THE
2017
ELECTION
FACT SHEET


NAME : TIM FARRON
PARTY: LIBERAL DEMORCRAT
  • Tim Farron was born in Preston, Lancashire in 1970.
  • He was abandoned by his parents and left in a basket outside the Pork Farms sausage roll factory where he was discovered by the staff who decided to keep him as a pet. They nicknamed him 'Pantysniffin' Jim'
  • 'Sniffin' Jim' grew up in the factory, chained to a wall in a rudimentary kennel and spent his days assisting his family/captors roll up the scotch eggs and batter the pigs to death with a mallet.
  • At 18 he left the factory and headed to Leeds Polytechnic to study Product Design. He arrived halfway through the term covered in sausage meat and, having not applied to join the the university, was escorted off the campus and beaten up by a couple of renegade security officers behind the bins.
  • Tim spent the next few years living rough, up and down the country, a period of his life which he describes as "one of the best times I can remember, halcyon days". 
  • In 1983 Tim married his own hands but divorced them after just 3 months, sueing them for everything that they owned. (When you watch him on TV you'll notice that you never see him talking to his own hands).
  • Tim's first job was as a hospital courier, carrying blood and organs to hospitals on the back of his Lambretta GT 200. He was fired from his job after it became apparent that he was feasting on the organs and showering in the bags of blood. He was given a slap on the wrist and 50 hours community service.
  • Tim's relationship with his hands further deteriorated and during one heated argument he drove his left hand into the whirring blades of a lawnmower. He constructed his new left hand out of salt. The sodium chloride prosthetic needs replacing on a daily basis.
  • Tim and his wife have a dog called 'The Watercolour Lesbian' which can talk in Gaelic. 
  • Farron claims to be 'egg blind' which means he can't see eggs. Doctors remain sceptical but tests are ongoing.

NAME : PAUL NUTTALL
PARTY: UKIP
(all facts taken from Nuttall's personal website and uncorroborated) 
  • Nuttall was born inside the belly of a horse. Whilst still inside the beast his twin brother attacked him with a butterfly knife. He used Kung Fu to defeat his evil sibling and escape from his equine prison.
  • As a child Nuttall claims that he could chew cud like a cow and turn it into Sunny Delight in his extra stomach. He'd express the juice out of a small plastic tap in his belly button which he claims he was born with but fell out a few years ago.
  • Paul Nuttall is the greatest juggler in the world and once juggled 3 Renault Twingos using strength that he channeled from a nearby bear sanctuary.
  • If Paul Nuttall closes his eyes and squeezes really hard he can make stars and planets rotate in the opposite direction.
  • When Nuttall was 18 he bought his first flat in Liverpool off ex Manchester United defender, Gary Pallister. On his first night in the flat he prised up the floorboards and found the mummified remains of the Ancient Egyptian architect and polymath, Imhotep. Nuttall booted the priceless relic into the sea and told it to "fuck off back to Sandy-Sphinxy-Pyramid-Land"
  • Nuttall was the first person in the UK to have full, unprotected sex with a Sega Game Gear.
  • Paul Nuttall can completely re-tile a roof in 15 seconds flat. No matter how big the roof is, 15 fucking seconds.
  • Robots from the future regularly climb out of his wife's vagina hell bent on destroying the planet and Paul has to defeat them with his specially modified nail gun.
  • Paul once hit a cricket ball so hard it went into space and hit a satellite and it made MTV go off the air for 2 days.
NAME : THERESA MAY
PARTY: TORY
  • Theresa May was born in 1587 in Hungary. She is the first daughter of  Countess Elizabeth Bathory, the noblewoman recognised as the most prolific serial killer of all time
  • As a child May would spend her time wandering around the village eating stray dogs and scratching satanic runes and glyphs into her legs and forearms.
  • May's blood is completely translucent and carbonated like Coca Cola Tab Clear. If you cut her the watery liquid will actually evaporate from the wound like a boiling kettle and creates a dense fog-like mist which has been known to blind people trapped in the same room.
  • Theresa May is famous for wearing shoes, much like almost everyone else on the entire planet.
  • When Theresa May goes to sleep she grows a thick layer of moss all over her body which has to be scraped off every morning by a civil servant known as a 'Moss Mouse' employed at the tax payer's expense.
  • May's fingernails are only a figment of her imagination so if she ever stops thinking about them then they disappear .
  • In 1976 she took a year out and went to Africa where she attempted to kill every single animal on the continent. She killed thousands of animals but luckily only made the Gambian Pygmy Hippopotamus and the Somalian Saltwater Alligator extinct.
  • May is dyslexic. When she read the Bible she thought that the bits that encouraged the respect and well-being of animals actually stated that animals are all fucking vermin and should be ripped to apart.
  • Theresa May is actually a horrible cunt
  • Theresa May's husband has a tattoo of Paul Rudd's character in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' on his back.
  • May has a deep hatred for almost everyone. No one knows why
NAME : JEREMY CORBYN
PARTY: LABOUR
  • Jeremy Corbyn grew in a vegetable patch. For the first 5 years of his life his only friends were carrots, turnips, runner beans and a rhubarb plant called Ivan Pocket.
  • In his spare time Corbyn wanders the streets scooping spoonfuls of Dolmio onto dog's heads and running away. It makes him laugh like a drain. He's been arrested over 65 times
  • Corbyn and Diane Abbot's 1976 homemade porno, 'Bigger Ben' is the only X rated feature to outsell Paris Hilton's 'One Night in Paris' and the only grumble film to be stocked by Blockbuster Video.
  • Corbyn can remove his beard and throw it at criminals and it will engulf them like a sort of net until the police arrive and arrest everyone involved.
  • Jeremy Corbyn collects jumpers. He has 3. One is made Lego
NAME : CAROLINE LUCAS/JONATHON BARTLEY
PARTY: GREEN PARTY

  • Caroline Lucas can't see through glass. To her its basically like trying to look through an elk or a sofa or some such shit.
  • Jonathon Bartley quotes lines from Family Gut whenever he says anything to anyone and all his friends want to punch him in the tits.
NAME : NICOLA STURGEON
PARTY: SNP

  • Born with Japanese legs
  • No pet owls

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