a recipe
or : how to make a dalston paella
Create a delicious meal for two with this step by step guide.

1 - Find a bin and empty the contents onto some poor fucker's driveway.

2 - Collect the necessary ingredients (burnt toast, ancient sausages, slugs, shattered eggs, Toilet Duck, faggots, etc)

3 - Carry the ingredients back to your filthy pit/flat and lay them out on the muck/sideboard

4 - Use your snout/hands to push the ingredients into a sort of pile and then wait for it to become covered in ants. (During this part of the process you may like to spend some time growling at the next door neighbour's motorbike/shrubbery)

5 - Invite your latest fancy woman/slut over for dinner. It'll be ready soon.

6 - At this point the sun should appear from behind the clouds and heat up the vile concoction. (Spend some time squinting at the sun)

7 - Tell your friend Sexy Chris that he's not invited. Encourage him to commit suicide. Why's Sexy Chris just sat there staring at you? 

8 - Serve on a bin lid and tuck in.

9 - Growl at the wasps throughout the duration of the meal.

10 - Vomit the revolting slop into the canal, make your apologies and carry on about your business. Eat a coot or lick some petrol. Anything to get the horrible taste out of your mouth.