A list of 10 animals and the things i've shoved up their arses SINCE CHRISTMAS

1 -  HERON - a Stanley knife, a frog, a Toffee Crisp

2 - BADGER - A small red racing car from a Scalextric

3 - OWL - A horseshoe, a packet of biscuits, a small can of linseed oil, a bag full of bits of wool,  some strips of bacon, a travel hairdryer, buttons, a whore's wig, a pipe, 4 or 5 pairs of winklepickers, matches, children's teeth, a padlock. 

4 - RAT - Coins, cigarettes, a bike pump, a flute

5 - PIG  - My mate Les Bunting's head

6 - SWAN - A tennis racket, another Stanley knife, another packet of biscuits, another swan, my paw, my head, a crowbar, golf balls, a gold umbrella, a novelty pencil case, wasps, a small dog, a cassette tape of Tubular Bells 2

7 - FROG - Light bulbs, a bomber jacket

8 - DOG - A jar of Sharwood's mango chutney

9 - DONKEY - My mate Ian House, my mate Vile Clive, My mate Sexy Chris, Martin Clunes' acoustic guitar, a TV, petrol, a mountain bike (no wheels), bamboo, a hoover, a torch

10 -  I once put a coot up his own arse and it sort of went inside out and everyone started crying because you could see that his heart was still beating.