THE TIME TRAVELLING OWL
THE TIME TRAVELLING OWL
My mate Jonty popped into the future to find out what's going to happen on Monday 23rd January 2017. Here's his blow by blow account.
MONDAY 23RD JANUARY 2017
06:00 - Donald wakes up and sheepishly pulls back the sheets. He's wet the bed . He stands against the bedroom wall on the brink of tears and clutching his cuddly puffin, Dr Bilko, whilst the house staff change the sheets in baffled silence and Melania struggles to get him out of his soiled pyjamas.
06:06 - Donald meets with his chief of security, Mike Baxter, and wanders down the stately corridor of the Whitehouse's East Wing where he is introduced to the twelve strong kitchen staff who work on rotation 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their first job; breakfast for the new President.
06:015 - Donald sits down with his bowl of Froot Loops and watches his video tapes of 'Mork and Mindy', snorting and howling as milk shoots out of his nose, all the while fiddling with his willy through his jogging bottoms, all the while tugging and pawing at his little peanut whilst shrieking and snorting in delight at Robin Williams, eyes trained on the TV screen as he shovels the brightly coloured pebbles into his big orange face, only occasionally averting his gaze to check that his die-cast models of Thomas the Tank Engine are still by his side on the breakfast table and arranged in the correct order, favourites first and with Toby furthest away. Toby the disgusting Mexican cunt.
07:21 - Donald wanders to the Oval office, arranges the things on his desk and decides to phone the Secretary of State, Colin Powell, unaware that Colin Powell hasn't been been in office since 2005 and was in fact the Secretary or State for George Bush Jnr. Powell tries to explain this to Donald but Donald loses interest after a few minutes and hangs up the phone, choosing instead get down to the important business of making the Oval Office feel a little bit more like home. He starts by replacing a painting of the eighteenth president, Ulysses S. Grant, with a picture of a woman with her tits out on the hood of a Lamborghini Countach.
07:55 - Donald puts on a pair of shorts and pulls on his outdoor trainers and runs into the garden to play. He spends the best part of an hour exploring the undergrowth of the Whitehouse, unearthing stones and picking up creepy crawlies, practicing his handstands on the plush green lawns and skulking around the large sycamore trees with his spud gun pretending to shoot black people.
Whilst in a rhododendron, Donald reveals the grave of the Clinton's cherished cat, Socks. He quickly goes about the task of exhuming the bones of the stately feline and has them Fed Ex'ed to Hillary Clinton along with a memory stick containing a low res JPEG of one of his nuts.
08:49 - Donald has a meeting with the CIA who explain to him what they do and how their various departments operate, followed by a quick briefing on the current situations concerning homeland security.
09:55 - Donald goes for a ride on his bike around the block. Melania tells him he can't go to the rec as it's too far away and he has an important meeting in the war room with the head of the US military at midday.
Donald rides around the perimeter fence of the Whitehouse on his Raleigh Activator flanked by 12 heavily armoured, black, Hummer H3 SUV's. It doesn't take long for Donald to hunt out trouble and before long he finds himself in an altercation with three local lads on bikes who refuse to give Donald any of their Reece's Pieces. Donald has the young boys arrested by the secret service and flown to Langley, Virginia where they're incarcerated and waterboarded for the next two weeks.
10:01 - Donald addresses America on TV from the Oval Office. He waffles on for several minutes before causing global outrage by calling Li Keying, the Premiere of the People's Republic of China, "a slope-eyed hunchback" and culminates the performance by imposing sanctions on New Zealand for being "a bunch of sheep-bumming bunty men".
11:07 - Donald has a meeting with his new Vice President, Mike Pence, in the 'Green Room'. Neither of them can think of anything to say so they sit in silence staring at their shoes for nearly an hour.
12:05 - Donald meets with members of the US military and they take the elevator down to the John F. Kennedy Conference Room also know as the Situation Room. Donald is sat down and introduced to the various screens and communication equipment that allows the President to keep America connected to everything that's going on around the globe and maintain command and control of US forces all over the world. Part of the initiation process involves introducing Donald to America's nuclear control panel.
12:06 - Donald falls face down, screaming onto the nuclear button. Every vein in his body bulges , sweat and saliva fly across his face like a tsunami and his eyes burst like 2 red eggs as he bears down on the button with all the force of a man trying to push it deep into the Earth's crust. With a primal scream he voids his bowels as the war room erupts into a cacophony of klaxons and flashing red lights as the full weight of America's nuclear arsenal is unleashed on every corner of the planet, eradicating every living thing in a ball of incendiary light.