10 NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTIONS



1 - Stop growling at motorbikes. It's a waste of time.

2 - Clean some of the corpses out of the corner of the old pit. The smell keeps making guests vomit all over the lovely crockery. 

3 - Spend a little bit less time staring at testicles and weeping. I know they're in a right old state and look like a sand blasted tomato but there's not much that can be done about that now. Time to pick yourself up and move on. Get a new hobby / go for a little jog. Anything to take your mind off those wretched bollocks.

4 - See a bit less of Martin Clunes.

5 - Stop getting married to moths. (This shouldn't be that difficult. Concentrate. You can do this.)

6 -  Start being a bit more honest with people. If Sexy Chris turns up wearing leather trousers again then don't just smile politely, tell him he looks like a fucking cunt. Urge him to take his own life.

7 - Break it off with Emma Watson. There's no sexual chemistry and you both know it.

8 - Murder more hens

9 - Eat more/some fruit

10 - Stop moonwalking every time you see Bunty Hoven. She's not impressed and last time you did it you fell off the shed roof and she thought you were a fucking bell end. 


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