Leamington Spa plans to be the first town in the UK to leave the Earth’s atmosphere…And no isn’t an option!
Officials for the Warwickshire spa town this week announced that they plan to rocket into the record books by being the first town in Britain to journey into outer space and what’s more, residents won’t have a choice as the voyage into the cosmos will be mandatory.
In a press statement released this morning, Local Councillor, Rilkie Balbatross, said: “It’s time to put Leamington Spa on the map and the way we’ve decided to do that is by sending everyone who lives here into space”.
“Leamington has a population of 55.733 so getting everyone up there at the same time sadly won’t be possible. We’re currently in talks with Virgin Galactic and discussing the logistics of doing it in shifts” he added.
The council plans to use the 2011 census to work through the various wards and then allocate time slots to each household and instruct each one as to when they must arrive at the Kennedy Space Station in Florida for their 90 minute flight into the thermosphere.
A strange loophole in the local bylaws means that not going won’t be option and anyone who fails to oblige could see their house repossessed or even face a lengthy jail sentence.
“For this to work we need 100% compliance from residents which means that we’ll unfortunately have to resort to extreme measures when dealing with anyone who isn’t willing to get onboard” said local MP, Matt Western.
At £250’000 per person, the entire project will cost the town well over £13 billion and see council tax rates rise by an eye-watering 4000% with some local officials confessing that all spending on urban development, maintenance and public services will also have to be put on ice for at least 100 years.
But despite the massive financial implications most local residents seem excited about the prospect.
“I’m really looking forward to it” said local resident, Pat Fist,.
“As someone who left school at 14 to work in the local abattoir I was honestly starting to think that my chances of becoming an astronaut and boldly going where no one has gone before were almost over, so I’m absolutely made up” he continued.
However, there has been angry opposition to the idea from some local residents.
Local florist Bunty Horsebasket, 76, was one of many embittered residents who thought that being projected at 2485mph out of the Earth’s orbit against her will was a step too far for a local council.
“I’ll be honest I’m absolutely livid.” She said.
“As someone who is absolutely terrified of flying I can’t say I’m particularly impressed with the idea of being blasted 62 miles into the sky and being forced to experience the discombobulating and unnerving sensation of weightlessness when I’ve got a shop to run and things to do”.
“It just seems like an enormous waste of time and money and I just don’t see what the point is” she continued”.
The first flight is expected to take place in March this year and everybody in Leamington Spa is expected to have made the trip into space by Summer 2021.