Red-lipped Batfish

Apparently this fish is found near the Galapagos Islands and chooses to walk instead of swim.
If I showed you this picture and then you told me that you weren't imagining this little fella giving you a blowjob then I think I'd have to accuse you of being a liar. 
It's got quite a stern expression and I can't help wondering if it's pissed off because it's evolved to look absolutely fucking ridiculous. In many way a lot like Kanye West

Goblin Shark
This looks like a cartoon of Margaret Thatcher that's come to life to give everyone nightmares, much like Theresa May. The other qualities it shares with Theresa May is that nobody hardly ever fucking sees it and it probably also looks ridiculous in leather trousers.
The fact that a monster like this exists at all is proof alone that there is surely no god, I suppose it would be unfair to say the same about the shark.

Panda Ant
This is actually the female of a type of Chilean wasp that has no wings and resembles an ant. It's venom can kill a cow.
Don't know anything more about it but it sort of reminds me of my mate Keith Rice. Keith was a badger I used to hang around with and one night, a few years ago, we found an empty swimming pool in the back garden of a house in Hackney. There was no water in it but for some reason the filter pump was still on, I convinced Keith that it would be funny to go and sit on it whilst I filmed it for 'You've Been Framed'. The filter sucked all of his guts and bones out of his bum and he died in seconds leaving behind a skeletal corpse that looked exactly like this ant. I sent in the video to 'You've Been Framed' and they sent me £300 but said that they probably wouldn't show the clip as it might upset people at tea time.

Penis Snake
I know life is precious and all that shit but I think I'd rather be dead than be a penis snake to be honest.
They were only rediscovered in 2011 whilst a dam was being built in Brazil.
Anyone who says that this doesn't look EXACTLY like a penis obviously hasn't ever had their own one put in an 'exploding Chinese finger trap'  by a very drunk Cwis Packham at 3am in the morning of Terry Nutkins' 63rd birthday party. Waking up after a party with a hangover is annoying, but waking up to discover that your penis looks like its just gone 10 rounds with Wladimir Kitschko and one of your bollocks has fallen into the canal and been gobbled up by an eel is quite another thing altogether.

Umbonia Spinosa
I once met Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. He bundled me into a flight case outside Brixton Academy and then gaffer-taped me onto his own head like I was the world's maddest hat and then proceeded to perform 2 hours of very average dance-funk in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers. As he span and gyrated around the stage, fear got the better of me and I began to lose control of my bladder, sending arcs of bodily fluid and liquid tod into the front row of the Academy, covering twenty or thirty wheelchair bound Jamiroquai fans in a thick layer of my wretched effluence. Quite funny in hindsight but at the time I remember being fucking furious. I'm not sure the performance received a glowing review either.

Lowland Streaked Tenrec
I'd have probably called this a 'Waspmouse' or a maybe even a 'Beerat'. 
Found in Madagascar this is the only mammal that makes a noise by rubbing its legs together like an insect. 
I'm not quite sure how species come to exist but I'd say, given the evidence, that this is definitely some sort of little hedgehog that's had it off with a hornet or something. I just tried to make one by putting a bumble bee up a hamster's arse. They both died. You've got to have the patience of a fucking saint to be a scientist haven't you?

Glaucus Atlanticus / Blue Dragon
This is actually a type of sea slug that's found in warm climates and can float using sacks of gas.
If the last animal was a cross between a bee and a mouse then fuck knows what this is. If I had to guess how it came to exist I would probably say that some lightning struck an I-Phone and one of their Pokemon Go monsters came to life. I'd have to run that theory past the poindexters at the Natural History Museum to see if, like this weird cunt, it has legs, but that's what I would imagine happened.

Mantis Shrimp
Bit too wacky for me this one. Looks like something a dickhead might buy and dangle from the rear view mirror of their Citroen Berlingo.
It looks like what would happen if God had a sort of Blue Peter competition where kids could send in their ideas for a new type of animal and the winner would get their one put into 'creation' and introduced into the sub-tropical waters of the South Pacific.
Anyway, whoever this guy is he looks like a cunt. He's the only animal I've ever seen in my life who would definitely wear a Homer Simpson tie to a wedding.
I reckon if this was some kind of wacky hat even 90% of the fucking plonkers who go to V Festival would give it a miss. 

Venezuelan Poodle Moth
I'm going to chalk this one down as 'fuckable'

The Pacu Fish
Well it's got human teeth so it's nightmare fodder in that respect. Possibly a cursed boy that got turned into a fish or something, I don't know. Reminds me of the time me and my mate Glum Roy spent the afternoon 'No-More-Nailsing' loads of sets of false teeth into all the local trouts and then watching as the fisherman hoiked them out of the canal and shit themselves. I remember one fisherman pulled a perch out the water that we'd made look like Rylan Clark and it freaked him out so much that he just slit his own throat with his Opinel pocket knife, gently slipped into the reeds and then we just watched as his body disappeared over a weir. That was a funny old Christmas.

Sometimes I feel like these scientists and wildlife biologists are so desperate to make a name for themselves, and pick up a gong from the Zoological Society. that they'll stop at nothing. This is clearly a bat that's had the living fuck beaten out of it with a hoover and then been given a daft name. 
I think some of these conservationists should be in psychiatric units rather than lauded in the world of ethnobiology I really do. 

The Maned Wolf
You wouldn't know this if you're human but this wolf is fit as arseholes. Sort of like a supermodel fox. I once got bummed by Peter Crouch in a tunnel on Halloween and if that harrowing experience could have possibly culminated in the bearing of offspring then I reckon this would have been the result. 
There aren't many animals that would look good in a leather jacket but this fucker certainly would. 10 on 10.

Patagonian Mara
Another abomination innit? You leave the Jack Russel at home with the Guinea Pig whilst you pop out to Aldi and one thing leads to another, 15 weeks later you've got this thing on your hands.

Naked Mole Rat
Don't know what the point is in this guy. You fuckers are going round shooting tigers and giraffes but no one is killing these guys. This guy looks exactly like what Boris Johnson would look like after an acid attack on Bromley High Street.
The only good use I can think of for these things is if you were to collect about 80 or 90 of them and squeeze them really tightly into Olly Murrs' Range Rover.

Irrawaddy Dolphin
The sort of dolphin that gets driven to school in a special minivan with pictures of cartoon rabbits on it.

The Geranuk
Well it looks like he's had his head photoshopped and the name sounds like the title of a slightly shit horror film. I can imagine if this guy walked into a Londis in Peckham on his hind legs then that might be quite funny. I can imagine the shop keeper crying and shouting and luzzing cans of tinned tuna at the cunt.  Short of that I don't think he really needs to exist.
It looks like someone has chopped his head off and then poured 'Miracle Grow' down his neck to help his head grow back and it's actually started to fucking work.

Star Nosed Mole
You very quietly wait for a mole to surface and then you stick a firecracker in its mouth, tie it up with an elastic band and watch as his head blows up like 'Scanners'. We've all done it, doesn't mean it's new type of animal. These guys are having a laugh.

 Cantor's Giant Soft Shelled Turtle
 Not sure what's going on here. Look at his face though. He's having the worst time since sliced bread. It looks like what happens when you sand down a terrapin with a Bosch PSM 19LI Cordless Orbital Sander which, for legal reasons, I will say I have never done.
Good luck to him though, he's a flat, ugly, shiny little cunt that no one really needs to know even exists but then again so is Michael Gove and he's just become the fucking Environment Secretary. 
This turtle looks like an elephant's arsehole that's had a coconut shoved up it by a mischievous simpleton, but if Michael Gove could even look half as charming as that then he'd be heading in the right direction.

Pink Fairy Armadillo

Don't know what this is or where it comes from. It looks a bit like a rabbit that's been carefully turned inside out, and I should know because I did that to a rabbit once and then I posted to Olly Murrs warning him that I'd start sending one inverted rabbit to his house every single day until he stopped being on TV.
I like how its back looks a bit like a tongue. I'd quite like to put this little guy in a cow's mouth and see what that looked like. I can imagine winning some sort of prize if I did that.