for the rest of the year

2014------------------------------------MARCH 5th David Cameron shocks the country by getting a tattoo of a Ferrari F50 on his neck. "I don't know why everyone didn't see this fucking coming" he says, when asked about the decision on Newsnight  -----------------------------------------MARCH 27th Mice become more valuable than diamonds. For several days the entire country is in the grip of 'Klondike Mouse Fever' as the entire population prise up their floorboards and get into the sewers trying to cash in. The cost of mice plummets three days later ----------APRIL 4th Bruce Forsyth is killed in a bungee jumping accident ---------------------------------------------------------------APRIL 29th BMW release a new 5 door saloon. The 'BMW Huntley' features images of Soham murderer, Ian Huntley on the bonnet and hub caps as well as pictures of his victims etched into the walnut dashboard interior. The car sells poorly -----------MAY 10th A new type of soil is discovered in a field near Milton Keynes. The story dominates the front pages of the press for several weeks ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------MAY 31st Danny Dyer invades Poland in an M1A2 Abrams Battle Tank. He is arrested by police after killing almost 2 million civilians ------------------------------------JUNE 12th The new internet craze 'chop-your-dick-off' is outlawed by the government after 4 people die. Tributes are held for Sir Alex Ferguson who was the first to become a victim to the online phenomenon ------------------------------------------------------------JULY 16th J.K Rowling releases a new book called 'An Anthology of Instruction Manuals For Telephone Answering Machines 1990-2006'. The book does exactly what it says on the tin and becomes Rowling's least successful publication to date, selling only 19 million copies --------------------------------------------------------------------------------JULY 22nd Retarded farmer, 'Yarp Singleton' tops the UK charts with his 14 minute song about an egg. 'The Egg Song' goes on to sell better than any record  in history ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------AUGUST 31st Gary Linker's head bursts into flames live on Match of the Day ----------------------------------------------------SEPTEMBER 11th Being blind becomes trendy. Both Topshop and the Royal National Institute for the Blind strongly discourage young people from flying on the wings of fashion and taking their own sight with acid, chopsticks and guns -----------SEPTEMBER 13th A new law, which prohibits putting rollerskates on swans, is passed by the government. Ed Milliband calls the decision "an outrage" and claims he will not be abiding by it. He is arrested 4 days later in Kew Gardens -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------OCTOBER 23rd France is destroyed in a fire --------------------------------OCTOBER 30th Nike release a controversial range of trainers made from human flesh and are tried for war crimes after it emerges that the skin comes from Kosovan refugees which had been dug up from a mass grave. The UN described Nike as "very naughty"--------------------------------------------------------------------------NOVEMBER 22nd Something about an octopus------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 5th Jesus comes back------DECEMBER 6th Jesus fucks off again----------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 26th 18° / cloudy with a chance of rain / low pressure coming in from the East  ----------------------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 30th Through the miracles of artificial insemination and cloning, Jools Holland gives birth to himself live on national TV in Channel 4's celebrity version of their successful new Saturday night format-----------------------------2015 
a possible afternoon
with a worm

  1. Meet the worm
  2. Kiss the worm on the cheek/worm
  3. Offer the worm a drink/lunch/massage (offer to pay half of the bill)
  4. Chat with the worm. Have fun with the bastard
  5. Go for a nice walk around a National Trust garden/stately home
  6. Buy the worm something in the gift shop (pencil/pencil case depending on how well the date is going)
  7. Get off with the worm behind some bins
  8. Gin and tonic? Take the worm for a gin and tonic
  9. Get drunk with the worm
  10. Start crying and talking about all the problems you've been having with Lisa. Talk about the affair
  11. Get into an argument with the worm. Get unnecessarily aggressive and start being sick. Shout at the worm. Start screaming at the cunt as if you've completely lost your marbles
  12. Glass the worm with a bottle of WKD
  13. Get your coat and ask if the worm would like a lift home
  14. Drop the worm home and kiss the worm on the cheek again. Be the perfect gent
  15. Wave farewell to the worm
  16. Go home and have a wank and a long hard think about what you're doing with your life

a short history of
shit race horses 

Most of us know very little about our family tree much beyond our great grandparents (my great granddad was shot in the face and turned into a posh hat for some rich cunt), so it’s amazing to realise that the direct bloodline of a thoroughbred racehorse can be traced back through tens of generations.
There are thousands of these stupid, gangly, bastards born every year in Britain and each one can trace their ancestry back to just three horses.
Famous success stories like Nijinsky, Red Rum, Seabiscuit and Black Beauty may have benefited from centuries of incest and inbreeding but others haven’t been so lucky. Here, in a world first, we take a look at some of the poor fuckers who didn’t cut the mustard and find fame and fortune on the track.

Curl One Out was foaled in about 1780 and was tipped for the top after receiving a huge amount of investment from the Earl of Kent. However, things didn’t go to plan and it turned out that Curl One Out was a fucking idiot. In his first professional race he began ‘burrowing downwards’ at the starting pistol like some sort of gigantic, lanky, hamster. Three hours later, well after the end of the race, Curl One Out was at the bottom of a 30ft pit and continuing to dig his way towards the core of the earth and tragically, his jockey, Fergus O’Connel, had become trapped under a large pile of dirt and had sadly perished. According to eyewitnesses, at about 2am Curl One Out burst into flames and exploded like a bag of ham. No one knows why this happened but it cast a black cloud over the sport for many years to come.
(A commemorative statue of Fergus O’Connell can be found at the National Horse Racing Museum, behind the bins)

Bulimic Phil came last in every race he ever entered. Some critics said it was because his jockey, Brian Stacey, was blind and had a morbid fear of horses whereas others reckoned that the problem was with the horse’s penis which was over 7.5 ft in length and weighed as much as a fully grown nun. He was, however, immortalised in a series of explicit paintings by equine portrait artist, George Stubbs.
Either way, he was fucking rubbish.

Uncle Hooves The Carpet Horse was owned by flamboyant and eccentric horse breeder, Fabrizio Zodiak, who insisted that the best way to produce a winning thoroughbred was to raise it almost exactly like you would a human child.
Uncle Hooves… was given his own bedroom in the house as well as toys, clothes and even a sort of giant tricycle which he would ride around the vast estate like something from a particularly nasty, opium fuelled, nightmare.
Zodiak flew in the face of reason (and chronological, factual accuracy) by feeding the horse roast beef, gammon and Pop Tarts, despite the fact that Pop Tarts wouldn’t be invented for another 150 years.
Convinced that his plan would work (despite not testing it once) Zodiak put his entire estate on Uncle Hooves The Carpet Horse winning his debut outing at Cheltenham. In the first 3 seconds of the race Uncle Hooves… broke all four of his legs and died in the middle of the track like an old shoe.
Fabrizio Zodiak spent the rest of his life working as a male prostitute in East London.

THE MIGHTY KING was infamously disqualified from the 1857 Grand National after it was discovered that he was actually a donkey from a local farm wearing a horse costume made from muslin and suede. As far as plans to cheat the system go, it has to be up there as one of the worst. When the owner and trainer, Gavin Plough, was asked why he hadn’t put his efforts into creating a costume for a racehorse so that it might win a donkey derby he replied by chopping his own hands off and booting them into a nearby pond and saying the word “fiddlesticks” over and over again until he was arrested.
In court he was accused of ‘putting a donkey in a funny costume’; a crime, which, at the time, was punishable by death.
In June, Gavin Plough was hung, drawn and quartered.

Two heads are better than one? Well not for Captain Satan, the first two headed, Siamese twin, racehorse; thought to be a result of his parents being fed on a diet of uranium as opposed to hay. He never finished a race let alone won one, choosing instead to wander slowly into the crowd every time he heard the starting pistol, like some kind of mutant, bovine imbecile. He would routinely terrify spectators at every event inspiring them to fire their muskets at the beast and thrash him with their canes. Captain Satan died in an aeroplane crash in 1959 along with Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and ‘La Bamba’ star, Ritchie Valens.