DREAM DIARY
a description of some recent dreams
MONDAY
It all started in a sort of cave. We were in a cave but it was also raining quite heavily. The whole gang was there (Colin Hong, Keith Rice, James The Haemophiliac Wood Pigeon, etc). The floor of the cave was sort of transparent, as though it was made of glass / crystal. When I looked down I could see all the stars and planets orbiting one another, almost as if we were stood on the edge of the galaxy, looking down over the entire solar system as time moved forwards at millions of light years per second. In the middle of the cave was a tower / church. Everything started to go purple. We went inside the tower and started to climb the stairs which were made of snakes. When we got the top Keith Rice did a shit that looked like Jesus Christ and then I woke up.
TUESDAY
This one started in the sea. I was sat in a boat with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. He kept shooting wood lice at me through a tube of Smarties and I was getting really fed up. We went over a waterfall but it was sort of upside down so we went up into the sky if you can imagine such a thing. When we got up there Hugh had turned into a puffin. He spent the rest of the dream trying to get me on board with his idea to open a factory that produces ball bearings for industrial machinery. I politely declined and his head burst into flames and then I woke up.
WEDNESDAY
Don't remember much about this one. Don't think I had a very good night's sleep owing to the fact that Martin Clunes kept crawling into my den and slapping me around the face with his penis.
There was something in this dream that I remember actually. There was something about a really poorly horse but I can't remember how it fitted in.
THURSDAY
It started down by the canal behind Kwik Fit. I was trying to find something (food? Could have been food I suppose). Suddenly I noticed all my legs were attached to various ropes and pulleys and I couldn't move. A tramp appeared. It was the one that always hangs around this neck of the woods. The one who dresses like a cowboy and spends the day calling all the ducks a bunch of wankers. The tramp started using me as a puppet and I burst into tears. When I opened my eyes I was in an aeroplane. I was strapped to Gary Lineker's chest and we jumped out. Gary opened his parachute and it ripped his arms off and he started laughing. We fell for what felt like ages until we crashed into the water. I tried to swim to the surface but it was no use as I was being held under by some sort of current. I looked down to see my mate Sexy Chris swimming towards me. He had sort of like a mermaid's tail and a pair of human breasts. He popped one of his tits in my mouth which acted like a scuba diving respirator and I swan to the surface to be greeted by the cast of Dragon's Den who'd all chipped in and bought me a cake.
Then I woke up.
FRIDAY
Had the recurring dream I always have about a donkey with gout.
SATURDAY
I looked in the mirror and my head was made of wasps. Hundreds and hundreds of the buggers. I yawned and my jaw fell off and grew a set of tiny little wheels before driving off into the sunset.
(That was the start of my dream. I'd just eaten quite a lot of rancid ham that i'd found in the bins behind Co-Op so I only have myself to blame to be honest).
I looked up at the sky and the clouds all sort of coagulated and turned into Judy Finnigan's head. The head started smiling at me but then changed it's mind and started crying. After a few seconds a swan flew out of Judy Finnigan's mouth and started calling me every name under the sun. I started to run away. I ran so fast that I travelled back in time. There was a large explosion. I was sat in a forest dressed like a Beefeater and all the trees were keys. At the end of the dream a frog minced up to me, stuck a key in my eye socket and opened up my head and started filling it with soil.
I woke up in the corner of my pit sweating and vomiting. Cwis Packham said I had a fever so he took my temperature by putting a thermometer up my bottom. It wasn't a thermometer though, it was a Toffee Crisp. Packham found this about 100 times more amusing than I did.
SUNDAY
Had a dream that me and Vile Clive built a helicopter out of Alpen. We kept bickering because Clive said it wouldn't fly unless it was wearing a wig. It turned out that it didn't fly because it was made of Alpen. At the end of the dream Vile Clive got raped by a dolphin.
