MISERABLE SWAN (20-25) seeks glum duck for gloomy walks up the canal and depressing relationship.

THOMAS FLASK (Kestrel) looking to meet other hawks for deviant liaisons involving stupidly large dildos (NO OWLS)

TROUT. Ideally looking for a partner called Bethany Keek if at all possible (any age). 

SUCK MY COCK! Bastard (Fox) seeks slag/slapper for abusive relationship resulting in a violent (bloody) murder.

LONELY HUMAN (male, creepy little eyes) seeks thick badger for midnight walks, snacks and a generally confusing relationship that will probably end in a lengthy jail sentence. Contact Cwis.

I'M AN EEL CALLED KEVIN PELVIS.  I'm 34 and I look like a knackered old hose pipe. I'm looking to meet someone who enjoys swimming up and down the river sucking up silt and getting swept down weirs. I also have aids.

WASP seeks bee for pointless afternoons spent trapped in the shed, banging into the window.

ECCENTRIC OTTER (76) looking for a relationship with an animal, human or other. Last wife was an old shoe and it didn't work out. (NO SHOES).

RAPE VICTIM (Fox). Raped a few weeks ago by Adrian Chiles in the middle of the night. Looking for tentative relationship that doesn't really go anywhere. Lots of tears guaranteed. Call Gus.

RAT (OLD / BENT) looking for that special someone. Must be fond of wandering through piles of old shit and eating all sorts of fucking crap out of bins.