Wasp collection - Offer to Chris Hong. If he doesn't want them then lob them into the canal.

Heart, Lungs, Fur, Claws, Guts, etc - Leave outside Jeremy Paxman's camper van in a bucket as per his request. 

Brain - Place in envelope and post to a hospital (abroad). 

Kettle full of cocks - Auction at Christie's and give profits to Sexy Chris. If it doesn't sell then point and laugh at Sexy Chris. Make him feel absolutely dreadful. Encourage him to take his own life. 
(Hand him a gun / mallet).

Donald Trumpet - Return to parents. (I think they live in Epping now)

Bags of soil - Send to my cousins (Timothy and Invisible Richard - NOT Greg. Greg gets nothing)

The mice - Destroy them all. (Except Nigel Philips. Let him live. Send him back to his filthy nest. Let him tell the rest of those bastards what happens when you fuck with old Gus).  

Um Bongo cartons - Bag up, label, place in chronological order and archive in museum.  

Testicles - If they're still attached - which I fucking doubt - then slice the buggers off and hurl them through Martin Clunes' velux window.

Bomber Jacket - Return to Keith Rice. Tell him I never wore it. Tell him it's shite and that you'd have to be a right cunt to even be seen dead in it. 
(n.b -  Don't let me be seen dead in it)

M-Cat / Gin - Give to Double Denim David if he hasn't popped his clogs first.

Swords and guns-  Leave in playground (St Matthew's Primary)

House - Burn to the ground. (Before Cwis Packham can get in there and inspect my stools live on the Beeb)


  1. Gus! You're amazing! The world wouldn't be the same without Gus so you're not allowed to die ok. This is the best Will known to the universe!

  2. Who'd want all your old shit anyway, you horrible fucking rotter.

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  4. If you die, i'll try to resuscitate you, even if there's no chance of your survival, it's just an excuse to snog a fox