SEXY CHRIS:
SEXY CRISPS

You might have noticed that Walkers crisps are doing another one of their 'Do us a flavour' campaigns where they get proles to send in their ideas for crisp flavours which end up being, without exception, fucking horrible. 
Apparently, all you have to do is write to the UK’s favourite jug-eared potato peddler, Gary Lineker, and tell him that you once ate a parsnip that had been near some cheese and they’ll put it into production and give you the chance to win a million quid. 
Anyway, my mate Sexy Chris has decided that he can do a better job and has started his own crisp business (which he’s currently running out of the back of a knackered old Toyota Avensis that’s parked behind Texaco). He’s had a surprising amount of feedback and already put the following choices into production…

JAPANESE INSOMNIAC
“  Imagine a man from Osaka who’s been working night shifts in an oil refinery for so long that he can’t get to sleep with a smokey BBQ finish. Mmmm   “
Ingredients: Batter, gypsum, paprika, spring onions, salt and grey mince
Creator: Kenneth Babb, 43, Solihull 

FAILED MARRIAGE AND EGG
“  The cosy taste of Sunday morning fried egg mixed with the crushing realisation that your second marriage has gone tits up and Beth’s going to move in with that arsehole who works at Foxtons   “
Ingredients: Egg powder, rennet, mung beans, regret, tears from a crab and Ronseal weather proof decking stain
Creator: Mrs Dorothy Pocket, 68, Milton Keynes

HAUNTED PEAR CHUTNEY
“  Just like grandma used to make. Imagine a jar of delicious pear chutney that’s been used in an occult ritual and become haunted by the soul of a little boy    “
Ingredients: Pear flavour and little boy flavour
Creator: Karl Knawvax, 22, Truro

INVISIBLE RICHARD AND THE DANCING HAM SANDWICH
“  I wanted to re-create that classic, mouth-watering mix of my imaginary friend Richard (a deaf crow) and the dream he once had about a ham sandwich that which could do the Charleston     “
Ingredients: bread, rice, starch, whey protein, iodine, tungsten, vix vapour rub, crispy flavour, gullible trout, plain cheese and celery
Creator: Sexy Chris, 7, Hoxton

TERRIFIED PARROT
“  Piss soaked sawdust mixed with hints of desperation and avian confusion. Like the feeling you get when you walk through the doors at your local ‘Pets At Home’    “
Ingredients: Chicken, piss, wood extract, beer and soy sauce
Creator: Leanne Bismuth-Plunkett, 40, Gaviscon

THE CONCEPT OF SCHADENFREUDE
“  I really wanted to transform that feeling you get when you see an old lady trip over and break her jaw on the wing mirror of a van into a flavour of crisp that I could enjoy at lunchtime   “
Ingredients: Chicken, piss, wood extract, beer and soy sauce
Creator: Gaunt Wez, 38, Leyton Buzzard

ABU GHRAIB & CHIVE
“  Trying to capture the essence of Iraq’s infamous torture prison and mixing it with the fresh taste of chive is something that I’ve always wanted to be able to do in the kitchen when cooking dinner for my family   “
Ingredients: Oil, lice, peanuts, a photo of the actor who played Chunk in the Goonies, little bits of string, pepper, capsicum and just regular cat cum
Creator: Eileen Fingerpuppet, 20, Port Isaac 

OTHER IDEAS BEING CONSIDERED
  • INTERNATIONAL RAPIST 
  • WHORE CORDIAL
  • ROYAL KEBAB PIZZA O.B.E
  • FURIOUS TURNIP
  • GREASY BREAD
  • YAM & CAKES
  • SEEDS & CRUMBS
  • SPICY DENTIST
  • FUNERAL BUFFET
  • CANIBAL BANQUET
  • DAMP FLAN & CRESS
  • UNIMPRESSED GRANDDAD
  • UNFASHIONABLE BEEF STROGANOFF
  • KNUCKLE SUPPER
  • OLD MELON
  • YAWNING DONKEY




























(Share this post, Like me on Facebook and then invent your own flavour in the comment box below.
I'll pick the best one and you'll win a signed copy of the 'Gus The Fox: Crapbook' seeing as no one is actually buying any of the cunts)


GUS THE FOX’S
FOXUK
GENERAL
ELECTION
MANIFESTO




















Let’s give it a fucking bash    |   www.gusthefox.com
Copyright © The FOXUK PARTY of England and Wales 2014
The text in this document may be reproduced free of charge in any format or medium
provided that it is reproduced accurately and not used in a misleading context.
Enquiries relating to the content of and the copyright in this document should be sent to:

Vile Clive
The FOXUK Party of England and Wales
The bins
behind Kwik Fit
Sort of near the canal
Dalston
London
N1 4??

07890705990

Please contact the FOXUK at the address above if you require a copy
of this manifesto in large print, audio or other format and we’ll be sure not to be fucked seeing to your request.

This manifesto was primarily written by Gus The Fox, assisted by Sexy Chris
and members of the FOXUK policy community, with additional research
by James The Haemophiliac Wood Pigeon. Proofreading by Ian Pin and Martin Clunes
Typesetting by Invisible Richard.
Contents

FOREWORD
by Gus The Fox, FOXUK Leader

INTRODUCTION

OUR VISION

THE ECONOMY

SCOTLAND

ISIS & TERRORISM

SCHOOLS

TWINS

NHS

POLICE

A PIE CHART

OTHER POLICIES

FOREWORD
Welcome to Britain, 2015. It’s a fucking shit hole and I know many of you agree. Times have never been so hard for humans and animals alike and in an era where every single party is preaching the same old bollocks, there’s never been a better time to waste your vote on a cartoon fox…with learning difficulties.
With all this talk about Europe and immigration it feels like no one is tackling the real issues.
The shrinking economy has resulted in less waste which, in turn, means that it’s almost pointless to waste time scavenging in bins. The other day my mate Geoff Lester was so hungry that he ate his own hands…which was actually quite funny.
Badgers are no longer safe to walk the streets without the risk of being murdered by the government and there are far too many migratory birds coming over here and stealing our worms. I dream of a Britain where it’s good British…worms…for…good British…birds.

The housing crisis is at an all time low and even though tramps can be quite funny - the other day I saw one pissing into his own face for a bet- they can also be a nuisance. I met a tramp the other day who’s trainers smelled so bad that they made my eyes catch fire and  I fell in the canal, much to the amusement of about seven ducks.

The comedian, Russell Brand, tells us not to vote, well I don’t agree. Why waste your vote when it would actually be a lot funnier to vote for me. The sad truth is, I probably wouldn’t do a much worse job than David Cameron and his ridiculous, podgy little, cunt head.

So on May 17th why not say “FOX THE UK!” and make your voice heard. It’s time for change. It’s time to vote ginger. It’s time for FOX UK. 

GUS THE FOX, PARTY LEADER  






INTRODUCTION
 should probably start by being completely honest with you. I don’t really know what a politics is. Until recently I thought that it was a type of eel. I once saw an eel wearing sunglasses so I punched him in stomach so hard that his head went all weird and looked like a massive shattered egg, but I suppose that’s irrelevant. To start with I decided to go into politics because I liked the idea of having several houses with moats an the idea of getting up to all sorts of bonkers shenanigans with prostitutes - like all the other politicians seem to do - really appealed to me as well, but after I started looking into it, I realised that maybe I could actually make a difference. Not a very good difference I grant you because I’ve never written a manifesto before and most it will only be beneficial to animals who eat out of bins. But, when you consider the fact that we’re declining into a terrifying situation whereby the far right - who previously only appealed to fat cunts without necks - are now gaining more and more power, perhaps being a feral animal is no longer a hindrance in the world of politics. After all, nobody seems concerned that Nigel Farage looks like - and possibly is - a trout, so I don’t see why being a fox should really be a fucking problem at this juncture.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually done some research into how to write a manifesto and I’ve realised that almost all of them are fucking boring. So boring that you’d have more fun spending an evening with this crow I know called Dale Tuppence, and he’s so boring that once he talked to my mate Double Denim David for so long about the type of cardboard that Kellogg’s use to make their cereal packets that Dave actually ate his own legs and then had a seizure and now he thinks he can smell colours and sometimes when he sneezes he lays a weird sort of transparent egg that’s full of mince.
Anyway, these manifestos seem to waffle on, repeating the undoubtably the same thing over and over again whilst intermittently backbiting at their rivals like the tit for tat bullshit usually reserved for washing powder commercials. 
You only have to look at the animal kingdom to realise that you lot have it all wrong. You can’t make rules and legislation that will apply to everyone. Why are we all trying to grow into one giant ‘global village’ or ‘big society’. No one gives a single shit about what’s going on on the other side of the fence. No one wants to help each other out and until we all learn to fend for ourselves the world will undoubtably remain in a state of dissatisfaction and unrest. 
We can’t help everyone all of the time, you need to realise that despite what you may think, you humans haven’t evolved so much that the laws of the jungle no longer apply. You are territorial, aggressive and selfish and the only way we are ever going to build a successful political system is to do so with that in mind. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t embrace multicultural ideals and world views. My mate Dennis Bannister is a fox and he married a frog called Brenda Plumb and they were blissfully happy until last year’s cold snap when we went a bit mental and ate her. 
With that mind, the ideas mapped out in the FOXUK policy are simple. Simple policies by a simple fox. That’s what this is all about. Since I’ve embarked on the campaign trail I’ve met a lot of interesting people (mainly wasps and moths) and they have, without exception, been very confused about why, in 2015, they still don’t possess the right to vote, and I for one think it’s about time that that changed. Sure they might be borderline retards who are only interested in finding the nearest bright light, but the entire cast of “Made in Chelsea’ is eligible to vote and I for one think that’s disgusting.
I’ve met a lot of swans on the campaign trail who are confused as to why issues close to them seem to be ignored by the major political parties. To be fair most of them only care about bobbing about in canals and sucking up algae but last week I saw Pierce Morgan doing a exactly the same thing and his voice doesn’t seem to go unheard. It’s a fucking disgrace.
A lot of politicians seem to be more concerned keeping their skeletons in the closet when they should be concentrating on doing their jobs and for that reason I have decided to give you full disclosure on my indiscretions in the hope that it will go some way to reinforce your trust in me as both a leader and a fox.
With that in mind, here is a list of some of the bad things I’ve done

  • I murdered my own gran in a fight over a packet of biscuits
  • I once ‘filled a duck up’ with snails (and it died)
  • When my mate Sexy Chris is asleep I sometimes gently whisper the word ‘cunt’ into his ear for several hours on end. Sometime he wakes up in tears.
  • I once threw rice at a dog even though it wasn’t getting married
  • I bummed a chaffinch and it went inside out and you could still see it’s heart beating and everyone was sick/ committed suicide
  • I’ve never payed any tax (mainly because I’m a fox and it’s not required of me)
  • I was once raped by Ant and Dec in a tunnel (but that’s obviously not my fault)
  • I don’t like coots
  • Sometimes I dream of destroying the Earth with a gigantic nuclear device
  • I have a fetish for moss. I sort of fancy moss.
  • I don’t believe in otters
  • Sometimes I fantasise about glueing loads of sausages onto a badger
  • Last year I fingered a cat behind Gregg's The Baker. I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.
…So now you know. I hope these indiscretions don’t deter you and my honesty only goes to strengthen your trust in me and the FOXUK party as a whole. 
(I am trying to deal with some of my issues regarding coots but, to be fair, they are a bunch of filthy fucking racists)

Anyway, it’s your choice

Trust the FOXUK Party and together we can see what happens.
OUR VISION

Some will tell you that voting for a fox is a a luxury in a times of economic hardship. Wrong! Think about what you’re saying. Voting for a fox is bonkers but if you’re ever going to get out of this mess and create a sustainable and fair economy then I’m afraid you’re going to have to do something really stupid that’s perhaps slightly less drastic than an apocalypse.

Our vision is of a fair society based on compassion to animals, which, in turn might make you re-evaluate how you deal with each other, working with nature rather than against it. I’m talking a step in the direction of vegetarianism rather than treating animals like biological machines. If you saw how many bollocks and eyelids were in the meals you eat every day you wouldn’t eat meat ever again, even for a bet.  
We’re not talking a full scale overhaul, we’re talking about baby steps in the right direction. More meat free options won’t just benefit the world morally but will also benefit the sustainability of the planet’s resources. The amount of fucking rainforest we chop down every day just to compensate for livestock is very rapidly turning our planet into a bovine fart hotbox and in about 100 years, when you’re all naked and living in caves and fighting each other with sticks over the last glass of water you’ll wish you’d acted sooner.

I could go on to talk about the problems with raping the seas and hunting for sport but you’re probably not that bothered. Everyone is only interested in their own agenda. Well I’m happy to address that as well…

THE ECONOMY
Here’s what we’ll do about that
  • As we have no important people in business funding us or twisting our arms on anything at all then we would ACTUALLY tie up all these loopholes that allow rich cunts to avoid paying tax. Very simple. If banks and Google and that paid what they should then we’d have so much money to pay our nurses that they’d all being absolutely minted and then they’d start to get complacent and then they’d start doing an even worse job than they already do and we’d have to re-evaluate the entire system. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Point is, there would actually be too much money and we’d actually have to spend it on stupid shit like getting a gigantic gold statue of Keith Chegwin in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria and stuff like that. We’d actually have too much money and it would be annoying. We’d be able to start a company that just went around putting fake eyelashes on ducks and it wouldn’t make any difference to the amount of money we have in the National bank. It would actually be annoying having so much money.
  • Also, and I don’t suppose this is relevant, I’d like to see more famous animals printed on bank notes. The current £5 note has a picture of Elizabeth Fry on it and no one even knows who the fuck she is. What about Bungle from Rainbow? or maybe LaLa from the Teletubbies. Were they animals? Were they a sort of bear? Who knows. Who the fuck even cares?
  • No benefits for anyone. This probably won’t be a very popular one for the floating voters but I can’t think of a single job that someone can’t do. If your legs are all knackered then sit behind a desk and lick envelopes, if you’ve got mental health problems then why not become an estate agent? Come on Britain, it’s time to knuckle the fuck down.
SCOTLAND

Oh no! How ever will we get by without being party to the thriving Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars bar and haggis industry? Give a fuck mate.

ISIS & TERRORISM

Seems a bit weird that when we get our heads chopped off you stick them in the local pub but when the shoe’s on the other foot everyone starts shitting their pants. Anyway, here’s what we do about things like ISIS…

  • Just chill out a bit. Try not to go there if possible but it’s a fucking shit hole and if any trouble comes out way then we should be very fortunate we live on an island. If the worst comes to the worst we’ll all just go to the coast with some knives and big bits of wood and ward off any imminent danger.
  • When it comes to homeland security we propose to make the laws regarding human rights slightly more lenient. Some of the ideas I’ve got might seem bit barbaric but if you’re going to act like a twat then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. Everyone says torture is unacceptable but I think you’d be surprised what the human body can endure. There’s a man who lives near me on the canal who’s always dressed like a cowboy and he walks around all day drinking White Ace and I once saw him chop his own cock off with a small pair of scissors that came free with a Dora the Explorer Magazine and he was pissing himself throughout. I don’t think chopping a few fingers off is anything to get too worried about.
SCHOOLS
  • Schools have gone soft. When I was at school my brother Ian called the teacher a fat dickhead and he was killed right there in front of the class. I know foxes and humans can be a bit different but if some little wanker starts mouthing off act and acting like they own then place then stick them in borstal for a bit. They’ll soon pipe down when they’re getting bummed every night by the bigger boys.
  • Free Martin Clunes shaped rubbers for all GCSE students. (1% of the countries taxes will be spent on this legalisation)
  • Abolish OFSTED. I’ve been speaking to teachers around the country and apparently ticking boxes and filling in forms instead of just teaching people is ruining the country. So we’ll just fuck it off. I’ll personally do spot checks on schools every so often to check they haven’t been turned into meth labs or child porn rings and we’ll save loads on lengthy, expensive and pointless OFSTED inspections
  • Despite what my mate Sexy Chris says, owls will still not be allowed in British schools (unless they happen to live in the ceiling above the gym). Sexy Chris says that owls are wise and should be allowed to go to school so that they can “further their intelligence” but I reckon this is bollocks because I once saw Sexy Chris getting off with a hammer inside Gareth Southgate’s shed also when I asked him which is his favourite book by Charles Dickens he said “A Muppet Christmas Carol” so, No. Owls will not be allowed to join the children of Britain in school. 
TWINS
  • I suggest that we ban twins because I’m scared of them. It’s weird. Unless anyone has a problem with it then I suggest we have them all killed.
NHS
  • Keep it exactly the way it is apart we’ll pay people more with the money we’ll collect from rich fuckers who don’t pay enough. Don’t let the fucking Tories ruin this. It’s too important.
  • We should also have a National Health service for foxes if you ask me. My testicles are are in a terrible state. One of them rolled into the canal last year and got gobbled up by an eel. I’m worried if we don’t do something about my bollocks soon then, as a nation, we might lose them forever.
  • I’ve been speaking to a lot of unemployed leaches recently who have been telling me that their families haven’t been able to find work in the healthcare industry for about 200 years. I say it’s time to give these guys their jobs back. I met a leach called Duncan Furnish who said that he didn’t know what cancer was but he was happy to have a fucking good go at it if only he was given the chance.

POLICE
  • The police shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with their police horses and police dogs. I don't know if this actually happens and if it’s an issue but if it does - which a lot of people tell me it doesn’t - then I really want to clamp down on it.
  • Legalise most drugs apart from the really weird ones that make people go fucking bonkers and start eating people. You should only be able to get them from Boots.
  • You know those people in the Guinness Book of World records who have really long finger nails and the thumb one sort of curls round into a big spiral? Well the police should still be encouraged not to have them because I assume it would get in the way of their day to day business.
  • More own clothes days. (only for undercover police)
TOURISM
  • Carry on as is. No one knows why anyone comes to this horrible, rainy little shit hole so let’s not rock the boat.
RELIGION
  • I reckon we should either start a new one based on wheelie bins or just fuck the whole thing off
  • No faith schools. Fairy tales have nothing to do with education
  • After the election religion will only be considered as a mental health issue and will fall under the remit of the NHS
A PIE CHART 

OTHER POLICIES
A list of things we’ll also be doing as FOXUK
  • Compulsory tattooing of bats
  • A free carton of Um Bongo for everyone who paints a picture of me on the front of their house
  • More Japanese people working in ‘Laser Quest’ if it still exists, which I’m fairly sure it doesn’t
  • A full ban on fox hunting. Generally try and start killing animals less and less if at all possible.
  • 8 day week. 5 on, 3 off. We’ll sort the details out later
  • More Send all Canada Geese back to Canada. no one wants them here. Every time you try and have a chat with one it bites your fucking head off and starts honking like some sort of mental old car.
  • Spitting in the street will be punishable by death
  • More wasps
  • Less wasps for those who dislike wasps
CONCLUSION
I just showed the manifesto to Martin Clunes and he said he fucking rubbish. 
In my defence though Martin Clunes did once shave my belly with a Gillette Mach 3 and then draw a picture of the Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street on there in crayons though so he’s hardy a fucking legend is he?

I’ll sort it out. Put in your thoughts. We can run the country like an actual democracy. Instead of saying things and then not following through with them, we’ll set up an online website where all legislation and law and get voted for each week and then, probably, gradually everything will be fine, unless it makes it worse, in which case we’ll all sit down and have a rethink in a few years. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that we are all incredibly unhappy and some of us might die…just like any other term in political leadership.



AN IDEA FOR A POSSIBLE MAN

NAME
I don't know, something like Tim Bunting or Justin Richmond or something like that. Maybe something like Gareth Benny. You know just like a normal name really. Robert Glibb? The kind of name that sounds fairly standard but if you found out one day that he'd been arrested for fucking kids you'd be all like "Yeah that adds up I suppose, he sounds like a bit of a fucking paedo". And then you'd say something like "What is going on with this crazy world ?" and then just sort of turn around and carry on doing the dishes whilst shaking your head.
His name's Tim Bunting.

NICKNAME
Doesn't really have one. He never had that many mates at school owing to the fact that his fingers were always covered in Wotsits and he used to do really odd things like the time that he shouted "MINGEPIG" at one of the donkeys during the school nativity play.
Some people at work call him 'Canoe' because of the time he capsized his kayak during a team building exercise in the River Avon. He was underwater for three minutes and technically died for about 40 seconds in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. People don't call him Canoe that much to his face because sometimes it makes him really angry and start crying and one time he punched Jackie so hard that both her shoes came off.

AGE
I guess he's about 40 to 45.  When you consider that he doesn't even exist I suppose it doesn't really matter

FACE
Quite a thin and ratty face but at the same time not an unkind one. Weird little eyes though like piss-holes in the snow. He looks slightly haunted and has an abysmal little chin beard. Some people say he looks a bit like goat that's just found out that he's contracted hepatitis off a German prostitute if you can imagine such a thing.

FEET
Very nice. Lovely feet. Apart from all the fucking horrid blisters and scars.

HIS BEST MATE
His best mate was probably Dominic Wagstaff. They used to go fishing together and had a mutual interest in darts and hiking. Last time they went hiking they found a sheep that had got its head stuck in a barbed wire fence and when they tried to free it they accidentally slit the cunt's throat and when it died it voided its bowels all over Dominic's new shoes and he got so angry that he head butted a shed and gave himself an aneurysm and died. Tim Bunting didn't even go to the funeral because he was in court being tried for manslaughter on the same day which is well out of order when you consider that he didn't kill Dominic but i think the police were probably just confused as to why Tim had buried his body on the moors.

RELATIONSHIPS
He's had a few girlfriends but they've all been fucking pigs. The one he's sort of hanging around with at the moment is a right big old unit and last time he had her over she sat on one of his new kitchen chairs and shattered the cunt into smithereens even though it was brand new and made out of fucking steel. When he was about 24 he went out with a girl who wasn't a revolting old boiler but she ended up moving to Riga to design dustbins for the Latvian government which is a shame because if she'd stayed then Tim's life might not have ended up being such a fucking shambles.

COMMONLY USED PHRASES
He always says "this is my old stomping ground" about places that he's been before, which is really annoying because he only ever goes to the same bloody places with the same fucking people every day. If you spend any time with him then you'll hear him say that about 3 times a week.
He also calls sausages "snossages" and always orders food in a sort of American-Cowboy accent which pretty much irritates the fuck out of everyone.

TRANSPORT
He's got a car but he usually walks to work. Sometimes he drives into the office on an imaginary motorbike much to the amusement of absolutely no one.

IN SUMMARY
Pleasant enough but when you consider that he's not even real he really doesn't have the 'wow' factor. Quite a disappointing man.



THE
WORLD CUP 
DRINKING

GAME

TAKE A SHOT IF...

  1. Some fucker sticks it in the back of the net
  2. There is a yellow one
  3. There is a red one
  4. You see a black guy
  5. One of the players kills one of the other players
  6. England put a dog on as a substitute
  7. You see someone in the crowd dressed up as Toadfish from Neighbours
  8. One of the players eats the ball (See point 6)
  9. The commentators keep mentioning 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'
  10. A plane/hot air balloon crashes into the pitch
  11. Gary Lineker has got his snout in a bag of Pickled Onion Monster Munch at half time
  12. One of the players brings their cat/hamster/parrot onto the pitch for the National Anthem (unprofessional) 
  13. The ref gets a firearm out and starts waving it at some the players and saying stuff like 'You better start bucking up your ideas' and 'You know I've got this gun'
  14. Someone forgets their kit and has to play in their pants
  15. The goalie kicks the ball so hard that it turns into an old black and white photograph of a steam train
THE
WORLD CUP 
GUIDE
With Gus
Got to go to the pub with all your mates tonight but know fuck all about football? Not a problem with this blagger's guide that'll have you yabbering away like a young Bruce Grobbelaar before you know it.


WHERE'S IT BEING DONE THEN?
Brazil. Brazil is the only country that shares its name with a type of nut and a type of pubes.
Brazil is also famous for prostitution, gang banging, extortion, street violence and Big Jesus.

DOES GARY LINEKER STILL PLAY FOR ENGLAND?
No. Not often

WHAT IS A FOOTBALLS?
It's a game where two teams have to drive the soccer into each other's wickets to collect score points. You can collect yellows by falling over and pretending you've been shot in the legs by a sniper. At half time you can trade in your yellows for more score points. The team that converts the most soccers into goals wins the big game and gets to have sex with a big cup.

WHO IS THE MASCOT THIS YEAR? 
The mascot this year is 'WEETABIX: THE BEACH VAMPIRE'. You'll see him on all the merchandise from t-shirts to fridge magnets. At half time Weetabix walks up the touchline and throws boiled ham into the crowd. Weetabix has already been voted the most sinister mascot to ever appear at a professional football tournament. 


WHAT SHOULD I SHOUT AT THE TV IF WE SCORE? 


  • YES! Football 
  • That's a goal for our team! 
  • That's what I call a football goal! 
  • FUCK MY ARSE! 
  • I'm having fun with my friends! 
  • That was definitely some kind of great goal 
  • GREAT DRIBBLING 
  • Now that is how you goal! 
  • I pretty much wanted that to happen 
  • What the time? It's time for some goals! 
WHAT SHOULD I SHOUT AT THE TV IF THEY SCORE? 
  • No thanks. That's not my cup of tea 
  • That's not going to help us win the goal cup 
  • No NONONONONONONOO (crouch in the corner, suck your thumb and keep hitting your head with you hand) 
  • That's not my kind of football 
  • Bollocks. I fucking hate those Italian shits 
  • Fiddlesticks 
  • Noooooooo Goooooaaaalll 
  • Come on keeper. You've got to stop the ball you muggy little cunt 
  • I'm feeling a bit sad 
  • I might go home. This is bullshit 
WHAT'S THE OFFSIDE?

The offside is a thing that everyone hates. Gazza once said that he "hates the offside more than wasps and aids" when he was on Match Of The Day. It's very complicated but this pretty much explains it ... 


Which players should I keep my eye on?

  1. Alan Glom (Sweden) - Blind lad. Plays on the right wing with his dog Sprocket. 
  2. Victor Chinchchinquichento (Costa Rica) - Goalkeeper. Famous for having the word 'Bisto' tattooed on his forehead 
  3. Mikazi Mitzuki (Japan) - Striker. Plays naked. Ludicrously large penis 
What shall I wear? 
Keep it formal. No one likes a sloppy cunt when you're trying to watch the footy. Avoid sports wear and too much make-up. Consider hiring a tux or some wedding attire. Covering yourself in Panini football stickers and Alpen is considered strange behaviour so try and avoid doing it if at all possible. It's customary to turn up at the pub wearing football boots so a trip to Sports Direct is vital if you don't want to end up looking like a mong.

Who will win? 
Usually the only winner is football itself. Or Germany