ALPHA-CUNTY SPAGHETTI

Woman sueing canned goods manufacter for producing “tin of filth”

A mother of two is taking a well known tinned food company to court for selling a product that she claims has become “jam packed with curse words and explecitves” and says that she wants their brand of ‘Alphabetti Spaggheti’ removed from the supermarket shelves for good.


Brenda Foghorn from Didcot Parkway described how she used to enjoy making mealtimes more fun for her youngsters by using the tomato-based-pasta shapes to spell out little messages and funny words when they sat down for their tea.
“I’d used to write them funny little things when they got home from school” she said. “I’d spend a few minutes arranging the letters to ask if they had a good day at school or make a list of animals and stuff like that” she continued.

Brenda, who recently got divorced, said “I used to think it was quite an enjoyable and eductational additon to their supper but just recently some of the filth that’s been cropping up wouldn’t be suitable down the dockyard”.
Brenda, 41, whose husband has recently left her for a 19 year old Youtube influencer, went on to say - “not long ago the tins would contain the lyrics to Taylor Swift songs and stuff like that but just recently its been kicking out ‘cunt’ this and ‘fuckstick’ that - On more than one occassion I’ve had to scrape their entire dinner into the bin and order a Chinese”.
Now Brenda is taking the American food processing company - who sell 56 other varieties of food which isn’t litterered with vile profanities - to court.
“I’d like to see this rot taken off the shelves or failing that, I’d at least like some compensation for bringing this sort of filth into my household, especially as my husband and his new slut are currently refusing to pay any sort of child maintenance”.
The case continues.

DOGFISH NOW ELIGIBLE FOR CRUFTS

Kennel Club to allow tiny sharks to be displayed at prestigious dog show

The UK Kennel Club - whose job it is to oversee various canine activities- have today BOW-WOWED to ‘PIER PRESSURE from dogfish owners and stated that they will now be allowed to display their pets at next year’s Crufts show at the National Exhibition Centre. The sub aquatic creatures had been on a long list - along with American Pitbulls and Pyrenean Mastiffs - as not being recognised by the estemmed Kennel Club (which was founded in 1873) but following a lengthy campaign, they’ll now be strutting their stuff along with the best of them at the world famous dog show in 2023.

Spokesman for the organistion, Duncan Jowells said “we’re thrilled to finally recognise these creatures from the order squalidae, but its not going to be without its complaications”. “At the moment we haven’t decided what category dogfish will elligible for, but I suspect it will either be in the toy or pastoral” he continued.

However, some dog trainers aren’t happy with the decission. Dog breeder, Hetty Balbatross, whose Shetland Sheepdog competed in last year’s agility competition said “I think it’s a riculous decission. They’re already talking about flooding the entire venue with 2 million gallons of water, which is fine for the dogfish, but it’s going to make that bit where the lesbians dance with their dogs nye on impossible without lots of expensive scuba gear”. “If they want to the display their dogfish then they should drag them around in a little tank otherise it’s simply not fair on all the dogs which don’t have gills” she said.
Mr Jowell’s responded to the backlash by saying “we undertand that it’s going to be a bit of an upheaval, but it would be unfair on the 4 people that we know of in UK who keep dogfish as pets to deny them the opportunity to join in on the greatest show on Earth”.