WITH OPEN MAGAZINE
You're always sharing your mishaps with Twitter from scaring kids to eating them and abusing other animals, what has been the biggest disaster of all?
When you’re a fox everyone thinks you’re a bit of an arsehole. It feels like whenever I act like a bit of a pillock and eat some kid’s fingers it’s front page news, but last week when i got bummed in a tunnel by a gang of bin men I couldn’t help noticing that it didn’t get a single column inch in any of the fucking papers. I guess when you get messed with as much as I have, you start taking it out on others, especially if you’re a bit of dick. The other day Michael Buerk smashed all my teeth out so that he could turn them into a necklace to sell on etsy.com because he’d lost all of his money gambling at a cock fighting ring and the whole thing made me so angry that when I bumped into this chaffinch I know called Royce Bubblejet I shoved him into a hot water bottle that I found in the bins and luzzed him into the sea. Sometimes when I think about how much he suffered it makes me laugh so much that I start going dizzy and all this sort of white gel starts coming out of my nose and I start to have a panic attack.
Anyway, my biggest disaster is when my bollocks fell off and rolled into the canal and got gobbled up by a trout. That was annoying.
Do you consider yourself to be quite misunderstood? Do you think people understand you?
I reckon foxes are misunderstood. It seems people don’t like us because we smell so bad that it makes most people start crying. I think though, on the whole, people understand me. I think when most people read the things I write on Twitter or on my website, they can tell that I’m a bit of a cunt. There isn’t much more to understand about me really.
I’ve started a political party recently called FOXUK and I’m planning on running in the next General Election so I’m hoping people understand me enough to get their heads around my manifesto, but I doubt that they will because when I wrote it I’d just accidentally nailed a big fuck-off bag of ketamine that I’d found underneath Zoe Ball’s caravan and, I haven’t read it back for a while, but I think I spent most of the time waffling on about how migratory birds keep coming over to this country and stealing all of our worms which, in the cold light of day, probably isn’t an issue that’s going to win me very many votes from the electorate.
What has been the strangest thing you've discovered on your travels as a Fox? What has been the most fucked up? What has been the funniest?
When you spend your life snooping through areas where polite society fears to tread, you do tend to come across some pretty fucked up nonsense. I’d say the weirdest thing I found was about 6 months ago when me and my mate ‘Very Autistic Paul’ were going for a little wander in some wasteland behind Toy 'R' Us and we found a statue of Sue Barker that had been built out of ham and gammon and strapped up on a big sort of crucifix. There were loads of hard boiled eggs arranged in concentric circles and someone had written the word ‘Aquafresh’ on every single tree in what looked like a mixture of blood and turds. I remember thinking that was both strange and fucked up even though, and I’m almost ashamed to tell you, it gave me and erection.
The funniest thing I’ve ever discovered is probably my mate Sexy Chris. He was living in a bottle bank because he’d just lost his job at the owl sanctuary. Apparently he’d been fired because everyone thought he was, and I quote, “a cunt”. He’s pretty annoying because he believes this thing that people say that all owls are ‘wise’. He’s sort of confused the word wise with being a pretentious bell end though so he sits around all day pretending to read books on existentialism by Jean-Paul Satre even though everyone knows he can’t read for toffee. I looked inside his copy of ‘Notes of the Underground’ by Dostoyevsky once and it was full of Panini stickers and loads of crushed up bits of dead mice.
He makes me laugh though so I like having him around. The other day he didn’t now I was watching him watching University Challenge and he answered ‘Quavers’ for every single question. I punched him as hard was I could in the chest and he laid a sort of square egg which wasn’t normal.
What are your top 5 most prized possessions?
1 - My box of dead wasps
2 - A photograph I bought off Ebay of Gary Lineker’s toilet
3 - The taxidermied remains of my Uncle Horton. (He’s been taxidermied into an amusing pose where he’s having sex with a dead chimp wearing a pork pie hat. It would be quite amusing I suppose if it wasn’t such an enormous insult to the lives of two sentient beings and didn’t inspire such intense and unsettling nightmares. I feel sort of duty bound not to lob it in the canal nonetheless)
4 - I’ve got this toaster that someone’s glued fake eyelashes and a dildo onto. I like that
5 - …I don’t actually own anything else
If you could be one other animal, what would it be and why?
I’d probably be a moth. I don’t know how long they live, probably only a couple of weeks but imagine it, those weeks would be absolute puree fucking ecstasy. I fucking love moths. I’ve been married to dozens. The last one died because I kissed it and it got stuck to my tongue and I had to spit it onto the side of a Toyoto Rav 4
What is the most criminal thing you've ever done?
I technically can’t break the ‘law’ because I’m a fox. Having said that, the other day a farmer caught me having sex with all of his chickens and he tied me to his tractor and called the police. The police decided to punish me with their own unique brand of ‘eye for and eye’ justice. I’m no expert on the law but surely raping a fox is no way to restore order in an already corrupt and downward-spiralling society. I can get away with that sort of tomfoolery because I’m an animal. What they did is just bonkers to say the least. I’d love to get my hands on the video footage.
You often catch celebrities doing pretty messed up things, like Vernon Kay having sex with dogs in a tunnel. What has been the most traumatic?
Haha yeah. That was a funny old Christmas Day. I don’t know, I suppose that would have to be up there. I don’t know about traumatic but the most annoying at the moment is the fact that Bruce Forsyth keeps scrambling into my hole in the middle of the night and slapping me around the face with his penis. He does it every single bloody night and films it on his iphone because, apparently, he’s making some kind of happy-slapping-hidden-camera-prank show for Channel 5 which you wouldn’t really expect from old Brucie. I don't suppose it’ll go down as being his finest hour if he gets it on the TV.
Does Gus the Fox have a love interest?
Not at the moment. I cracked one out onto a swan’s back the other day but I wouldn’t call it love. He certainly didn’t.
Have you ever been to Liverpool on your travels? What do you think of scousers? What do you think of the 'scouse brow' trend?
I’ve not been to Liverpool to be honest but I do spend most of my life hanging around with people addicted to super strength lager and heroin so I’ve obviously met loads. There’s a tramp who lives in a warehouse just up the canal called Guy Trinket and he’s always banging on about how he comes from The Wirral. He’s a good lad, I like him. Last night he head-butted a squirrel because he said it was looking at him like a queer.
I’ve heard of the scouse brow thing. Loads of owls think they’re they’re the fucking bollocks now just because they happen to have massive eyebrows as well. I’ve heard Alistair Darling has just been offered a modelling contract for Moschino. Is that true?
What do you think of the Beatles? Which was your favourite? What do you think of the remaining Beatles?
One of FOXUK’s biggest pieces of legislation is the promotion of more vegetarian options in the public sector so that the world isn’t completely fucked in about five years. With that in mind I’ve got to stick with Macca. He’s a good lad but I did see some video he posted online the other day where he started rapping in a Jamaican accent about ‘Meat Free Mondays’. It’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen and isn’t anywhere near as good as most of the songs he wrote with The Beatles. I don’t know what’s wrong with him at the moment but I think he needs a hug.
If you could do one thing to change the world, what would it be?
Well hopefully I will. Russell Brand tells us not to bother voting so that we can insight a sort of revolution but I say why waste your vote not voting when you can waste in a much funnier way by voting a fox into power? I’ll fuck it up so much that we’ll go back the stone age. It’ll be great. I’ve got a lot of good ideas about animal liberation, ecology and closing tax loopholes in an attempt to try and minimise the fucking ludicrous divide between the rich and the poor but if I could only do one thing to change the world then I’d probably get rid of all the herons. I don’t think we really need them, they don’t contribute that much to society, you barely even see the big lanky cunts and when you do they’re usually saying something racist and stupid. I don’t think we’d really miss them.
Who is the most interesting person you've ever met?
I’d probably say my mate Cwis Packham off the telly. He’s always up to weird and interesting stuff. At the moment he’s taken to glueing bits of lettuce to every inch of his body 24/7 because he’s got some theory that it’ll make him live forever. He’s weird as well because he’s always banging on about how much he loves birds but his bungalow is full of birds that he’s trained to do different jobs for him like a flock of avian butlers. He’s got a magpie that he’s trained to put the toilet seat up and down, he’s got a chaffinch that can operate the toaster and he’s got all these cockatoos that he calls his ‘whore birtds’ that do all sorts of weird things for him in the bedroom. It’s really odd in Packham’s bungalow. Absolutely covered in bird shit.
Who is the biggest dickhead you've ever met and why?
David Cameron because he killed and ate my mate Yorrick Todd. Did you know Cameron can fire a web out of his abdomen like a spider. I shouldn’t really be talking about this.
Do you have a celebrity icon?
Not really. Most celebrities are fucking plums to be honest. The only person I would call an ‘icon’ is this badger I know called Tim Horn and that’s only because he’s got these little denim shorts that he wears with a pretty cool Guns ’N’ Roses belt which, actually, when you consider he’s a badger, doesn’t so much make him an icon as it does a cock.
You met my mate Noel recently. He’s a good lad but last week he sellotaped loads of marbles to the bottom of my paws so I couldn’t walk and then just rolled about laughing at me with milk shooting out of his nose like some kind of enormous arsehole, so I’m not really willing to chalk him down as an icon until he gets his shit together. Noel gave birth to a littler of Staffordshire Bull Terrier Puppies a couple of months ago. No one knows how the fuck that happened and it’s all very hush hush. I bet he didn’t tell you that did he?
Do you have a celebrity that you absolutely loathe?
Does Jihadi John count as a celebrity yet? That guy’s a right handful isn’t he? Gee whizz.