predictions
for the rest of the year
2014------------------------------------MARCH 5th David Cameron shocks the country by getting a tattoo of a Ferrari F50 on his neck. "I don't know why everyone didn't see this fucking coming" he says, when asked about the decision on Newsnight -----------------------------------------MARCH 27th Mice become more valuable than diamonds. For several days the entire country is in the grip of 'Klondike Mouse Fever' as the entire population prise up their floorboards and get into the sewers trying to cash in. The cost of mice plummets three days later ----------APRIL 4th Bruce Forsyth is killed in a bungee jumping accident ---------------------------------------------------------------APRIL 29th BMW release a new 5 door saloon. The 'BMW Huntley' features images of Soham murderer, Ian Huntley on the bonnet and hub caps as well as pictures of his victims etched into the walnut dashboard interior. The car sells poorly -----------MAY 10th A new type of soil is discovered in a field near Milton Keynes. The story dominates the front pages of the press for several weeks ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------MAY 31st Danny Dyer invades Poland in an M1A2 Abrams Battle Tank. He is arrested by police after killing almost 2 million civilians ------------------------------------JUNE 12th The new internet craze 'chop-your-dick-off' is outlawed by the government after 4 people die. Tributes are held for Sir Alex Ferguson who was the first to become a victim to the online phenomenon ------------------------------------------------------------JULY 16th J.K Rowling releases a new book called 'An Anthology of Instruction Manuals For Telephone Answering Machines 1990-2006'. The book does exactly what it says on the tin and becomes Rowling's least successful publication to date, selling only 19 million copies --------------------------------------------------------------------------------JULY 22nd Retarded farmer, 'Yarp Singleton' tops the UK charts with his 14 minute song about an egg. 'The Egg Song' goes on to sell better than any record in history ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------AUGUST 31st Gary Linker's head bursts into flames live on Match of the Day ----------------------------------------------------SEPTEMBER 11th Being blind becomes trendy. Both Topshop and the Royal National Institute for the Blind strongly discourage young people from flying on the wings of fashion and taking their own sight with acid, chopsticks and guns -----------SEPTEMBER 13th A new law, which prohibits putting rollerskates on swans, is passed by the government. Ed Milliband calls the decision "an outrage" and claims he will not be abiding by it. He is arrested 4 days later in Kew Gardens -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------OCTOBER 23rd France is destroyed in a fire --------------------------------OCTOBER 30th Nike release a controversial range of trainers made from human flesh and are tried for war crimes after it emerges that the skin comes from Kosovan refugees which had been dug up from a mass grave. The UN described Nike as "very naughty"--------------------------------------------------------------------------NOVEMBER 22nd Something about an octopus------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 5th Jesus comes back------DECEMBER 6th Jesus fucks off again----------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 26th 18° / cloudy with a chance of rain / low pressure coming in from the East ----------------------------------------------------------------DECEMBER 30th Through the miracles of artificial insemination and cloning, Jools Holland gives birth to himself live on national TV in Channel 4's celebrity version of their successful new Saturday night format-----------------------------2015
