some
stuff about
DRUGS
Believe it or not, drug use is a practice that dates all the way back to prehistoric times. Archaeological evidence suggests that humans have been getting mashed out of their tiny little minds for the last 10,000 years. Basically, your evolutionary process may not have taken quite so long if you lot hadn’t spent quite so much time sitting around naked in caves and hallucinating about giant, golden mammoths made of wind.
However, this relationship with
narcotics isn’t strictly limited to humans. A number of animals consume various
psychoavtive plants, other animals, berries and even fermented fruit in order
to start seeing sounds and hearing colours.
It probably won’t come as any surprise
to anyone to learn that being an animal is an absolute bloody nightmare. Your
average urban beast will usually spend the entire day covered in rain, eating
dicks and bollocks and narrowly avoiding being bummed and murdered every couple
of hours before plodding off back to their filthy, muddy pit to spend the rest
of the evening crying and shitting at the same time. The entire thing’s about
as much fun as eating soil.
Everyone needs a pick-me-up every now and again and the
options available to us all are vast. From a glass of red wine in the evening
to an intravenous skag hit behind the bins, the drugs menu is a vast spectrum
of strengths and flavours with new ones being created every day. And guess
what. We’ve come up with a few that you probably haven’t even heard of. Keep
your eyes peeled for these cheeky little customers.
drake
ALIAS – Quack, Daffy,
WHAT IS IT? – My mate Double Denim David invented this. It basically consists of
licking a duck’s eyes. (It works best if the duck is elderly).
EFFECTS – Gives you an erection. Also makes your head feel like it’s full of mice.
It’s pretty good stuff.
hoxton hero
ALIAS – Ian, Bingo Biscuits
WHAT IS IT? – Not sure. Found it in a tub inside Ian Botham’s garage in Hoxton. It’s
white. It looks a bit like emulsion paint. That might actually be what it is to
be honest.
EFFECTS – Pretty heavy stuff. Me and my mate Vile Clive did this last week. You
snort it. It makes you travel through time. I got so wasted that I started
hallucinating. I had a dream that me and Pat Sharp started a long distance lorry
driving service. It was off the hook. (When I woke up all my claws had fallen
out which is a downside).
stinky peter
ALIAS – Pete, The Stench, Funky P
WHAT IS IT? – I found this in a toilet near Kings Cross. It’s not very nice. It’s like
some sort of revolting clay.
EFFECTS – No effects really. Made me a bit giddy I suppose. Just made me feel sick
more than anything. I spent the evening vomiting out of my nose whilst weeping
and shuddering in the fetal position. Not sure this was a drug actually. Not
sure at all.
rizzle
ALIAS – The Hump, Kicks, Corden
WHAT IS IT? – This is pretty popular in the fox community. It basically consists of drinking Castrol GTX. You can find it in most garages. It tastes like the end of the world.
EFFECTS – Great stuff. My mate Glen Cake did this a few days ago and got so wasted that he ate his own legs before trying to climb inside his own mind. Not long after that he got the Rizzle Kicks (a sort of convulsive fit) and died. It’s a great drug. Great fun. You die about 70% of the time though which is a bit of a nuisance. Last time I did it my eyes went black and Des Lynam ordered me to start a war on PC World. I certainly had a funny five minutes.
wood lice
ALIAS – Louse, Cheese, Bongo Biscuits
WHAT IS IT? – Wood lice.
EFFECTS – Can’t champion this enough. I know drugs are bad but you have to try
this. Stick a few wood lice up your arse. It’ll change your life. Magical
stuff.
