THE
OFFICIAL
PAUL 
NUTTALL
FACT SHEET
  • Paul survived the collapse of the World Trade Centre by building a small helicopter out of  desks and ceiling fans
  • Whenever Paul uses a watering can, blood comes out instead of water, even if it was filled up with water
  • If Paul eats mung beans he can levitate several inches off the ground for about 45 minutes
  • When he was a child, Paul dug a hole in his back garden that went to the centre of the earth, when he got there he found an 'inside-out-city' that was populated by ghosts
  • Paul survived the Chernobyl nuclear disaster by hiding in a knackered old fridge like Indiana Jones does in 'Kingdon of the Crystal Skull'
  • Paul used to be a peregrine falcon but he flew into an electric pylon and woke up as a man
  • At night, Paul grows roots out of his feet and collects moisture out of the bedsheets and carpet because his mum was a weeping willow
  • Paul once hit a golf ball so hard that it split the spacetime continuum and went back to the cretaceous period, hitting an Iguanadon in the face 
  • When Paul was trapped in the 2010 Copiapo mining accident in Chile he kept everyone's spirits up by juggling his own fingers. He had them reattached shortly after they were rescued
  • Paul wrote 'Too Shy' by Kajagoogoo
  • When he was in Tierra Del Fuego, Paul bought a pair of shoes off a gypsy that actually 'plant rainbows in the ground' when he walks over ice
  • When Paul was in the Crimean War, he made a sort of baseball mitt out of tree sap that enabled him to catch bullets out of the air
  • Paul Nuttall is Japanese for 'Emperor of Light'
  • Paul has 'hollow hand syndrome' which means he doesn't need a wallet and can keep his coins/keys/cakes in a pouch inside his palm
  • Paul was the lead actor in 'Jaws' but the camera angle made him look like Roy Scheider
  • If Paul touches his teeth in a certain order it opens up a vortex that acts as a gateway to a dimension where everything is the same except everyone is made of pasta
  • If Paul pushes really hard he can squeeze a tiny pair of wings out of his back
  • After Kurt Cobain died, Paul took over as lead singer/guitarist and they went on to release another two albums but no one remembers
  • After Paul built the Space Needle in Seattle, he had really bad blisters on his fingers. The blisters would talk to him at night and tell him the exact location of people who were in trouble in Bootle. Paul would then go out dressed as a wasp and rescue them

2 comments:

  1. HOLY SHIT! Never realized Paul wrote "Too Shy" that's AMAZING! *sidebar* Best fact sheet I've ever read! Thanks

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