What is a Brexit? 
No one really knows what a Brexit is, that's why everyone's been arguing and shouting about it for the past few months. Some people think that a Brexit is like a big shoe but made out of numbers and others think it's probably more likely to be an animal like a tortoise or a backwards woodlouse. Or it could be like a bit from inside a pen, like a spring or a little bit of metal or something. My mate Ivan Cuttlery thinks it's more like an abstract emotion like pity or guilt but with more of a vinegary smell. No one really knows.

What is the EU? 
The EU is like a nightclub in Brussels or Strasbourg or somewhere like that and we're all members of it and you can go there and drink wine and watch strippers and stuff like that but when you go in you have to spend at least some of the time doing some politics. Normally you write down some politics on a bit of paper and then you have to go and talk to the men in a special room about it and they'll make your wishes come true like in the Wizard of Oz. Sometimes the men will give you some money and tell you to take it back to England and drop it off at the hospital and sometimes they'll make you help them do things like kill people and bury them in the desert. 

What is a referendum
It's when an entire population of people who spend their entire life sitting on the sofa eating Findus Crispy Pancakes and watching gypos fingering each other on Big Brother think they can do a better job of running the country than the stupid gammon-faced twat they voted in to make those sorts of decisions for them less than a year ago, and even though old Spam Face and his Sultans of Satan are a right bunch of bell ends, there's not much point having a fucking government if you're going to vote on things based on what you've read in one of Emperor Palpatines wankrags. 

Who wants to stay in? 
Thick cunts like Professor Steven Hawking, Sir Richard Branson and The Governor of the Bank of England.

Who wants to fuck it off? 
Proper awesome legends like Keith Chegwin, Katie Hopkins and Donald Trump. People who you wouldn't give a fuck about if they got shot.
Also you've got Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage who all used to be marionette puppets who lived together in a box all wrapped up with string but were brought to life by an evil sorcerer (Paul Daniels). 

What will happen if we stay in the  EU? 
It'll sort of be the same as now. A bit shit.

What will happen if we leave the  EU? 
It'll sort of be the same as now for about 2 weeks and then all the bad stuff will start happening because people like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage will be in charge and they couldn't organise a fucking pencil case let alone recalibrate an entire economic structure. After about a year Great Britain will look like that Kevin Costner film 'Waterworld' and everyone will be running around fucking and fighting and there won't be any food so if you want to eat an apple you'll have to go into a big cage and fight for it with a spear against some other poor sod and you'll both be naked and your penis will be flopping about all over the place and you'll look absolutely ridiculous to say the least. After that you'll just spend the rest of your life driving around on a rusty motorbike with a a bunch of muscly men and you'll have to strap a skull to your face to cover up the fact that you keep crying.

What is Elmo from Sesame Street? 
I don't know. A red bear or something? Some sort of dog?

I don't know who the good guys are and who are the bad guys 
Well you sound like a right thick plum. It's pretty much the most obvious thing to decide unless you're borderline retarded.