NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 101
ANNUAL MUSI
REVIEW- 2018


I'm going to review the new 'Now...' compilation again.
This time I've invited my band along to help. We released a few tracks (I noticed none of them are on the comp) this year which has propelled us into absolutely nowhere and secured our place in musical history right alongside all the people who've never released anything. 

This is my third year reviewing the 'Now... ' compilations and I was absolutely fucking stunned last year to learn that the quality of pop music was, in fact, getting worse. I hold out zero hope that that trajectory has gone in any other direction, so I've had to dose myself up to the tits on Kestrel Super Strength and Herbal speed just to ensure that I'm just far enough removed from reality and ensure that the music won't send me into an anaphylactic shock like it did last year.
Let's go. This is all sort of your fault.

1 -LITTLE MIX FT NICKI MINAJ - Woman Like Me
Fuck this, I'm out....Changed my mind about doing the entire thing. 

TOP 10 CIRCUS FREAKS FROM HISTORY

1: ELLA HARPER - CAMEL GIRL
Called 'Camel Girl' because of the way her legs bent backwards apparently. She worked in a circus in Tennessee around about 1886.
I think unless you've got a hump on your back then you shouldn't really be messing about with the word camel. I'd probably have gone with 'Labrador Girl' or 'Crab Legs' or something like that.
She's got a face like a smacked arse but I suppose you would as well if you had to get about on your hands in the late 18 hundreds when everyone was still luzzing buckets of their own tod out onto the pavement.
Imagine her crawling into your window at night. That would be properly shit wouldn't it?

2: STEPHAN BIBROWSKI - LIONEL THE LION-FACED MAN
My first thought here is, why's he bothering to comb it? In terms of looking good and impressing the ladies, combing your own nose falls very firmly into the category of pissing in the wind.
His Mum fucked him off when he was baby apparently so he joined the circus in England and New York in the 1890s. Apparently he was a very well educated and gentle man, despite looking like a vision you might have if you inserted an entire sheet of LSD into your own eyeballs and broke into Sesame Street at night with your next door neighbour's dog.

3: WANG - THE HUMAN UNICORN
It can't be a coincidence that his given name is 'Wang' can it? I've got to be honest that if I had a kid with a massive erect penis sticking out of his head then I'd probably go with something like that as well for a name. I don't know why they've bothered giving him the 'unicorn' thing as a nickname. Wang does the job just fine.
I showed this picture to Martin Clunes and he said he'd like to rub baby oil over the horn thing and then try to squeeze a lemon over the bell end bit at the top. Honestly don't know what the fuck is wrong with that man.

4: JOSEPHINE CLOFFULIA - THE BEARDED WOMAN OF GENEVA

Fucking hell. Look at this bong-eyed bombshell. She's got it all going on. Brave topping it all off with 90's curtains as well. She looks like what might happen if you poured a pint of hot piss into one of those crime, photo-fit, computers and it spazzed out and came up with this. 
I know you've got to be careful these days about gender issues but there's absolutely no fucking way this is a woman.

5: MYRTLE CORBIN - THE FOUR LEGGED GIRL FROM TEXAS

Absorbed her twin in the womb and ended up with two little legs sticking out of her bits. From the twin's point of view it doesn't get much worse than that. Anyway, she joined a circus and made an absolute killing. The only thing you really need to know about her other than the fact she's got fanny legs is that she had 5 kids. 5 fucking kids. Her husband must have been absolutely insane. As soon as you display any interest in having sex with a pair of withered legs that are sticking out of someone's vagina I reckon you need to be locked up ASAP in my book.

6: JUAN BAPTISTA DOS SANTOS - THE MAN WITH TWO PENISES

Unlike the others on the list Juan didn't want to join a circus which properly pissed them all off because they'd have been dining out for fucking years on the mental shit that was going on with his downstairs mixup.
So he had two wangers sitting there and three ball bags and then God thought "actually I might stick another little leg down there as well" as if  it wasn't all bonkers enough. 
He's basically a batshit crazy, sex machine man, and he knew it. His extra knacker sacks meant he could just keep going and apparently he once had it off with a French sideshow entertainer called Blanche Dumas who also had an extra leg and shit loads of  cock sockets. If anyone had filmed that shit it'd make David Cronenberg look like fucking Beatrix Potter

 7 - EDWARD POSNET - THE MERMAN OF MILTON KEYNES

Born in Milton Kenyes in 1833, over 100 years before Milton Keynes even existed, the second son of Ernie and Philomena Posnet, Edward  was born a perfectly normal little boy apart from the fact that he had a fish tail, the face of a demon and a massive, pendulous pair of tits. By the age of 6, he spent much of  his life swimming around the local waterways and feasting on coots, mallards and kingfishers, which he would catch using a Supersoaker 5000 that he'd modified to fire poisoned darts. He stopped going to school at the age of about 10 because he would lick the other children with his leathery tongue and whisper predictions of their impending deaths into their ears when the teacher wasn't looking. He was never wrong and many of the children did indeed take their own lives almost exactly to the moment that Edward had predicted. Edward was also a star striker on the school football team although details about this are sketchy and presumably not at all true.
Edward eventually joined a circus where he was killed, pickled and displayed in an oak display case. He can still be seen on display in the Milton Keynes Central Station branch of Pizza Express and rumour has it that if you touch his nipple and make a wish then you'll disappear for a few seconds before reappearing as a screaming old man and bursting into a cloud of dust. In 2010 this was proved to be true and Pizza Express have since promised to keep a closer eye on their customers interfering with the wall-mounted, fossilised, abomination to God.

8 - ISAAC SPRAGUE - THE SKELETON MAN

Obviously we've got Victoria Beckham these days so this isn't that amazing, but back in 1841 this was quite something. Apparently normal until twelve then all his fat muscles just fucked off. A real kick in the teeth for anyone who doesn't want to have to live in a Victorian Circus and then die. Most people I'd have thought.

9 - GRACE MCDANIELS - THE MULE FACED LADY

She doesn't really look like a mule. I honestly don't know if you can be more offensive than that to a horse. Me and my mate Simon Famish (a badger) once saw a horse that looked a bit like this I suppose, but that was because Simon had just booted a wasp's nest into the cunt's face because the horse had kept saying that badgers all had fat arses because they let farmers bum them in exchange for biscuits. In Simon's case this was in fact true but the horse should have known when to leave it.
Anyway, Grace had kids as well which is mad. I don't want to be out of order so I'm going to give her a compliment sandwich.
a)I like how her mouth looks like a hamburger
b) She's going to give me the sort of nightmares where I wake up crying blood tonight I reckon
c) That's a nice dress

9 - EDWARD MORDAKE 

 Edward was born with a face on the back of head. The face couldn't eat or speak and they thought it might be blind, but it would sneer and scowl when Edward was happy and would laugh and smile when Edward was sad. Edward asked the doctors to cut the cunt off  because it used to whisper things to him at night that "one would only speak about in hell" but the doctors said they thought it was funny so they wouldn't do it. It would probably be quite annoying having someone strapped to the back of your skull if you liked them, but Edward thought this guy was an absolute fuck lord so he must have found it well annoying. 
If you look at the picture you can see that he gave him a little haircut though and he obviously hasn't ever heard of a hat. I'd have grown my hair like Lil Wayne and bought a beanie made out of lead, but perhaps when you have a demon living just behind your own ears, it's best to just meet him halfway for a quiet life. 
Anyway Edward begged for them to smash this wanker's face in "lest it whisper to me in the grave" but everyone had become accustomed to the demon now and used to enjoy giving it snouts and flicking monkey nuts into its eyes when Edward was down 'Spoons.
Edward did himself in at the age of 23. The face went on to become Secretery Of State For Education, Michael Gove.
THE BEST
FOOTBALL MASCOTS 
2019 

Name: Gnawvax
Team: Partick Thistle
Terror Score: 8
About: Partick Thistle got the idea for their new mascot after their goalie, Ted McCluster, described a vivid dream he had had after taking peyote and bingeing on a Simpson's boxset following the death of his dog. He described the terrifying scenes as the demon crawled out from his TV and dragged him through a portal where he was slowly devoured, atom by atom, by the yellow rascal. 
"After that night all I could see was darkness", said McCluster in 442 Magazine.
The result was Gnawvax, a mascot that can really strike fear into the hearts of Thistle's opponents.
Ted McCluster committed suicide with a banana after a brief spell in an Aberdeen Psychiatric Unit.


Name: Filthy Gary
Team: Scunthorpe United
Terror Score: 4
About: The only mascot in the premiere league to have started his life in the porn industry, Filthy Gary was found in the back of a shop that sold bongo mags and big rubber wangers under a flyover on the outskirts of Scunthorpe
Rumour has it that his whiskers were pulled out by legendary adult film star, Ron Jeremy whilst filming a particularly niche scene in the film 'Big Natural Wank Rabbits 4'. The online chat forums on the Scunthorpe United website constantly feature petitions to replace the mascot with something more sanitary. Though some fans use the chatroom to buy and sell videos from Filthy Gary's saucey back catalogue.



Name: Billy the EDL Goat
Team: Southampton F.C
Terror Score: 7
About: When it comes to gruff, it doesn't get much more so than this intimidating little customer. Jumping on the 'Brexit-Britain' bandwagon, Southampton have come up with the sort of mascot that says "first I'm going to free Tommy Robinson, and then we'll have a lovely game of football"
This militant Billy Goat comes with his own backstory according to Southampton's website. He's spent the last 10 years in the slammer for burning down his local Post Office and now he parades up the Southampton coastline, armed to teeth and protecting the shores of Britain from foreigners.
Some people have criticised Southampton for Billy The EDL Goat, particularly considering that they only have 3 English players in their entire squad. 
Manager, Mark Hughs, has refused to comment


Name: Dr Javier Fetlock, The Magical Satanic Horse
Team: Huddersfield
Terror Score: 8
About: When it comes to innovation, Huddersfield have really broken the mould this year they as they unveil 'Dr Javier Fetlock, The Magical Satanic Horse', not just a mascot, but also a game in his own right. 
Each fixture, the horse is instructed to hunt out a young child, gallop over to him or her and stand directly in front of them at an intimidating proximity that will undoubtedly get right into the child's dreams. 
£10'000 a week and 4 season tickets are up for grabs for any youngster who can successfully ignore the unhallowed equine for the full 90 minutes whilst it whispers diabolical verses about their parents inevitable death into their ears in a terrifying, slow, drawl.
Chairman, Dean Hoyle, has said " I don't expect we'll be giving much money away. Far more likely that the little fucker will lose his composure, wet his pants and then I expect it'll be an awkward drive home from the game for the entire family as Dad loses his rag. It's going  to be wonderful".


Name: Jim Scrote
Team: Burnley F.C
Terror Score: 3
About: Due to a communication mixup between the club, the mascot designer and someone shouting "You're Bollcoks!" out of a van window, Burnley F.C will be starting the season supported by unlikely mascot, Jim Scrote, a pair of knackers that have magically come to life and, as legend has it, live beneath the turf, raping all the ants. Ok Burnley, if you say so.  


Name: Haunted Paul
Team: Macclesfield Town
Terror Score: 7.5
About: Inspired by a story in the early 1800's about a man who got stung in the face by a wasp spider and lived in a barn in the Peak District just outside Macclesfield until being discovered by an unfortunate farmer and going on a 4 day murder bender with a sledgehammer until finally being caught waterboarding an old lady with his own blood near Congelton, the story of Haunted Paul is one regaled to children on Christmas Day every year around the Cheshire and Derbyshire border. This year Macclesfield Town are finally adopting him as their mascot. About time too.


Name: Hugo Tryst
Team: Yeovil Town
Terror Score: 9
About: Terrifying yet true, Yeovil Town's mascot may look like a costume but is, in fact, local retired butcher, Hugo Tryst who, in 2009, underwent a medical procedure that sadly went wrong causing his head to swell up like a pig's underpants. His lips and nose ballooned into a freaky, cartoonish monstrosity that left surgeons around the world stumped. People say that beneath his hat you'll find his old face screaming up into the black void, though this has been strongly denied by several medical professionals. 
Hugo now has to wear special diving boots issued by the local council which prevent him from running away and attacking people.
Every match day he is sedated and 'released' to meet the fans and cheer on the his beloved team from the sidelines, always with at least four M16 sniper rifles aimed at his head from the rafters.