GRAND 
NATIONAL 
2017
FACT SHEET
DEFINITLY RED: 11/1
A horse well worth keeping an eye on. Born in a caravan and raised by a bunch of gypos this horse was trained by racing against motrobikes. Definitely Red won't be riding his motorbike today but he's still fairly speedy on foot. Worth a punt
PLEASANT COMPANY: 12/1
Not a particularly experienced runner but interesting nonetheless. Pleasant Company is rumoured to have been born with 2 hearts, one good and one evil. Ancient Myan scriptures predicted that on Saturday, 8 April 2017 the two hearts would collide in the beast's chest and cause a cataclysmic explosion that would destroy two thirds of the Milky Way. If that happens then it could be a photo finish to remember.
VIEUX LION ROUGE: 14/1
Despite being only 7 years old and going off at 66/1 in the 2016 National, Vieux Lion Rouge gave a very encouraging account of himself when he finished in 7th place. Since then, Vieux Lion Rouge has married long-time member of the Hollyoaks cast, Nick Pickard, and the couple are said to have recently given birth to their first child, an equine/homosapien manbeast that apparently died almost immediately. What that's done to his confidence will become clear on the day.
BLAKLION: 16/1
A runner that is definitely worth taking a second look at, Blaklion is the first clockwork horse to be entered into the National. Created by Swiss, Artisan, Watchmaker, Alois Jirásek, this horse will literally go like the clappers but is unlikely to be able to turn any corners due to not having a sentient brain. Experts predict the brass machine will career into the viewing stands killing many spectators.
MORE OF THAT: 16/1
A good runner and fast over hurdles but it's important to remember that this horse was instrumental in covering up Jimmy Saville's historic sexual abuses from the 1972 to 1993. Very much Saville's right hand horse, you'll have to let your moral compass guide you as to whether or not you want to back this piece of work
CAUSE OF CAUSES: 18/1
Was 8th in the 2015 National, skipped the 2016 renewal but is back for 2017. Every time this horse blinks 100 bees fly out of its mouth. Often a hindrance but occasionally an asset. If any of the other riders or horses are allergic to bee stings then today could be an absolute fucking bloodbath. 
ONE FOR ARTHUR: 18/1
Expect the odds on this fella to keep dropping if for no other reason than everybody even mildly related to somebody called Arthur will be backing him. This horse was used to mine coal in Ukraine for the first 7 years of its life and, according to experts, having lungs that look like an old pair of Dr Martens covered in Marmite isn't ideal for running one of the most gruelling races on the planet. We shall have to wait and see
THE LAST SAMURI: 20/1
In an interview with the 'Racing Post', rider Paddy O'Shaenessy has said that this year he has a trick up his sleeve, he'll be carrying a Czechoslovak 7.62 mm Universal Machine gun and gunning down any horse and jockey that gets in his way. Quite how that fits in with the rules we shall have to see with the adjudicators, but if he can avoid disqualification and jail then you've got to fancy his chances
THE YOUNG MASTER: 20/1
The only blind horse in the race. Never finished a race
UCELLO CONTI: 20/1
This horse can sometimes travel so fast that he goes back in time. If he can hold back a bit and avoid tearing a hole in the spacetime continuum then he might be in with a chance
VICENTE: 20/1
Trained by the band Aswad. If they'd spent the last 12 months training it to run instead of to sing and play bongo drums then it might have been in with a better chance.
ROGUE ANGEL: 22/1
The only ghost horse running. Rogue Angel used to belong to 18th Century highwayman, Roy Bundy. As long as everyone doesn't stop believing in ghost before the end of the race, this horse might just go the distance
SAPHIR DU RHEU: 22/1
this horse has spent the last 12 months in prison on drink driving chances and has been basically pumping iron in the gym. he looks like a sculpture of a cow built out of sausages. Will strength win out or will his un-aerodynamic body shape hold him back? We'll have to see
DOUBLE SHUFFLE: 33/1
This horse wears a little fez. Do with that information as you will

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