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RELIGIONS
London is one of the most multicultural cities in the world. Nowhere else do so many religions and faiths live in such close proximity as people strive to relate humanity to spirituality and moral values, and people have come up with all sorts of wacky bollocks in an attempt to explain the meaning of life. Some people believe in a lad with a elephant's head, some people fancy the idea that the world was made out of clay a few years ago by an old fella and others are pretty sure that we all come from another planet and we just forgot.
Unfortunately there isn't a shred of evidence to support a single element of any religion which you'd think would be a bit of a problem, but it's not because people have invented something called 'faith' which basically means that they get to stare at you with a smug grin pasted across their stupid face if you ever feel compelled to challenge whatever nonsense they've chosen to dedicate their life to.
One of the things that's always confused me most about religions is the fact that me and my mates don't get a look in. Some humans will spend their entire life enjoying the companionship of animals, but if you ask them if their four legged friend will be waiting for them in heaven then they'll just laugh and carry on trying to flush it down the toilet.
A blind man can have a guide dog whom he might consider to be his best friend, closest member of family and most loyal servant. The guide dog might save his life, look after him and show him more love than anyone else on Earth, but you ask anyone then they'll tell you that that guide dog isn't getting in. You ask anyone and they'll tell you. in no uncertain terms that St Peter's hammered a big fuck-off, 'No Dogs' sign onto the pearly gates and hammered a bit of wood over the little dog flap made of clouds. The whole thing's a bit of a kick in the teeth when you remember that humans invented all this ridiculous dogma and it would have been just as easy for them to have said that there was a nice section of afterlife reserved for all of God's creatures. But alas, you lot have decided that we're all destined to float around in the eternal abyss or purgatory. Thanks for that. Arseholes.
Well it turns out that two can play that game. Recently an influx of new religions have been created by animals who've decided to jump on the eternity bandwagon. Personally I'm not interested in joining a single one because some of them sound as daft as the things you lot came up with thousands of years ago. Anyway, Here's a list of animals and what they believe in.
PIGEONS
GOD - Tommy The Chimney
BELIEFS - Geonism is a monotheistic religion. Most Geonists believe in a chimney called Tommy The Chimney, a chimney pot which has a face crudely drawn on the side of it in pen. Pigeons believe that one day the chimney will catch fire and the world will end. They worship Tommy by sitting on top of chimneys and cooing. The footballer Gary Linker is a keen Geonist.
SWANS
GOD - A bag in a tree
BELIEFS - Some of them have started worshipping this bag that's got caught up in a tree but they haven't really got the nitty gritty down in terms of beliefs. It's not even really a religion in my opinion.
RATS
GOD - The Four Bins Of The Apocalypse
BELIEFS - Rats believe in four bins which exist in secret locations on the four corners of the globe. The first bin is called 'Tar' and controls famine. The second bin is called 'Plag' and controls disease. The third bin is known as 'Albinus' the bringer of death. The third and final bin is called 'Alan Lamp' and can be found behind Morrison's in Hemel Hemstead. Like finding a bunch of horcrux's, Binduists believe that if they manage to visit each of the bins of the apocalypse then they'll be transformed into humans and spend eternity working at the Daily Mail.
FOXES
GOD - Martin Clunes
BELIEFS - Foxes have started worshipping Martin Clunes. Vulpians believe that if they pay homage to him by leaving things in his back garden (condoms and Milkybars etc) then he won't lay down his wrath upon them. It won't work because Clunes has an unquenchable appetite for attacking foxes. The other day he ran out
of his wendy house and booted me as hard as he could in the bollocks.
OWLS
RELIGION - Sexychristian
GOD - Sexy Chris
BELIEFS - Something about a magical pig? I don't know. I wasn't really concentrating. I don't think this is a real religion. I think Sexy Chris is talking out of his fucking arse.