HOW TO STEAL STUFF

FROM

JEREMY PAXMAN'S

HOUSE

: A GUIDE

Turn up at 2am on Newsnight. He'll be tuckered out on Newsnight. This is usually the best time to strike. 
Put one foot on the bin and hoist yourself up onto the bus shelter. (Make sure there's no one waiting at the bus shelter or you'll be rumbled before you've even fucking started.) 
Keep low. 
From here you should be able to peer into Paxman's living room. If he's still in there wanking over Babestation then hold fire (listen to some music/play Angry Birds). He'll be done soon.
The lights have gone out.
Hop onto the shed and jump down into the compost heap.
Creep up the garden path being careful not to trip over all the toys.
You're at the back door. To your right there should be boot scraper (posh) in the shape of a kangaroo (a gift from Australia? From a friend? Jonathan Dimbleby perhaps). Anyway, under that there are two keys; one for the back door and one for Paxman's full suspension mountain bike. 
Break in.
You're in the kitchen. Unplug all the electricals and stack them by the back door. You can collect them on the way out. The cooker will be very heavy so make sure you drag it across the floor very slowly and quietly.
Go through the corridor and into the front room. On the mantelpiece you'll find a large collection of revolting china animals (mainly tigers). Sling them in your sack. You can flog them at the car boot sale on Sunday.
Help yourself to the coffee table, the cushions, the VCR and the picture of Cindy Crawford sprawled over the bonnet of a Ferrari F40. 
Pull up all the carpets on the stairs. They look expensive. (QUIETLY! for fuck's sake).
His shoes. Nick his bloody shoes.
Creep upstairs and loot the bathroom. DON'T FORGET THE LIGHT BULBS!
Now into the spare room... Wait! What was that? It looks like you've been rumbled. . .You shouldn't have chiseled off all those bathroom tiles. What the fuck were you thinking? HIDE!
Cower under the spare bed. There are blue lights outside. you've really done it this time. 
You're going to get absolutely fucking bollocked if they catch you.
Carry on stealing whatever you find under the spare bed (cassette tapes, Lego etc)
Is that smoke?  Did you do that? WHY'S THE FUCKING HOUSE ON FIRE? You've gone too far this time son.
Right there's someone in the room. You're out of time. Are they police? Fucking hell the house is swarming with fucking police.
Grab as much as you can and dive through the window. NOW RUN!
Nevermind your broken ankle. Head back round the corner to the bus stop immediately and wait for a 141. 

3 comments:

  1. make sure not to miss to family of silver hedgehogs on bathroom windowsill.

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  2. You forgot to mention, beware of the fucking shrunken heads he keeps in the pantry (turns out he is a big time voodoo practitioner) made my heart fall out of my ass when I stumbled across that grim discovery on my previous attempt

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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