Police are investigating ex-England goalkeeper, David Seaman after a confusing performance at a live Q&A session which took place in a small theatre near his home town of Rotherham. 

‘An Evening with David Seaman’ was due to be an informal and lighthearted event where fans of the football star would be able to meet their hero, listen to anecdotes about his 23 year long career and ask him questions, but after a series of unprompted denials that he’d ever killed anyone, alarm bells started to ring  and the South Yorkshire Police force were informed.
“Me and the wife got tickets because we’re both massive Arsenal fans” said audience member Rilkie Balbatross. “It was a great evening until right at the end when we started asking questions” he continued. “I asked David a question about his first game for England in 1988 and he answered by saying that he’d never murdered anyone with a hammer and buried them in the woods on the outskirts of Chesterfield” said Balbatross. “Everyone just went silent and looked confused until the compere laughed awkwardly and moved on to another question” he continued.

The microphone was handed to audience member Ian Pin who asked a question about the camaraderie of the camp during England’s Euro 96 campaign but the same thing happened again when the football legend professed that he was Innocent of any violent crimes and definitely didn't have blood on his gloves. “It was really weird” said Pin. “I’d asked him something about Euro 96 and he just started talking about how he’d never gone on a killing spree and disposed of the bodies in the Humber Estuary off the back of his mate Gavin’s boat. I never said he had” continued Pin.

An uncomfortable atmosphere filled the small Civic Theatre as people started to leave. The questions about Seaman’s career continued as he batted them away with specific denials relating to bloodshed and homicide that he claimed were in no way linked to him.
Audience member Yarnold Pentecost said “it was getting really awkward so I tried to lighten the mood by asking a question about whether David had any regrets about rocking his famous tash and ponytail combo for so much of his career and he answered by claiming that in 1998 he hadn’t sealed the doors to a house in Doncaster and set it on fire”.
“He just started looking at his feet and mumbling that if he had done any of that stuff then he’d be in prison now and he didn’t know why everyone kept bringing it up” continued Pentecost. 

After about 45 minutes two officers arrived and removed the second most capped goalkeeper after Peter Shilton and took him away in handcuffs.
“It was a weird end to the evening. He’s obviously guilty as sin” said Mr Pentecost. “And we didn’t even get a refund” he continued. “That’s the last time I get tickets for the theatre” he joked.
At present Seaman remains in custody and the investigation continues.

Popstar Emma Bunton shocked fans yesterday when she announced that she’s worried that she might be transforming into a ballistic, Typhoon class, Soviet submarine.
The singer, formerly known as Baby Spice (43) relvealed the news by posting an emotional live video on her Facebook page claiming that she first noticed the transformation begin whilst on her reunion tour with the Spice Girls earlier this year.

“I realised something wasn’t right when I was backstage at the Etihad Stadium in Manchester getting changed into a new frock halfway through a show with the girls” said Bunton through a veil of tears.

“My tights snagged on something near the back of my leg and when I asked Geri Halliwell to check it out she said it looked like I was growing some sort of rudder” continued Bunton. 
“I didn’t think that much of it at the time because the show had to go on…and also I was earning onwards and upwards of 3 million quid a night to perform our terrible songs to a bunch of sad middle-aged women who now all work in HR”

The petite blonde mother of two went on to explain that by the end of the tour she’d developed a large propeller, a naval bridge and several turbine chambers designed to cool down a nuclear reactor. “It was becoming harder and harder to sqeeze into my stage gear” sobbed Bunton on the video, which has now been viewed over 12 million times on the social networking platform. “I thought it might just be stress” continued Bunton, “but even after I got home it just seemed to keep getting worse”

Bunton went on to describe how just in the last month she’s grown a radio control room, sonar device and even a small periscope. “I didn’t even know submarines still had periscopes” continued the blubbing Spice Girl as she choked back tears.
It was only when she realised that her skin was turning into a steel-titanium alloy like the pressure hull of a military grade submersibal that Bunton decided that enough was enough and made the step to phone her friend Jamie Theakston who came over to take a look.
“When Jamie came over and pointed out that I was now 175 metres in length and armed with over one hundred BGM-109 Tomahawk cruise missiles I knew that I had to go to the doctors”

 The singer, who released her first solo single in 12 years at the start of 2019, went on to say “it’s the sort of thing you hear about but just never think will happen to you”
Unfortunately doctors have been left scratching their heads after trying Bunton on a course of steroids and antibiotics and have now told the Spice Girl that she might actually find that she’s happier in the open waters off the coast of the British Isles rather than being cooped up in her luxurious house in Chipping Barnet.
When asked what her biggest fear for the future is, Bunton said that it would be seeing Jeremy Corbyn winning an election and ending up in Number 10. “I’ve always liked him as a politician and think he’s a decent man but just now I’m terrified that he’ll become Prime Minister and then scrap 'Trident' which would mean I’ll be decommissioned and laid up in Her Majesty’s Naval Base in Devonport with a fleet of other dreadnoughts waiting to be safely melted down for scrap over the next 50 years”
Bunton concluded the video by saying “I guess I just didn’t see it ending like this for me, you just never know what’s around the corner” before providing a link to a crowd funding website where she hopes to be able to raise enough money to source a cure for the delibitating condition.