STAR CHILDwith
Mystic Gus

TAURUS
You've lots of good and bad influences around you this week so it's best to distance yourself from friends who drag you down. Also your wife will probably leave you this week after she finds you having sex with the toilet.

GEMINI
Jupiter is aligning with Pluto this week which means it's going to be a time of contrasts and contradictions. On the plus side you'll meet an old friend who will pay you a nice compliment about your new haircut but on the bad side you'll finally be arrested for murdering all those children in the late 90's.

CANCER
I'm afraid so

LEO
This week you accidentally get the IKEA logo tattooed onto your forehead. Try and use it to your advantage by contacting their PR team and squeezing some money out of the cunts. Unfortunately this has repercussions on that job interview you went for. Try and keep your chin up as there's a very good chance that local bin depot will hire you when the swelling goes down

VIRGO
This week you will be briefly transformed into a Demi-god and you will sit at the right hand side of Christ as you govern the entire solar system from your throne at the edge of the universe until you unfortunately shit yourself and are shamefully restored back to your human form. Try not let it get you down because this weekend sees you getting a hand job off that lady in the wheelchair who hangs about outside the launderette showing her vagina to dogs.

LIBRA
Your legs go all black and red and when you go to the doctors they just look really scared and sort of confused. (One of them is sick in a bin)

SCORPIO
There's no point crying over spilt milk. Imagine if you did. You're having breakfast with Poppy and you spill the milk and start crying like a bitch. She's already pissed off with you because you haven't got a job and she came home last night and found you wanking yourself silly in front Deal or Deal. It's time to man up and take the bull by the horns otherwise she's defo going to leave you for Geoff and apparently his dick is absolutely fucking massive.

SAGITTARIUS
Spontaneity can be a good thing but remember to follow your heart and your head. Shouting a bunch of crazy shit about Jews might seem funny after shit loads of Kestrel Super Strength but you won't be laughing so hard when you get hospitalised outside a synagogue. You've only got yourself to blame. it's time to start taking responsibility for your own actions. (You also might buy a cat)

CAPRICORN
A friend dares you to swallow 400 eggs. I wouldn't bother. You'll either die or just feel like shit. Complete waste of time. Why are you even thinking about it. So pointless.

AQUARIUS
Avoid these lottery numbers 5, 12, 22, 23, 39, 44. I bet they don't come up


PISCES
It's time to knuckle down and make some serious decisions. Your power planets Mars, Jupiter and KC8976 are going to form a perfect equilateral triangle this weekend and, Yes, you should kill yourself behind Greggs the bakers.


ARIES

A spot of romance puts a spring in your step and you fall in love with your Hoover. Not everyone will come to our weird wedding but stick to guns and one day your friends will come round and stop trying to get you sectioned. True happiness only ever comes to the brave and stoic. Good luck to you.

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