I was going to review the entire, new 'Now That's What I Call Music' album but I couldn't handle it all in one go. The first disk has done God knows how much damage to my brain tank. Apparently I just spent all of last night staring out over a lake and crying blood which doesn't sound good, I can't even remember.  Apparently local people saw me by the lake and now there's a rumour going around the area about a ghostly creature called the 'terracotta mist' who can stare into your soul and steal your dreams. Folklore has it that I can only be killed with fire and whoever eats my still-beating heart will be granted the gift of eternal life, so I can see that causing a few fucking problems in the future that I could do without.
Anyway, on with disk 2...

22 - DRAKE, WIZKID, KYLA- One Dance
Don't really know what to say about this one. It's void of all hope. It's very bleak and makes me think of something like raindrops drizzling down the windows of a nightbus or maybe an empty packet of Chipsticks blowing around next to a bin in the park. It's got nothing. How you can even manage to make absolutely no tune when you're essentially using musical notes and the 12-tone chromatic scale is actually quite an accomplishment. To arrange a bunch of different notes in order and still end up with something that sounds like a fucking fridge buzzing in a newsagents is nothing short of alchemy. This song could suck the colours out of a rainbow and turn them into soil.

I like the name DJ Snake. Did he come up with it when he was five years old and just try and style it out for the rest of his life? What a sad fucking cunt. I used to know a guy called DJ Snake, Darren Joseph Snake to be exact. He was actually an earthworm who'd sort of tried to rebrand himself as a snake. He used to slither around in a Moschino onesie and ray bans on. I honestly don't know who is the saddest prick out of Darren and this useless fucker.
Anyway, it sounds like the sort of music that would be playing all warped and muffled out of a Vauxhall Nova that had just crashed into a tree at 3am killing 4 teenage bell ends.

24 -FIFTH HARMONY- That's My Girl
This one sounds like Destiny's Child or something if all the members were clown cars instead of sassy women. I can imagine the lights going down at one of their concerts and everyone screaming as 3 clown cars drive on stage wearing thigh high, leather boots and start performing this song as all their doors fall off and loads of fucking streamers start shooting out of the exhaust pipes and shit. It's terrible. Even though it's one of the worst ones so far, it doesn't sound like all the others so it's got that going for it in its favour. Having said that, just because none of the other songs sound like someone luzzing a bunch of trumpets down a stairwell does't mean that it deserves a fucking medal.

25 -SIGMA, BIRDY- Find Me
Sounds like it could have been a song in 'Frozen' if 'Frozen' was about a girl who goes on holiday with her mates to Ibiza and takes way too many pills, loses all of her money and her passport and then ends up getting convinced by two guys from Romford to make a porno with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier so that she can afford to get back home to Swindon...instead of a story about an ice princess or whatever the fuck it's about.

This is one of the laziest ones so far. There's barely any actual music. The main bit sounds a bit like a peacock that's been taken into a recording studio and had a hairbrush stuck up its arse. I assume that that's Martin's job in the band because it's Bebe who appears to be struggling to sing a tune over the top of Martin's experimental, avant-garde, avian, torture methods. I can imagine young Bebe was mortified when she turned up at the recording studio to find Martin clattering around topless and covered in his own excrement whilst recording himself throwing shoes at bicycles and interfering with birds. Still they made it onto the CD so fair play.

A remix of one of the worst songs ever. It's basically exactly the same as the the old version but there's some bender warbling away in the background with a balloon full of helium. This is the sort of thing that makes me think that ISIS might have a fucking point.

28 -TIEKS, DAN HARKNA- Sunshine
I'd rather listen to a bag of Uncle Ben's Wild Rice sitting on a kitchen work surface than ever bother listening to this again. 

29 -ZARA LARSSON- Ain't My Fault
Oh fucks sake, back to Rhianna again. Even Rhianna would probably assume that this was one of hers if you played it to her. Cack.

Fine I suppose. At first I wondered whether Bob would be revolving in his grave so fast that he drilled through the core of the earth and shot out of Siberia and into space like a fucking rocket but, to be fair, it's not that bad. It's completely pointless and nothing pointless can ever be truly beautiful so this is definitely a waste of everyone's time and that's one of the best reviews so far.

31 -DIGITAL FARM ANIMALS - Millionaire
Well I don't like it. It sounds like what might go through your head if you'd just been thwacked around the head with a dildo

Starting to struggle to get through this again. I keep getting dizzy and drifting in and out of consciousness. I just woke up and Chris Packham's got me on an intravenous, saline drip. Everyone's telling me not to carry on. This is the sort of song that would be playing on a dusty old radio in the back of B&Q on a rainy Saturday afternoon when you have to go in an buy some new hinges for the airing cupboard door. This would be the soundtrack to something as exciting as that. I had to listen to it 3 times just to try and get the gist. 100% bilge.

33-MATOMA, BECKY HILL - False Alarm
Already fucking heard this one, I'm sure. All these fucking songs are using the same instrument and I don't know what it is. It's like a digital hurdy-gurdy or something. It sounds fucking shite, but whatever it is and wherever you get them, they're clearly flying off the shelves like fucking hot cakes. I've heard people talking about having an ear worm - which I think means having a catchy tune stuck in your head. Well this is more like a having an ear worm-farm where your brain just turns into a big tank full of soil and worms.

Steel drums again. You only used to ever really hear steel drums being played outside Morrisons at the weekend. Once again this is utterly crap.

34-CHARLI XCX, LIL YACHTY - After The Afterparty
Fuck this, I'm out. Can't do it.

When it comes to pop music, I haven't taken a blind bit of fucking notice for about 15 years, since it all went 100% to shit.
The new 'Now That's What I call Music' compilation came out the other day and I thought I'd take this opportunity to do a track by track review so that you don't have to listen to it. 
My brain is going to be subjected to toxic levels of gibberish so please do not try this at home. I'm going to attempt to listen to the entire two and a half hours of this horseshit but I have medical professionals on standby (an owl in a stethoscope) should I start having a seizure and foaming at the mouth.
Let's begin.

1 - JAMES ARTHUR - Say you won't let go
Vaguely remember this lad from one of those talent contests a few years ago. He looked a bit like a bin man who'd just woken up from an induced coma. This song sounds pretty boring and sounds like something Ed Shearan might write if someone had just rugby tackled him to the ground and held a sock covered in paraffin over his face until his brains went fucked.

2 - LITTLE MIX - Shout Out To My Ex
This is that band with the one with the perfectly oval shaped head isn't it? Whenever I see one of their videos I always expect Johnny Wilkinson to run on and boot her fucking head off her shoulders. 
It's a pretty weird start to a song. Sounds like a woman armed with a Casio PT -80 keyboard having a nervous breakdown in an owl sanctuary. Doesn't stay like that for long though and then it turns into a load of bobbins until it fucking finishes.

I remember Sean Paul from ages ago and he's always been absolutely fucking ridiculous. Sean Paul does for reggae what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns. Anyway the rest of the song sounds like a Lilt commercial and that's alright I suppose. They say too many cooks spoil the broth and in this case too many is obviously 3 because its a load of old tod.

Fuck me, this is the fucking pits. From their band name you get the impression that they might be a DC hardcore band who are supporting Fugazi at CBGBs or something, but instead they sound like the official soundtrack to a rape in a van by a reservoir. You can almost taste the rohypnol on your tongue when you're listening to this bollocks. No, no...not for me thanks. 
If they are indeed chainsmokers then thank fuck for emphysema.

It's pretty boring but it's not that bad which is a shame because taking the piss out of Justin Bieber is like shooting fish in a fucking barrel.

Can't any cunt write a song on their own anymore? Don't know who Ariana Grande is but I've seen Nicki Minaj and she looks like she's got Hepatitis C. She looks like if you were in a small room with her you'd want to open the window a bit because your eyes would be stinging. Anyway it sounds like another shit, pretend, reggae song - again. They're performing it as if nobody remembers Rhianna which is fucking stupid because loads of people must remember Rhianna.

7 - SIA- The Greatest
I've heard of this one. She's that grubby little girl with the blonde wig isn't she? Like almost all of the other songs, this features, sort of, over produced, electronic, caribbean vibes and I keep having to check that I haven't put a Rhianna album on by accident. It's fairly tolerable but it sounds like all the other fucking shit. Cloned and mass-produced, McDonalds for the ears. Bollocks.

Yep, pretty much the same. Fucking boring. You might as well just shove a bunch of bread into your CD player and listen to that. I got so bored at the end that my nose started bleeding and began blacking out.

This is shit. There's a lyric in it about seeing butterflies in a zoo. Do you get butterflies in a zoo? Not a good zoo. I'm starting to feel poorly. Going to have a quick sit down and take 5 minutes out.

10 - M.O - Who Do You Think Of
More fucking calypso music played on steel drums and drenched in glitchy electronic beats and over produced gibberish. Sounds like what it would probably be like if you went to a Jamaican-themed-BBQ and got in a fight with some big lads and it all started getting a bit out of hand and one of them smashed a TV onto your head so hard that you were sort of wandering about with it sitting on your shoulders like a sort of TV robot but even though it looks a bit funny it's not because you've got all blood dripping down your neck and you can tell that your skull's been knackered. And then you fall into the swimming pool and start losing consciousness and basically slipping away into death. This sounds like that.

11 - NEIKED - Sexual
Against all odds this is also basically just electronic, steel drums. And like all the other songs so far it's basically a big pile of doggy doings.
Halfway through though, there's a really good 80's keyboard solo that makes me feel like I'm driving a motorboat around Florida in a white suit with Tom Selleck and I can get on board with that. That's about 12 seconds of good music so far. 

12 - ANNE-MARIE - Alarm
Honestly, same again. Another impression of Rhianna. I even think most of the lyrics are lifted directly off some of her songs as well. It's quite glitchy and it sort of reminds me a bit of having sex with an office calculator, which I have done and, by that, I mean that my mate Peter Glands once pushed one up my arse after we got into an argument about which was better out of nuts or bolts.

13 - OLLY MURRS - Do You Know Love?
Not 100% sure I can handle listening to all of this. He's a jammy cunt having any sort of pop success when he's got an octahedron shaped head. He looks a 'Mr Potato Head' that's been shopping in Burtons. He also looks a bit like a peanut that's been born with some kind of learning disorder. 
Right I've listened to it all and it's a big pile of gash. Totally pointless that it even exists.

14 - MØ - Final Song
Got excited when I saw that it said final song, so that's an annoying start. We've already had someone called 'MO' earlier didn't we? What the fuck's going on with that? This sounds like the sort of song you'd be listening to if went clubbing in Cambodia and some guy put amphetamines in your beer and you started going into the future. This is probably the sort of thing that would be playing at 4am when you started to come round on a beach and you had a ladyboy's bollocks resting on your chin.

14 - MAROON 5 - Don't Wanna Know
Jesus Fucking Christ, I thought this would be a bit of a laugh but I didn't really realise how every single song sounds exactly the same these days. What a boring time to be alive. If the kids don't start getting hammered and huffing Copydex again soon then you can kiss goodbye to individuality and sub-cultures. 
I'd rather listen to that song 'Move's Like Jagger' than this, which is weird because every time I hear 'Moves Like Jagger' I intentionally slam my jaw in the car door so that someone has to take me to A&E and I don't have to listen to it for another fucking second.

15 - JP COOPER - September Song
Opens with steel drums. This whole album sounds like the Notting Hill Carnival if it was organised by white, middle aged, double-glazing salesmen from Ipswich. 
This one's particularly bland, I started nodding off and swallowing my tongue and my mate Sexy Chris had to ram a shot of adrenaline directly into my heart to bring me back to life. Feeling fucking rough as arseholes now.

16 - SHAWN  MENDES- Mercy
Don't know what business this little queef has holding an electric guitar on his album artwork because I can't fucking hear one. This song is the musical equivalent of two brothers fiddling with each other's willy's in their bedroom and then feeling really guilty about it when they go downstairs to sit down and have fish fingers and chips with their Mum. This basically sounds like that situation in music form.

17 - ELLIE GOULDING - Falling For You
This song is apparently in the new 'Bridget Jones's Baby' film that I didn't go and see because I was busy doing absolutely anything else in the entire world, ever. This song's quite boring. Pretty anthemic though and sounds a bit like it might be a track in a really shite Disney film about a mushroom that falls in love with a twig or some shit.

18 - EMELI SANDE - Hurts
It sounds like they've got a dog playing drums on this one.
It's a bit like a James Bond song that's been written by a bunch of wasps and performed by a dog, with Emeli Sande trying to sing over the top of it.

19 - MICHAEL BUBLE - I Believe In You
Can't stand doing this anymore. This one's causing by brain to bleed. It's so boring that I genuinely considered killing myself just to make it stop but then I remembered I can just press the 'off' button.

20 - CRAIG DAVID - All We Needed
Craig David's still going? Fuck me. This one's quite sad. I can imagine Craig writing this one in his little bungalow in his Minions pyjamas that are all covered in Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle stains. And he's just  sat there looking at his framed gold disks, from when he was famous, and they're just leaning against the skirting board all covered in cat tods. And he's sat there boshing this tune out on a little Yamaha keyboard and recording it on his little brown Fisher Price cassette recorder and then he pops the tape in an envelope and sends it to his old record label who couldn't give a fuck anymore.
Anyway, good for him.


Right I can't handle doing Disk 2. I'm only going to do disk 2 by popular demand so sod it.



My mate Jonty popped into the future to find out what's going to happen on Monday 23rd January 2017. Here's his blow by blow account.


06:00 - Donald wakes up and sheepishly pulls back the sheets. He's wet the bed . He stands against the bedroom wall on the brink of tears and clutching his cuddly puffin, Dr Bilko, whilst the house staff change the sheets in baffled silence and Melania struggles to get him out of his soiled pyjamas. 

06:06 - Donald meets with his chief of security, Mike Baxter, and wanders down the stately corridor of the Whitehouse's East Wing where he is introduced to the twelve strong kitchen staff who work on rotation 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their first job; breakfast for the new President.

06:015 - Donald sits down with his bowl of Froot Loops and watches his video tapes of 'Mork and Mindy', snorting and howling as milk shoots out of his nose, all the while fiddling with his willy through his jogging bottoms, all the while tugging and pawing at his little peanut whilst shrieking and snorting in delight at Robin Williams, eyes trained on the TV screen as he shovels the brightly coloured pebbles into his big orange face, only occasionally averting his gaze to check that his die-cast models of Thomas the Tank Engine are still by his side on the breakfast table and arranged in the correct order, favourites first and with Toby furthest away. Toby the disgusting Mexican cunt.

07:21 - Donald wanders to the Oval office, arranges the things on his desk and decides to phone the Secretary of State, Colin Powell, unaware that Colin Powell hasn't been been in office since 2005 and was in fact the Secretary or State for George Bush Jnr. Powell tries to explain this to Donald but Donald loses interest after a few minutes and hangs up the phone, choosing instead get down to the important business of making the Oval Office feel a little bit more like home. He starts by replacing a painting of the eighteenth president, Ulysses  S. Grant, with a picture of a woman with her tits out on the hood of a Lamborghini Countach. 

07:55 - Donald puts on a pair of shorts and pulls on his outdoor trainers and runs into the garden to play. He spends the best part of an hour exploring the undergrowth of the Whitehouse, unearthing stones and picking up creepy crawlies, practicing his handstands on the plush green lawns and skulking around the large sycamore trees with his spud gun pretending to shoot black people.
Whilst in a rhododendron, Donald reveals the grave of the Clinton's cherished cat, Socks. He quickly goes about the task of exhuming the bones of the stately feline and has them Fed Ex'ed to Hillary Clinton along with a memory stick containing a low res JPEG of one of  his nuts.

08:49 - Donald has a meeting with the CIA who explain to him what they do and how their various departments operate, followed by a quick briefing on the current situations concerning homeland security.

09:55 - Donald goes for a ride on his bike around the block. Melania tells him he can't go to the rec as it's too far away and he has an important meeting in the war room with the head of  the US military at midday. 
Donald rides around the perimeter fence of the Whitehouse on his Raleigh Activator  flanked by 12 heavily armoured, black, Hummer H3 SUV's. It doesn't take long for Donald to hunt out trouble and before long he finds himself in an altercation with three local lads on bikes who refuse to give Donald any of their Reece's Pieces. Donald has the young boys arrested by the secret service and flown to Langley, Virginia where they're incarcerated and waterboarded for the next two weeks.

10:01 - Donald addresses America on TV from the Oval Office. He waffles on for several minutes before causing global outrage by calling Li Keying, the Premiere of the People's Republic of China, "a slope-eyed hunchback" and culminates the performance by imposing sanctions on New Zealand for being "a bunch of sheep-bumming bunty men".

11:07 - Donald has a meeting with his new Vice President, Mike Pence, in the 'Green Room'. Neither of them can think of anything to say so they sit in silence staring at their shoes for nearly an hour.

12:05 - Donald meets with members of the US military and they take the elevator down to the John F. Kennedy Conference Room also know as the Situation Room. Donald is sat down and introduced to the various screens and communication equipment that allows the President to keep America connected to everything that's going on around the globe and maintain command and control of US forces all over the world. Part of the initiation process involves introducing Donald to America's nuclear control panel.

12:06 - Donald falls face down, screaming onto the nuclear button. Every vein in his body bulges , sweat and saliva fly across his face like a tsunami and his eyes burst like 2 red eggs as he bears down on the button with all the force of a man trying to push it deep into the Earth's crust. With a primal scream he voids his bowels as the war room erupts into a cacophony of klaxons and flashing red lights as the full weight of America's nuclear arsenal is unleashed on every corner of the planet, eradicating every living thing in a ball of incendiary light. 

00:00 -


I met this guy in Clapton Pond about a year ago. He wouldn't shut the fuck up about wanting to get into acting and kept telling me that "the best way to become an actor is to write your own material". He was wearing a fucking scarf and pretending to smoke a pipe that was actually a bit of u-bend from a toilet that was still covered in tods.  He kept banging on about a play he was writing with Mario from Big Brother 9 about a horse that could turn into a shoe and that he was going to be playing a helicopter pilot called Cpt Winston Sandcastle. He told me that he'd already had a role in Game of Thrones but I did some research into it and it turns out that he'd just had a bit of his fluff shaved off and glued onto a hat by the costume department so I hardly think he has any business sticking that on his fucking IMDB page the unbelievable thundering cunt.

Never met this guy but my mate Colin Hong (a pigeon) went on a team building exercise with him and a few other members of the Urban Wildlife Advancement Team (UWAT) and he said he was alright and quite funny because he glued a bunch of snails to his face and ran into McDonalds and mauled a baby and it made Colin laugh so hard that both of his feet popped and turned little fleshy popcorn balls of nonsense.

This chunky fucker lives under a caravan in Epping and claims to be a bishop but he does all of his church services in a bath to a bunch of ants so he's hardly going to be making an appearance on fucking 'Songs of Praise' any time soon. 
I went to watch him do a sermon once for a laugh and halfway through he needed to have a shit and he actually had to call the midwife to come and sort the whole sorry business out. Apparently he only eats hard-boiled eggs and he's more backed up than the M25 after an overturned lorry in the Dartford tunnel. Apparently he has to have the midwife on speed-dial on his phone and he's almost died in childbirth 4 times just from toilet troubles. 
He's not wearing it in this, but he's also got his bellend pierced with this massive fucking ring made out of pig iron that looks like a door knocker from a castle or something. It drags behind him covered in soil and litter and he's constantly getting it snagged on every bloody thing he comes into contact with whilst his poor penis is taking a battering and looks like it's just done ten rounds with Tyson Fury. To cut a long story short, to call him a bit of a cock would be a massive fucking understatement.

I'll keep this short and sweet but Ian's trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records for "building the tallest hat out of acorns, by a squirrel, in North London" and so far it's only 3 acorns high. That should tell you everything you need to know about this cataclysmic fuckwagon.

Honestly, go and check it out in the credits or on IMDB or whatever. This is actually Martin Clunes. He can't get on TV for love nor money any more unless he's on ITV 7 talking about bumming dogs so he went to the casting of this John Lewis Christmas advert hoping that there might be a role for a middle aged, jug-eared, funny man but they told him that this year it was mainly going to be a bunch of animals bouncing around on a trampoline so he went away, chopped his arms and legs off, spent £35 000 on this hedgehog costume and went back and got the bloody part. To be absolutely fair on the cunt, it's a solid performance and he must be looking at some sort of industry award. If Daniel Day-Lewis and Christian Bale think that they're method actors then I'd love to see them take a Makita SP6000 power saw to their limbs and squeeze into a hedgehog costume for a 2 second appearance on a TV commercial. I bet they wouldn't have the minerals. Good old Clunesy I say.
What is a Brexit? 
No one really knows what a Brexit is, that's why everyone's been arguing and shouting about it for the past few months. Some people think that a Brexit is like a big shoe but made out of numbers and others think it's probably more likely to be an animal like a tortoise or a backwards woodlouse. Or it could be like a bit from inside a pen, like a spring or a little bit of metal or something. My mate Ivan Cuttlery thinks it's more like an abstract emotion like pity or guilt but with more of a vinegary smell. No one really knows.

What is the EU? 
The EU is like a nightclub in Brussels or Strasbourg or somewhere like that and we're all members of it and you can go there and drink wine and watch strippers and stuff like that but when you go in you have to spend at least some of the time doing some politics. Normally you write down some politics on a bit of paper and then you have to go and talk to the men in a special room about it and they'll make your wishes come true like in the Wizard of Oz. Sometimes the men will give you some money and tell you to take it back to England and drop it off at the hospital and sometimes they'll make you help them do things like kill people and bury them in the desert. 

What is a referendum
It's when an entire population of people who spend their entire life sitting on the sofa eating Findus Crispy Pancakes and watching gypos fingering each other on Big Brother think they can do a better job of running the country than the stupid gammon-faced twat they voted in to make those sorts of decisions for them less than a year ago, and even though old Spam Face and his Sultans of Satan are a right bunch of bell ends, there's not much point having a fucking government if you're going to vote on things based on what you've read in one of Emperor Palpatines wankrags. 

Who wants to stay in? 
Thick cunts like Professor Steven Hawking, Sir Richard Branson and The Governor of the Bank of England.

Who wants to fuck it off? 
Proper awesome legends like Keith Chegwin, Katie Hopkins and Donald Trump. People who you wouldn't give a fuck about if they got shot.
Also you've got Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage who all used to be marionette puppets who lived together in a box all wrapped up with string but were brought to life by an evil sorcerer (Paul Daniels). 

What will happen if we stay in the  EU? 
It'll sort of be the same as now. A bit shit.

What will happen if we leave the  EU? 
It'll sort of be the same as now for about 2 weeks and then all the bad stuff will start happening because people like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage will be in charge and they couldn't organise a fucking pencil case let alone recalibrate an entire economic structure. After about a year Great Britain will look like that Kevin Costner film 'Waterworld' and everyone will be running around fucking and fighting and there won't be any food so if you want to eat an apple you'll have to go into a big cage and fight for it with a spear against some other poor sod and you'll both be naked and your penis will be flopping about all over the place and you'll look absolutely ridiculous to say the least. After that you'll just spend the rest of your life driving around on a rusty motorbike with a a bunch of muscly men and you'll have to strap a skull to your face to cover up the fact that you keep crying.

What is Elmo from Sesame Street? 
I don't know. A red bear or something? Some sort of dog?

I don't know who the good guys are and who are the bad guys 
Well you sound like a right thick plum. It's pretty much the most obvious thing to decide unless you're borderline retarded.