HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS

WITH A HORSE

• Find a horse. They'll usually be in a field/stable/garage/hamburger factory
• Approach the bastard
• Introduce yourself. Say something like "Hi, my name's Duncan" (If your name's Duncan)
• Clear you throat/stare at your feet/make awkward gestures
• Repeat yourself.
• Start tap dancing in front of the horse whilst grinning nervously
• Make small talk. Tell the cunt a little bit about yourself. Tell it all the problems you've been having when you try and go to the toilet
• (He's ignoring you) Introduce yourself again.
• Start getting angry with the swine
• Shout at the horse. Start thrashing it with electrical wires
• Introduce yourself once more. "HELLO, MY NAME 'S DUNCAN. IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU"
• Start crying and throw a temper tantrum
• Give up
• Go to bed deflated and upset
• Wake up and repeat the process

TATTOOS

I'VE DONE

ON PIGS

Punching a pig's lights out and giving it a daft tattoo is surely one of the nation's favourite past-times. Here are some of the best ones I've done over the past couple of weeks. 

1 - Uncle Ben's

I did the Uncle Ben's Rice logo on a pig I know called Sad Adam. He got so angry that he had a heart attack and all his teeth fell out.

2 - A Bear in a rowing boat

I did this one left handed and as you can see I made a right pig's ear of it if you'll excuse the pun. It's surely one of the shittest tattoos of all time. I'm as proud as punch with this one.

3 - Chlamydia

I've done this one in a sort of gang font. It would probably be pretty cool if it didn't say 'chlamydia'. Not my problem.

4 - Butcher's Cuts

Haha. I met this guy on a farm and he was fucking terrified of getting the chop. He kept crying and saying that he needed more time. I punched his lights out and tattooed these instructions for the butcher. I never found out if he found it funny.

5 - Mandelladrill

Sort of freestyled this one a bit. It's quite an arty little customer. As you can see it's a picture of Nelson Mandella smiling at a Bosch GSB36v-Li-ION cordless drill. All the kids are going to want one of these I reckon.

This one actually made an appearance in 'Skin Deep' magazine issue 114.

If you’ve tattooed a pig and would like to submit a picture then please email it to martinclunes@live.com and you could be in with a chance of winning a t shirt!! The best entries will be posted here next week.