if you have a tail

  • Use is to clean blood off a gypsy
  • You could suck Reggae Reggae sauce out of it
  • Waft it in a slut's face
  • Shove it into Sexy Chris' mouth until he starts to actually die
  • Smash it round a swan's head 
  • Swish away mosquitos on a hot day
  • Dip it in the canal to annoy all the eels / trouts
  • Shove it up Gary Plough's fucking massive arse.
  • Use it to smear garage door paint all over a hen
  • Use it as a sort of puppet to entertain someone with Down's Syndrome
  • Stick it through a cat flap to upset an elderly lady
  • Sweep all the corpses out of your bungalow
  • You can cut it off and post it to Matthew Kelly's PO Box.
  • Shave it and then glue all the hair back on and then shave it again and then glue the hair back on again (repeat this process for the rest of your life) 
  • Use it to cast spells on your enemies (This is only works if your tail has magical powers)
  • Get very self conscious about the fact that it's caked in shit and start crying about it
  • Set it on fire to impress a bunch of ducks.