FLYING 
ANT
DAY 
CANCELLED


Covid-19 scuppers plans to celebrate the big day across the country.

For the first time on record, people across Britain will be spending Flying Ant Day at home instead of with friends and loved ones owing to the social distancing restrictions caused by the coronavirus.
The annual event which sees the tiny insects grow wings and take to the skies in vast swarms is enjoyed by millions in the UK but many have reluctantly decided to give it a miss this summer and put twice as much thought and effort into next year’s festivities instead.
“It’s such a terrible shame” said 69 year old Carol Boswolox from Cirencester, “My family were going to travel over from Australia to celebrate Flying Ant Day with me this year but they’ve been forced to cancel their tickets”. “I don’t know if I’ll even bother putting a tree up…and you can bet your bottom dollar they won’t put any good ant films on the telly”.
And it’s not only consumers who are missing out on the merriment, businesses are going to feel the pinch as their usual surge in revenue is cruelly snatched away by the fickle finger of fate.
Sussex Landlord, Donovan Pentecost, said he’s worried that he may have to permanently shut his doors if Flying Ant Day is as much of a washout as experts have predicted. “Our beer garden would usually be full of revellers frantically swatting at the air as billions of males and new queens leave the nest to mate and get in everyone’s drinks and hair and make their skin crawl, but this year we’ve barely had any bookings whatsoever”. “I’ve got 200 turkeys in the freezer that look like they’ll be going to waste” he continued. “We’re deeply concerned”.
The Reverend Richard Cole was slightly more philosophical and tried to remind everyone about the true meaning of Flying Ant Day. “Although it is lovely spending this special time with those closest to us, Flying Ant Day has become rather commercial over the years”.
“Perhaps this year will be a good opportunity to enjoy some quiet reflection and remember that Flying Ant Day should be about the ants”.


CELEBRITY FLYING 
ANT 
DAY
We asked six of our favourite celebs how they celebrate the big day

JAMIE OLIVER - CHEF
Me and Jules love waking up early to the pitter patter of tiny feet as they scuttle around on the bedroom window trying to get in. I like a more traditional Flying Ant Day so I’ll usually cook a goose on the BBQ and we’ll eat it in the garden, swearing and cursing as the stupid wankers flutter and bundle their way into all the food and everybody's faces until we get so angry that we just lob all the food in the bin and go inside and order a fucking Chinese. Perfection.

RICHARD OSMAN - PRODUCER AND PRESENTER
I find Flying Ant Day the most magical time of the year and would love to make more flying-ant-based TV shows. Next year we’re thinking of making it into a live television extravaganza like Comic Relief or Red Nose Day and we’re planning on getting Ant and Dec to present the entire thing from inside a termite mound in the Masa Mara Game reserve. I can’t wait.

LUCY WORSLEY - HISTORIAN
I’m fascinated by the history of Flying Ant Day which actually started about 92 million years ago between the Cretaceous and Miocene periods. Back then people wouldn’t celebrate with sparklers and cakes like they do now because humans didn’t exist. I’d love the opportunity to go back and experience a traditional Victorian Flying Ant Day. We’ve all seen the beautiful old watercolour greetings cards depicting children riding ants through the streets of London and to me that really encapsulates the entire spirit of this special time of year.

ROY WOOD - WIZARD
Well Flying Ant Day has totally transformed my life thanks to my smash hit song ‘I Wish It Could Be Flying Ant Day, Every Day’ in the 1970’s. Back then everyone would write a song about Flying Ants but these days it seems to have gone out of vogue thanks to the bloody X Factor. I don’t have a very rock and roll Flying Ant Day anymore and am more than happy picking up my royalty cheque from the doormat and spending the day in the garden with the family.

CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS - ACTOR
It’s a frightfully busy time for me and I’ll usually be snowed under with ‘Antomime Season’. I’d love to be able to get out a bit more and enjoy the revolting swarms but I’ll more than likely be camping it up on stage in a matinee performance of one of the many ant-based fairytales. “They’re behind you!”

KIRSTIE ALLSOPP - CRAFTER
I love making decorations on Flying Ant Day’s Eve and have wonderful memories of curling up in front of the fireplace with my Grandmother and cutting out ant-shaped paper chains and lanterns. We’d go absolutely ant crazy and deck the house from top to bottom before leaving a biscuit out for Father Termite and going to bed terrified at the thought of him crawling down our chimney and converting to his new and horrifying winged form.

TOOLS 
ARE LEFT 
IN THE 
VAN 
OVERNIGHT!

Police have warned of a surge in cases of tradesmen leaving tools in their vans overnight despite plastering their vehicles with stickers which claim otherwise.
Information from burglars has played a vital role in outing dozens of van owners who have now been exposed as deceptive liars who willingly employ underhanded tactics in a callous attempt to protect their personal property.

Part time criminal, Jamie Knawvax, claimed that he robbed a van whilst pissed, fully expecting it to be empty, only to be confronted with thousands of pounds worth of tools and building equipment.

“I was on my way back from the pub with a mate and we came across a van with one of those stickers that says ‘No tools are left in this van overnight’ ” he said.
“My mate reckoned that the trades probably did leave them in there and I disagreed as I  like to believe that most people are a little bit more honest and trustworthy than that” he continued.

“To settle a bet we busted open the van’s back doors and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that it was full to the brim. I ended up going home with thousands of pounds worth of power-tools but couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed that I’d been lied to”

Detective Constable Robin Faunce said that this isn’t an isolated case and police have been receiving dozens of reports about small businesses and sole traders who have attempted to deceive the general public by using stickers which claim that they take their gear indoors every night when they don’t.

“It’s a pretty sad state of affairs” he said.

“People out on the rob get given a hard time for being dishonest but now it seems that the people who are actually getting robbed have resorted to using misleading techniques that are frankly no less sneaky and conniving” he continued.
“As a police officer, it’s very difficult to know whose side we should be on”

Ministers have been urged to introduce a new law which would prevent all plumbers, builders and electricians from being allowed to fabricate the truth on their vans in sticker form.
If passed the new legislation could come with statutory minimum terms, meaning that in most circumstances, anyone misusing a ‘No tools are kept in the van overnight’ sticker, would face a lengthy prison sentence.

SALES 
OF 
TOTEM 
POLES 
HITS
RECORD 
LOW
Shares in the large wooden carvings plummet leaving totem pole salesmen scratching their heads 

Totem pole shops around Britain are reporting a sharp decline in sales which has led some shopkeepers to consider making emergency redundancies and even contemplate closing their doors altogether.
The British Chamber of Totemic Industries revealed that totem pole sales figures for 2019 came to just 89,198, a 33% decrease for the year leaving experts wondering why consumers have suddenly stopped putting their hands in their pockets for the gigantic Native American pillars.
Rooney Foghat, whose factory in Chichester employs 165 people and exports totem poles all over the UK said: “Now I’ve got loads of them just sitting here that I can’t sell. I don’t know whether it’s just a blip or whether Britain’s once insatiable demand has finally dried up for good”

Melinda Carbuncle runs a small village totem pole shop in the Brecon Beacons and said: “We used to be very busy selling totem poles in here on a daily basis but it feels like everyone just woke up one day and decided they don’t want them anymore”
“I’ve got hundreds of giant redwood trunks out back that I’m waiting to carve the faces of owls and bears into but at the moment I don’t see the point until I’ve sold the ones that are already sitting on the shop floor”

Economist, Harriet Battersbox said: “For as long as most of us can remember totem pole sales have been the linchpin of the British economy but over the years, with less and less people worshipping hawks, the writing has very much been on the wall”
“With more and more people buying cheap totem poles online from countries like China I’m afraid this could be another hole that we see left in our dwindling high-street” she added.
DANA INTERNATIONAL SPACE 
STATION

Eurovision Song Contest winner accidentally sent to the International Space Station due to administrational error 

NASA have confirmed this week that due to a series of unlikely mistakes and crossed wires, Dana International, who won the Eurovision Song Contest for Israel in 1998 with her song ‘Diva’, is currently trapped aboard the International Space Station and nobody is quite sure how she ended up there.
In a press conference yesterday NASA spokesman, Daryl Shuttlecock said “On Monday we received a message from one of our senior engineers saying that the pop singer was found confused and disoriented in one of the docking modules by one of the Russian cosmonauts stationed on the vessel”

He went on explain how the glamorous singer, who transitioned from male to female in 1993, was taken to the galley and given a sachet of freeze-dried Neapolitan ice cream where she was calmed down by the crew and asked how she ended up 250 miles away from Tel Aviv aboard the orbital research facility. 
“Ultimately we’ve no idea how she ended up there” said Mr Shuttlecock “but it appears to have been a series of mix-ups and misunderstandings that are so complicated you’d need to be some sort of rocket scientist to get your head around it” 

“Our priority now is to get her back to Earth as soon as possible” he added.

The news comes just weeks after it was revelaved that TV presenter June Sarpong was accidentally placed aboard the Parker Solar Probe, which was launched in 2018 and is currently hurtling towards the sun at 430’000mph on a one way mission to collect valuable data from our nearest star, due to the misinterpretation of a series of emails.


WORLD'S FASTEST
SNAIL DISCOVERED


Gardener Wesley Bunting blows minds after spotting speedy snail which could be sliding into this year’s Guinness Book of Records.

Mr Bunting, 72, has wowed malacologists after claiming to have found what must be, without doubt, the speediest snail in history whilst pottering about in his garden last week.
“I was filling my watering can up with the outside tap which is next to my back door” he told reporters. “As I did I noticed a snail on the wall of my house and remember admiring the lovely patterns on its shell”
“When the watering can was full I made my way to the top of the garden in order to give my prize winning begonias a well earned drink. When I got up there I couldn’t believe my eyes. The snail had obviously raced up the garden and was waiting for me on the edge of one of the plant pots. I almost fell over in shock”
Mr Bunting, from Macclesfield, went on to explain how he was so amazed that he needed a sit down so that he could do the maths.
“I worked out that my garden is about 50 metres long and I can walk it in about 30 seconds which means this snail must have slid down the wall and raced up the garden and overtaken me at an astonishing 1.6 metres per second or 3.7 miles per hour. Possibly even faster as I have no idea how long he’d been waiting for me”.
When asked if it could possibly have been two different snails Mr Bunting said “After about 45 minutes I wandered back down to the outside tap to check if the first snail was there, and it wasn’t which confirmed it without question for me”
Wesley went indoors and dialled 999 and asked to be put through to Norris McWhirter immediately.
“When I eventually got through to The Guinness Book of Records they also questioned whether there was any chance that there could have been more than one mollusc in my garden but after I explained just how similar they looked they took me at my word and that seemed to be good enough for them”.
Mr Buntings snail has blown the previous record holder out of the water and will be appearing in this year’s Record book published towards the end of the year.
“I’ve not seen him since” he added, before joking “he could be in France by now at that speed. If he is he’d better take care or he could end up as some seriously fast food” 
CHRIS KAMARA - "I CAN LEVITATE A COUPLE OF INCHES OFF THE GROUND

Ex footballer, Chris Kamara last night shocked fans by claiming that if he tries really hard he can actually hover a couple of inches off the ground for a few seconds.

The moustachioed pundit and football analyst made the spectacular claim via social media and explained how he’d always suspected that he may have the ability to float in midair but had never found  the time to practice.
“Since being in isolation due to the Covid19 quarantine I finally decided to give it a jolly good crack and was thrilled to discover that I could indeed defy gravity and suspend myself about 10 centimetres off the floor for about 3 or 4 seconds at a time” he said in a video to his 22 thousand followers.
He went on to explain that he performs the miraculous feat by scrunching his eyes closed, gripping his fists really tightly and muttering abominable incantations which temporarily make his body a conduit for ancient Sumerian gods who use his soul as a portal to pass into this dimension from their own in Neolithic Mesopotamia.
“It’s a great party piece and I’m really looking forward to wowing the lads with it down the pub…when they finally reopen” he said before bursting into flames.

LOCKDOWN 
BY
FASHION
GLOVES




Available on Spotify 
JEREMY
CL-ARK-SON

Ex Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has sensationally claimed that he’s been visited by God and instructed to build an ark in preparation for the forthcoming apocalypse. 

Talking at a press conference yesterday, the presenter and columnist revealed that The Creator Of All Things visited him in the garden of his large family home in Chipping Norton and told him that he must build an enormous wooden vessel large enough to hold two of every single animal species on the planet.

The contentious petrolhead, 59, admitted that at first he’d assumed it was a wind up. “To be honest I thought that it was probably just Hammond or  May in a costume trying to prank me for our Amazon Prime show, The Grand Tour” he said. “But after the bearded figure performed a couple of miracles with a deck of cards and an enormously long handkerchief I realised that I truly was face to face with the Alpha and Omega” he continued.

The task of building an ark to survive a biblical flood was most famously completed by Moses in the Old Testament. For the past few thousand years nobody has had to tackle what is generally considered to be one of the most challenging DIY projects anyone can take on single handedly.

“God told me that I have to build it on my own” claimed Clarkson “ and to be honest I’ve got no idea how I’m going to fit it in amongst my other commitments of pissing about in sports-cars and writing ill-informed gibberish for tabloid newspapers” he griped.

Clarkson admitted that he’s made a start but still has a long way to go if he’s going to get his bulky barge - which will need to be around about the size of The Isle of Wight - completed by the deadline of November 2020.

“It’s a nightmare” he said. “I’ve already cleared out the timber section of almost every branch of B&Q in Oxfordshire but I’ve still got nowhere near enough wood to even make a start on the hull”. 
“I’ve done the maths and apparently there are about 18.7 million species on the planet and I need to find two of each. Also, I’m obviously going to have to keep them in separate cages if I don’t want them all fucking and eating each other before God initiates his apocalyptic wrath…I could really do without this” he continued.
When asked how he plans to feed all of the animals the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire simply put his head in his hands and confessed that he hadn’t even considered that yet.

He has however started collecting animals and told reporters that he’s cleared out his local branch of Pets at Home and made arrangements with a local farmer regarding a couple of sheep and a cow, but when it comes to more exotic species he knows he’s got his work cut out for him. 
“I’ve been online and I’ve got no idea where to find a Honduran White Bat or a Patagonian Mara. Frankly at this point I don’t care if they all drown” he snapped.

When asked how he’ll power his ark Clarkson joked that it will literally have more horsepower than anything he’s ever driven owing to the fact that his cargo will contain over 350 equine species. “On a serious note I’ll probably strap a V8 engine from a Ford Cosworth because it’s an absolute beast and should have more than enough power to shift something that weighs… around 900 million tonnes”.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was asked his thoughts as to why Jeremy Clarkson might have been given the job of preserving life on Earth during one of God’s infamous smitings and said that he imagined it was some kind of punishment for Clarkson’s behaviour.
“I dare say it’s got something to do with with the terrible drivel that Jeremy has spewed out of his mouth throughout his career and may be connected to his recent climate change denials and snidy remarks about Greta Thunberg”. 

“God’s got a wicked sense of humour like that. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s told Clarkson that he needs to find a place on the ark for all the fish as well” he concluded.



ARKS A CELEBRITY
With an impending watery armageddon expected any day now, we asked 4 celebs how they’d go about the task of building an ark and protecting all life on Earth from another one of God’s infamous temper tantrums.

GEORGE CLARKE (PRESENTER AND ARCHITECT) 45
I’d bloody love the opportunity to build an ark. I could do it on TV and call it George Clarke’s Ugly Ark To Lovely Ark and we could clad half of it in charred cedar wood and give it some really expensive and bold yellow aluminium feature windows that scream “this is my ark and I don’t care who knows it”. Inside I’d make sure that when you stand by the front door you can see all the way through the entire 300 cubit space.
If we were really clever with the budget I’d try and ensure that every single one of the 18.7 million animal enclosures contains a kitchen island as well.

DAME ELLEN  MACARTHUR (SAILOR) 43
As someone who has broken the record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe I’m always on the look out for a new challenge and I’d love to see if I could beat my time whilst simultaneously looking after several million species of dangerous exotic animals. I’d probably build a twin-hulled ark in the style of a catamaran and use a gigantic sail to harness the apocalyptic winds and zoom across the limitless oceanic landscape with no fear of crashing into land. To be honest I’d be in seventh heaven.

CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE (FISH FINGER PEDDLER) UNKNOWN
If God asked me to do it then we’d all be trouble because, like him, I don’t really exist. Being a fictional character I’d be terrible at building an ark and collecting animals owing to the fact that I’m not real so nothing I do has any impact on events in reality. It would be very stressful because no matter how hard I tried to complete the challenge nothing would happen as I have no physical presence in this realm and am basically just a concept created in an advertising agency to help sell fish sticks to children. I just pray that when it comes to crunch the big man doesn’t choose me.

JESY NELSON (LITTLE MIX) 28
It would be great if God put me in charge of the ark because I’m already halfway through building one. Whilst I’m backstage and the other girls in Little Mix are doing interviews and practicing the dance moves I’m usually busy building my ark which I have taken from venue to venue by 4 Chinook helicopters. At the moment I’m busy sanding down the colossal 400ft rudder. The girls think I’m funny because I’m always going on stage with sawdust in my hair but it’s how I like to relax so I don’t care.




WOLVES TO BE REINTRODUCED TO BRITAIN'S HIGH STREET

Breeding wolves and bears in British shopping centres sparks debate about the rewilding of ancient species


For the first time in more than 1,000 years native bears and wolves are coming snout to muzzle with each other in the UK, but instead of finding themselves surrounded by the towering oaks of ancient woodlands, they are instead thriving in the abandoned shopping malls of the British high street.
European brown bears, thought to have become extinct in the British wilds in medieval times, and grey wolves – which roamed free until the 17th century are currently coexisting in several of the country’s most run down and unloved indoor shopping centres thanks to a radical new project devised by the government’s Department of Fish and Wildlife. 

Dustin Thunderthighs, the chief executive of the scheme, said: “We’d been looking for a suitable place to reintroduce some of these species for several years and realised that the baron and desolate landscape of the British high-street is in fact an ideal location. With more and more commercial units closing down due to the rise of online shopping we’ve found that certain species are flourishing.”
The project began in Fareham Shopping Centre,Portsmouth, where a pack of wolves were released in an abandoned branch of Mothercare and a family of bears unleashed into a deserted Snappy Snaps in January. Since then the pack has gone from strength to strength with only 24 human casualties reported so far.
“With hardly any shops still open in the arcade the wolves can pretty much keep themselves to themselves. Barely anyone actually leaves the house to go shopping anymore and anybody who does generally avoids being consumed by wolves so it seems to be a win win for everyone concerned” said Mr Thunderthighs. 
“We then introduced bears, wolves and a herd of elk into The Royal Victoria Place Shopping Centre in Tunbridge Wells and they did just as well with only a handful of people getting mauled to death or eaten” he continued.
Since then the scheme has been rolled out across the UK. The Callendar Square shopping centre in Falkirk, Stirlingshire, is now home to a thriving population of lynx and Eurasian bison and boasts  an impressively low 13 human fatalities whilst any visitors to The Broadmarsh Precinct in Nottingham will now be taking their life into their own hands whilst trying to avoid wild boar as well as cave lions, which haven’t been a part of the British countryside for almost 40’000 years.
Grantham Pelmet, 54, a shopper from Nottingham, said: “I think it’s a great idea. This would have all been woodland 500 years ago so I think it’s only right to hand it back to these dangerous bloodthirsty animals if people aren’t going to support the high-street and instead do all of their shopping on Amazon. If that means a few people get devoured by the gnashing teeth of these monsters then so be it.”
But not everyone was so supportive of the initiative. Yolanda Blunderbus, 73, from Preston was furious. 
“Well I think it’s a bloody daft idea” she said. “I used to enjoy pottering around the precinct with my friend Meryl until she was dragged into a boarded up branch of Tie Rack by an enormous bear and now I rarely bother”.
“I mean, it’s nice to see herds of bison grazing in the food court when you pop out for a wander around the shops but it just seems like the cons outweigh the pros.” She added.
With only 112 people losing their life to reintroduced carnivorous species so far this year it’s expected that a lot more indoor shopping centres will be reconnecting with their wild side over the coming years.


WOLF YOU BELIEVE IT?
Six things you never knew about wolves
  • In its lifetime a wolf produces enough sperm to fill 4 olympic sized swimming pools
  • If wolves could fly they’d be one of the most dangerous predators on Earth
  • Although it looks soft a wolf’s fur is so course it feels like sandpaper. If you are attacked by a wolf the best thing you can do is vigorously rub it’s pelt until it bursts into flames.
  • Wolf from the TV show ‘Gladiators’ got his name due to his fondness of curling one out into fresh snow.
  • To give you an idea how big a wolf is, if you stacked 993 wolves on top of each other then it would be roughly the same height as the Burj Khalifa in Dubai.

  • A wolf’s blood is highly acidic and can burn through the deck of a spaceship.
WHAT’S HE DONE NOW? WE PAY £5 FOR ALL YOUR WACKY  STORIES ABOUT YOUR DOZY FELLA

MAD HATTER
My husband Andrew is always game for a laugh. The other day we were at a wedding and he got hold of my mother’s big pink hat and started bopping away in it on the dance floor. Needless to say we were all  cracking up.
Karen Chudd, Kings Lynn

IT’S A PIZZA CAKE
Here’s my daft partner Tommy who tried to make me a cheesecake for my birthday a few weeks ago but lost the recipe half way through and ended up putting an entire block of cheddar in it. It tasted more like a Margherita pizza than a cake. Once I’d stopped crying we all had a right old chuckle about it. 
Pippa R Bandicoot, Isle of Harris

BEST OF THE WEST 
My hubby Fred was always acting the giddy goat and between 1967 and 1987 he killed and dismembered the bodies of at least 12 women and buried them in our back garden before eventually killing himself in HM Prison Birmingham.  
Rosemary W, Wakefield

DIRTY JOKES 
My husband Rory is always game for a laugh. A few weeks ago we went for a walk in the woods and he jumped into a muddy puddle and fell over on his backside. Me and the kids couldn’t stop laughing. We haven’t stopped talking about it since.
Leslie Mandrill, Kidderminster



HASTA LA VISTA...BABY!


Former Spice Girl shocked to discover that she has robotic hands.


Pop-star Emma Bunton stunned fans last night after claiming that she
appears to have mechanised hands constructed from some kind of titanium alloy and has no idea how they got there.
The singer, formerly known as Baby Spice (43) revealed that she made the discovery when cutting her finger chopping a parsnip at her luxurious home in Chipping Barnett.
“I realised something wasn’t right when, instead of bleeding, the wound revealed a glimmering cross-section of shiny metal” said Bunton in an emotional Instagram video to her 1.1 million followers.
The blonde mother of two went on to reveal how she continued to remove the flesh from her right arm with a flick knife only to discover that the entire limb appears to be a cybernetic endoskeleton constructed from some kind of futuristic, triple-armoured, hyper-alloy.
And the bad news didn’t end there for the former Heart radio Dj as a tentative prick with a pin suggests that it might be that same story with her left arm.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” she said through a veil of tears. “I have absolutely no recollection of getting robitic arms fitted and it just doesn’t feel like the sort of thing that you’d forget having done.”
The Spice Girl admitted that she should have known something was awry when she first noticed that she could pick up a cement mixer without even breaking a sweat. 
“When we were on tour, the girls would always come to me when they needed a jar of pickled onions opening or an iron door prising off its hinges so I guess I should have known something was going on.” 
Bunton went on to say that a trip to her local GP to organise an X-ray was at the very top of her to-do-list and admitted that her biggest fear is that she may discover that she is in fact a T-800 Terminator sent back through time to alter the course of history and prevent Skynet from becoming sentient and destroying all of mankind.

“It’s the sort of thing you hear about but just pray will happen to you. We’re just keeping our fingers crossed that there’s a simple explanation and it can all get sorted with a course of steroids or antibiotics” she concluded.