I don't know, something like Tim Bunting or Justin Richmond or something like that. Maybe something like Gareth Benny. You know just like a normal name really. Robert Glibb? The kind of name that sounds fairly standard but if you found out one day that he'd been arrested for fucking kids you'd be all like "Yeah that adds up I suppose, he sounds like a bit of a fucking paedo". And then you'd say something like "What is going on with this crazy world ?" and then just sort of turn around and carry on doing the dishes whilst shaking your head.
His name's Tim Bunting.
Doesn't really have one. He never had that many mates at school owing to the fact that his fingers were always covered in Wotsits and he used to do really odd things like the time that he shouted "MINGEPIG" at one of the donkeys during the school nativity play.
Some people at work call him 'Canoe' because of the time he capsized his kayak during a team building exercise in the River Avon. He was underwater for three minutes and technically died for about 40 seconds in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. People don't call him Canoe that much to his face because sometimes it makes him really angry and start crying and one time he punched Jackie so hard that both her shoes came off.
I guess he's about 40 to 45. When you consider that he doesn't even exist I suppose it doesn't really matter
Quite a thin and ratty face but at the same time not an unkind one. Weird little eyes though like piss-holes in the snow. He looks slightly haunted and has an abysmal little chin beard. Some people say he looks a bit like goat that's just found out that he's contracted hepatitis off a German prostitute if you can imagine such a thing.
Very nice. Lovely feet. Apart from all the fucking horrid blisters and scars.
HIS BEST MATE
His best mate was probably Dominic Wagstaff. They used to go fishing together and had a mutual interest in darts and hiking. Last time they went hiking they found a sheep that had got its head stuck in a barbed wire fence and when they tried to free it they accidentally slit the cunt's throat and when it died it voided its bowels all over Dominic's new shoes and he got so angry that he head butted a shed and gave himself an aneurysm and died. Tim Bunting didn't even go to the funeral because he was in court being tried for manslaughter on the same day which is well out of order when you consider that he didn't kill Dominic but i think the police were probably just confused as to why Tim had buried his body on the moors.
He's had a few girlfriends but they've all been fucking pigs. The one he's sort of hanging around with at the moment is a right big old unit and last time he had her over she sat on one of his new kitchen chairs and shattered the cunt into smithereens even though it was brand new and made out of fucking steel. When he was about 24 he went out with a girl who wasn't a revolting old boiler but she ended up moving to Riga to design dustbins for the Latvian government which is a shame because if she'd stayed then Tim's life might not have ended up being such a fucking shambles.
COMMONLY USED PHRASES
He always says "this is my old stomping ground" about places that he's been before, which is really annoying because he only ever goes to the same bloody places with the same fucking people every day. If you spend any time with him then you'll hear him say that about 3 times a week.
He also calls sausages "snossages" and always orders food in a sort of American-Cowboy accent which pretty much irritates the fuck out of everyone.
He's got a car but he usually walks to work. Sometimes he drives into the office on an imaginary motorbike much to the amusement of absolutely no one.
Pleasant enough but when you consider that he's not even real he really doesn't have the 'wow' factor. Quite a disappointing man.