’s recently appeared in the gripping police drama, Line Of Duty.
I remember that I’d tried to convince Martin that there were these really long fish that sort of looked like snakes and lived in the River Thames and I just came up with the word eels becaube I was mucking about”. Since the Waterloo Road star confessed that he was the brainchild behind the briny beasts experts across the country have admitted that they’ve never actually seen an eel and just assumed they exist because they’d been told that they do.
Dr Quentin Scrote, from the Department of Fisheries and Aquaculture said “Since Neil Morrissey made the claim yesterday we’ve looked into it and in all honesty nobody who works here has ever actually seen an eel. It’s starting to look highly likely that there’s simply no such thing”.
When East End, Pie and Mash shop owner, Gavin Bunty was asked where he got his jellied eels from he admitted “I’ve always just chopped up tinned pilchards and served that, I’ve been going to Billingsgate Fish Market for almost 60 years and I’ve never actually seen an eel, they always just told me they’d sold out”.
“I was starting to think there was something fishy about it” he joked.
When asked why he’d never mentioned it before, Morrissey admitted “I thought it was weird when it started to take off but after a while I just assumed that there was such a thing as an eel and I mustn’t have made it up after all”.
“It’s amazing to think that despite all the fantastic shows I’ve been in, inventing ells will probably be my greatest legacy” Morrissey mused.
When asked how pictures and references to eels have existed in books and paintings going back hundreds and hundreds of years, broadcaster and natural historian, David Attenborough said “like so many things in the briny deep, that might be one of those mysteries that we never fully understand”.

Leamington Spa plans to be the first town in the UK to leave the Earth’s atmosphere…And no isn’t an option!

Officials for the Warwickshire spa town this week announced that they plan to rocket into the record books by being the first town in Britain to journey into outer space and what’s more, residents won’t have a choice as the voyage into the cosmos will be mandatory. 
In a press statement released this morning, Local Councillor, Rilkie Balbatross, said: “It’s time to put Leamington Spa on the map and the way we’ve decided to do that is by sending everyone who lives here into space”.
“Leamington has a population of 55.733 so getting everyone up there at the same time sadly won’t be possible. We’re currently in talks with Virgin Galactic and discussing the logistics of doing it in shifts” he added.
The council plans to use the 2011 census to work through the various wards and then allocate time slots to each household and instruct each one as to when they must arrive at the Kennedy Space Station in Florida for their 90 minute flight into the thermosphere.

A strange loophole in the local bylaws means that not going won’t be option and anyone who fails to oblige could see their house repossessed or even face a lengthy jail sentence.
“For this to work we need 100% compliance from residents which means that we’ll unfortunately have to resort to extreme measures when dealing with anyone who isn’t willing to get onboard” said local MP, Matt Western.
At £250’000 per person, the entire project will cost the town well over £13 billion and see council tax rates rise by an eye-watering 4000% with some local officials confessing that all spending on urban development, maintenance and public services will also have to be put on ice for at least 100 years. 
But despite the massive financial implications most local residents seem excited about the prospect.
“I’m really looking forward to it” said local resident, Pat Fist,.
“As someone who left school at 14 to work in the local abattoir I was honestly starting to think that my chances of becoming an astronaut and boldly going where no one has gone before were almost over, so I’m absolutely made up” he continued.
However, there has been angry opposition to the idea from some local residents.
Local florist Bunty Horsebasket, 76, was one of many embittered residents who thought that being projected at 2485mph out of the Earth’s orbit against her will was a step too far for a local council.
“I’ll be honest I’m absolutely livid.” She said.
“As someone who is absolutely terrified of flying I can’t say I’m particularly impressed with the idea of being blasted 62 miles into the sky and being forced to experience the discombobulating and unnerving sensation of weightlessness when I’ve got a shop to run and things to do”.
“It just seems like an enormous waste of time and money and I just don’t see what the point is” she continued”.
The first flight is expected to take place in March this year and everybody in Leamington Spa is expected to have made the trip into space by Summer 2021.
As it's approaching Christmas, I asked 6 of Britain’s favourite celebrities what they’d do if they were trapped on a desert island with only 100 eggs for company 

1 - MATT BAKER (The One Show) 41
“This is one of those questions that you spend a lot of time thinking about when you’re staring out of a train window isn’t it? So I’ve certainly given it a lot of thought.
I think if I could get a fire going I’d try and hard boil them and then peel off the shells. After that I’d store them in a rock pool and dedicate my days to fending off crabs with a stick. The saline water would act as a preservative so I’d probably eat one per day for 100 days and if I hadn’t been rescued after that then I’d probably kill myself”

2 - VICTORIA DERBYSHIRE (Journalist and Broadcaster) 51
“I think it’s fair to say that if you ground down the egg shells into a sort of powder and then used the remaining albumen as a binding agent you could probably start to fashion a half decent raft using your hands. Once it was baked under the scorching sun I wonder whether you wouldn’t end up with something not dissimilar to fibre glass. After that it would simply be a case of hitting the open seas and feasting on the remaining yolks until you came across civilisation”

3 - PETER JONES (Dragon and Entrepreneur) 53
“I don’t know if this would work but I’d probably try and incubate the eggs in the hope that enough of them hatched. Once I had a clutch of chicks I’d try and spend the next few years selectively breeding the brood until I was left with a gigantic super hen that had developed the ability to fly. After that it would just be a case of building some kind of enormous saddle out of vines and leaves and flying back home”

4 - JESY NELSON (Pop singer in Little Mix) 28
“In the 2000 survival movie ‘Castaway’, Tom Hanks keeps insanity at bay by drawing a face on a volleyball with his own blood. With that in mind I’d probably do something similar on each one of the 100 eggs and give them all a name and intricate backstory. As someone with a head that’s exactly the same shape as an egg I don’t think it would take me long to integrate into their society and I’d hopefully be able to see out the rest of my days without feeling even the slightest twinge of loneliness”

5 - KIERAN TRIPPER (England footballer) 29
“It’s well known that eggs sink when they’re fresh and float when they’ve gone off. With that in mind I’d try and stay alive long enough for the eggs to expire and then I’d simply put them in the sea and let them teach me how to swim. Once I felt like they’d taught me everything I need to know and I’d gleaned enough knowledge from the avian ovulations it would be a case of setting my sights on the horizon and making good my escape”

“When eggs or egg products are heated, Hydrogen Sulphide is produced as a result of non-enzymic reactions. H2S is a dangerous colourless gas that’s both flammable and explosive. With 100 eggs at my disposal, I don’t think it would be beyond the realms of imagination to think that I’d be able to build a veritable arsenal of fairly effective flares and grenades using hollowed-out mangos which would hopefully be visible to any ships and planes within a 50 mile radius.

If that didn’t work then I understand that Hydrogen Sulphide is used to produce heavy water for nuclear power plants so it would simply be a case of working out how to split the atom using coconut shells and after that figuring out how to build some kind of nuclear power boat that could blast me back to west end like Prospero from Bill Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’”
Got a boot sale bargain or an old ornament you reckon might be worth a fortune? Why not let me - Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall - find out? Just send me a pic of your treasure and I’ll tell you if it’s worthy of the STARS or TOO SHITE TO MENTION!

  • I picked up this ‘Doc Martin’ tea towel in a charity shop last week for 50p and when I took it home my husband wondered whether it might be worth a small fortune. We’ve been too scared to use it and both been wondering if it wouldn’t be more at home in some sort of film and television museum. I’ve never seen another one and I’ve just got this sneaking suspicion that I might be in possession of something special. What’s the value, Mick?
  • Hi Brenda. What a find! Martin Clunes memorabilia is very hot at the moment and just about anything brandishing his hilarious jug-eared face is worth sending to an auction house if you can bare to see it go. Just last week I saw a pair of Men Behaving Badly oven gloves sell for a ridiculously high price at Sotherby’s. In my opinion this could be worth anything from between £5000 and £10’000. Good luck!

  • Me and the wife recently moved into a new flat and after talking to the neighbours we were amazed to find out that Dave Berry from Absolute Radio used to rent the place in about 2003. The other day I was bleeding the radiators with the radiator key which was left in a draw next to the oven and it got me thinking that there’s every chance that he might have used it himself during his tenure. I wondered if it might be worth the big bucks thanks to its celebrity connections.
  • Hi Gavin. Wow what a piece! You were right to get in touch. This is exactly the sort of thing that serious collectors will be beating down your door to get a hold of. Usually with items owned by a celebrity it’s important to have a certificate or photograph linking them to the item, but in my opinion even without any evidence this could still fetch anywhere between £5000 and £10’000. My advice - Get it insured as quickly as you can!

  • Hi Mick. My husband’s mother sadly passed away last week and we’re currently in the middle of sorting out all of her clutter. We’ve come across this 18th century Chinoiserie decorated long case grandfather clock that has been in my husband’s family for years. It seems to work fine and it’s quite beautifully decorated with golden East-Asian engravings but I’m just not got a clue what it's worth. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated
  • Hello Kitty. I’m afraid it’s bad news this time as I’m not sure this is something that anyone would be impressed with in the current marketplace. Unfortunately in the era of digital clocks and and smart phones I don’t think many people would be interested in cluttering up their houses with something as cumbersome and old fashioned as this. It’s a shame because there is something quite charming about items like this but I’m afraid it might be time for the bonfire for this out-of-time relic. Sorry it’s not better news, but keep hunting!

Winning the lottery is something that we all dream about every day, but to lose the magic ticket before you’ve even cashed it in is surely the stuff of nightmares. And it’s a nightmare that West Yorkshire bin man, GARY EGGPIPER, knows about all too well having come into an unbelievable fortune on several occasions, only to have lost the evidence whilst on his way to collect the winnings.
“I sometimes feel like the world’s basically just playing a sick joke on me” Eggpiper told the Choddington Chronicle. “For something like that to happen once is rotten luck, but to have to go through it on multiple occasions just makes you wonder if it just isn’t supposed to happen for someone like me.”

Gary, 43, went on to explain how his bad luck with winning tickets hasn’t only affected him but has also cost his friends and family the chance of living the high life.

“I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just my money because I’d only have myself to blame, but unfortunately these winning bets have always been part of a syndicate which means that losing the slip has cost my loved ones their fair share as well…I feel pig sick about it.

Money shouldn’t be the most important thing in the world but sadly my lousy luck has resulted in bad blood with the people I care about most.”

Eggpiper, who enjoys racing sports cars at the weekend, explained how he first came to both win and lose a mammoth windfall.

“It first happened about 10 years ago. Me and my family had been paying into a little syndicate since the National Lottery first started. My mum, my sister and two brothers each chose a line which was all made up of birthdays and dates that were pertinent to the family. My older brother, Alan, kept it in his wallet and we’d all give him the money so that each week he could buy the ticket when he went to pick up his fish and chips on a Friday night.

Over the years we’d picked up a tenner here and there, but nothing to write home about, until one evening I got a call from Alan. I could barely understand what he was saying through the excitement but it didn’t take me long to realise that we’d hit the motherload. That night had been a massive rollover and the jackpot was a whopping £24 million. It was so exciting that I actually felt dizzy. It really is a feeling like no other. Me and the family all met up at the local pub and celebrated like we’d never celebrated before. This money was life changing to all of us, and not least to my dear old Mum who needed an operation on her legs and my sister, Pat, who’d been off work for years with depression.
The next day I agreed to take the winning ticket to Camelot and sort out all of the boring admin…but what happened next still sends a shiver down my spine.”

The binman, who lives in a 9 bedroom detached house in a private road near Ilkley, explained how he came to lose the lotto ticket which would have seen his mother, and each of his siblings, receive almost £5 million each.

“I was walking to the bus stop with the prize winning piece of paper firmly wedged in the pocket of my jeans. The burden of responsibility weighed so heavy on me that I remember  my brow dripping with sweat. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a fox ran out of the woods and knocked me over. As I fell my jeans must have torn on a fence post or something and I remember watching as the lottery ticket fluttered out of my pocket and into the road. With no thought for my own safety I sprinted into the path of oncoming traffic to retrieve the prized coupon but alas I was too late and I watched in horror as a peregrine falcon swooped down, picked it up in its wretched beak, and flew away into the distance with everything we’d ever dreamed of.”

Gary, who owns a boat in the Dordogne, now had to tell his family the bad news and pray that they could find it in their hearts to forgive him.

“The next few weeks were all a bit of a blur. I remember there was a lot of shouting and tears as tension in the family ran high. I frantically tried to find a way to sort it out but there was nothing I could do and the money was gone. Unfortunately Camelot said that without the ticket their hands were tied because my brother Alan had bought it from a shop that didn’t didn’t have CCTV. I tried to explain to my family that in many ways it was Alan’s fault but things turned ugly and I decided it might be best if I moved out of the family home that we all lived in and into a new house that had a bit more room.”

Eggpiper, whose mansion contains an underground swimming pool and bowling alley, was confused by his family's reaction.

“I appreciate that my family don’t want to see me anymore but I sometimes feel like they don’t understand that I’ve lost out as well. I also had things I’d have loved to have done with that money. I sometimes think that they forget that I’m a bin man. They say that time heals all wounds so I’m hopeful that they’ll forgive me one day.”

32 stone Gary who is currently dating a 22 year old underwear model from Ukraine, thought that he’d seen enough drama for one lifetime but in an almost unbelievable turn of events, he was just about to go through it all again.

“After the lottery debacle I started spending a bit more time with the lads that I ran the bins with. I hadn’t really been turning up to work much because I was studying for my helicopter pilot’s license but I was still seeing the boys at weekends. We used to go metal detecting  around the Yorkshire Dales and then spend the evening in the pub studying the bits and bobs that we’d dug up. Our plunder was usually just old bottle tops and the odd rusty key, but one day our detectors started beeping and flashing away like billy-o. We began digging and what we found absolutely blew us away. We’d just unearthed a treasure hunter’s dream, thousands of gold Anglo-Saxon coins dating back over 1000 years and worth a kings ransom. We had it valued at almost £5 million and went out to raise a glass and celebrate.

The next day, after an interview with the local rag, I agreed to take the life changing hoard down to the British Museum and sort out all of the tedious paperwork…but what happened on my way still makes me wince with frustration.”

Eggpiper, who was last week photographed at one of Elton John’s Christmas parties, described how he lost his second opportunity to become filthy rich in another bizarre and unfortunate turn of events.

“I was on the train with a case full of the extremely valuable coins thinking about what had happened the previous year with the lottery ticket. I was determined to take extra special care of it it this time and also looking forward to being able to have the opportunity to give my share of the cache to my family and start building bridges. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the train door opened. There must have been a fault with the electronics or something. I went over to try and fix it but the train must have hit a fox or something because as it jolted I fell out and rolled down a hill into the woods. Dazed and confused and only concerned with my colleague’s money, I frantically darted around the undergrowth trying to find the case but unfortunately, just as I spotted it, I could only watch helplessly as it was carried off over the treetops by some sort of eagle or falcon or something.”

Gary, who owns a vineyard and was recently featured in Forbes Magazine, now had to tell his workmates that they wouldn’t be jumping off the bin lorry just yet.

“I felt absolutely awful and couldn’t believe it was happening again. None of the lads were as understanding as I’d hoped and the whole thing had put a deep fracture in the friend group. At that point I decided it was time to quit my job and get away from it all for a while.” 

Eggpiper decided to go and spend some time on the Caribbean islands of St.Kitts & Nevis whilst he let things cool down back in Yorkshire.

“I was sat on my boat thinking about how lonely I was and actually feeling a bit annoyed with my friends and family who didn’t appreciate that missing out on the chance to become a multimillionaire was something I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.

I buddied up with some rich fellas whilst I was on holiday. They were nothing like me at all and we had very little in common but we seemed to get on OK. One evening we had a skinful and decided to all go in on buying a racehorse. It all seemed a bit mad for a penniless bin man like me but you only live once and I was on holiday. A few weeks later it was running in the Grand National and we pooled our money  We each threw in 1Mill into the pot and gathered around the TV. Unbelievably the bloody thing won and all of a sudden we were holding a ticket for almost £80 million. I’ve never drunk as much as I did that night I can tell you. I couldn’t believe I was going to get my third shot at prosperity.”

Gary, who owns the publishing rights to over 30 track by The Beatles, couldn’t wait to get hold of the money and make amends with his friends and family back in Yorkshire.

“With my share of the £80 million I’d be able to pay back my family, my colleagues and still have enough left to live out my days with more than enough. The next morning I agreed to take the betting slip to the bookies on the main island and deal with all the faffing about… It couldn’t happen again and this time I’d be extra, extra careful.

I hired a small motor boat and headed to the island with the betting slip safely in the gusset of my underpants. I wasn’t taking any chances this time. I was about halfway across the choppy, Caribbean waters that separated the two archipelagos when something hit me in the head knocking me into the sea…possibly some kind of water fox. As I spluttered to the surface with no consideration for my own wellbeing I saw the invaluable slip of paper floating away from me. As I darted towards it like a torpedo some sort of tropical kestrel dived out of the heavens, snatching it with its cruel talons and sadly I could only watch as the bird disappeared down into the briny deep.

I decided to get on the first plane back to West Yorkshire and stay at home with only a team of armed security guards for company. I don’t gamble or put bets on anything anymore as I’m terrified of what might happen if I ever try and collect the winnings. It’s already cost me my family and friends.

I sometimes think about how different my life would be today if lady luck hadn’t dealt me such a cruel blow and I still had all of that money. I suppose it just wasn’t meant to be.”