NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! 95
When it comes to pop music, I haven't taken a blind bit of fucking notice for about 15 years, since it all went 100% to shit.
The new 'Now That's What I call Music' compilation came out the other day and I thought I'd take this opportunity to do a track by track review so that you don't have to listen to it.
My brain is going to be subjected to toxic levels of gibberish so please do not try this at home. I'm going to attempt to listen to the entire two and a half hours of this horseshit but I have medical professionals on standby (an owl in a stethoscope) should I start having a seizure and foaming at the mouth.
1 - JAMES ARTHUR - Say you won't let go
Vaguely remember this lad from one of those talent contests a few years ago. He looked a bit like a bin man who'd just woken up from an induced coma. This song sounds pretty boring and sounds like something Ed Shearan might write if someone had just rugby tackled him to the ground and held a sock covered in paraffin over his face until his brains went fucked.
2 - LITTLE MIX - Shout Out To My Ex
This is that band with the one with the perfectly oval shaped head isn't it? Whenever I see one of their videos I always expect Johnny Wilkinson to run on and boot her fucking head off her shoulders.
It's a pretty weird start to a song. Sounds like a woman armed with a Casio PT -80 keyboard having a nervous breakdown in an owl sanctuary. Doesn't stay like that for long though and then it turns into a load of bobbins until it fucking finishes.
3 - CLEAN BANDIT, SEAN PAUL, ANNE-MARIE- Rockabye
I remember Sean Paul from ages ago and he's always been absolutely fucking ridiculous. Sean Paul does for reggae what John Wayne Gacy did for clowns. Anyway the rest of the song sounds like a Lilt commercial and that's alright I suppose. They say too many cooks spoil the broth and in this case too many is obviously 3 because its a load of old tod.
4 - THE CHAINSMOKERS- Closer
Fuck me, this is the fucking pits. From their band name you get the impression that they might be a DC hardcore band who are supporting Fugazi at CBGBs or something, but instead they sound like the official soundtrack to a rape in a van by a reservoir. You can almost taste the rohypnol on your tongue when you're listening to this bollocks. No, no...not for me thanks.
If they are indeed chainsmokers then thank fuck for emphysema.
If they are indeed chainsmokers then thank fuck for emphysema.
5 - MAJOR LAZER, JUSTIN BIEBER- Cold Water
It's pretty boring but it's not that bad which is a shame because taking the piss out of Justin Bieber is like shooting fish in a fucking barrel.
6 - ARIANA GRANDE, NICKI MINAJ- Side To Side
Can't any cunt write a song on their own anymore? Don't know who Ariana Grande is but I've seen Nicki Minaj and she looks like she's got Hepatitis C. She looks like if you were in a small room with her you'd want to open the window a bit because your eyes would be stinging. Anyway it sounds like another shit, pretend, reggae song - again. They're performing it as if nobody remembers Rhianna which is fucking stupid because loads of people must remember Rhianna.
7 - SIA- The Greatest
I've heard of this one. She's that grubby little girl with the blonde wig isn't she? Like almost all of the other songs, this features, sort of, over produced, electronic, caribbean vibes and I keep having to check that I haven't put a Rhianna album on by accident. It's fairly tolerable but it sounds like all the other fucking shit. Cloned and mass-produced, McDonalds for the ears. Bollocks.
8 - CALVIN HARRIS- My Way
Yep, pretty much the same. Fucking boring. You might as well just shove a bunch of bread into your CD player and listen to that. I got so bored at the end that my nose started bleeding and began blacking out.
9 - HAILEE STEINFELD, ZEDD, GREY- Starving
This is shit. There's a lyric in it about seeing butterflies in a zoo. Do you get butterflies in a zoo? Not a good zoo. I'm starting to feel poorly. Going to have a quick sit down and take 5 minutes out.
10 - M.O - Who Do You Think Of
More fucking calypso music played on steel drums and drenched in glitchy electronic beats and over produced gibberish. Sounds like what it would probably be like if you went to a Jamaican-themed-BBQ and got in a fight with some big lads and it all started getting a bit out of hand and one of them smashed a TV onto your head so hard that you were sort of wandering about with it sitting on your shoulders like a sort of TV robot but even though it looks a bit funny it's not because you've got all blood dripping down your neck and you can tell that your skull's been knackered. And then you fall into the swimming pool and start losing consciousness and basically slipping away into death. This sounds like that.
11 - NEIKED - Sexual
Against all odds this is also basically just electronic, steel drums. And like all the other songs so far it's basically a big pile of doggy doings.
Halfway through though, there's a really good 80's keyboard solo that makes me feel like I'm driving a motorboat around Florida in a white suit with Tom Selleck and I can get on board with that. That's about 12 seconds of good music so far.
12 - ANNE-MARIE - Alarm
Honestly, same again. Another impression of Rhianna. I even think most of the lyrics are lifted directly off some of her songs as well. It's quite glitchy and it sort of reminds me a bit of having sex with an office calculator, which I have done and, by that, I mean that my mate Peter Glands once pushed one up my arse after we got into an argument about which was better out of nuts or bolts.
13 - OLLY MURRS - Do You Know Love?
Not 100% sure I can handle listening to all of this. He's a jammy cunt having any sort of pop success when he's got an octahedron shaped head. He looks a 'Mr Potato Head' that's been shopping in Burtons. He also looks a bit like a peanut that's been born with some kind of learning disorder.
Right I've listened to it all and it's a big pile of gash. Totally pointless that it even exists.
14 - MØ - Final Song
Got excited when I saw that it said final song, so that's an annoying start. We've already had someone called 'MO' earlier didn't we? What the fuck's going on with that? This sounds like the sort of song you'd be listening to if went clubbing in Cambodia and some guy put amphetamines in your beer and you started going into the future. This is probably the sort of thing that would be playing at 4am when you started to come round on a beach and you had a ladyboy's bollocks resting on your chin.
14 - MAROON 5 - Don't Wanna Know
Jesus Fucking Christ, I thought this would be a bit of a laugh but I didn't really realise how every single song sounds exactly the same these days. What a boring time to be alive. If the kids don't start getting hammered and huffing Copydex again soon then you can kiss goodbye to individuality and sub-cultures.
I'd rather listen to that song 'Move's Like Jagger' than this, which is weird because every time I hear 'Moves Like Jagger' I intentionally slam my jaw in the car door so that someone has to take me to A&E and I don't have to listen to it for another fucking second.
15 - JP COOPER - September Song
Opens with steel drums. This whole album sounds like the Notting Hill Carnival if it was organised by white, middle aged, double-glazing salesmen from Ipswich.
This one's particularly bland, I started nodding off and swallowing my tongue and my mate Sexy Chris had to ram a shot of adrenaline directly into my heart to bring me back to life. Feeling fucking rough as arseholes now.
16 - SHAWN MENDES- Mercy
Don't know what business this little queef has holding an electric guitar on his album artwork because I can't fucking hear one. This song is the musical equivalent of two brothers fiddling with each other's willy's in their bedroom and then feeling really guilty about it when they go downstairs to sit down and have fish fingers and chips with their Mum. This basically sounds like that situation in music form.
17 - ELLIE GOULDING - Falling For You
This song is apparently in the new 'Bridget Jones's Baby' film that I didn't go and see because I was busy doing absolutely anything else in the entire world, ever. This song's quite boring. Pretty anthemic though and sounds a bit like it might be a track in a really shite Disney film about a mushroom that falls in love with a twig or some shit.
18 - EMELI SANDE - Hurts
It sounds like they've got a dog playing drums on this one.
It's a bit like a James Bond song that's been written by a bunch of wasps and performed by a dog, with Emeli Sande trying to sing over the top of it.
19 - MICHAEL BUBLE - I Believe In You
Can't stand doing this anymore. This one's causing by brain to bleed. It's so boring that I genuinely considered killing myself just to make it stop but then I remembered I can just press the 'off' button.
20 - CRAIG DAVID - All We Needed
Craig David's still going? Fuck me. This one's quite sad. I can imagine Craig writing this one in his little bungalow in his Minions pyjamas that are all covered in Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle stains. And he's just sat there looking at his framed gold disks, from when he was famous, and they're just leaning against the skirting board all covered in cat tods. And he's sat there boshing this tune out on a little Yamaha keyboard and recording it on his little brown Fisher Price cassette recorder and then he pops the tape in an envelope and sends it to his old record label who couldn't give a fuck anymore.
Anyway, good for him.
END OF DISK 1
Right I can't handle doing Disk 2. I'm only going to do disk 2 by popular demand so sod it.