"THERE ARE A LOT OF DEAD KIDS IN EAMONN HOLMES' BIN FOR SOMEONE WHO ESSENTIALLY ISN'T IN PRISON."
A FEW FILM IDEAS :
IDEAS I'VE HAD THAT I THINK WOULD PRETTY MUCH RAKE IT IN AT THE OLD BOX OFFICE.            
...FILM IDEAS BASICALLY

TIME WOLF (15)  
I've had this idea for a film where I play a wolf that can travel through time solving crimes. Think Doctor Who meets Lewis/Morse (meets a wolf).
I'd basically fly through time, a complete law unto myself, and duff up criminals like a right proper maverick.

I could have a sidekick played by someone like Konnie Huq or perhaps even the fat one from Little Mix.
I wear a bomber jacket for most of the film.
At the end I do this thing where I spark up a cigarette and say something like "Time for dinner" before walking off up the canal.
The main baddie should be played by Felicity Kendal. That's pretty much a deal breaker.

CLUNES IN SPACE (18 - Because of the bit where he's wanking)  
In this film, Martin Clunes (played by Alan Rickman) is an astronaut who gets lost in space. He lands on an unknown planet and wanders about trying to find civilisation. After a couple of days he hasn't found anything apart from a bunch of rocks and he dies.



There's no talking in this film and it's shot in real time.
It's also in black and white.
Quite an arty little customer this one.



DENNIS THE BIN NINJA (18) 
Haven't really sorted out the nitty gritty in regards to the plot of this one, but thought it might be nice if there was a scene where someone kicked a dog into the side of a greenhouse and cut it's throat open.



THE FROG CHAMP  (12
A gripping thriller in which a frog (called Adam Varnish) gets trapped in a knackered old bath and struggles to climb out. Very CGI heavy.

Soundtrack by Enya.
Ideally I'd like this to be the most expensive film ever made.

HARD BOILED MURDER (18) 
Sort of cashing in on the whole 'Saw' franchise, a man (Pierce Brosnan) goes around killing people with eggs (not sure how/why. I suppose in one scene he could feed someone fucking loads and loads of the buggers). The film will be very gritty. There's a bit about racism in it and even a scene where you see a couple of bent fellas going at it hammer and tongs. 


SISSONS (PG)
A feature length documentary about the life of the news reader Peter Sissons narrated by my mate Keith Rice (a grumpy badger).


Think 'Senna' (but about Peter Sissons instead of Ayrton Senna)






39G DOWNERS ROAD, DALSTON
£880pcm 
Breathtaking apartment with hardly any damp/smears.
Just minutes away from nearest pavement.
Comes with free radiators and light bulbs (neither in working condition).


23 ‘THE CABIN’, IN THE WOODS, BEHIND HOMEBASE
£1100pcm
Sophisticated bachelor pad in the middle of the woods with stunning view of electricity pylon.
Fully furnished with various metal tables and trays of surgical equipment.
Ideal for first time killer/rapist.


‘THE NEST’, REGENTS CANAL, ISLINGTON
$80 900
Grade 2 listed nest for sale. Great first time buy for a family of swans/humans.
This unique ‘thatched’ property has been built from sticks, weeds, packets of Wotsits, Johnny bags and various other shit. Steeped in history, this nest was once part of a murder investigation after police found a kettle containing six human penises in it in 2004. Always going to be an interesting talking point over the dinner table. (dinner table not included/recommended).


ROYAL HOUSE, HOUNDS COURT, LAMBETH
£890pcm
Flat share opportunity for open-minded tenant in this charming, detached and extremely characterful property.
You’ll never be lonely again sharing a room with 12 bin men and their dogs. No smokers.


'THE BUCKETS', HAMPSTEAD HEATH, 
£430pcm
Beat the recession with this exciting and portable housing option. Pop the bucket on your head, lean against a tree and you'll be magically whisked away to spend the night in the house of your dreams (best used in conjunction with heroin). This charming property really is as good as your own imagination. AN ABSOLUTE BARGAIN!
(A good coat is recommended if you don't wish to be killed by the winter frosts). 

AN EXTRACT FROM chapter one of MY EROTIC NOVEL

: NOT REALLY GOT A TITLE YET. IT'LL PROBABLY BE SOMETHING QUITE ABSTRACT AND, SORT OF, POETIC.  IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU PICTURE A  MINGE IN YOUR MIND'S EYE (OR EVEN A GREAT BIG COCK AND BALLS).

I WANT THE FRONT COVER TO BE OF ME, SAT IN A SHED, STIFF AS A POST AND LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW AT A MAN IN DUNGAREES BUMMING A HERON UP AGAINST A TREE OR SOMETHING.
(I'D ALSO LIKE THE FRONT COVER TO BE DONE IN COLOURING PENCILS BY SOMEONE WHO, THOUGH NOT SHIT AT ART, WOULDN'T GET, SAY, MUCH MORE THAN A GRADE 'C'  IN THEIR A -LEVEL ART EXAM). 


CHAPTER 1 

'...She looked at me vacantly from behind the bins. Under the dull, flickering glare of the street lights she silently licked some leftover yoghurt out an old Crunch Corner that was covered in bees. She looked distant, as though a piece of her had been lost. Occasionally when the headlights of a passing car rolled past and illuminated her face, she would look over at me knowingly. She could tell I was staring at her but she didn't seem to mind. She craved the attention. This was the first time I'd ever met Brenda Stout, and, even though we were in a dank alley behind Greggs in Dalston, she was, without doubt, the most beautiful fox I'd ever seen. If I'd have known that three days later I'd be banging her from behind with my pork sword until her arsehole looked like a sandblasted tomato then I think I'd have fallen down with joy and wept right there and then. For now however, it was time to turn on the charm. I walked over to her all smooth 'n' that  and told her a funny story about my penis. She cackled so hard that she farted , startling a cat and making it fall off a Ford Mondeo...'



I can't help worrying about this bloody title. 
i keep thinking that there's got to be something in the fact that cunning and cunnilingus sound so similar ... something like 'cunnilingus as a fox' or something maybe. but then i'm thinking that 'fox' rhymes with 'cocks' as well and i'd quite like to, sort of, get that in there as well.



MISERABLE SWAN (20-25) seeks glum duck for gloomy walks up the canal and depressing relationship.

THOMAS FLASK (Kestrel) looking to meet other hawks for deviant liaisons involving stupidly large dildos (NO OWLS)

TROUT. Ideally looking for a partner called Bethany Keek if at all possible (any age). 

SUCK MY COCK! Bastard (Fox) seeks slag/slapper for abusive relationship resulting in a violent (bloody) murder.

LONELY HUMAN (male, creepy little eyes) seeks thick badger for midnight walks, snacks and a generally confusing relationship that will probably end in a lengthy jail sentence. Contact Cwis.

I'M AN EEL CALLED KEVIN PELVIS.  I'm 34 and I look like a knackered old hose pipe. I'm looking to meet someone who enjoys swimming up and down the river sucking up silt and getting swept down weirs. I also have aids.

WASP seeks bee for pointless afternoons spent trapped in the shed, banging into the window.

ECCENTRIC OTTER (76) looking for a relationship with an animal, human or other. Last wife was an old shoe and it didn't work out. (NO SHOES).

RAPE VICTIM (Fox). Raped a few weeks ago by Adrian Chiles in the middle of the night. Looking for tentative relationship that doesn't really go anywhere. Lots of tears guaranteed. Call Gus.

RAT (OLD / BENT) looking for that special someone. Must be fond of wandering through piles of old shit and eating all sorts of fucking crap out of bins. 



"HA. JUST SOLD A REALLY POSH RAKE TO A JACKDAW. 
IT WASN'T EVEN MY FUCKING RAKE."
FOR SALE - 2 WASPS

One called Ryan House the other yet to be named - Found in a spiders web - Both dead.
Call DDD - 003

FOR SALE - 1 X OLD BOOT
Left foot, size 13, laces included, minor damage and possibly haunted - $4.50.
Call Gus - 732

FOR SALE:  OWL PELLETS 
Various sizes and ages - A general mass of undigested bits of food (plant matter, bones, fur, feathers, bills, claws, teeth etc) that I've regurgitated in the form of a filthy pellet. - Starting at $300/lb
Sexy Chris - 909

WANTED: PHOTOGRAPH OF GARY LINEKER SAT ON A PARK BENCH, TUCKING INTO A TWIX / TOFFEE CRISP. 
Also interested in photographs of dogs with their heads stuck in bottle banks - Will pay up to £25 000
Call Clunes - 667

LOST - KNACKERED OLD KETTLE FULL OF BEES 
White, plastic and covered in muck. Full to the brim with bees. Great sentimental value. 
If found please return to Jeremy Paxman - 856

MAN WITH A VAN
Man (thrush) with a van (twig) - If you need a van (twig), then I'm your man (thrush)
Call Paul Baxter - 980

FOR SALE - A PROSTITUTE'S WIG
Brown, stinks, covered in bits of Alpen. Once owned by TV's Cwis Packham. Buy before 30th November and receive a free bag of dog dirt.
Call Vile Clive - 021

"I JUST SPIKED A BIRD BATH WITH GIN. NOW ALL THE SPARROWS ARE FUCKING AND FIGHTING AND CALLING EACH OTHER CUNTS". 
A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH THE BIN MAN  


BINMAN: Alright.

GUS: Alright.

BINMAN: You're a fox. That's right isn't it?

GUS: Yep. That's right.


BINMAN: I can tell because you're ginger and you're walking on all fours.

GUS: ...Um...


BINMAN: You're up early.

GUS: Yeah well I'm just having a root through the bins. Seeing if there's anything that tickles my fancy. When the sun comes up I usually fuck off back to my stinking pit.

BINMAN: Would you like to see my penis? I'll get it out for you if you like. I don't mind.

GUS: Come again.

BINMAN: Would you like to see my penis? I'll get it out for you if you like. We could go and have sex behind that skip that's full of bricks and bits of scaffolding.

GUS: No thanks...That...I don't want to do that cheers.


BINMAN: I found a bag full of vaginas this morning

GUS: What?

BINMAN: I found a bag full of pig's vaginas in Philip Schofield's bin this morning. The whole place stank to high heaven. I could give you one.


GUS: You could...

BINMAN: I could give you one. Fish it out from the back of the truck.

GUS: And... I mean obviously I'm interested. Is there any way of doing this whereby I get my hands on these pig's vaginas and I don't have to have sex with you? Or is that sort of a deal breaker? 

BINMAN: It's a bit of a deal breaker to be honest Captain.

GUS: Fair enough, fair enough. I'll meet you behind that van in a minute then. I'm just going to pop over behind that cement mixer and get my shit together.