THE 
MANIFESTO
2017
GENERAL ELECTION

Contents:
-FOREWORD
by Gus The Fox, FOXUK Leader
-INTRODUCTION
-OUR VISION
-THE ECONOMY
-SCOTLAND
-ISIS & TERRORISM
-SCHOOLS
-TWINS
-NHS
-POLICE
-A PIE CHART
-OTHER POLICIES

FOREWORD
Welcome to Britain, 2017. It’s a fucking shit hole and I know many of you agree. Times have never been so hard for humans and animals alike and in an era where every single party is preaching the same old horse shit, there’s never been a better time to waste your vote on a cartoon fox…with learning difficulties.
With all this talk about Europe and immigration it feels like no one is tackling the real issues.
The shrinking economy has resulted in less waste which, in turn, means that it’s almost pointless to waste time scavenging in bins. The other day my mate Geoff Lester was so hungry that he ate his own hands…which was actually quite funny.
Badgers are no longer safe to walk the streets without the risk of being murdered by the government and there are far too many migratory birds coming over here and stealing our worms. I dream of a Britain where it’s good British…worms…for…good British…birds.
The housing crisis is at an all time low and even though tramps can be quite funny - the other day I saw one pissing into his own face for a bet- they can also be a nuisance. I met a tramp the other day whose trainers smelled so bad that they made my eyes catch fire and I fell into the canal, much to the amusement of about seven ducks.
The comedian, Russell Brand, tells us not to vote, well I don’t agree. Why waste your vote when it would actually be a lot funnier to vote for me. The sad truth is, I probably wouldn’t do a much worse job than Darth May and her Sultans of Satan.
This June why not say “FOX THE UK!” and make your voice heard. It’s time for change. It’s time to vote ginger. It’s time for FOX UK. 
GUS THE FOX, PARTY LEADER 

INTRODUCTION
I should probably start by being completely honest with you. I don’t really know what a politics is. Until recently I thought that it was a type of eel. I once saw an eel wearing sunglasses so I punched him in stomach so hard that his head went all weird and looked like a massive shattered egg, but I suppose that’s irrelevant. To start with I decided to go into politics because I liked the idea of having several houses with moats and the idea of getting up to all sorts of bonkers shenanigans with prostitutes really appealed to me as well, but after I started looking into it, I realised that maybe I could actually make a difference. Not a very good difference I grant you because I’ve never written a manifesto before and most of it will only be beneficial to animals who eat out of bins. But, when you consider the fact that we’re declining into a terrifying situation whereby the far right - who previously only appealed to fat cunts without necks - are now gaining more and more power, perhaps being a feral animal is no longer a hindrance in the world of politics. After all, nobody seems concerned that Nigel Farage looks like - and possibly is - a trout, so I don’t see why being a fox should really be a fucking problem at this juncture.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually done some research into how to write a manifesto and I’ve realised that almost all of them are fucking boring. So boring that you’d have more fun spending an evening with this crow I know called Dale Tuppence, and he’s so boring that once he talked to my mate Double Denim David for so long about the type of cardboard that Kellogg’s use to make their cereal packets that Dave actually ate his own tail and then had a seizure and now he thinks he can smell colours and sometimes when he sneezes he lays a weird sort of transparent egg that’s full of mince.
Anyway, these manifestos seem to waffle on, repeating the same old thing over and over again whilst intermittently backbiting at their rivals like the tit for tat bullshit usually reserved for washing powder commercials.
You only have to look at the animal kingdom to realise that you lot have it all wrong. You can’t make rules and legislation that will apply to everyone. Why are we all trying to grow into one giant ‘global village’ or ‘big society’. No one gives a single shit about what’s going on on the other side of the fence. No one wants to help each other out and until we all learn to fend for ourselves the world will undoubtedly remain in a state of dissatisfaction and unrest.
We can’t help everyone all of the time, you need to realise that despite what you may think, you humans haven’t evolved so much that the laws of the jungle no longer apply. You are territorial, aggressive and selfish and the only way we are ever going to build a successful political system is to do so with that in mind. That isn’t to say that we shouldn’t embrace multicultural ideals and world views. My mate Dennis Bannister is a fox and he married a frog called Brenda Plumb and they were blissfully happy until last year’s cold snap when he went a bit mental and ate her.
With that mind, the ideas mapped out in the FOXUK policy are simple. Simple policies by a simple fox. That’s what this is all about. Since I’ve embarked on the campaign trail I’ve met a lot of interesting people (mainly wasps and moths) and they have, without exception, been very confused about why, in 2017, they still don’t possess the right to vote, and I for one think it’s about time that that changed. Sure they might be borderline simpletons who are only interested in finding the nearest bright light, but the entire cast of 'Made in Chelsea’ is eligible to vote and I for one think that’s disgusting.
I’ve met a lot of swans on the campaign trail who are confused as to why issues close to them seem to be ignored by the major political parties. To be fair most of them only care about bobbing about in canals and sucking up algae but last week I saw Piers Morgan doing exactly the same thing and his voice doesn’t seem to go unheard. It’s a fucking disgrace.
A lot of politicians seem to be more concerned about keeping their skeletons in the closet when they should be concentrating on doing their jobs and for that reason I have decided to give you full disclosure on my indiscretions in the hope that it will go some way to reinforce your trust in me as both a leader and a fox.
With that in mind, here is a list of some of the bad things I’ve done
-I murdered my own gran in a fight over a packet of biscuits
-I once ‘filled a duck up’ with snails (and it died)
-When my mate Sexy Chris is asleep I sometimes gently whisper the word ‘Arsebasket’ into his ear for several hours on end. Sometime he wakes up in tears.
-I once threw rice at a dog even though it wasn’t getting married
-I bummed a chaffinch and it went inside out and you could still see it’s heart beating and everyone was sick/ committed suicide
-I’ve never payed any tax (mainly because I’m a fox and it’s not required of me)
-I was once raped by Ant and Dec in a tunnel (but that’s obviously not my fault)
-I don’t like coots
-Sometimes I dream of destroying the Earth with a gigantic nuclear device
-I have a fetish for moss. I sort of fancy moss.
-I don’t believe in otters
-Sometimes I fantasise about glueing loads of sausages onto a badger
-Last year I fingered a cat behind Gregg's The Baker. I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.
…So now you know. I hope these indiscretions don’t deter you and my honesty only goes to strengthen your trust in me and the FOXUK party as a whole.
(I am trying to deal with some of my issues regarding coots but, to be fair, they are a bunch of filthy fucking racists)
Anyway, it’s your choice
Trust the FOXUK Party and together we can see what happens.

OUR VISION
Some will tell you that voting for a fox is a luxury in times of economic hardship. Wrong! Think about what you’re saying. Voting for a fox is bonkers but if you’re ever going to get out of this mess and create a sustainable and fair economy then I’m afraid you’re going to have to do something really stupid that’s perhaps slightly less drastic than an apocalypse.
Our vision is of a fair society based on compassion to animals, which, in turn might make you re-evaluate how you deal with each other, working with nature rather than against it. I’m talking a step in the direction of vegetarianism rather than treating animals like biological machines. If you saw how many bollocks and eyelids were in the meals you eat every day you wouldn’t eat meat ever again, even for a bet. 
We’re not talking a full scale overhaul, we’re talking about baby steps in the right direction. More meat free options won’t just benefit the world morally but will also benefit the sustainability of the planet’s resources. The amount of fucking rainforest we chop down every day just to compensate for livestock is very rapidly turning our planet into a bovine fart hotbox and in about 100 years, when you’re all naked and living in caves and fighting each other with sticks over the last glass of water you’ll wish you hadn't kept munching away on burgers in McDonalds like a bunch of pasty-skinned ball bags.
I could go on to talk about the problems with raping the seas and hunting for sport but you’re probably not that bothered. Everyone is only interested in their own agenda. Well I’m happy to address that as well…


THE ECONOMY
Here’s what we’ll do about that.
As we have no important people in business funding us or twisting our arms on anything at all then we would ACTUALLY tie up all these loopholes that allow rich cunts to avoid paying tax. Very simple. If banks and Google and that paid what they should then we’d have so much money to pay our nurses that they’d all being absolutely minted and then they’d start to get complacent and then they’d start doing an even worse job than they already do and we’d have to re-evaluate the entire system. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Point is, there would actually be too much money and we’d actually have to spend it on stupid shit like getting a gigantic gold statue of Keith Chegwin in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria and stuff like that. We’d actually have too much money and it would be annoying. We’d be able to start a company that just went around putting fake eyelashes on ducks and it wouldn’t make any difference to the amount of money we have in the National Bank. It would actually be annoying having so much money.
Also, and I don’t suppose this is relevant, I’d like to see more famous animals printed on bank notes. The current £5 note has a picture of Elizabeth Fry on it and no one even knows who the fuck she is. What about Bungle from Rainbow? Or maybe LaLa from the Teletubbies. Were they animals? Were they a sort of bear? Who knows. Who the fuck even cares?
No benefits for anyone. This probably won’t be a very popular one for the floating voters but I can’t think of a single job that someone can’t do. If your legs are all knackered then sit behind a desk and lick envelopes, if you’ve got mental health problems then why not become an estate agent? Come on Britain, it’s time to knuckle the fuck down.

SCOTLAND
Oh no! How ever will we get by without being party to the thriving Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bar and haggis industry? Give a fuck.

ISIS & TERRORISM
Seems a bit weird that when we foxes get our heads chopped off you stick them in the local pub but when the shoe’s on the other foot everyone starts shitting their pants. Anyway, here’s what we do about things like ISIS…
Just chill out a bit. Try not to go there if possible but it’s a fucking shit hole and if any trouble comes our way then we should be very fortunate we live on an island. If the worst comes to the worst we’ll all just go to the coast with some knives and big bits of wood and ward off any imminent danger.
When it comes to homeland security we propose to make the laws regarding human rights slightly more lenient. Some of the ideas I’ve got might seem a bit barbaric but if you’re going to act like a twat then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. Everyone says torture is unacceptable but I think you’d be surprised what the human body can endure. There’s a man who lives near me on the canal who’s always dressed like a cowboy and he walks around all day drinking White Ace and I once saw him chop his own cock off with a small pair of scissors that came free with a Dora the Explorer Magazine and he was pissing himself throughout. I don’t think chopping a few fingers off is anything to get too worried about.

SCHOOLS
Schools have gone soft. When I was at school my brother Ian called the teacher a fat dickhead and he was killed right there in front of the class. I know foxes and humans can be a bit different but if some little wanker starts mouthing off and acting like they own then place then stick them in borstal for a bit. They’ll soon pipe down when they’re getting bummed every night by the bigger boys.
Free Martin Clunes shaped rubbers for all GCSE students. (1% of the country's taxes will be spent on this legislation.)
Abolish OFSTED. I’ve been speaking to teachers around the country and apparently ticking boxes and filling in forms instead of just teaching people is ruining the country. So we’ll just fuck it off. I’ll personally do spot checks on schools every so often to check they haven’t been turned into meth labs or child porn rings and we’ll save loads on lengthy, expensive and pointless OFSTED inspections.
Despite what my mate Sexy Chris says, owls will still not be allowed in British schools (unless they happen to live in the ceiling above the gym). Sexy Chris says that owls are wise and should be allowed to go to school so that they can “further their intelligence” but I reckon this is bollocks because I once saw Sexy Chris getting off with a hammer inside Gareth Southgate’s shed also when I asked him which is his favourite book by Charles Dickens he said “A Muppet Christmas Carol” so, No. Owls will not be allowed to join the children of Britain in school. 

TWINS
I suggest that we ban twins because I’m scared of them. It’s weird. Unless anyone has a problem with it then I suggest we have them all killed.

NHS
Keep it exactly the way it is apart from we’ll pay people more with the money we’ll collect from rich fuckers who don’t pay enough tax. Don’t let the fucking Tories ruin this. It’s too important.
We should also have a National Health service for foxes if you ask me. My testicles are are in a terrible state. One of them rolled into the canal last year and got gobbled up by an eel. I’m worried if we don’t do something about my bollocks soon then, as a nation, we might lose them forever.
I’ve been speaking to a lot of unemployed leeches recently who have been telling me that their families haven’t been able to find work in the healthcare industry for about 200 years. I say it’s time to give these guys their jobs back. I met a leech called Duncan Furnish who said that he didn’t know what cancer was but he was happy to have a fucking good go at it if only he was given the chance.

POLICE
The police shouldn’t be allowed to have sex with their police horses and police dogs. I don't know if this actually happens and if it’s an issue, but if it does - which a lot of people tell me it doesn’t - then I really want to clamp down on it.
Legalise most drugs apart from the really weird ones that make people go fucking bonkers and start eating people. You should only be able to get them from Boots.
You know those people in the Guinness Book of World Records who have really long finger nails and the thumb one sort of curls round into a big spiral? Well the police should still be encouraged not to have them because I assume it would get in the way of their day to day business.
More own clothes days. (Only for undercover police.)

A PIE CHART


TOURISM
Carry on as is. No one knows why anyone comes to this horrible, rainy little shit hole so let’s not rock the boat.

RELIGION
I reckon we should either start a new one based on wheelie bins or just fuck the whole thing off
No faith schools. Fairy tales have nothing to do with education
After the election religion will only be considered as a mental health issue and will fall under the remit of the NHS

OTHER POLICIES
A list of things we’ll also be doing as FOXUK
-Compulsory tattooing of bats
-A free carton of Um Bongo for everyone who paints a picture of me on the front of their house
-More Japanese people working in ‘Laser Quest’ if it still exists, which I’m fairly sure it doesn’t
-A full ban on fox hunting. Generally try and start killing animals less and less if at all possible.
-8 day week. 5 on, 3 off. We’ll sort the details out later
-Send all Canada Geese back to Canada. no one wants them here. Every time you try and have a chat with one it bites your fucking head off and starts honking like some sort of mental old car.
-Spitting in the street will be punishable by death
-More wasps
-Less wasps for those who dislike wasps

CONCLUSION
I just showed the manifesto to Martin Clunes and he said it's fucking rubbish.
In my defence though Martin Clunes did once shave my belly with a Gillette Mach 3 and then draw a picture of the Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street on there in crayons though so he’s hardy a fucking Mensa candidate is he?
I’ll sort it out. Put in your thoughts below. We can run the country like an actual democracy. Instead of saying things and then not following through with them, we’ll set up an online website where all legislation and laws get voted for each week and then, probably, gradually everything will be fine, unless it makes it worse, in which case we’ll all sit down and have a rethink in a few years. At the end of the day, the worst that can happen is that we are all incredibly unhappy and some of us might die…just like any other term in political leadership.


4 comments:

  1. Flipping genius. I'd vote. I reckon you need some sort of national holiday squeezed in there, maybe something like egg a Tory day. And I don't mean chucking eggs, maybe something more grown up, like the NHS can supply human eggs, which you can pick up from your local hospital. You could take one of those giant empty marmite tubs that you only see in cafes and fill it right up. It could be a kinda revenge thing for the NHS being fucked over too, kinda a double whammy egg a Tory and NHS gets to feel a bit better but I dunno. I'm sleepy and probably not thinking straight.

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  2. I think unemployed people should be able to 'phone on' every fortnight for their benefits.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Its hard to draw on ANY bare skin in crayon. Im kinda impressed with that, I would move to be under this leadership though! Im way more fucked then you guys/Foxes, with this whole Trump business. Being American in a UK political discussion/situation is like being the really poor kid who comes to the " better off" kids party . You're all gonna whisper behind my back and say " welll at least we don't have to deal with all THAT bullshit"

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