WHAT’S HE DONE NOW? WE PAY £5 FOR ALL YOUR WACKY  STORIES ABOUT YOUR DOZY FELLA

MAD HATTER

My husband Andrew is always game for a laugh. The other day we were at a wedding and he got hold of my mother’s big pink hat and started bopping away in it on the dance floor. Needless to say we were all  cracking up.

Karen Chudd, Kings Lynn

IT’S A PIZZA CAKE

Here’s my daft partner Tommy who tried to make me a cheesecake for my birthday a few weeks ago but lost the recipe half way through and ended up putting an entire block of cheddar in it. It tasted more like a Margherita pizza than a cake. Once I’d stopped crying we all had a right old chuckle about it. 

Pippa R Bandicoot, Isle of Harris

BEST OF THE WEST 

My hubby Fred was always acting the giddy goat and between 1967 and 1987 he killed and dismembered the bodies of at least 12 women and buried them in our back garden before eventually killing himself in HM Prison Birmingham.  

Rosemary W, Wakefield

DIRTY JOKES 

My husband Rory is always game for a laugh. A few weeks ago we went for a walk in the woods and he jumped into a muddy puddle and fell over on his backside. Me and the kids couldn’t stop laughing. We haven’t stopped talking about it since.

Leslie Mandrill, Kidderminster

HASTA LA VISTA...BABY!

Former Spice Girl shocked to discover that she has robotic hands.

Pop-star Emma Bunton stunned fans last night after claiming that she

appears to have mechanised hands constructed from some kind of titanium alloy and has no idea how they got there.

The singer, formerly known as Baby Spice (43) revealed that she made the discovery when cutting her finger chopping a parsnip at her luxurious home in Chipping Barnett.

“I realised something wasn’t right when, instead of bleeding, the wound revealed a glimmering cross-section of shiny metal” said Bunton in an emotional Instagram video to her 1.1 million followers.

The blonde mother of two went on to reveal how she continued to remove the flesh from her right arm with a flick knife only to discover that the entire limb appears to be a cybernetic endoskeleton constructed from some kind of futuristic, triple-armoured, hyper-alloy.

And the bad news didn’t end there for the former Heart radio Dj as a tentative prick with a pin suggests that it might be that same story with her left arm.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing” she said through a veil of tears. “I have absolutely no recollection of getting robitic arms fitted and it just doesn’t feel like the sort of thing that you’d forget having done.”

The Spice Girl admitted that she should have known something was awry when she first noticed that she could pick up a cement mixer without even breaking a sweat. 

“When we were on tour, the girls would always come to me when they needed a jar of pickled onions opening or an iron door prising off its hinges so I guess I should have known something was going on.” 

Bunton went on to say that a trip to her local GP to organise an X-ray was at the very top of her to-do-list and admitted that her biggest fear is that she may discover that she is in fact a T-800 Terminator sent back through time to alter the course of history and prevent Skynet from becoming sentient and destroying all of mankind.

“It’s the sort of thing you hear about but just pray will happen to you. We’re just keeping our fingers crossed that there’s a simple explanation and it can all get sorted with a course of steroids or antibiotics” she concluded.

I cut my finger the other day and realised I’ve 

got a robotic hand. Should I be worried?

Ken Pelmet, 35

Hi Ken

Although this is quite uncommon there’s no need to panic in the short term. If you don’t remember being given a robotic hand then it might be worth going to get it checked out. It could be the case that you are in fact a cybernetic organism sent back in time from the future for some reason and have simply forgotten. Ask yourself, ‘have I got infrared vision?’ and ‘can I pick up a large truck with one arm?’. If you’re not sure and still worried then it’s probably time to book in an appointment with your GP.

My local GP is a very attractive young woman but I’m scared to go and speak to her about my problem. I’ve got quite an angry looking fungal infection on my penis that’s beginning to stink. I’m worried that when I get my boy out she’ll get turned on and make a move. I’ve been married for 55 years and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that.

Lawrence Flask, 77

Hi Lawrence

Although it’s very unlikely that your doctor would ever act on her impulses it is always sensible to remain vigilant. In all surgeries you should be allowed to request a chaperone to be in the room during your appointment. But be sure to ask for a male member of staff just to gurentee that the entire thing doesn’t collapse into a steamy three way sex party.

I work in a pork pie factory and I’ve just lost my arm in the blender. The lads are trying to patch me up but I don’t want to look like a fanny. 

Should I get it checked out and will it grow back?

Guy Coggles, 48

Hi Guy

Ouch, that sounds nasty. With any flesh wound that can’t be covered by a standard plaster, it’s always best to get it checked out. I would say that it’s very important that you allow your colleagues to bandage you up other wise you’ll bleed to death in a matter of minutes.

I’m not sure whether it will grow back or not but I think you should brace yourself for the chance that it might not.

EEL 

MORRISSEY

Eels just a rumour started on set of Men Behaving Badly claims star

The world of zoology was thrown into turmoil last night when Neil Morrissey, star of 90’s sitcom Men Behaving Badly, sensationally announced that there’s no such thing as eels and that they were simply a rumour he’d started for a laugh to fool co-star, Martin Clunes whilst larking about on set.
“We used to muck about when we were filming the show and try and trick each other into believing all sorts of nonsense” said Morrissey who’s recently appeared in the gripping police drama, Line Of Duty.
“ I remember that I’d tried to convince Martin that there were these really long fish that sort of looked like snakes and lived in the River Thames and I just came up with the word eels becaube I was mucking about”. Since the Waterloo Road star confessed that he was the brainchild behind the briny beasts experts across the country have admitted that they’ve never actually seen an eel and just assumed they exist because they’d been told that they do.
Dr Quentin Scrote, from the Department of Fisheries and Aquaculture said “Since Neil Morrissey made the claim yesterday we’ve looked into it and in all honesty nobody who works here has ever actually seen an eel. It’s starting to look highly likely that there’s simply no such thing”.
When East End, Pie and Mash shop owner, Gavin Bunty was asked where he got his jellied eels from he admitted “I’ve always just chopped up tinned pilchards and served that, I’ve been going to Billingsgate Fish Market for almost 60 years and I’ve never actually seen an eel, they always just told me they’d sold out”.
“I was starting to think there was something fishy about it” he joked.
When asked why he’d never mentioned it before, Morrissey admitted “I thought it was weird when it started to take off but after a while I just assumed that there was such a thing as an eel and I mustn’t have made it up after all”.
“It’s amazing to think that despite all the fantastic shows I’ve been in, inventing ells will probably be my greatest legacy” Morrissey mused.
When asked how pictures and references to eels have existed in books and paintings going back hundreds and hundreds of years, broadcaster and natural historian, David Attenborough said “like so many things in the briny deep, that might be one of those mysteries that we never fully understand”.

FOX NEWS: 

LEAMINGTON SPACE

Leamington Spa plans to be the first town in the UK to leave the Earth’s atmosphere…And no isn’t an option!

Officials for the Warwickshire spa town this week announced that they plan to rocket into the record books by being the first town in Britain to journey into outer space and what’s more, residents won’t have a choice as the voyage into the cosmos will be mandatory. 

In a press statement released this morning, Local Councillor, Rilkie Balbatross, said: “It’s time to put Leamington Spa on the map and the way we’ve decided to do that is by sending everyone who lives here into space”.

“Leamington has a population of 55.733 so getting everyone up there at the same time sadly won’t be possible. We’re currently in talks with Virgin Galactic and discussing the logistics of doing it in shifts” he added.

The council plans to use the 2011 census to work through the various wards and then allocate time slots to each household and instruct each one as to when they must arrive at the Kennedy Space Station in Florida for their 90 minute flight into the thermosphere.

A strange loophole in the local bylaws means that not going won’t be option and anyone who fails to oblige could see their house repossessed or even face a lengthy jail sentence.

“For this to work we need 100% compliance from residents which means that we’ll unfortunately have to resort to extreme measures when dealing with anyone who isn’t willing to get onboard” said local MP, Matt Western.

At £250’000 per person, the entire project will cost the town well over £13 billion and see council tax rates rise by an eye-watering 4000% with some local officials confessing that all spending on urban development, maintenance and public services will also have to be put on ice for at least 100 years. 

But despite the massive financial implications most local residents seem excited about the prospect.

“I’m really looking forward to it” said local resident, Pat Fist,.

“As someone who left school at 14 to work in the local abattoir I was honestly starting to think that my chances of becoming an astronaut and boldly going where no one has gone before were almost over, so I’m absolutely made up” he continued.

However, there has been angry opposition to the idea from some local residents.

Local florist Bunty Horsebasket, 76, was one of many embittered residents who thought that being projected at 2485mph out of the Earth’s orbit against her will was a step too far for a local council.

“I’ll be honest I’m absolutely livid.” She said.

“As someone who is absolutely terrified of flying I can’t say I’m particularly impressed with the idea of being blasted 62 miles into the sky and being forced to experience the discombobulating and unnerving sensation of weightlessness when I’ve got a shop to run and things to do”.

“It just seems like an enormous waste of time and money and I just don’t see what the point is” she continued”.

The first flight is expected to take place in March this year and everybody in Leamington Spa is expected to have made the trip into space by Summer 2021.