NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 95
I was going to review the entire, new 'Now That's What I Call Music' album but I couldn't handle it all in one go. The first disk has done God knows how much damage to my brain tank. Apparently I just spent all of last night staring out over a lake and crying blood which doesn't sound good, I can't even remember. Apparently local people saw me by the lake and now there's a rumour going around the area about a ghostly creature called the 'terracotta mist' who can stare into your soul and steal your dreams. Folklore has it that I can only be killed with fire and whoever eats my still-beating heart will be granted the gift of eternal life, so I can see that causing a few fucking problems in the future that I could do without.
Anyway, on with disk 2...
22 - DRAKE, WIZKID, KYLA- One Dance
Don't really know what to say about this one. It's void of all hope. It's very bleak and makes me think of something like raindrops drizzling down the windows of a nightbus or maybe an empty packet of Chipsticks blowing around next to a bin in the park. It's got nothing. How you can even manage to make absolutely no tune when you're essentially using musical notes and the 12-tone chromatic scale is actually quite an accomplishment. To arrange a bunch of different notes in order and still end up with something that sounds like a fucking fridge buzzing in a newsagents is nothing short of alchemy. This song could suck the colours out of a rainbow and turn them into soil.
23 - DJ SNAKE, JUSTIN BIEBER- Let Me Love You
I like the name DJ Snake. Did he come up with it when he was five years old and just try and style it out for the rest of his life? What a sad fucking cunt. I used to know a guy called DJ Snake, Darren Joseph Snake to be exact. He was actually an earthworm who'd sort of tried to rebrand himself as a snake. He used to slither around in a Moschino onesie and ray bans on. I honestly don't know who is the saddest prick out of Darren and this useless fucker.
Anyway, it sounds like the sort of music that would be playing all warped and muffled out of a Vauxhall Nova that had just crashed into a tree at 3am killing 4 teenage bell ends.
24 -FIFTH HARMONY- That's My Girl
This one sounds like Destiny's Child or something if all the members were clown cars instead of sassy women. I can imagine the lights going down at one of their concerts and everyone screaming as 3 clown cars drive on stage wearing thigh high, leather boots and start performing this song as all their doors fall off and loads of fucking streamers start shooting out of the exhaust pipes and shit. It's terrible. Even though it's one of the worst ones so far, it doesn't sound like all the others so it's got that going for it in its favour. Having said that it, just because none of the other songs sound like someone luzzing a bunch of trumpets down a stairwell does't mean that it deserves a fucking medal.
25 -SIGMA, BIRDY- Find Me
Sounds like it could have been a song in 'Frozen' if 'Frozen' was about a girl who goes on holiday with her mates to Ibiza and takes way too many pills, loses all of her money and her passport and then ends up getting convinced by two guys from Romford to make a porno with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier so that she can afford to get back home to Swindon...instead of a story about an ice princess or whatever the fuck it's about.
26 -MARTIN GARRIX, BEBE REXHA- In The Name OF Love
This is one of the laziest ones so far. There's barely any actual music. The main bit sounds a bit like a peacock that's been taken into a recording studio and had a hairbrush stuck up its arse. I assume that that's Martin's job in the band because it's Bebe who appears to be struggling to sing a tune over the top of Martin's experimental, avant-garde, avian, torture methods. I can imagine young Bebe was mortified when she turned up at the recording studio to find Martin clattering around topless and covered in his own excrement whilst recording himself throwing shoes at bicycles and interfering with birds. Still they made it onto the CD so fair play.
27 -NEVADA, MARK MORRISON- The Mack
A remix of one of the worst songs ever. It's basically exactly the same as the the old version but there's some bender warbling away in the background with a balloon full of helium. This is the sort of thing that makes me think that ISIS might have a fucking point.
28 -TIEKS, DAN HARKNA- Sunshine
I'd rather listen to a bag of Uncle Ben's Wild Rice sitting on a kitchen work surface than ever bother listening to this again.
29 -ZARA LARSSON- Ain't My Fault
Oh fucks sake, back to Rhianna again. Even Rhianna would probably assume that this was one of hers if you played it to her. Cack.
30 -BOB MARLEY AND THE WAILERS, LVNDSCAPE- Is This Love
Fine I suppose. At first I wondered whether Bob would be revolving in his grave so fast that he drilled through the core of the earth and shot out of Siberia and into space like a fucking rocket but, to be fair, it's not that bad. It's completely pointless and nothing pointless can ever be truly beautiful so this is definitely a waste of everyone's time and that's one of the best reviews so far.
31 -DIGITAL FARM ANIMALS - Millionaire
Well I don't like it. It sounds like what might go through your head if you'd just been thwacked around the head with a dildo
32-SNAKEHIPS, ZAYN - Cruel
Starting to struggle to get through this again. I keep getting dizzy and drifting in and out of consciousness. I just woke up and Chris Packham's got me on an intravenous, saline drip. Everyone's telling me not to carry on. This is the sort of song that would be playing on a dusty old radio in the back of B&Q on a rainy Saturday afternoon when you have to go in an buy some new hinges for the airing cupboard door. This would be the soundtrack to something as exciting as that. I had to listen to it 3 times just to try and get the gist. 100% bilge.
33-MATOMA, BECKY HILL - False Alarm
Already fucking heard this one, I'm sure. All these fucking songs are using the same instrument and I don't know what it is. It's like a digital hurdy-gurdy or something. It sounds fucking shite, but whatever it is and wherever you get them, they're clearly flying off the shelves like fucking hot cakes. I've heard people talking about having an ear worm - which I think means having a catchy tune stuck in your head. Well this is more like a having an ear worm-farm where your brain just turns into a big tank full of soil and worms.
33-GALANTIS, HOOK N SLING - Love On Me
Steel drums again. You only used to ever really hear steel drums being played outside Morrisons at the weekend. Once again this is utterly crap.
34-CHARLI XCX, LIL YACHTY - After The Afterparty
Fuck this, I'm out. Can't do it.