THOMAS FLASK (Kestrel) looking to meet other hawks for deviant liaisons involving stupidly large dildos (NO OWLS)
TROUT. Ideally looking for a partner called Bethany Keek if at all possible (any age).
SUCK MY COCK! Bastard (Fox) seeks slag/slapper for abusive relationship resulting in a violent (bloody) murder.
LONELY HUMAN (male, creepy little eyes) seeks thick badger for midnight walks, snacks and a generally confusing relationship that will probably end in a lengthy jail sentence. Contact Cwis.
I'M AN EEL CALLED KEVIN PELVIS. I'm 34 and I look like a knackered old hose pipe. I'm looking to meet someone who enjoys swimming up and down the river sucking up silt and getting swept down weirs. I also have aids.
WASP seeks bee for pointless afternoons spent trapped in the shed, banging into the window.
ECCENTRIC OTTER (76) looking for a relationship with an animal, human or other. Last wife was an old shoe and it didn't work out. (NO SHOES).
RAPE VICTIM (Fox). Raped a few weeks ago by Adrian Chiles in the middle of the night. Looking for tentative relationship that doesn't really go anywhere. Lots of tears guaranteed. Call Gus.
RAT (OLD / BENT) looking for that special someone. Must be fond of wandering through piles of old shit and eating all sorts of fucking crap out of bins.