NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 98
ANNUAL MUSIC REVIEW 


So, last year I thought it would be interesting to review 'Now That's What I Call Music 95' and, far from encouraging me to keep my finger on the pulse of pop culture, it made me more determined than ever to avoid the dreadful, dreadful horse-shit that people seem happy to have sluiced directly into their stupid heads these days. 
It was, without exception, the biggest load of bollocks I've ever heard in my entire life and it took me several months to get over it. It was like if someone had found a way to extract 'liquid Alzheimers' and have it melted down onto CD. It was like hearing 1000 dogs screaming and then opening your eyes to realise that you're underwater with your leg chained to a washing machine and you're being bummed by a cuttlefish. Actually it wasn't really that much like that.
In the first few weeks after listening to it I was essentially catatonic, staggering around parks drinking Kestrel Super Strength, only pausing every so often to vomit black blood into the undergrowth every time I recalled the song 'Do You Know Love?' by Olly Murrs.
After that I started to come to my senses and after a bit of exercise, rest and some time rebuilding my cognitive skills with the use of a new drug called 'Dr Apokalypses Gorilla Rampage Tonic' that I bought off my mate Jonty Panpipes, I started to feel a lot more like myself, but with more killings.
The other day I lost a game of 'wink at the van' against Cwis Packham and my mate Jason Hoofbite and they dared me to fucking do it again.
So here we go...

1 - CAMILO CABELLO, YOUNG THUG - Havana
It sounds like Rhianna learning to play piano in a church hall whilst a priest (with hiccups) hits an abacus with a badminton racket, and, to be fair, I think that's a pretty fair description of the entire music industry for the past decade. 
As I recall, last year's 'Now...' compilation was bursting with so many faux-Carribean tropes, it was like having your bollocks held in a vice-like grip by Sebastian the crab from 'The Little Mermaid' whilst the cast of 'Cool Runnings' luzzed cans of Lilt at your fucking head from a coconut tree. With this song however, some clever dick has remembered that, though still in the Caribbean, Cuba has a unique musical style that's overdue being ripped off by some talentless, bland cunt in America. I'm now bracing myself for the possibility that I might have to listen to some warbling bender jabber over the top of someone playing an Antiguan Nose flute or something.
Fuck this.

2 - POST MALONE, 21 SAVAGE - Rockstar
Quite a lot of swearing in this which I hate.
Never heard of this cunt so I just Googled him. He looks ridiculous. He looks like a Jewish Rabbi who's accidentally got himself extremely addicted to all known drugs. At best he looks like an Amish simpleton who's been fired into Topshop with an enormous catapult. 
The actual music is too boring to deserve a mention.

3 - SAM SMITH - Too Good At Goodbyes
Not good enough at goodbyes if anything. Must try harder. 
Is this what the kids are listening to? Have they never heard of Pantera?
This is as tedious as an old cow. Whilst I was listening to it I started looking at one of my claws and thinking about how weird it would be if my claw was full of tiny little penises and then when I came round I realised I'd eaten my paw off and pushed it down a drain and all the ducks were laughing at me. That doesn't happen when you listen to 'Rock You Like A Hurricane' by Scorpions does it?

4 - P!NK - What About Us
It's like Europop. This sound should have been consigned to the annals of history back in about 1995. It sounds a bit like the sort of music you'd expect to hear faintly pulsing out of a Lithuanian nightclub somewhere in the distance whilst you get buried alive on the side of a hill by a gang of sex traffickers in leather jackets. 
I wonder if that was what P!nk was going for.


5 - DUA LIPA - New Rules
I just listened to this track about 4 times to see if I could find anything interesting to say about it. Like the last one it's basically a synth sound that was briefly popular about 20 years ago accompanied by some girl warbling over the top with the unwelcome addition of what sounds like a van reversing throughout the entire chorus. After about 4 listens I started to quite enjoy it which means that it must contain some sort of subliminal, hypnotic, algorithms that brainwash people into liking it because there is absolutely no way that it isn't 100% fucking crap.


6 ED SHEERAN - Galway Girl
It doesn't sound like all the other stuff so far, and that's to its credit. However it does sound like a B*Witched B-Side. As far as Irish music goes, this is the worst 'Irish Song' that's ever been written. It makes 'My Lovely Horse' sound like 'Fairytale of New York'.


7- CHARLIE PUTH - How Long
The album artwork is ridiculous. He's sat on a bed sort of looking like he's just had an argument with his keyboard and now the pair of them are just laying there sulking. If I was his keyboard I'd probably have called him a useless cunt as well. Don't know who he is but his voice winds me up and I genuinely hope his head burts into flames. I genuinely mean that.


8 - CNCO, LITTLE MIX - Reggaeton Lento
It's like a really bad pop song that's been made worse by having Spanish guitars poured all over it like gravy made out of gonorrhoea  It basically sounds like leather trousers, it's the audio equivalent of the concept of leather trousers. From what I can gather it's basically Little Mix taking it in turns to choose which pair of leather trousers to be rohypnoled by in a bar in Malaga that's got bras hanging from the ceiling. After I listened to this I started getting a little rash in the corner of my mouth,


9-  J BAVLIN, WILLY WILLIAM - Mi Gente
There is no music in this one. It's just the looped sound of a gibbon that's had his fingers trapped in a Black and Decker Workmate with the two Spanish barmen from the club I mentioned above, talking bollocks over the top. It's properly unlistenable. I think someone should send it to Langley, Virginia, so that the C.I.A can use to extract intel from terrorists. If you played it to someone more than twice then they'd sing like a fucking canary. Probably a far more effective tool than extracting fingernails or attaching knackers to car batteries. I honestly reckon if you listened to this song four times in a row your head would just fucking burst like an egg in a microwave.


10-  JUSTIN BEIBER, BLOODPOP - Friends
This song sets the bar pretty fucking low for drum technicality and sounds like someone monotonously firing a nail gun into a damp mattress from start to finish. The lyrics are so clunky they sound like they've been written by someone who's still in shock after crashing into the back of a van on a motorbike.

11 -  ZAYN, SIA - Dusk till Dawn
Pretty much the same as the last song. Fucking boring. You might as well plug your headphones into a bag of crabs and listen to that instead. Once I got to the end of listening to this song I felt really dizzy and did a fart and blood came out.


12-  DEMI LOVATO - Sorry Not Sorry
This song is so boring that if you started a rumour that it didn't exist then everyone, including Demi Lovato, would believe you after a couple of days.


13-  STEFFLON DON - Hurtin' Me
Sort of a 90's, R&B thing with Caribbean vibes like all the other songs. The only way anyone could think this is good is if this was the first song ever. If she'd sort of invented the entire concept of singing over music then some people might consider this quite interesting but even then I think most people would think it was utter dogshit and should be a lot better than it even is.

14-  LOUIS TOMLINSON, BEBE REXHA, DIGITAL FARM ANIMALS - Back to You
I don't know what a Digital Farm Animals is but it reminds me of the time my mate Yarnold Pentecost strapped about 40 digital watches to a cow's legs, all with the alarm set to go off every 10 or 15 minutes.  The cow got so angry that after about 4 hours his head floated off into the sky and loads of tiny mice with parachutes on floated out of his anus.
I wasn't really listening to the song. It sounded less good than Crohn's disease.


15- KHALID  - Young, dumb & broke
This is sort of a bit like reggae but made by someone who's never actually heard any reggae and only had it explained to them by a dog.


16- MAROON 5, SZA  - What Lovers Do
Didn't these cunts used to be a real band about 20 years ago? I'm sure they were an absolute shit tornado back then as well but I'm sure they didn't used to sound like a 16 year old impersonating Just Bieber in their mum's bedroom. 
These benders have obviously got about as much integrity as the girders that held up the twin towers.
I'd rather listen to 'Moves like Jagger' than this which is strange because 'Moves Like Jagger' did for music what Dr Harold Shipman did for people's trust in medical professionals.
If it was up to me I'd have Maroon 5 put directly onto the sex offenders register for this song.


17- JASON DERULO  - If I'm Lucky
Couldn't lock onto this one long enough to have an opinion. It was like someone holding a hedge strimmer up to your head and asking you if you like the tune whilst it occasionally tears little chunks out of your lobes and sends bits of your ear flying across the room like bumblebees made out of pork. Boring and painful in equal measures. Like being constricted and devoured by a python that's telling you which roads it used to drive from Doncaster to Bishops Stortford.
The fact that someone bothered hiring a studio and going through all the rigmarole that it takes to record, produce and release a song for this is frankly mind bending.

18- CLEAN BANDIT  - I Miss You

Don't know what's wrong with young people. It seems like the threat of being blasted into ribbons by an incendiary ball of nuclear light has taken its toll on their fucking world view. All the music's so slow and downbeat. They've got less energy than a AAA battery in a flood damaged Poundstretcher.
I think Marks and Spencer used one of these guys' songs one of their adverts for about 2 years. The only way M&S will be using this song in an advert  is if they start selling trips to Dignitas. 

19- ALMA  - Chasing Highs

I've done 17 songs now and I'm starting to feel really poorly again. I wasn't concentrating and I just slit one of my hind legs open and started pushing snails into it and now my leg is sort of burning and also feels really cold at the same time. My Mate Sexy Chris just came over to ask why I'd been listening to so much tod for the last 3 hours and I made him sit through this song and he just started crying and then flew off and smashed into the side of a bus shelter and now he's just lying on the ground in a puddle with loads of sort of black treacle firing out of his tits. It's quite a scene. I might have to take a little break.

20- ZEDD, LIAM PAYNE  - Get Low

We used to take the piss out of countries like Moldova and Former Yugoslavian Repulic of Macedonia in the Eurovision Song Contest because their pop music was just pumping electronic drums sampled from a gay sauna with some cheesy little cunt singing bobbins over the top. That's what Britain does now. That's the entire pop music output. I would say that sounding like an Eastern block country from 1993 might go some way to help the United Kingdom's Eurovision campaign, but after Brexit the Rolling Stones could enter and we'd still get fuck all so we might as well just feed a pig loads of Pop Tarts and Haribo Starmix and then walk it on stage and hold a microphone to its quivering, fluttering arsehole. Or we could submit this song which is only slightly less good than that but far less interesting to watch.

21- CHARLI XCX  - Boys

This sounds like a woman having sex with Super Mario while magic coins fall out of her bum.
If you think of a good song, this is like the opposite of that.

22- RITA ORA  - Anywhere
Can't stand doing this anymore. This one's causing by brain to bleed. It's so boring that I genuinely considered killing myself just to make it stop but then I remembered I can just press the 'off' button.


23- MARSHMELLO, KHALID  - Silence
Got excited when I saw the song title was 'silence'. Was hoping it was going to be heavily influenced by John Cage's 1952 composition '4'33' in which the performers are instructed to just sit there and do nothing for four and a half minutes. I wish Marshmello and Khalid had been instructed to do that because that would have saved me from smashing my fist through a window and squeezing the blood into my ears so that I didn't have to hear it as much.

24- AVICCI, RITA ORA  - Lonely Together

If someone had told me this song was written by a shoe then I'd have asked "What kind of shoe?"
At no point would I have actually doubted whether it had been written by a shoe or not

25- JAMES HYPE, KELLI-LEIGH  - More Than Friends

This song apparently "samples" the song 'More Than Friends' by En Vogue. If sampling is just dragging a song into Garageband and playing it 50% faster then that shoe I just mentioned above could actually be as successful as David Guetta and get flown around the world in a fucking Learjet. Being a musician these days takes all the skill and musical dexterity of a dildo that's had a face crudely drawn onto the side of it with dog baff. 

26- YUNGEN, YXNG - Bestie

If you own a keyboard with at least 2 working keys and know how to make that high-pitched warbling sound using autotune that's in every single song so far, then that's pretty much the equivalent of knowing what next week's lottery numbers are as far of making a quick buck in the music industry these days. 
People keep talking about all the plastic waste at the moment, I reckon Casio and the others could definitely cut it down to two keys. Synthesizers might as well start looking more like a deer's hoof than a piano.
This song's fucking terrible by the way.

27- CHRIS BROWN - Questions

If you've ever broken into a hospital under cover of darkness, found the bins that hold all the medical waste awaiting incineration and clambered in and found a syringe and just gone mental and started injecting blood and drugs and soiled laundry and shimmering, yellowy fluids into your fucking head...then this is the song for you.


28- CRAIG DAVID -Heartline
Don't know who's responsible for letting Craig David back into the music industry but I suspect it was dark lord of the underworld, Satan. Craig David must have been gargling Satan's balls so deep they'd have been cooking in his stomach acid like a couple of boiled eggs in a saucepan.
This song's used the tune of children's favourite playground taunt and possibly most annoying song ever - 'I'm the king of the castle and you're a dirty rascal'. As far as 'musical influences' go it's hardly fucking Beethoven. Because of this it's absolutely unlistenable. 

Right I can't handle doing Disk 2. I'm only going to do disk 2 by popular demand so fuck it.
20 ANIMALS
YOU DIDN'T 
KNOW 
EXISTED:
WITH 
GUS THE FOX

Red-lipped Batfish

Apparently this fish is found near the Galapagos Islands and chooses to walk instead of swim.
If I showed you this picture and then you told me that you weren't imagining this little fella giving you a blowjob then I think I'd have to accuse you of being a liar. 
It's got quite a stern expression and I can't help wondering if it's pissed off because it's evolved to look absolutely fucking ridiculous. In many way a lot like Kanye West

Goblin Shark
This looks like a cartoon of Margaret Thatcher that's come to life to give everyone nightmares, much like Theresa May. The other qualities it shares with Theresa May is that nobody hardly ever fucking sees it and it probably also looks ridiculous in leather trousers.
The fact that a monster like this exists at all is proof alone that there is surely no god, I suppose it would be unfair to say the same about the shark.

Panda Ant
This is actually the female of a type of Chilean wasp that has no wings and resembles an ant. It's venom can kill a cow.
Don't know anything more about it but it sort of reminds me of my mate Keith Rice. Keith was a badger I used to hang around with and one night, a few years ago, we found an empty swimming pool in the back garden of a house in Hackney. There was no water in it but for some reason the filter pump was still on, I convinced Keith that it would be funny to go and sit on it whilst I filmed it for 'You've Been Framed'. The filter sucked all of his guts and bones out of his bum and he died in seconds leaving behind a skeletal corpse that looked exactly like this ant. I sent in the video to 'You've Been Framed' and they sent me £300 but said that they probably wouldn't show the clip as it might upset people at tea time.

Penis Snake
I know life is precious and all that shit but I think I'd rather be dead than be a penis snake to be honest.
They were only rediscovered in 2011 whilst a dam was being built in Brazil.
Anyone who says that this doesn't look EXACTLY like a penis obviously hasn't ever had their own one put in an 'exploding Chinese finger trap'  by a very drunk Cwis Packham at 3am in the morning of Terry Nutkins' 63rd birthday party. Waking up after a party with a hangover is annoying, but waking up to discover that your penis looks like its just gone 10 rounds with Wladimir Kitschko and one of your bollocks has fallen into the canal and been gobbled up by an eel is quite another thing altogether.

Umbonia Spinosa
I once met Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. He bundled me into a flight case outside Brixton Academy and then gaffer-taped me onto his own head like I was the world's maddest hat and then proceeded to perform 2 hours of very average dance-funk in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers. As he span and gyrated around the stage, fear got the better of me and I began to lose control of my bladder, sending arcs of bodily fluid and liquid tod into the front row of the Academy, covering twenty or thirty wheelchair bound Jamiroquai fans in a thick layer of my wretched effluence. Quite funny in hindsight but at the time I remember being fucking furious. I'm not sure the performance received a glowing review either.

Lowland Streaked Tenrec
I'd have probably called this a 'Waspmouse' or a maybe even a 'Beerat'. 
Found in Madagascar this is the only mammal that makes a noise by rubbing its legs together like an insect. 
I'm not quite sure how species come to exist but I'd say, given the evidence, that this is definitely some sort of little hedgehog that's had it off with a hornet or something. I just tried to make one by putting a bumble bee up a hamster's arse. They both died. You've got to have the patience of a fucking saint to be a scientist haven't you?

Glaucus Atlanticus / Blue Dragon
This is actually a type of sea slug that's found in warm climates and can float using sacks of gas.
If the last animal was a cross between a bee and a mouse then fuck knows what this is. If I had to guess how it came to exist I would probably say that some lightning struck an I-Phone and one of their Pokemon Go monsters came to life. I'd have to run that theory past the poindexters at the Natural History Museum to see if, like this weird cunt, it has legs, but that's what I would imagine happened.

Mantis Shrimp
Bit too wacky for me this one. Looks like something a dickhead might buy and dangle from the rear view mirror of their Citroen Berlingo.
It looks like what would happen if God had a sort of Blue Peter competition where kids could send in their ideas for a new type of animal and the winner would get their one put into 'creation' and introduced into the sub-tropical waters of the South Pacific.
Anyway, whoever this guy is he looks like a cunt. He's the only animal I've ever seen in my life who would definitely wear a Homer Simpson tie to a wedding.
I reckon if this was some kind of wacky hat even 90% of the fucking plonkers who go to V Festival would give it a miss. 

Venezuelan Poodle Moth
I'm going to chalk this one down as 'fuckable'

The Pacu Fish
Well it's got human teeth so it's nightmare fodder in that respect. Possibly a cursed boy that got turned into a fish or something, I don't know. Reminds me of the time me and my mate Glum Roy spent the afternoon 'No-More-Nailsing' loads of sets of false teeth into all the local trouts and then watching as the fisherman hoiked them out of the canal and shit themselves. I remember one fisherman pulled a perch out the water that we'd made look like Rylan Clark and it freaked him out so much that he just slit his own throat with his Opinel pocket knife, gently slipped into the reeds and then we just watched as his body disappeared over a weir. That was a funny old Christmas.

Aye-Aye
Sometimes I feel like these scientists and wildlife biologists are so desperate to make a name for themselves, and pick up a gong from the Zoological Society. that they'll stop at nothing. This is clearly a bat that's had the living fuck beaten out of it with a hoover and then been given a daft name. 
I think some of these conservationists should be in psychiatric units rather than lauded in the world of ethnobiology I really do. 

The Maned Wolf
You wouldn't know this if you're human but this wolf is fit as arseholes. Sort of like a supermodel fox. I once got bummed by Peter Crouch in a tunnel on Halloween and if that harrowing experience could have possibly culminated in the bearing of offspring then I reckon this would have been the result. 
There aren't many animals that would look good in a leather jacket but this fucker certainly would. 10 on 10.

Patagonian Mara
Another abomination innit? You leave the Jack Russel at home with the Guinea Pig whilst you pop out to Aldi and one thing leads to another, 15 weeks later you've got this thing on your hands.

Naked Mole Rat
Don't know what the point is in this guy. You fuckers are going round shooting tigers and giraffes but no one is killing these guys. This guy looks exactly like what Boris Johnson would look like after an acid attack on Bromley High Street.
The only good use I can think of for these things is if you were to collect about 80 or 90 of them and squeeze them really tightly into Olly Murrs' Range Rover.

Irrawaddy Dolphin
The sort of dolphin that gets driven to school in a special minivan with pictures of cartoon rabbits on it.

The Geranuk
Well it looks like he's had his head photoshopped and the name sounds like the title of a slightly shit horror film. I can imagine if this guy walked into a Londis in Peckham on his hind legs then that might be quite funny. I can imagine the shop keeper crying and shouting and luzzing cans of tinned tuna at the cunt.  Short of that I don't think he really needs to exist.
It looks like someone has chopped his head off and then poured 'Miracle Grow' down his neck to help his head grow back and it's actually started to fucking work.

Star Nosed Mole
You very quietly wait for a mole to surface and then you stick a firecracker in its mouth, tie it up with an elastic band and watch as his head blows up like 'Scanners'. We've all done it, doesn't mean it's new type of animal. These guys are having a laugh.

 Cantor's Giant Soft Shelled Turtle
 Not sure what's going on here. Look at his face though. He's having the worst time since sliced bread. It looks like what happens when you sand down a terrapin with a Bosch PSM 19LI Cordless Orbital Sander which, for legal reasons, I will say I have never done.
Good luck to him though, he's a flat, ugly, shiny little cunt that no one really needs to know even exists but then again so is Michael Gove and he's just become the fucking Environment Secretary. 
This turtle looks like an elephant's arsehole that's had a coconut shoved up it by a mischievous simpleton, but if Michael Gove could even look half as charming as that then he'd be heading in the right direction.

Pink Fairy Armadillo











Don't know what this is or where it comes from. It looks a bit like a rabbit that's been carefully turned inside out, and I should know because I did that to a rabbit once and then I posted to Olly Murrs warning him that I'd start sending one inverted rabbit to his house every single day until he stopped being on TV.
I like how its back looks a bit like a tongue. I'd quite like to put this little guy in a cow's mouth and see what that looked like. I can imagine winning some sort of prize if I did that.
BUTTER

There's no doubt that butter plagiarism is one of the hottest topics in the country at the moment and with every low-budget, margarine peddler desperate to produce their own version of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' whilst simultaneously trying to avoid a lengthy court case, there's never been a better time to produce your own knock-off spread while the going's good.
'You'd think it's Butter', 'What, not butter' and the enchantingly named 'Memories of Butter' have already been snapped up by canny businessmen, guaranteed to make their millions out of the thriving bargain-basement, yellow-spread, industry, but if you want in on the action and are worried that all the best variations have already been snapped up then fear not because I'm selling the below options for a one payment of just £50.
That's right, you can walk away with any of the following buttery titles for just £50. The counterfeit dairy industry is like the Klondike gold rush of the 1890s and you'd be fucking mental to miss out.
Pick from the following titles...

  • I Don't Think That's Butter
  • Yellow Spread: In Memorium
  • I Think I Need to be Sectioned Because I'm Fucking Convinced That That's Butter
  • Evocation of Spread
  • That's Butter Isn't It?...What It's Not?...Jesus Christ
  • The Halcyon Days of Butter
  • What? That's not butter? Get the Fuck Out of My Kitchen
  • I Bet It Is Butter. It's Definitely Similar to Butter
  • Dreams of a Yellow Spread
  • I Thought It Was Butter and Now I've Found Out That It Isn't My Life Has Completely Collapsed, I Don't Know What's Real, My Wife's Left Me, I'm Actually This Close To Blowing My Own Brains Out.
  • I Can Actually Slightly Believe That's Not Butter Because It Tastes Dreadful
  • I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
  • I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
  • Do You Remember Butter? This Is A Bit Like That...A Bit
  • If Someone Told You This Was Butter You'd Probably Believe Them. At Best You Wouldn't Give A Shit Either Way
  • The History of Butter: Ad Nauseam
  • I Refused To Believe It Wasn't Butter, So I Went To The Factory And I'm Still Not Sure Because I Don't Know The Difference Between Butter and Margarine
  • Surely That's Butter, Surely That's Fucking Butter
  • Oh Dear, It Seems You've Been Labouring Under The Misapprehension That This is Butter
  • I Wish I Had Bought Butter Because This Yellow Shit From Aldi Is Giving Me The Squits
  • Butter Melancholy 
  • I Found Out This Wasn't Butter and Went Insane and Murdered A Bunch of Kids



Simply pick your number and send a cheque for £50 to 
Shed43, 
Behind Kwik Fit, 
Lovelace Street, 
Haggerston, 
N1 3JS
THE
2017
ELECTION
FACT SHEET


NAME : TIM FARRON
PARTY: LIBERAL DEMORCRAT
  • Tim Farron was born in Preston, Lancashire in 1970.
  • He was abandoned by his parents and left in a basket outside the Pork Farms sausage roll factory where he was discovered by the staff who decided to keep him as a pet. They nicknamed him 'Pantysniffin' Jim'
  • 'Sniffin' Jim' grew up in the factory, chained to a wall in a rudimentary kennel and spent his days assisting his family/captors roll up the scotch eggs and batter the pigs to death with a mallet.
  • At 18 he left the factory and headed to Leeds Polytechnic to study Product Design. He arrived halfway through the term covered in sausage meat and, having not applied to join the the university, was escorted off the campus and beaten up by a couple of renegade security officers behind the bins.
  • Tim spent the next few years living rough, up and down the country, a period of his life which he describes as "one of the best times I can remember, halcyon days". 
  • In 1983 Tim married his own hands but divorced them after just 3 months, sueing them for everything that they owned. (When you watch him on TV you'll notice that you never see him talking to his own hands).
  • Tim's first job was as a hospital courier, carrying blood and organs to hospitals on the back of his Lambretta GT 200. He was fired from his job after it became apparent that he was feasting on the organs and showering in the bags of blood. He was given a slap on the wrist and 50 hours community service.
  • Tim's relationship with his hands further deteriorated and during one heated argument he drove his left hand into the whirring blades of a lawnmower. He constructed his new left hand out of salt. The sodium chloride prosthetic needs replacing on a daily basis.
  • Tim and his wife have a dog called 'The Watercolour Lesbian' which can talk in Gaelic. 
  • Farron claims to be 'egg blind' which means he can't see eggs. Doctors remain sceptical but tests are ongoing.

NAME : PAUL NUTTALL
PARTY: UKIP
(all facts taken from Nuttall's personal website and uncorroborated) 
  • Nuttall was born inside the belly of a horse. Whilst still inside the beast his twin brother attacked him with a butterfly knife. He used Kung Fu to defeat his evil sibling and escape from his equine prison.
  • As a child Nuttall claims that he could chew cud like a cow and turn it into Sunny Delight in his extra stomach. He'd express the juice out of a small plastic tap in his belly button which he claims he was born with but fell out a few years ago.
  • Paul Nuttall is the greatest juggler in the world and once juggled 3 Renault Twingos using strength that he channeled from a nearby bear sanctuary.
  • If Paul Nuttall closes his eyes and squeezes really hard he can make stars and planets rotate in the opposite direction.
  • When Nuttall was 18 he bought his first flat in Liverpool off ex Manchester United defender, Gary Pallister. On his first night in the flat he prised up the floorboards and found the mummified remains of the Ancient Egyptian architect and polymath, Imhotep. Nuttall booted the priceless relic into the sea and told it to "fuck off back to Sandy-Sphinxy-Pyramid-Land"
  • Nuttall was the first person in the UK to have full, unprotected sex with a Sega Game Gear.
  • Paul Nuttall can completely re-tile a roof in 15 seconds flat. No matter how big the roof is, 15 fucking seconds.
  • Robots from the future regularly climb out of his wife's vagina hell bent on destroying the planet and Paul has to defeat them with his specially modified nail gun.
  • Paul once hit a cricket ball so hard it went into space and hit a satellite and it made MTV go off the air for 2 days.
NAME : THERESA MAY
PARTY: TORY
  • Theresa May was born in 1587 in Hungary. She is the first daughter of  Countess Elizabeth Bathory, the noblewoman recognised as the most prolific serial killer of all time
  • As a child May would spend her time wandering around the village eating stray dogs and scratching satanic runes and glyphs into her legs and forearms.
  • May's blood is completely translucent and carbonated like Coca Cola Tab Clear. If you cut her the watery liquid will actually evaporate from the wound like a boiling kettle and creates a dense fog-like mist which has been known to blind people trapped in the same room.
  • Theresa May is famous for wearing shoes, much like almost everyone else on the entire planet.
  • When Theresa May goes to sleep she grows a thick layer of moss all over her body which has to be scraped off every morning by a civil servant known as a 'Moss Mouse' employed at the tax payer's expense.
  • May's fingernails are only a figment of her imagination so if she ever stops thinking about them then they disappear .
  • In 1976 she took a year out and went to Africa where she attempted to kill every single animal on the continent. She killed thousands of animals but luckily only made the Gambian Pygmy Hippopotamus and the Somalian Saltwater Alligator extinct.
  • May is dyslexic. When she read the Bible she thought that the bits that encouraged the respect and well-being of animals actually stated that animals are all fucking vermin and should be ripped to apart.
  • Theresa May is actually a horrible cunt
  • Theresa May's husband has a tattoo of Paul Rudd's character in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' on his back.
  • May has a deep hatred for almost everyone. No one knows why
NAME : JEREMY CORBYN
PARTY: LABOUR
  • Jeremy Corbyn grew in a vegetable patch. For the first 5 years of his life his only friends were carrots, turnips, runner beans and a rhubarb plant called Ivan Pocket.
  • In his spare time Corbyn wanders the streets scooping spoonfuls of Dolmio onto dog's heads and running away. It makes him laugh like a drain. He's been arrested over 65 times
  • Corbyn and Diane Abbot's 1976 homemade porno, 'Bigger Ben' is the only X rated feature to outsell Paris Hilton's 'One Night in Paris' and the only grumble film to be stocked by Blockbuster Video.
  • Corbyn can remove his beard and throw it at criminals and it will engulf them like a sort of net until the police arrive and arrest everyone involved.
  • Jeremy Corbyn collects jumpers. He has 3. One is made Lego
NAME : CAROLINE LUCAS/JONATHON BARTLEY
PARTY: GREEN PARTY

  • Caroline Lucas can't see through glass. To her its basically like trying to look through an elk or a sofa or some such shit.
  • Jonathon Bartley quotes lines from Family Gut whenever he says anything to anyone and all his friends want to punch him in the tits.
NAME : NICOLA STURGEON
PARTY: SNP

  • Born with Japanese legs
  • No pet owls